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I have fallen in love with my best friend BUT she has started to see her ex boyfriend

Lex30

By Lex30
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Lex30 Member

Lex30

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I am looking for some advice on a current situation I am dealing with, thanks in advance as I am in desperate need of some help!

 

I have been friends with a girl for 7 years. We are now both in our late 20s. Initially we become best friends but as time went on our friendship faded. Over the past 6 months, we have really re-connected and are best friends. We have both acknowledged we are each other's BFFs. Over this recent stretch I have absolutely fallen in love with her. I should mention that at times early on in our friendship we had feelings for each other (found out from mutual friends) but in both cases we were dating other people at the time.

 

She constantly calls me here BFF, we text/talk to each other a ton daily. We have both been dealing with some separate personal issues/problems and have been overly supportive of each other to help us both through them.

 

I am at the point where I would just express my feelings for her and look to take things to the next step. The problem is she has been seeing her ex boyfriend again and they have been hanging out to the point where they are essentially back together. Both play in a cover band together so they see each other all the time on the weekends.

 

This is hurting me because I don't want to and can't look to date other woman, I can't get past my feelings for her now.

 

Its been a very confusing situation, disheartening situation. It seems just as I fall in love with her, she started seeing her ex again. I just don't know what to say, do or how to act. Its weighing on me significantly now, as I just love being in her company.

 

Do I tell her my feelings and risk turning one of the best friends I have had in life into an awkward one which causes us to distance each other?

 

If I don't say anything, do I risk her sealing the deal with her ex boyfriend?

 

Do I just stay the course, hope things between her and her ex don't work and once that happens, I then express my feelings for her?

 

Do I just make a strong effort to turn off my feelings for her and go back to the dating game. I have stopped dating the past 2 months as I really truly have developed a love for her.

 

Thanks again for any advice, I am in desperate need of it. I have never been in a situation like this and my friends have really not been to helpful with this.

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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This must be a really hard situation to be in ....you have stated that she is essentially back with her ex...how do you know this has she told you so.....if she is indeed back with her ex then you have to step back she is in a relationship...whether it will last i dont know.....you could wait for her...my suggestion though is start to distance yourself a bit......because you cant really just be her best friend can you without going through a bit of pain......dotn live your life on the sidelines...if its meant to be for you and her it would happen...deb

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Lex30 Member

Lex30

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This must be a really hard situation to be in ....you have stated that she is essentially back with her ex...how do you know this has she told you so.....if she is indeed back with her ex then you have to step back she is in a relationship...whether it will last i dont know.....you could wait for her...my suggestion though is start to distance yourself a bit......because you cant really just be her best friend can you without going through a bit of pain......dotn live your life on the sidelines...if its meant to be for you and her it would happen...deb

 

Thanks for the reply. I agree, I didn't explain this part very well.

 

She hangs out with her ex alot and partly from her but also her being "tagged" with him on facebook posts. No, I don't stalk her facebook, but I see it on my news feed. She has never specifically told me she is dating her ex again or they are back together. In fact, he almost never comes up in conversations, which we have a lot of daily. In the past 3 weeks, she has mentioned him twice and both times it has been she hung out with him and they got in an argument.

 

You said it perfectly, "you can't really be her best friend without going through a bit of pain". This is what has been happening all month.

 

Also I don't want to live life on the sidelines, which makes me want to act sooner than later on this.

 

I don't want it to last but then I know that is just selfish on my part to think like that. If they are arguing it suggests to me, she isn't happy with it.

 

Its a heart wrenching situation, it consumes my thoughts a lot.

 

Should I distance myself or take a step back, some logic makes me think I should but then my heart draws me back in :(

Edited by Lex30
wizer Established Member

wizer

Posted
Posted

Who knows whats going on inside her head.

 

Maybe she does want to take things to the next level with you but she thinks you aren't interested because you never asked her.

 

Or, she sees you only as a friend and if you approach her for more she'll cut you down. It might even end the friendship for good.

 

There's only one way you're gonna know..

todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
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Thanks for the reply. I agree, I didn't explain this part very well.

 

She hangs out with her ex alot and partly from her but also her being "tagged" with him on facebook posts. No, I don't stalk her facebook, but I see it on my news feed. She has never specifically told me she is dating her ex again or they are back together. In fact, he almost never comes up in conversations, which we have a lot of daily. In the past 3 weeks, she has mentioned him twice and both times it has been she hung out with him and they got in an argument.

 

You said it perfectly, "you can't really be her best friend without going through a bit of pain". This is what has been happening all month.

