Recently broken up, still going strong with NC, but missing him like hell...

[pa888]

Oh boy where do I begin... (sorry it's long, but I have a lot to get off my chest)

 

My ex boyfriend who broke up with me a month ago had been my first love. I had never been in a relationship before him so I guess you can say I'm a newbie at this..

 

Anyway things were amazing since we had starting dating almost 8 months ago. I knew him through a school org we were both in and I thought he was one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. Needless to say he made me feel special in the beginning, and we rarely ever fought. We only had one big fight back in January, and we quickly made up. The next day he messaged me saying he was thinking about me and probably should have said that more often.

 

That was probably the last time I really felt loved in our relationship. Since January he became really swamped with school, his internship, and with the responsibilities to our school org. We started spending less and less couples-time together, but what hurt the most is that he rarely ever communicated with me through other means. I tried my best to respect the fact that he was always busy but at the same time I'd go days without seeing him, and without a call, a text, a FB message, or anything... I tried talking to him about how we weren't spending as much time together but he always apologized saying he was really busy.

 

Two weeks before the end I spoke to him saying I felt like our relationship slowed down tremendously. He said he was sorry, it was his fault, and he would try to make more time for me next quarter. Then finals week happened and yet again I went days without any contact. Spring break came along and I just had a feeling he wouldn't contact me during it so I started texting him but he stopped replying. So I called him and we talked for a bit. However I still felt miserable because I felt like he had stopped putting in any effort. So I messaged him saying that we needed to talk again because I've been feeling worse. He said he wanted to talk too.

 

I freaked out when he said that because I thought he'd end it because he would be too busy to continue our relationship. But it was much worse... When we got together he told me that he no longer was in love with me and wanted to break up. I was so hurt and didn't really know what to say. I stupidly asked if it was something I had done wrong, and he said no it was him. When I left I asked if we could still be friends. He said yes and it seemed like he was really happy that I said that. He also said if I needed to talk at all to let him know.

 

However I was so completely heartbroken that I cut off contact with him at that point. I haven't messaged or talked to him since (33 days...) and I unfriended him on FB because it hurt to see his profile pic show up on the side message bar. We ran into each other a couple of times in the first week but didn't speak to each other and I haven't seen him since... Luckily he left the school org we were both in so I wouldn't have to see him and could still enjoy being involved in it.

 

I have been feeling much better since going no contact. I've been focusing on school and my org and working out a lot more at the gym. However it still hurts that he hasn't messaged me once.

 

Since my problem was that he never initiated I refuse to break NC, it would have to come from him. I know NC is primarily for helping me move on and is not supposed to bring him back, but a part of me still hopes that he will realize what he is missing. Although I know he is probably just giving me my space, I also rationalize it as he never really cared for me at all. I was a great girlfriend to him, but I do realize I made two major mistakes. I stupidly put his needs above my own which I will never do again, and I should have ended it myself when he stopped putting in the effort. But I wanted it to work so much because I loved him.

 

Any thoughts or similar situations?

Edited May 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[DJOkawari]

Obviously, I don't know you but you seem like a really beautiful person. It's really sad that you had to go through this. I wish you the best.

 

We're all here with something similar. I read this today, maybe it will help, maybe it won't:

 

"What if we simply didn’t meet? If I was dead before you were born? Or what if at the same time you were living your whole life in China and I had never left Europe?

Our eyes never crossed. Our hands never touched. We never exchanged a word. We never made each other laugh nor cry. We never made sweet love nor woke up with our bodies tightly intertwined. We. Never. Existed. And we could, we really could become everything, true everything to each other. If we had just met.

So, why do you suffer so much when someone you love goes away? At least, you had your chance. Be grateful for it. You shared a moment, one night or a whole year, doesn’t matter. You. Were. Something. And it’s true what they say, everything we love we will leave behind.

But, what about all those friends & lovers we never met nor will ever meet? For them, I cry sometimes." —Ines Kotarac"

 

 

I guess the real summary is: it's always for the best.

