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Posted

I have an had a very ugly divorce. We have a 9 year old son. My ex felt blindsided by the divorce and I got into a new relationship very quickly that had turned very serious. That was not meant to hurt her -- but it is the fact of the situation.

 

 

But, because of my work schedule -- she has far more time with our son than I do. I see him a couple of times a week for dinner/lunch and every other weekend. But, he lives primarily with her.

 

 

Well, early on - she told our son that I was lying to her about where I was ( I didn't want our son to know I was dating anyone) and then just continued to confide in our son like a best friend. It's completely unhealthy.

 

She told him to grab my phone and spy on me and look through my texts and even listen to my phone conversations.

 

When I introduced my son to my girlfriend -- I introduced her as a "friend" and my ex went and told our son that I left his mom for her...and that I picked her over them.

 

Now, when I eat or spend time with our son -- it's ugly. My son grabs my phone and/or monitors my text messages. Makes fun of my girlfriend (who is very nice to him and spoils him) ... and begs me not to see her anymore because his mother will be mad.

 

Tonight, was particularly awful. He begged me to break up with her ...because his mother told him that she was on a dating website -- because I didn't love them anymore.

 

I am in so much pain -- I love my son. I hate this brainwashing. I do not know what to do.

 

Any advice?

Posted
I have an had a very ugly divorce. We have a 9 year old son. My ex felt blindsided by the divorce and I got into a new relationship very quickly that had turned very serious. That was not meant to hurt her -- but it is the fact of the situation.

 

 

But, because of my work schedule -- she has far more time with our son than I do. I see him a couple of times a week for dinner/lunch and every other weekend. But, he lives primarily with her.

 

 

Well, early on - she told our son that I was lying to her about where I was ( I didn't want our son to know I was dating anyone) and then just continued to confide in our son like a best friend. It's completely unhealthy.

 

She told him to grab my phone and spy on me and look through my texts and even listen to my phone conversations.

 

When I introduced my son to my girlfriend -- I introduced her as a "friend" and my ex went and told our son that I left his mom for her...and that I picked her over them.

 

Now, when I eat or spend time with our son -- it's ugly. My son grabs my phone and/or monitors my text messages. Makes fun of my girlfriend (who is very nice to him and spoils him) ... and begs me not to see her anymore because his mother will be mad.

 

Tonight, was particularly awful. He begged me to break up with her ...because his mother told him that she was on a dating website -- because I didn't love them anymore.

 

I am in so much pain -- I love my son. I hate this brainwashing. I do not know what to do.

 

Any advice?

 

Ouch. Seriously, ouch.

 

My cheating ex wife tried a bit of that when I was fed up with her cheating and divorced her. I had raised my ex step daughter as my own flesh and blood for seven years, but three weeks after we separated she said "She's not your daughter and you have no legal right to her."

 

I put up with her shenanigans for a few months before I finally had enough and said, "You know what? You're right. She's not my daughter. And if I have no legal right, then I have no legal obligation. I only see her one weekend a month. It's time I gracefully bow out of her life."

 

My ex wife hit the roof. She told both my ex step daughter and our biological daughter that I was the bad guy and that I didn't want to see them. My daughter told me this. I looked my little girl in her eyes and said, "That is not true. Your sissy has her mother and father, and I am neither. You are my little girl, and there is nobody more important in my life than you." And I showed it to her through my actions.

 

All you can do is tell your son that you love him, and show him that you love him by spending time with him. I also think you need to enforce some serious boundaries with your ex wife. Tell her to knock it off. My ex wife was pulling some similar stuff with our daughter when I pressing to have equal time. She conned our daughter into telling me she didn't want to have equal time when in reality she did.

 

I got so angry. I emailed my ex wife (so there was a paper trail) telling her what our daughter told me and that in no way would I ever tolerate her using our daughter as a pawn to manipulate, and that if she has something to say to me, that she grows a pair ovaries and talks to me about it. I got a phone call from her two hours later, and I let her have it with both barrels. I flat out said I will not tolerate her using our daughter like that, and that if I ever pick up our daughter and she starts crying to me about things she's said, that there will be consequences.

 

My ex wife backed way off, and I got my 50/50 time.

 

This is destructive towards your son. Keep all texts and emails from your ex wife that document this, and take action. File paperwork with the court if you have to. And sit your son down and tell him that you love him no matter what happened between you and his mother, and that you will always be his dad, and that you want him in your life as much as possible, and that you want the time you spend together to be meaningful and happy.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world, man. I've been there, and I sincerely empathize with your situation.

Posted

Did you leave your wife for the new girlfriend?

  • Author
Posted

It would appear to my ex that I left her for my girlfriend. But, I filed for divorce before I even met her. But, we began seeing each other before the divorce was final.

 

 

And Yes, I have spoken to my ex about this. She is just angry because I think she wants to get back together.

 

 

She hates my GF. And unfortunately, I had told her at one point that we had broken up. So she thought there was a chance --

 

 

We had actually broken up because I was too nice to my ex wife and my GF was getting jealous. I had given her money when she needed extra and I had been friends with her -- and my GF could tell my ex wife was after more than friendship.

 

 

In the end, my GF was right. My ex wife invited me to dinner with our son and I went - and after our son fell asleep she asked me to sit down, poured me some wine and tried kissing me.

 

 

At that time - I told my ex -- I'm sorry -- but I'm just not capable of doing this right now. I need time...and I can't make any promises to you -- about a reunion....I told her that my break up was still very fresh.

 

 

She said she would be patient....and then I ended up getting back together with my GF.

 

 

So most of this is jealously from my ex wife. And truthfully, there have been times where I wonder if I should reunite for our son. The damage that is happening to him is awful - because of his mother's venom. But, I love my girlfriend and I am planning to propose to her .. I just don't know how to handle my son AND my ex. Who is just so spiteful.

Posted

The best thing you can do for your son is to set an example of sticking with your decisions and making the best of them. Regardless of the path you choose it will stabilize in the long run but you need to choose. Show him you love him and be the best you can be for him.

 

Set boundaries and enforce a no bull**** policy. Pretty much just echoing what everyone else has said, but I'll throw my hat in the ring for their opinions on this.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Here's my problem -- and this really has little to do with our son.

 

 

I still miss the family unit we had -- I have gone to eat with my ex and son several times now -- just to try to make peace. And she is still the same ol ...complainer. But, there is some familiarity there that's hard to stomach. I miss it.

 

 

But, there's no spark. I've been with my GF now about a year -- and we have fun together. We laugh -- dance -- listen to music -- talk. We really enjoy each other's company. I can't say I have the ability to do that with my ex.

 

 

However, I find myself scared of moving on. I see she's now on a dating site and I realize that things will be drastically different when she fully moves on past me and doesn't look back.

 

 

I have TRIED to break up with my GF -- I've tried to consider going back -- and I always end up running right back to her... she FIGHTS for me. She does not want to lose me....

Edited by nastyex22
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