 

Also I don't want to live life on the sidelines, which makes me want to act sooner than later on this.

 

I don't want it to last but then I know that is just selfish on my part to think like that. If they are arguing it suggests to me, she isn't happy with it.

 

Its a heart wrenching situation, it consumes my thoughts a lot.

 

Should I distance myself or take a step back, some logic makes me think I should but then my heart draws me back in :(

 

 

feels sort of like failure when you take a step back......but it really isnt..it can be a ti9me of relfection on what you want to happen and hwo to achieve it....

 

 

 

or

 

 

 

..you could tell her how you feel......you could step back.....distance yourself.....

 

the arguments she has gotten into with her ex dont signify a happy resolution between them.....the fact she hasnt told you she is back with her ex ...means she is probably not

 

 

what would be the positives if you tell her and the negatives.....i feel a lot of good guys miss out on possible relationships because they fail to act....either shyness or insecurities....or not wanting to initiate change.....and thats a shame....are you one of those guys...are you shy or insecure.....deb

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Lex30 Member

Lex30

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feels sort of like failure when you take a step back......but it really isnt..it can be a ti9me of relfection on what you want to happen and hwo to achieve it....

 

 

 

or

 

 

 

..you could tell her how you feel......you could step back.....distance yourself.....

 

the arguments she has gotten into with her ex dont signify a happy resolution between them.....the fact she hasnt told you she is back with her ex ...means she is probably not

 

 

what would be the positives if you tell her and the negatives.....i feel a lot of good guys miss out on possible relationships because they fail to act....either shyness or insecurities....or not wanting to initiate change.....and thats a shame....are you one of those guys...are you shy or insecure.....deb

 

I appreciate your input on the situation, its nice to get a fresh take on how someone else reads my situation.

 

It definitely feels like failure stepping back and with the current set of emotions, I can't imagine myself doing so, at least not now.

 

Shyness/insecurity of myself aren't the issue, its ultimately do I risk a close friendship or not? Do I lose someone's support, which has been very important the last few months? Initiating change is the only way to move forward with this, its just hard to do.

 

The only positive is she feels the same way and we start are own relationship together. Obviously a huge one.

 

There are a few negatives here.

 

If she is back with her ex boyfriend or is already set on getting back with him, its going to be a rejection. This will make things awkward, strain our great friendship or worse cause it to fade again.

 

If she isn't back with him but truly just views me as a BFF, the same can happen.

 

I value close female friends, I only have a few of them these days, so losing her as one would definitely hurt.

 

There could be a neutral reaction as well, she knows I have feelings for her, but she just wants me as a BFF, which would keep things status quo. I find this as the least likely response but its possible so I can't rule it out.

 

At the end of the day, I still can't read the situation well enough to decide how to act. Time may or may not be on my side, and sadly I won't know unless I act.

Edited by Lex30
kamani Established Member

kamani

Posted
Posted

You told you two are best friends. So why don't you verify whether she is in a relationship with ex? You can ask her whether she is still in love with him or in a relationship. Why all these imaginations? Usually friends discuss these things. Give it a try.

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Lex30 Member

Lex30

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You told you two are best friends. So why don't you verify whether she is in a relationship with ex? You can ask her whether she is still in love with him or in a relationship. Why all these imaginations? Usually friends discuss these things. Give it a try.

 

Very good point, thank you! I saw your post and decided to find out what the "status" between her and her ex is last night during a conversation. I casually brought it up and she said she was "seeing him" but they weren't officially together. I should have asked more, like "Do you want a relationship with him again, etc" but I'd didn't probe much more than that for whatever reason. I felt I got a decent enough answer.

 

This is just emotional a hard situation to deal with, amazingly I have never been in one like this all my life. I have always been forward about my feelings for woman, made it known early I have feelings for them or I didn't. This is very new to me and I guess it explains why I am having so much trouble handling it :(

 

I get the friendzone thing and I feel like that is exactly where I am. It makes sense, when we re-connected, I gave her much more in the friendship without wanting more back. Partially because I hadn't fallen in love with her at that point. I also felt when our friendship faded, I was the main cause of it. So I slipped into the friendzone with her before my feelings really developed.

 

She either is content with me being in the friendzone and hence she is seeing her ex. Or she has feelings for me but thinks I don't and hence is seeing her ex.

