Meli22 Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 (edited) Anger/realizations Hello everyone! Hope you're all okay.. I don't know if anyone has been in my position before so I wanted some insight. I broke up with my boyfriend around 7 weeks ago. It's a long story, but basically he had been pushing me away for months (a combination of his anxiety, wanting things to be "perfect", not feeling the passion as much, and not being sure I was the one anymore). This pretty much came from nowhere, but I stuck by him for about 4 months to see if it was just a phase or w/e (he's had similar phases of pushing me away when his anxiety or depression is bad). Anyway, it got to the point where we agreed some space. After 3 weeks he came back and said he'd realized what he's lost and is far from ready to walk away. 2 days later he went weird again, started pushing me away and blaming the whole thing on me. I couldn't take anymore so I walked. During the break up he was terrible towards me. He would say I'll never find another guy like him etc and that I had probably met someone else (what?!) he just couldn't see how this was affecting me. He had been telling me for months that he "didn't have it in him to be a proper boyfriend anymore" and that he "no longer thought highly of me" and other things to indicate his feelings had somewhat changed. He couldn't give me a reason either. However, throughout our relationship he often made me feel I wasn't good enough, particularly towards the end. During our 18 months together, he would accuse me of checking out other men on a regular basis, he started huge arguments because of this and because I denied it, I was then branded a liar. He would claim I was an attention seeker. I stopped wearing any kind of fitted clothing just because he had brainwashed me into thinking if I did, I was disrespectful and wanted attention. We had a two week vacation that was hell because of his accusations; if a guy looked at me it was because I invited it, and there were around 6 other times that I had supposedly looked at other men (I honestly don't recall any of them). He even went as far as to say I have "daddy issues" because I needed attention so much. I come from a wonderful family and he knows this, so that really hurt me. But somehow, he still made me come home from they vacation absolutely riddled with guilt because he had convinced me so much that I was doing wrong, that I genuinely thought I must be a horrible person. Those are a few examples. When we first started dating he would often tell me how lucky I was to be involved with him because there aren't a lot of guys like him. I thought this was kinda arrogant but I continued to get to know him, and eventually fell hard. My issue now, is that I have only realized since we broke up how much he got into my head whilst we were together. My therapist has opened my eyes a little to how he may of been reflecting his own behaviours or insecurities on to me. This has made me angry, because I tried to be so understanding during the last few months of our relationship and throughout the whole 18 months. I tried so hard to make him happy and I know I'm not an attention seeker at all, yet in his head I was.. He said a lot of contradictory things that my therapist said is borderline emotionally abusive. My ex genuinely believed he was the perfect boyfriend and that he believes he gets put with people to make them better people (he told me this himself) so in his eyes, I will probably be speaking highly of him and saying how great he was. Without sounding bitter, I don't want that. I feel that he broke me as a person and made me hate myself in different ways. Since I've been feeling like this I have been toying with the idea of writing him an email (not a vicious one) and just speaking my mind. There has been no contact since we broke up. I was wondering if anyone has done this or thinks it's a bad idea? Part of me wants to get this off my chest but the other part says silence is the best way and that it could open a can of worms. Thoughts? Edited April 30, 2015 by Meli22
Fallenangel82 Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Silence speaks louder than your words ever could Meli. By all means write down what you would like to say and get off your chest but don't send it. Even if you pick your words wisely he will put whatever spin he wants to on it. Infact you could be downright raging in it, yet he will still get a kick out of it, because the mere fact you are acknowledging his existence still, will stroke his ego. Or worse still, and I wouldn't put it past him, to turn it around to you "seeking attention" from him. Write it out, get it off your chest and send it to Santa in the North Pole if you have to, anyone but him.
