A nasty letter I am ready to send. Why not?

[joseb]

Fact is everything she accused me of was basically a projection.

Good you recognise this.

 

She was completely independent, and made serious money so she never needed anything from me.

..

 

She was also the funniest woman I have ever met.

Mine was like this too, which is why it took me so lonf to recognise what I was dealing with. Most borderlines I heard about were also gold diggers or just plain incabale of looking after themselves. And not many women made me laugh as much as her.

 

I myself feel like a Borderline in the way I acted. I am questioning my own behavior, lack of boundaries, abondement fears and testing I did. I am seeing all this core damage I have, that allowed me to stay with her. So codependent. SO addicted.

Yeah most people start to pick up some traits if you spend too much time with a borderline. It's good you recognise your co-dependance.

 

I am trying to be strong right now but have no desire to socialize. I have no energy to put on my party face and have fun. I certainly do not want to date, but also feel very lonely and miss just being touched or waking up next to someone.

 

Take your time dating. Do try to socialise a bit - I found getting out with friends to be a major help in preventing me ruminating on everything.

I also found exercising to help get some enthusiasm for life back.

[NoLeafClover]

Now that you sent the email.. she is now going to read the email and show up at your door step, beg for your mercy and then ask you to marry her, have kids and live happily ever after.

[joseb]

Now that you sent the email.. she is now going to read the email and show up at your door step, beg for your mercy and then ask you to marry her, have kids and live happily ever after

 

Unfortunately given the nature of borderlines, she may do something just like this (minus the bit in bold)

Let's just hope for the OP she doesn't!

Edited May 1, 2015 by joseb

[elaine567]

But I also started feeling that I need to take responsibility for my own issues. Blaming a borderline keeps me as a victim...

 

Very true.

You can play amateur psychologist all day, you can analyse her behaviour down to every basic thing she ever did, BUT how does that really help you.

I think it is very easy for dumpees to apply *conformation bias.

In their mind they rack their brains looking for how she acted to fit the diagnosis they have chosen. The more they look, the more the diagnosis seems to fit, but the reality is that we all show signs of personality disorders occasionally. Personality disorders are spectrum disorders, we can all be drama queens, we can all be manipulative, we can all lack empathy, we can all be cruel at times.

Too many shift all the blame on to their partner, by applying a psychiatric label to them, when I guess most times the dumper is just immature, or deals with things in an immature way, or are within the "normal" range personality wise but are under stress. Stress that many times the relationship itself brought them.

 

I am not saying people with personality disorders do not exist, of course they do, but the labelling of dumpers can get out of hand here. "Blaming" is a normal part of the grief process in break ups and can go some way to healing the ego and allowing a dumpee to move on .

However some get carried away and end up obsessing over the dumpers personality, apply "a label" and end up in a blame rut.

They forget their own part in the relationship and the break up and continue to blame, blame, blame, and that is far from healthy.

 

*Confirmation bias is a phenomenon wherein decision makers have been shown to actively seek out and assign more weight to evidence that confirms their hypothesis, and ignore or underweigh evidence that could disconfirm their hypothesis.

[ToOldForThis]

She will never come back for two reason. The first being that she always played the victim and blamed me. She made a point of expressing this to all her family and friends who would give her great support as to why she should stay away from me. She made me out to be the bad guy and a total jerk. So on an ego level she would embarrass herself too much if she came back to the relationship. Her façade is that of a prefect caring, kind woman. That is always how she is publicly seen.

But, behind closed doors, I called the police on her twice, she sole my laptop, phone, took car keys, bit me, punched me etc. Like I said, this is about why I stayed in the relationship not what she did. I also agree that labeling her BPD and putting it all back on some personality disorder is not going to help me heal. It deflects my part in it and sends me into victim mode myself. Ultimately she did the best she could with who she is.

 

The other reason she will never come back is that I am friends with 3-4 of my exes and this use to piss her off. Woman I dated 20 years ago then a few years later became friends. Many married and had a new life, but we still remained friends. So my recent ex, screamed….”I will never ever be your friend or speak to you again, I’m not going to be put in your ex pile”. The only thing that is really tough about never speaking again is that we live 3 blocks away from each other, and both are a few blocks from our town where all the restaurants, public events, farmer markets, art fairs etc are. I have already run into her 4-5 times and it’s not ever warm weather yet. So now I feel like a prisoner in my own town. To have to intentionally walk in the other direction when I see her.