Edited by Lex30
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

If she's in a band, she's no shrinking violet, so I have to assume that if she'd wanted to get physical with you, she'd have shown you by now. I think a talk would be awkward. Why don't you take her somewhere either like a weekend cabin at a scenic getaway or someplace like a street fair or state fair or the zoo and see if she is comfortable with you holding her hand. If you're out in a big public place like a fair or zoo, it isn't too far-fetched to take someone's hand to keep from being separated. If she pulls away, you'll know it's just never going to happen. If she settles right into it, that's a first step. If she seems pleased about it, a hug and little kiss as you drop her off. Since she's involved with her ex to some level, you'll have to be prepared to give her plenty of no-pressure space to think it all through.

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lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

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When a best friends ask each other about their BF, they get a full answer. She didn't give you a real answer, therefore:

 

1. You are not best friends with her.

2. She's trying to hide what's going on between them because she feels bad about it.

 

Either way, you should talk to her, taking it off your chest. If it was just an attrac

tion, or a little crash i would say "drop it". But you can't date?? Talk to her and tell her how you feel, sooner the better.

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Lex30 Member

Lex30

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When a best friends ask each other about their BF, they get a full answer. She didn't give you a real answer, therefore:

 

1. You are not best friends with her.

2. She's trying to hide what's going on between them because she feels bad about it.

 

Either way, you should talk to her, taking it off your chest. If it was just an attrac

tion, or a little crash i would say "drop it". But you can't date?? Talk to her and tell her how you feel, sooner the better.

 

I appreciate the insight in your reply.

 

My theory is she maybe feels embarrassed or not content with the idea she has gone back to in her words "seeing the ex" which might be why she is hiding it to some degree from me.

 

The alternative is she has feelings for me OR thinks I having feelings for her and thinks talking about her ex with me might damage our friendship.

 

I feel like I just need to make a decision and run with it aware of the consequences.

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Lex30 Member

Lex30

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The more and more I look at my situation, the more I realize I am locked in the friendzone scenario. I wish I would have fallen in love with her much earlier, before our friendship developed into this.

 

The way I see it, early in us becoming good friends again, I really extended myself to help her out, listen to her and just be the type of friend that would always be there to support her. I did this partially because I felt guilty that I was the driving force in us losing touch over the years. I also really wanted to be good friends with her, it was a lot of fun in the past, and if I could be someone who meant something in her life, more power to me.

 

This level of friendship went on for months, and I think she became very happy and complacent with our friendship. The exchange friendship isn't even and she is getting everything she wants out of it while I am not. I guess you could say I sold my self short but its not my fault. I didn't fall in love with her until well after this was established.

 

So how can I break from this, without risking our friendship? Is that even possible? Probably not.

 

 

Am I wrong with my analysis of the friendship zone? Are my emotions getting in the way of logic?

 

I have been in the friendship zone with females before, but I didn't have feelings for them other than I was a friend there to support them and enjoyed their company. This is just so different!

Edited by Lex30
preraph Established Member

preraph

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Lex, why don't you put that friendship a little on the backburner but not all the way and then begin dating other girls. You never know, she might start paying attention like guys sometimes do who don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you. Or maybe if she sees you in action as a sexual boyfriend being type, it will change her perception. Bring a girl to her gigs, but really date the girl and give the new girl a chance. The worst that can happen is you fall for the new girl.

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Lex30 Member

Lex30

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Lex, why don't you put that friendship a little on the backburner but not all the way and then begin dating other girls. You never know, she might start paying attention like guys sometimes do who don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you. Or maybe if she sees you in action as a sexual boyfriend being type, it will change her perception. Bring a girl to her gigs, but really date the girl and give the new girl a chance. The worst that can happen is you fall for the new girl.

 

Its going to be very difficult in my current state of mind to put our friendship on the backburner for a bit and start dating other girls with my current state of emotions for her....

 

BUT

 

I actually really like this idea and eventually I am going to have to do something, I can't live life on the sidelines, I just can't.

 

I can either be forward about moving forward and just tell her my feelings and accept the consequences if they aren't mutual.

 

Or I can do what you suggest, which is a win-win situation. I have nothing to lose at all, and a lot to gain from it. I appreciate your suggestion, it has given me a logically way to attack it if I am not going to get to the point with her, which I feel I just won't

preraph Established Member

preraph

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For what it's worth back when I was getting heartbroken seems like an awful lot (and I only went to gigs, really nothing else), it always helped one way or the other to have a guy with me. For me, I had some younger guys who were sort of in awe of me and my roommate, no one I slept with, but they were always eager to go anywhere with either of us. I'd have one on my arm and put a big toothy smile on and go in looking like I'd won the lottery and was a winner, not the miserable loser I felt like inside with my heart aching. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it all better. In lieu of a woman, even a big group of friends to party it up with makes you look really popular and desirable (plus they know women to introduce you to). So just don't pass up any opportunities.

