What Goes Around, Comes Back Around

[Haerts]

I'm not sure if this is the right section, but I'm having right now a very strong need to vent and I can't do that with anyone right now, so I decided to share my story with you guys. I would like comments on it, if you read to the end and feel like saying something. I'd really like to hear something. It's big, so thanks if you make it to the end.

 

In 2008, I met a man in a game and we became huge friends for the next 4 years. He was my only and best friend. We live in different countries, and it was way too hard for us to meet, but we spent pretty much every single day with each other (online, but still). Eventually, he started to fall in love with me while I couldn't correspond. First of all, I didn't want a long-distance relationship. Second, I was depressed, very unhappy with life in general, feeling the constant need to change and chase what I truly wanted, but having no courage to go for it. I was 18, I wanted friends, I wanted to party, I wanted to go through all those "rituals" young and immature people go through, yet I never had any of that. I was just a nerdy girl.

 

I always made sure to him that we would never be more than friends, but even though he knew it, he would always find a way to surprise me and do anything I wanted. He was caring, loving, he always made sure I was okay, he always apologized even when I was wrong, he always did his best to show me that I was very important for him and that all he wanted was that we'd be okay. He was insecure too and sometimes he thought eventually I'd find something better to do and distance myself from him.

 

It's not that I was the worst person ever, but I have to admit that I could've been so much better. I was very rude numerous times. I was really mean, in fact. There were days I'd call him out for stuff that wasn't even his fault. All he ever asked me to do for him was to send him a <3 before going to bed, yet even that small thing annoyed the **** out of me, although I'd do it out of obligation, since I knew he liked it. Still he meant everything to me, he was my only friend. But I could never give him what he was looking for.

 

The reason why I'm talking about it is because I decided to reactivate an old e-mail tonight and I ended up looking our old conversations. Reading these old e-mails not only made me feel like ****, but also made me make a comparison between him and my current boyfriend and realize something that I wish I didn't have: it seems like, in my current relationship, my boyfriend is the old me and I am that old friend of mine.

 

I'm always the one demanding attention. I'm always the one caring about everything. I'm always the one surprising him, loving, doing the little things, doing my best (sometimes even going out of my way) just for him and I sorta realized that he kinda behaves the same way I use to with that friend. Sometimes it feels like he doesn't care. Everything he does is because I told him these are things I enjoy, like sending me a good morning message sometimes, but whenever he does it, it feels so forced... the only times I really feel like he does love me, is when we're going through something bad, 'cause then he begs me not to leave, says he loves me very much and can't imagine his life without me.

 

I've gone through lies from him. I understand his insecurities. I do everything I can to make him feel loved and happy, even though during the past weeks I've been doing it less since I see no return. I try to understand his jealousy, although it doesn't really feel like he loves me, but that he can't bear with losing someone that loves him so much. I even got over a possible situation where he cheated on me (can't tell for sure, but I can't believe the story that he told me either). My heart is broken with this guy, but for some reason I can't seem to walk away.

 

I never felt like he's, indeed, in love with me the way I am in love with him. It hurts so much to say that, but for that reason, I can't see a future with him. Everyday is like survival. It feels like, someday, everything will finally go downhill for good and we'll finally break up. I have forgiven his numerous mistakes, but I can't fully trust him again or feel like these things won't happen again. It saddens me to know that I'm kinda waiting for that break up day. Not because I don't like him, but rather because I know I'll have my heart at peace. Especially when he says things like what he said a few days ago: "It makes me sad that you'd break up with me if I cheated on you, and it's not that I want to do it, but it's something that could happen, by drunk mistake or whatever". It hurts me to know that, even though we all know it could happen, he expects me to understand that. It's almost like he wants to do it and is already making sure I won't leave him.

 

On a positive note, he's definitely changed a lot (for the better) since we started dating. After each mistake, he always reassured me he'd never repeat them and in fact he hasn't. He makes plans for us, about us living together. He sees a future. The other day he sent me a picture of a list (that he made) with the title "things that we'll do when we live together". It was very cute, probably the sweetest thing he's ever done.

 

While half of me wants to stay in this relationship and be patient for him to grow better, since I can recognize he's improving himself, the other half says that I'm wasting my time.

 

Maybe that's how my old friend felt about me... like one day I would change and love him back. I tried to be a better person for him, we were so close. But he would never be for me what I was for him. Now I wonder if I'm going through the same situation again, except I'm playing the other role and there is an actual relationship going on. Now I wonder if what goes around, really comes back around.

 

Thank you if you read it all. I'd appreciate your views on this situation.

Edited April 30, 2015 by Haerts

[El Pallasso]

This is a novel. Few people are going to read it. Whatever is in this post, I'm sure it could have been told in a few lines.