manishx Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Initially I thought he may be in same boat as me, but it seems like you have been a weird creature. For you being silent and away is best way to be safe from someone who is insecure, unstable and would accuse you without evidence, showing lack of trust. If you have not indicated you are seeing someone, only way anyone would accuse if he is having serious mental trouble and want to be happy by putting fingers towards you, to making partner guilty and getting relieved out of it. This was toxic relationship, he is sick and need help for sure, if this occurred for long. How can someone decide what their partner should wear, how they should behave and start judging you while you were trying to save the relationship. And of course if you will write anything to him, he would not accept he is wrong at any point and you will get more accusations in return, and would make you feel bad. Why just feel pity for them, and keep moving on with continuing NC. If you really have urge to write, just vent in on forum itself or write and destroy the letter. Wish you best, hope this could help.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 My issue now, is that I have only realized since we broke up how much he got into my head whilst we were together. My therapist has opened my eyes a little to how he may of been reflecting his own behaviours or insecurities on to me. I agree with your therapist. It's not uncommon for people to project their own insecurities onto other people, particularly ones they share a close bond with. You'll find this in healthy relationships as well, just not nearly as severe. My ex genuinely believed he was the perfect boyfriend and that he believes he gets put with people to make them better people (he told me this himself) so in his eyes, I will probably be speaking highly of him and saying how great he was. Without sounding bitter, I don't want that. I feel that he broke me as a person and made me hate myself in different ways. He's arrogant. Though most likely because of his insecurities. He may be vocal about it but I feel this is more self talk than anything. He's validating himself and telling himself that he is "the best person ever", not you or anyone else. This destructive behavior may have damaged you, but to him it's a pep talk with himself. Since I've been feeling like this I have been toying with the idea of writing him an email (not a vicious one) and just speaking my mind. There has been no contact since we broke up. I was wondering if anyone has done this or thinks it's a bad idea? Part of me wants to get this off my chest but the other part says silence is the best way and that it could open a can of worms. Stick to no contact. E-mailing him will only let him know that contact with you is okay.
manishx Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 @Meli22: I made a typo and it's not allowing me to edit. Read first line as.. it seems like you have been WITH a weird creature. Sorry about that.
Author Meli22 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Posted April 30, 2015 Thanks for the replies. Manishx you are right, he would still not feel he is wrong so it's a lost cause. It's scary how someone can make you feel like that in such a short space of time. I would avoid going to the gym or cover myself in baggy clothing (even though he never saw me at the gym) just because if I didn't I felt I was being "disrespectful." He stormed out on my birthday because I wouldn't "admit" that I sometimes checked guys out in the gym. Despite him never seeing me at the gym or how I behave there. My therapist is going to help me work on how to spot the signs of that kind of behaviour in future relationships. The scary part is, a part of me is STILL like... "Noo, surely he wasn't controlling? Not him?!" It's crazy..
Author Meli22 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Posted April 30, 2015 @Meli22: I made a typo and it's not allowing me to edit. Read first line as.. it seems like you have been WITH a weird creature. Sorry about that. Haha I got that I guessed what you meant
Author Meli22 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Posted April 30, 2015 I agree with your therapist. It's not uncommon for people to project their own insecurities onto other people, particularly ones they share a close bond with. You'll find this in healthy relationships as well, just not nearly as severe. He's arrogant. Though most likely because of his insecurities. He may be vocal about it but I feel this is more self talk than anything. He's validating himself and telling himself that he is "the best person ever", not you or anyone else. This destructive behavior may have damaged you, but to him it's a pep talk with himself. Stick to no contact. E-mailing him will only let him know that contact with you is okay. It's funny you should say arrogant. My friends colleague went on a date with him once, way before we met. He told me they didn't see eachother again because he didn't want to, but my friends colleague told her that they didn't see eachother again because she thought he was arrogant and didn't like him I think I know who I believe now
manishx Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 It's scary how someone can make you feel like that in such a short space of time. I would avoid going to the gym or cover myself in baggy clothing (even though he never saw me at the gym) just because if I didn't I felt I was being "disrespectful." He stormed out on my birthday because I wouldn't "admit" that I sometimes checked guys out in the gym. Despite him never seeing me at the gym or how I behave there. Very clear signs of making you feel guilty for his own insecurity, highly insecure person with lack of self-respect. Thank yourself, you saved on time else it could have gone horrible! The scary part is, a part of me is STILL like... "Noo, surely he wasn't controlling? Not him?!" It's crazy.. Though I am going through different phase, but I just posted this in my own thread. It is because in every relationship we invest ourselves, our time, energy and attention which gives power to our partner. In a happy relationship, this makes both feel good and happy, and we get same in return. But when it becomes unhealthy, we spot something is wrong - we are still attached to this investment and it hurts to see this going away, but only for a while after what you are going through - "The realization!" Stay strong!
Author Meli22 Posted April 30, 2015 Author Posted April 30, 2015 Thank you it's weird because with all this aside, he was a really nice guy. Which I guess is why it's been so hard to believe that maybe all this was his own insecurities and not my own doing!
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