 

Good luck!

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Lex30 Member

Lex30

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For what it's worth back when I was getting heartbroken seems like an awful lot (and I only went to gigs, really nothing else), it always helped one way or the other to have a guy with me. For me, I had some younger guys who were sort of in awe of me and my roommate, no one I slept with, but they were always eager to go anywhere with either of us. I'd have one on my arm and put a big toothy smile on and go in looking like I'd won the lottery and was a winner, not the miserable loser I felt like inside with my heart aching. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it all better. In lieu of a woman, even a big group of friends to party it up with makes you look really popular and desirable (plus they know women to introduce you to). So just don't pass up any opportunities.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks!

 

Back in my early 20's it was easier to do this, but it gets hard once you hit 30. Opportunities just become harder to come by and well I think that mentality filters into my current situation.

 

Regardless of how this ultimately plays out though, I need to start hanging out with more woman again. Its interesting how I have kind of cut myself off once I feel in love with this girl. Looking back over the past 5 months, I went to almost exclusively hanging out with this girl in my free time.

 

Its almost like I have become addicted to her in a sense, any opportunity that arises to hang out, I do it. I can't go more than a day without texting or calling her. If she calls or texts me, I almost always respond quickly. This behavior just has gotten worse over time.

 

In any situation in the past , I would have asked her out or made a move well before now. Initially I didn't want to do it because of the she's my best friend excuse. Now I am not because she is "seeing" her ex, and really its pretty clear there is something there between them right now. For instance tonight she is out with him.

 

I just don't think there would be any possible positive from telling her I flat out love her right now, its going to not turn out well for me. I also am not going to sit around waiting for her to stop seeing him, it may/could never happen.

 

Like any addiction, I have to step back and slowly stop this. I think preraph, what you suggest is perfect. I do need a little more time before I do that.

 

Never thought at 30 I would deal with something quite like this. Also never though I would be playing the single game at this age!

preraph Established Member

preraph

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It's natural to focus on one person when feelings are involved. But sometimes you have to override your urges to give yourself the best advantage. And yes, I agree the older you get, the fewer opportunities. That's why you better get busy!

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Lex30 Member

Lex30

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It's natural to focus on one person when feelings are involved. But sometimes you have to override your urges to give yourself the best advantage. And yes, I agree the older you get, the fewer opportunities. That's why you better get busy!

 

Already got a chance to try what you suggested, took out a female friend I often work out with at the gym Sunday. I am not interested in her, but its a start at least to get myself out of focusing on one person.

 

I talked to my BFF sunday night and she was very interested in me hanging out with this girl sunday, and wanted to know what we did, even to the point of asking if I had feelings for this girl. She has mutual friends with her, and was suggesting we might not be a "good fit" and that I am "too good" for her etc. I sense she seemed uncomfortable with us hanging out.

 

I am going to continue down this road, hang out with some other female friends I know are single and just see how it plays out. My goal is maybe I can tell her my feelings for her and just say based on her situation with her ex I decided I can't live on the sidelines any longer.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Well, if nothing else, it seems to have opened up a dialogue, right? And meanwhile, you might end up liking someone who is more focused on you. Good luck!

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AJ27k Member

AJ27k

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This thread brought me to these forums! This is kinda of similar to my current situation. There are differences but its very close.

 

I like your post about the friendzone, although I am not too sure I am there with the close friend I have fallen in love with.The thing preventing me from taking the next step is the same, she is involved with her ex boyfriend and its not clear what that means.How did you go about asking her the status of her relationship with her ex? I need to find this out but if I ask bluntly she'll figure it all out.

 

I consider this girl a close friend, to the point where I don't want to make things awkward and ruin it. Have you tried to gauge if she has feelings for you at some level? I want to do the same in my situation but havent figured out how without revealing I have feelings for her. We don't have a close mutual friend I could ask for help, so it has to be me figuring it out.

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lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

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Already got a chance to try what you suggested, took out a female friend I often work out with at the gym Sunday. I am not interested in her, but its a start at least to get myself out of focusing on one person.

 

I talked to my BFF sunday night and she was very interested in me hanging out with this girl sunday, and wanted to know what we did, even to the point of asking if I had feelings for this girl. She has mutual friends with her, and was suggesting we might not be a "good fit" and that I am "too good" for her etc. I sense she seemed uncomfortable with us hanging out.