 

Everywhere I walk or eat I am looking over my shoulder to see if she will walk in or pass me. I even ask for tables in the back and never face the door or windows. But as the weather gets warmer, everyone sits outside. It just sucks that I have to keep changing my life to avoid her for my own comfort. I literally walk into this town almost every day for coffee, pastries etc, and now either have to get in my car and drive somewhere else or just deal with seeing her and the new boyfriend. I also feel like a looser when I am alone and she sees me. So the idea just sitting in the center park with a book is off the table for now. Something I use to enjoy. I know in time, when I am indifferent this will be much easier but I suspect that will not be sometime soon. So I feel that she still has so much power over me and that I need to chance my lifestyle to avoid her. She on the other hand could care less, as she walks thought town with our dogs and new BF happy as can be.

At least that’s how it looks.

[ToOldForThis]

The ex of 2.5 months ago just left for Ireland with her new BF. Gone for a week. A trip that we had planed 3 months ago. Today was such a horrible day for me. I have been terribly depressed, now on meds, in therapy and barely functioning. And off she goes! The unfairness of life sometimes just kicks your A**. The fact that the two of them could have gone anywhere on the planet makes me think she wanted to hurt me. Or she just could care less and really just wanted to go to Ireland. Neither situation feels better.

I have obsessive thoughts of their entire trip. We traveled together a great deal so I know her routine, how she packs, what she takes, how she sleeps on the plane etc. And now I see it all in living color in my head with her and the new guy. This is torture.

 

I have seen her several times in passing since the break, mostly with him. We did not speak. Just a stare. We were together 3.5 years and live 3 blocks from each other so this will continue to happen.

 

I just don’t know how to get through this. I don’t want to go out, be with friend and family or do anything. I already lost a lot of weight and basically look like hell, started smoking and can only sleep with pills not. Never had to before.

 

I feel so discarded. I just can’t believe how fast she has moved on with this new relationship. We have spoken once, a week ago for the first time since the break. She did say that the new BF was just so sweet to her and that she could not have done the break- up with out him. He is also 10 years younger than her, 37 vs 27. So I imagine he is in awe of her and all she has to offer. Younger men are generally very dedicated to their cougar partners; I was one once a long time ago. An age appropriate partner for the man can never compete with the older woman’s experiences, finances etc. So even if this is a rebound, it may last a long time. Makes it worse.

 

And even if she is still hurting a bit, and still may miss me occasionally, she is out having a wonderful life because she has moved on. Really moved on.

 

Four months ago, I broke up with her, 3 weeks later she came back to me for closure and to drops things off. We got back together but she had her new BF in place as a back-up plan. I believe there was nothing romantic at the time just a strong friendship that was growing. We stayed together for 3 more weeks, even went on vacation together to try and figure us out. When we landed the phone rang and it was him. I said nothing, but saw the name on caller ID. Next day I confronted her in a text, and said she needed to decide what or whom she wanted and that she owed me the respect of not dragging me through her decision process. We never spoke again, not a work. Brutal for me. I could have called to discuss this but it seems clear that she had made a decision. So technically we both broke up with each other just at different times.

 

None of that matters, because even when I broke up with her, I missed her like crazy and wanted our life back. Problem is she’s nuts and I am not a picnic either. So why am I so depressed when I know the relationship was doomed. My heart will not listen to my brain. And even worse, I want my life with her back; of course not all the bad stuff but the sweet times. I am just a mess. And by the way, I am old really old so this pisses me off even more that I cannot get out of my own way and heal and let go. I have never been married and have been through this to many times in my life already. I feel very hopeless that I will not find someone and be alone for a very long time. I am fine being alone and not one to need to be in a relationship, but given the choice I would rather be in one. I do not want to date right now, not at all. And I feel like I can never open my heart up again because I don’t have the strength to have it broken again. The reward of loving vs. the risk of it ending eventually has put some deep scars on my outlook. It seems most of the people in this forum are younger, so when you have been in a dozen long term relationships as I have, you realize that unless you marry the person, they will always end at some point. So hard to invest yourself with such odds. And yes, I must be attracted to the wrong women, the unhealthy ones. And I do look at my part in all the relationship and take responsibility for my actions, learn from them. I have been both the dumper and dumpee over the years and either way, you end up alone and starting over.