[Justanaverageguy]

Relationships have to be balanced. That requires both parties see and treat each other as equals and also be equally invested. Now its never perfect, one party may be slightly more invested at some point and need extra support due to circumstances. That can also switch as circumstances change .... maybe there is a tragedy or one partner loses their job so the dynamic changes. The key though is at base level in everyday life when both parties are healthy and happy you must be roughly balanced otherwise you will never make it through the hard times when balance is inevitably thrown slightly out. That difficult time will tilt the scales too far in one direction. If you are too needy and he is not invested now .... then what happens when you do really need extra help and support ? You need to think about that.

 

With that said, currently you have identified that your relationship is out of balance, so you have the opportunity to fix it if you wish. You have identified you are currently more invested in the relationship then he is. What most people do in this situation is think that by investing more and more themselves you will be able to convince your partner to do the same and bring the relationship back into balance. But the opposite actually occurs - by you investing and continually demanding more you simply throw the relationship scales further out of balance. It makes him more likely to withdraw and end the relationship as he now feels smoothered.

 

The truth is there are actually two ways to re-balance a scale. You can add more to the lighter side (him) but you can also take something away from the heavier side (you). The best thing from my experience in these situations (if you don't want to end the relationship) is to lower your own investment to his level to bring it back into balance. I know that sounds counter productive .... but it stops the other party from feeling smothered, makes them consider you equals again and even perhaps consider the possibility of you actually leaving them. This helps with stopping them taking you for granted (which it sounds like he does) and more likely to reinvest in the relationship. If you want advice on how to do this read the 180 section stickynoted in the separation forums

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

Edited April 30, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

OP, don't think of it as 'what goes around, comes around' with regard to what you're experiencing. That's a negative way to perceive it. Instead, just look at it as, this is what happens sometimes in relationships. Maybe, Life is trying to teach you an important lesson. Think about it: what prompted you to look through those old e-mails? Was it just a coincidence with regard to the timing of it, with you being in a relationship where the roles are reversed? I don't believe anything in life is a 'coincidence'. What this all could mean is that maybe Life is trying to show you that your bf could very well feel exactly (or eerily similar) towards you the way that YOU felt towards your online friend way back when; and it could be trying to show you where your relationship could possibly be headed in order to prepare you for what could happen.

 

Now that you've experienced this important epiphany, it could help you in your current relationship or in future relationships down the road. Remember, knowledge is POWER...and life experiences make you stronger and helps you to navigate through all kinds of relationships, especially the romantic kind.

 

 

.

[Haerts]

This is a novel. Few people are going to read it. Whatever is in this post, I'm sure it could have been told in a few lines.

 

Thank you for your insight, that was very helpful.

 

@Justanaverageguy, I have tried that, actually, but it feels like I'm not being me, you know? I used to do so much more at the start. Just yesterday I was thinking about buying a bottle of wine, cooking him a nice dinner and inviting him over. Nothing big, just wanted to have a special moment with him. But then I remember that he rarely does anything for me of that kind (surprises, little things...) and I lose any motivation I have, ending up not doing it. It's like in my mind he doesn't deserve it.

 

@BlackOpsZombieGirl, I used that quote because that's definitely not something anyone would like to go through. I know life is always teaching us lessons, and this time it's no different (indeed, I have learned from this relationship a lot more than what I have from others), but it always sucks to be the one in love, when it doesn't seem mutual. I always have the feeling he's with me because he knows I'm a great girlfriend (he's said that numerous times, in fact), understanding, caring, supportive, (hot too ). I still don't feel the same about him though, even liking/loving him like I do. If I'm supposed to learn even more from it, then great. I just hope it will all serve as a purpose someday.

[GoBlue]

Originally Posted by Haerts

I never felt like he's, indeed, in love with me the way I am in love with him. It hurts so much to say that, but for that reason, I can't see a future with him. Everyday is like survival.

 

Please read the above quote out-loud to yourself...please do yourself a favor and pay attention to the "Red Flags." Would you seriously ever consider living with this person? The facts are already stacked against those who cohabit before marriage - higher divorce rate, more instances of physical abuse, and lower levels of marital satisfaction - if they ever do marry. Anyone who is or has been married will tell you that problems which existed before marriage (or moving in together) do not get BETTER after. They become more magnified.

 

Put yourself into the position of a good friend and look at your story from a caring second party perspective. Say that your online buddy suddenly reappears in your life and shares this situation with you but it's him not you. What would you tell him? Would you suggest that he keep on being involved with someone who clearly doesn't love him the same way that he loves her? Would you tell him that he should just stay with her even though he "sees no future" with this person? Would you suggest that this girl is worthy of his commitment even though she tells him "hey, I may eventually cheat on you, not that I am planning it, but sometimes I get drunk and 'oops.' You should love me enough to expect this and then forgive me without any reservation." Does that even make sense?

 

I would never tell you what you should do, but asking the appropriate questions is very helpful. Please keep in mind that life is a precious gift and you only have so much time in this world. Being in a loving relationship brings great joy and is a worthy goal, but being with someone who doesn't reciprocate can cause great misery. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

__________________

GoBlueInCo