 

I am going to continue down this road, hang out with some other female friends I know are single and just see how it plays out. My goal is maybe I can tell her my feelings for her and just say based on her situation with her ex I decided I can't live on the sidelines any longer.

 

So, she asks you every detail about this girl, but doesn't tell you anything about the meaning of her "seeing her ex"? How do you think she'd react if you didn't give her any detail and just saying "im seeing that girl"?

 

My strong advice - just tell her. What is the worst thing can happen? She will tell you that she doesn't feel the same way for you, and she will certainly hope that you will be able to stay friends with her. So, it will be up to you, exactly as it now. You have nothing to lose except from few embarassing moments.

 

Just tell her.

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Lex30 Member

Lex30

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So, she asks you every detail about this girl, but doesn't tell you anything about the meaning of her "seeing her ex"? How do you think she'd react if you didn't give her any detail and just saying "im seeing that girl"?

 

My strong advice - just tell her. What is the worst thing can happen? She will tell you that she doesn't feel the same way for you, and she will certainly hope that you will be able to stay friends with her. So, it will be up to you, exactly as it now. You have nothing to lose except from few embarassing moments.

 

Just tell her.

 

Thanks for the post.

 

I have recently tried to get into the meaning of what "seeing her ex" is. I have had two conversations where I have point blank asked her "Do you have feelings for your ex still" and "Are you two officially back together again". In both cases the answer has left me more confused about their status than before I asked it.

 

I got "I still have feelings for him but we keep having the same arguments that we had before we broke up". Fair enough, I felt like I got a pretty good answer here. She likes him still but can't work past their issues.

 

The second time I asked I got "We aren't officially together but we are still seeing each other". "Its complicated and I can't say either way". I should have asked more about this, but I just dropped it. I could tell she was uncomfortable at this point in the conversation, and I changed the topic.

 

So at the end of the day I take from this, she still likes him but there are issues that are preventing it from working, but both are still trying to make it work.

 

She never gives me any detail on if they hung out, what they did, etc. Its strange because if we are just best friends, why would she not want to talk about it ever with me or bring him up? I can make some guesses as to why, but it doesn't really change the end game.

 

I am leaning more and more in just telling her. But I do value our friendship, and I was best friends with her for awhile before falling in love with her.

 

Maybe I just don't have the balls to tell her, maybe I just don't feel like taking the chance right now, its tough to really get down to why I won't do it, but I understand and want to follow your advice. Eventually I have to, but is there a right time? Do I hold off a little longer just to see if her and the ex call it off? I don't know!

Edited by Lex30
lolablue17 Established Member

lolablue17

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Now you have feelings for her, while she is "seeing her Ex" + she doesn't show signs she has feeling for you, yet you still want to hang out with her as friends.

 

If you tell her and she denies, its the same... . you still love her, she doesn't love you back, and she will be still "seeing her Ex". It's the same, nothing has changed.

 

The only thing that probably will change is that you will know for sure that it's not mutual. Maybe this knowledge will help you to pull yourself out of this trap.

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Lex30 Member

Lex30

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Now you have feelings for her, while she is "seeing her Ex" + she doesn't show signs she has feeling for you, yet you still want to hang out with her as friends.

 

If you tell her and she denies, its the same... . you still love her, she doesn't love you back, and she will be still "seeing her Ex". It's the same, nothing has changed.

 

The only thing that probably will change is that you will know for sure that it's not mutual. Maybe this knowledge will help you to pull yourself out of this trap.

 

Well I finally just did it today. I told her that I had something on my mind that had been bothering me for months and I just had to get it off my chest. I told her that I had fallen in love with her and had strong feelings. I said I went into this 100% as a friendship but she grew on me and I fell in love. I couldn't go on any longer without her knowing.

 

Surprisingly, went in a positive direction. She said at times she felt I liked her more than just a best friend but often got conflicting signals for me so never could actually figure me out. She also said she didn't like bringing her ex bf up to me because she wasn't sure if it mad me uncomfortable or upset.

 

Well, the feelings are mutual, she had fallen for me as well but she really thought it wasn't mutual, hence why she was "seeing" her ex.

 

We will see how things go from here on out. But regardless, I feel so much better and good now. It was mutual the whole damn time! I should have done this weeks/months ago, would have saved a lot of heartache and trouble sleeping.

 

Very happy, feel like I am on cloud 9! We made plans for the weekend, I can't wait.

 

Thank you lolablue, as your last two post really got me to get the nerve to just tell her how I feel, especially the last post.

 

I want to thank everyone else who gave me input, all was valuable and helped me get to this point today. Still a little shocked but pretty stoked to move forward with this now!

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