[ephemeralme]

The ex of 2.5 months ago just left for Ireland with her new BF. Gone for a week. A trip that we had planed 3 months ago. Today was such a horrible day for me. I have been terribly depressed, now on meds, in therapy and barely functioning. And off she goes! The unfairness of life sometimes just kicks your A**. The fact that the two of them could have gone anywhere on the planet makes me think she wanted to hurt me. Or she just could care less and really just wanted to go to Ireland. Neither situation feels better.

I have obsessive thoughts of their entire trip. We traveled together a great deal so I know her routine, how she packs, what she takes, how she sleeps on the plane etc. And now I see it all in living color in my head with her and the new guy. This is torture.

 

I have seen her several times in passing since the break, mostly with him. We did not speak. Just a stare. We were together 3.5 years and live 3 blocks from each other so this will continue to happen.

 

I just don’t know how to get through this. I don’t want to go out, be with friend and family or do anything. I already lost a lot of weight and basically look like hell, started smoking and can only sleep with pills not. Never had to before.

 

I feel so discarded. I just can’t believe how fast she has moved on with this new relationship. We have spoken once, a week ago for the first time since the break. She did say that the new BF was just so sweet to her and that she could not have done the break- up with out him. He is also 10 years younger than her, 37 vs 27. So I imagine he is in awe of her and all she has to offer. Younger men are generally very dedicated to their cougar partners; I was one once a long time ago. An age appropriate partner for the man can never compete with the older woman’s experiences, finances etc. So even if this is a rebound, it may last a long time. Makes it worse.

 

And even if she is still hurting a bit, and still may miss me occasionally, she is out having a wonderful life because she has moved on. Really moved on.

 

Four months ago, I broke up with her, 3 weeks later she came back to me for closure and to drops things off. We got back together but she had her new BF in place as a back-up plan. I believe there was nothing romantic at the time just a strong friendship that was growing. We stayed together for 3 more weeks, even went on vacation together to try and figure us out. When we landed the phone rang and it was him. I said nothing, but saw the name on caller ID. Next day I confronted her in a text, and said she needed to decide what or whom she wanted and that she owed me the respect of not dragging me through her decision process. We never spoke again, not a work. Brutal for me. I could have called to discuss this but it seems clear that she had made a decision. So technically we both broke up with each other just at different times.

 

None of that matters, because even when I broke up with her, I missed her like crazy and wanted our life back. Problem is she’s nuts and I am not a picnic either. So why am I so depressed when I know the relationship was doomed. My heart will not listen to my brain. And even worse, I want my life with her back; of course not all the bad stuff but the sweet times. I am just a mess. And by the way, I am old really old so this pisses me off even more that I cannot get out of my own way and heal and let go. I have never been married and have been through this to many times in my life already. I feel very hopeless that I will not find someone and be alone for a very long time. I am fine being alone and not one to need to be in a relationship, but given the choice I would rather be in one. I do not want to date right now, not at all. And I feel like I can never open my heart up again because I don’t have the strength to have it broken again. The reward of loving vs. the risk of it ending eventually has put some deep scars on my outlook. It seems most of the people in this forum are younger, so when you have been in a dozen long term relationships as I have, you realize that unless you marry the person, they will always end at some point. So hard to invest yourself with such odds. And yes, I must be attracted to the wrong women, the unhealthy ones. And I do look at my part in all the relationship and take responsibility for my actions, learn from them. I have been both the dumper and dumpee over the years and either way, you end up alone and starting over.

TOFT

 

 

ahhh, this bites and bites hard. Even if you remain NC-- your living proximity gives you too much of an open window view of the who, what, when and wtfs of her life and doings.

not an easy one. I don't know what or how but you will need to find ways to NOT look her way or in her living direction.

 

 

Also... sigh... while I know I am on ol Sod.. my heart isn't my joie de vivre isn't and I am 53!!!!

been married/ for 21 years /ended in D - had a toxic rebound --dreadful..he was a true Jekyll and hyde--- cheated on me I learned our entire R..and is a narcissist that I actually allowed ( in the midst of my own fog --they do a great job of reducing one's own intuition, gut feelings etc) I was brain dead in that R and let him emotionally abuse me. I am still, to this day damaged from that R and emotionally scarred....thus why my recent BU of 5 weeks ago. We were engaged even if in a semi LTR...