[Fleur de cactus]

Sorry you are here with a broken heart. I want to let you know that the ex was not serious with your relationship. He tried to show it to you by cutting contact but your love to him blinded you. It happens when we love. However, I dont think contacting him will change anything. He wants to stay away from you. Accept it and move on. You will find someone who will love you and you will look back and say " God bless the broken road". It hurts so much when someone you think was supposed to love you ends the relationship without explanation. However, dont waist your time with him, show him that you can live without him. The best revenge is to live well and he will hear good things about you.

[devilish innocent]

Live and learn. You will look back at this when you're older and realize this was one of those school relationships that was never meant to last for very long. You can't be blamed for not seeing it at the time. It was your first time going through this. If you end up in a similar situation again, you'll know better next time.

 

Keeping going no contact. It will help you get better and help diminish the number of setbacks you have. Don't worry about him coming back to you. There are better things for you out there.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I'm in the same exact boat. I've only been NC for three days and it is killing me, and I too have the thought that he never cared. All these thoughts go through your mind and you wonder what they're doing, if they've moved on already and you desperately just want to text or call them. It's the worst.

[pa888]

Thank you for the replies everyone! I know the truth sucks but it does help to hear it

 

I guess it was hard because in the last few months even though I was miserable there were a few instances where I felt like he still cared about me. Such as that talk two weeks before the breakup that I mentioned. He said how he loved me more than I loved him and it was all his fault and blah blah blah

 

I know in the overall picture the signs said otherwise but those moments gave me hope I guess

 

I felt like he was moving way faster than me in the beginning, and when I caught up to his speed he suddenly came to a screeching halt.. Maybe it was more important for him to focus on his work and school when that got tougher? The absolute last thing I ever wanted was to be in his way, but I still hoped that he would make time for me. And the fact that my major is harder than his and I still put in the time to make it work makes me less sympathetic. I didn't feel like I was asking much, but asking him to spend time with me or contact me made it feel like I was giving him a chore to do. These are things he should have wanted to do on his own...

Edited May 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[SLee]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Unfortunately this happens a lot with the college crowd, it happened to me recently and a ton of my friends. Work and school consume someone's life and unfortunately, that kind of environment isn't always conducive to relationships.

 

In our camp, the college crowd, people are also all over the place in terms of where they're at in life. I have friends who knew exactly what they wanted from day one and haven't changed their minds a bit. Others don't even know what career they want, let alone what they want in a future partners. Some know what they want on day one, but change like crazy over the course of time.

 

It seems like the ex just wasn't ready to put effort into a relationship where he's at. That's on him, not you. So don't beat yourself up over mistakes or what you may have done "wrong". You were ready to put in the effort, he wasn't.

 

You're completely right in your thinking, which is really good and it's better than a lot of people are in situations like this. So you should be proud of yourself. You're doing all the right things. Just don't beat yourself up and keep moving forward. You'll be just fine.

[GoBlue]

So sorry for your heartache. Almost everyone who gets involved with a romantic relationship knows exactly how you feel because we have been there at some point ourselves. My view of break-ups is a little different. I understand your pain is very real and very fresh. I also know that the loneliness you feel is normal but still hard. The one thing that will help you heal quicker than anything else is when you come to terms with the fact that this break-up is a good thing. The purpose of dating is to find the right person who you can build a loving relationship with for the long-term. Those kind of relationships take time to develop and cannot be forced. The best advice I can give for future relationships is to make sure you don't move too quickly (yes - I mean physical involvement - primarily) and to not put too much pressure on the relationship to be the primary source of your happiness (build happiness on an eternal foundation). These two things will minimize the depth of your pain should you experience a break-up in the future. Don't allow short-term loneliness to compromise your long-term goals. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be blessed!

[pa888]

I agree SLee it can be difficult to maintain a serious relationship during this period. I just hoped that showing him how much I supported him and respected his time would make him want to be successful with me rather than without. Because he is smart and making great progress career wise and I was very proud of him.