Gosh, I have a heart of gold, really I do... I love, am passionate, kind, caring, giving, intelligent, generous and truly genuine...

but I have residual scars, insecurities and while I told him everything and let him KNOW me....

the last year where my dad passed and then several other very significant life events happened in my family....

I was no longer as emotionally responsible in our R...and with my sense of insecurity and need for reassurance... for some reason ( maybe he is a bit of an avoidant and EUM) he.... backed up and blind sided me with an" it's over"

 

 

I am with a therapist and my new R is with ME... for ME and to help ME heal.

I, am heartbroken, afraid of my future, sad, and depressed...but at the same time... there is still a shred of hope..

 

 

Please don't give up on your HOPE..

my neighbor of 60 .. divorced about 1.5 yr ago.. met a woman 6 months later and now they live together.

 

 

another woman I know.... book club friends hooked her up with a widowed man of Law; they dated for a year--now they are married.

 

 

I understand... I wrote a poem to myself about being a new brand of trash bag....

it is horrible to feel discarded, easily replaced and not even looked back on.

 

 

give yourself some space to breathe and take care of you.

we exert a lot of energy thinking, wondering, asking and questioning, pining and not understanding how our Exs can do what they do, etc...

 

 

sometimes, it helps to think... well, they certainly aren't sitting there brooding, crying, falling apart and broken are the??? so why should we?

 

 

I know, I know...easier said than done... I get it. I really do.

 

 

I hurt, I cry, I am effffen angry, I am disappointed and have lost something I believed in... I thought we would end up the sweet ol couple holding hands and complaining about our aches and pains...

 

 

thank GOD --for my dogs.... unconditional love and joy---

they always help.

 

 

I would suggest you volunteer at a hospital, or animal shelter for a bit...

those in need always bring you to perspective.

 

 

ps. I wrote him a few pages.... a letter not of closure, not of anger, not wanting a response..just a... here's how I see things....

he blamed me but reality is... two to tango. I felt I needed to get some of my views off my chest and take the poison-tipped arrow he stabbed me with out of my heart... for ME.

I don't care if he hates me for it, doesn't respond... doesn't get it or understand. it was my one piece of contact in 5 weeks to do something for me.

 

 

you'll be okay.... good thing you are with a therapist.

and take a look at some of the LS posts here about 1 year after breakup.. they are actually 1. amazing people trying to pay it forward

and 2. they are survivors of this BS heartache -loss -pain- mess and 3. they are inspiring and hopeful.

 

 

this too shall pass.

Edited May 2, 2015 by ephemeralme
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[Faded264]

I know the feeling. My ex boyfriend and I broke up last year. We were together for 2.5 years.

 

He had a new gf in 2 months. I found out he was engaged and they were having a baby two months later.

 

It's been a year since we broke up, and I feel so much better now. You will too.

 

It sounds like you haven't spoken to her, but you know a lot about what she's doing. Block her on all social media. Seriously, it will save you so much heartache.

 

Stop checking up on her.

 

Move forward and don't look back, like she has done.

[ToOldForThis]

Ephemeralme,

 

Thank you for your kind words and inspiration. It all makes sense; the hard part is believing it and knowing that the future is always unknown.

 

I guess what I struggle with is time. I am 55 and as I said never married. The longest relationship I was in was 10 years otherwise most seem to last the magic 3 years for me.

So with time off for good behavior and healing I would say I’ve been in 7 adult relationships. Also a few affairs in between and a lot of fun dating. My pattern is that of the fear of closeness, hence the affairs. Those were in my 20’s and 30’s until I finally understood how many people my selfish and deceitful behavior was hurting so many people. I loved the excitement of a married woman along with the unavailability of them. When I finally grew out of that stage of my life, I was left with the real challenge of truly bonding with a loved one. Not so easy for me. So now I am faced with the only option of either growing, leaning and changing to allow myself true intimacy or face the rest of my life with short term relationships destined to fail as I feel close. I an just so fearful that I don’t really know how to do this. I can certainly enjoy life and love doing it with a special person but this black cloud of doubt is suffocating me.