 

GoBlue I don't think I moved too fast physically, and he in fact let me take my time when it came to intimacy and never did anything I was uncomfortable with. I mainly meant he moved fast as in he said he loved me only one month into our relationship, and I waited till I was ready in the 4th month. Which is why I was so upset that he fell out of love with me just as fast. But I guess he was high on infatuation at the time....

 

But GoBlue you are right that it shouldn't have been my main source of happiness, I guess I bought into the romantic novel idea that you should sacrifice everything for each other, and also that you'd be together forever.

Edited May 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[SLee]

Like I said, you did nothing wrong. From what you write, you were nothing but supportive and good to him and genuinely proud of him. That's a very good quality in yourself and speaks highly to your character. Unfortunately, we can't control how other people feel or what they do. He just wasn't ready to put in the same things into it that you were. And in the end, do you really want to be with someone who isn't ready to be with you?

 

Like GoBlue said, don't let it be your main source of happiness. Relationships can be a wonderful source of love, mutual trust, and mutual support. You hear it over and over, but both partners have to be secure enough in themselves to make it really work. It sounds cliche, but until you go through a failed relationship, it's hard to really take in. Relationships should facilitate your happiness, and not be the only thing that makes you happy. I had to learn it the hard way, unfortunately.

 

My ex told me he loved me very quickly into our relationship and *I* was the hesitant one! Then, in a matter of months, he "fell out of love" with me and dumped me. At first too I thought about the love-novel idea of making it work no matter what sacrifices needed to made. And it's true, you need to make sacrifices, but you should never have to sacrifice who you are.

[GoBlue]

...GoBlue you are right that it shouldn't have been my main source of happiness, I guess I bought into the romantic novel idea that you should sacrifice everything for each other, and also that you'd be together forever.

 

Please do not become discouraged regarding the idea you have mentioned above and do not compromise. The reality is that love like that is not really a romantic novel idea but a more eternal one. Sacrificing for one another IS love and sometimes there are a few disappointments on the journey to find a love for a lifetime. Be encouraged!

[dangerbang]

He probably wont break NC and if he does it will be a long time coming. The person who dumps you probably knows you're hurt and thinks it best to leave you alone. I'm sure he's aware you are hurt and he's smart enough to know messaging you will only prolong your pain. He's doing you a favour really as he doesn't want to get back with you ever. I wouldn't expect to hear from him for a long time, if ever.

[Meli22]

This happened to me, well similarly, 2 months ago. We are in our late twenties and thirties too. Except I had to be the one to call it off because he was too much of a coward despite pushing me away and treating me like I was nothing for the last few months. He never said he didn't love me anymore either but it was pretty obvious. Also, he blamed ME for his shift in feelings. I came away from that relationship and I was a mess. I've realized now that throughout our rship I was being manipulated in many ways. So despite missing him it's a good thing I'm out of that because I changed as a person (for the wrong reasons). Anyway, what I'm getting at is you may love him now and feel awful but you will start to see more clearly soon. He pushed you away for months and didn't have the balls to speak up about what was really going on, it had to be you. You said it yourself you were miserable for months. Is that the kind of rship you deserve? This guy you loved so much wasn't into this as much as you were. Just remember that. You're going to be fine

[pa888]

It's nice to know that others are going through similar situations (although I'm also sorry that it happened because it sucks a lot, but there is safety in numbers )

 

It sucks because all I want is the person I fell in love with back, but I guess I should approach it as if that person died back in January, because in many ways I guess he did.

 

And it probably is good that he doesn't reach out to me, because I know there's a 99% chance I'd still take him back But I do have this feeling in my gut that he will realize his mistake, one day. Probably not now because he's distracted with so many things, but when summer comes along and he has more free time or even if he starts seeing someone new who's nothing like me, he'll realize what a mistake he made. I was way too caring and loving of a girlfriend for that not to happen.

 

That's probably the most important thing I learned, to trust your gut more because it's always right But at least when it does happen I'll be thinking with a clearer head, or moved on to someone new. But hopefully anyone reading this who is going through a similar situation will learn from my mistakes and get out before they end up hurt