 

The strangest thing for me is that when I was with my ex. I had zero interest in any other woman, I mean none. Flirting, even checking out other woman was off my radar. I say strange because she was everything I wanted and I had never experienced that before.

I could be at party filled with beautiful woman and think, non are as beautiful as her, and feel so lucky. It just never faded. I never stopped touching her, holding her hand and being loving until our last day. So it seem now, that I just won’t find that again, because I only found it once in my 30 plus years of being in many relationships. It is truly special to connect to someone on that level and feel in many ways that the honeymoon attraction never ended for me.

 

But….. The relationship was also toxic. We fought a lot and had way to much drama for my age. She was very insecure and needed to be constantly reassurance of my love. It was exhausting on may levels. But when it was good, it was the best. And that is the part that keeps me from letting go and moving on. I just think I need to be alone for a very long time until I can make sense of all this and be ready for maybe the first time in my life to have a real intimate relationship with out holding back or running from it.

 

That for me is the depressing part.

[ToOldForThis]

I don't check on her at all. I deleted everything the day after the breakup. Blocked her and were never FB friends. Travel info came from our only conversation on the phone. I told all friends to not inform me of anything in her life. I know better. My brother in law stills sees her for work reasons and actually works for the new BF and sees him all the time. So even though I am temped to ask about her, I reframe. I know how to do this letting go thing. I really do. I am just so tired of doing it over the years.

[ephemeralme]

Ephemeralme,

 

Thank you for your kind words and inspiration. It all makes sense; the hard part is believing it and knowing that the future is always unknown.

 

I guess what I struggle with is time. I am 55 and as I said never married. The longest relationship I was in was 10 years otherwise most seem to last the magic 3 years for me.

So with time off for good behavior and healing I would say I’ve been in 7 adult relationships. Also a few affairs in between and a lot of fun dating. My pattern is that of the fear of closeness, hence the affairs. Those were in my 20’s and 30’s until I finally understood how many people my selfish and deceitful behavior was hurting so many people. I loved the excitement of a married woman along with the unavailability of them. When I finally grew out of that stage of my life, I was left with the real challenge of truly bonding with a loved one. Not so easy for me. So now I am faced with the only option of either growing, leaning and changing to allow myself true intimacy or face the rest of my life with short term relationships destined to fail as I feel close. I an just so fearful that I don’t really know how to do this. I can certainly enjoy life and love doing it with a special person but this black cloud of doubt is suffocating me.

 

The strangest thing for me is that when I was with my ex. I had zero interest in any other woman, I mean none. Flirting, even checking out other woman was off my radar. I say strange because she was everything I wanted and I had never experienced that before.

I could be at party filled with beautiful woman and think, non are as beautiful as her, and feel so lucky. It just never faded. I never stopped touching her, holding her hand and being loving until our last day. So it seem now, that I just won’t find that again, because I only found it once in my 30 plus years of being in many relationships. It is truly special to connect to someone on that level and feel in many ways that the honeymoon attraction never ended for me.

 

ah, I know for myself... I would love that .... I had always been that way with my now Ex.....

 

But….. The relationship was also toxic. We fought a lot and had way to much drama for my age. She was very insecure and needed to be constantly reassurance of my love. It was exhausting on may levels. But when it was good, it was the best. And that is the part that keeps me from letting go and moving on. I just think I need to be alone for a very long time until I can make sense of all this and be ready for maybe the first time in my life to have a real intimate relationship with out holding back or running from it.

 

its odd she was insecure considering how doting and devoted an in love with her you were.

but when the good is GOOD,... it very much over rides the not so good.

yet, toxic relationships ... you lose yourself in them and somehow it becomes the motions of the R and not the real intimacy of what they should grow into.

 

sounds and seems like you and I are in for a choppy ride.

 

at my age, 53... with emotional work ahead of me - it is a sad and lonely thought to think I'll not ever have a loving partner to share the years ahead with.

I can do it... don't wish to.

 

 

thus..... really am so pissed... he gave up, he walked away..rather than WORK for what we already gave to the R and created....

it would be bad karma for me to say.. but I'll hint at it...

he won't find another woman to love and cherish him as I did.

 

 

That for me is the depressing part.

 

 

it's all depressing... sigh. but we gotta keep on keepin' on...value ourselves !!!!

Edited May 2, 2015 by ephemeralme
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