A nasty letter I am ready to send. Why not?

[ToOldForThis]

I am so angry with my ex. I wrote her an email expressing all my anger and disgust with her lies and new rebound relationship. I have not sent it, but I so badly want to. We were together 3.5 years and she wanted to marry me. We fought a lot so I was reluctant to commit to such a messy relationship. Never the less I was deeply in love with her, still am and have been struggling to let go for 3 months now.

 

I broke up with her 4 months ago. 3 weeks later she came back and we decided to really try and work on us. We went to the islands for a week. On a layover flight on our return, she gets a call from this guy. She is 37 he is 27. I drop her at home and we don’t discuss it. I was 1:00 AM. Next morning I text her saying she owes me the respect of deciding what or who it is she wants and to not please not drag me through her process. I never heard from her again. After 3.5 years that’s it. Silence.

 

I sent a very short email a month later, saying I was thinking about her. I see her a few times with this guy (we live 3 blocks from each other) but she does not see me. The third time I pass her on my motorcycle, I have a woman on the back (A friend), the ex is with the new boyfriend. We just stare at each other for a second. A month later I send a very sweet two-paragraph email just talking about some memories, nothing more. She calls 5 minutes later and starts screaming at me about how I broke her heart and she is ruined to ever fall in love again and to stay the F--- away from her and never contact her again.

She finally calms down and I express my side of the story. Typical of her she takes no responsibility and says nothing was going on with the guy until we broke up. I remind her she never contacted me again after I sent that text. And tell her I got the message, she was done. By the time we hung up I was beyond confused and felt I never got honest answers or my own closure.

 

So I wrote a pretty nasty letter to her last night. I know I should not send it by I am asking why not? If it makes me feel better, why do I need to protect her from this deserving anger?

 

I am looking for advice as to not only why I should not send this but why she would lash out at me after 3 months when she is happily in a new relationship. (They are even traveling to Europe soon) And if she had so much anger, why not express it to me rather to wait until I contacted her. She basically got her closure on my dime so to speak. Pisses me off even more. I need to let go but I feel so cheated out of being able to speak my mind.

[tylerj]

I am so angry with my ex. I wrote her an email expressing all my anger and disgust with her lies and new rebound relationship. I have not sent it, but I so badly want to. We were together 3.5 years and she wanted to marry me. We fought a lot so I was reluctant to commit to such a messy relationship. Never the less I was deeply in love with her, still am and have been struggling to let go for 3 months now.

 

I broke up with her 4 months ago. 3 weeks later she came back and we decided to really try and work on us. We went to the islands for a week. On a layover flight on our return, she gets a call from this guy. She is 37 he is 27. I drop her at home and we don’t discuss it. I was 1:00 AM. Next morning I text her saying she owes me the respect of deciding what or who it is she wants and to not please not drag me through her process. I never heard from her again. After 3.5 years that’s it. Silence.

 

I sent a very short email a month later, saying I was thinking about her. I see her a few times with this guy (we live 3 blocks from each other) but she does not see me. The third time I pass her on my motorcycle, I have a woman on the back (A friend), the ex is with the new boyfriend. We just stare at each other for a second. A month later I send a very sweet two-paragraph email just talking about some memories, nothing more. She calls 5 minutes later and starts screaming at me about how I broke her heart and she is ruined to ever fall in love again and to stay the F--- away from her and never contact her again.

She finally calms down and I express my side of the story. Typical of her she takes no responsibility and says nothing was going on with the guy until we broke up. I remind her she never contacted me again after I sent that text. And tell her I got the message, she was done. By the time we hung up I was beyond confused and felt I never got honest answers or my own closure.

 

So I wrote a pretty nasty letter to her last night. I know I should not send it by I am asking why not? If it makes me feel better, why do I need to protect her from this deserving anger?

 

I am looking for advice as to not only why I should not send this but why she would lash out at me after 3 months when she is happily in a new relationship. (They are even traveling to Europe soon) And if she had so much anger, why not express it to me rather to wait until I contacted her. She basically got her closure on my dime so to speak. Pisses me off even more. I need to let go but I feel so cheated out of being able to speak my mind.

 

Be the better person and let it go.

 

She won't be upset by it, she will just think you're bitter. It will achieve nothing.

[wizer]

Because if you send it you will ultimately realize that if she even reads it she'll probably just see it as you not getting over her and it just makes you look really weak and spiteful and do you really want to know that's the last impression she'll ever have of you? She might even show it to the new guy and they'll have a chuckle at your expense.

 

If you're ok with that then sure send it.

 

I know I wouldn't.

[SycamoreCircle]

Look, let it go. Both of you need to be away from each other. You are both guilty of going back on decisions you made. You're just as mixed up as her. You have no room to blame her.

 

You broke up with her for a reason. Remember that decision. Stick by that decision.

[ToOldForThis]

She could never let the new guy read it because it talks about her other lies over the years that she also denied. She is one of those people that is an emotional mess in private but amazing in public. THe new guy will find out soon. I know I give up my dignity if I send it but I am pretty sure she already know I am not over her yet. Why does it matter what she thinks If we never speak again? She is never coming back and I need to make sure of that, because I have been weak in the past and took her back when she asked me.

[wizer]

Not for nothing but you sound like a jilted bitter ex with the old "the new guy will learn about her lies soon..."

 

You'd still be with her if you could.

 

And so is he.

[mammasita]

Because she doesn't care and will read it out loud and laugh about it with her new boyfriend.

 

That should be reason enough.

[Downtown]

I know I should not send it by I am asking why not? If it makes me feel better, why do I need to protect her from this deserving anger?

TOFT, if you're correct about her having strong BPD traits, she has the emotional development of a four year old -- a painful condition I would not wish on my worst enemy. But you already know that -- at an intellectual level. You also know intellectually that telling her accomplishes nothing because -- to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of the truth -- her subconscious will project all of it right back onto you.

 

Moreover, even if her conscious mind sees a TINY BIT of the truth you speak, that will be gone in a few days when her mood shifts. To a BPDer, those new moods will be so intense that she will accept them as self-evident "facts." Hence, trying to establish a lasting impression with her is as futile as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. It will be washed away by the next tide of strong emotions flooding her mind.

 

But, granted, the intuitive child part of your mind likely would get some satisfaction from trying to hurt her feelings by sending her the "pretty nasty letter" you wrote last night. At issue, then, is whether your logical adult has sufficient control over your own childish feelings to prevent you from acting on those feelings, i.e., prevent you from trying to hurt the feelings of a 37-year-old woman having the emotional development of a four year old. I believe the logical part of your mind has PLENTY of control, because you are emotionally mature.

[todreaminblue]

Dont send the letter rip it up and move on with your life continue to write letters for your own peace of mind....get the negativity out all the anger the hurt feelings...and then put them in the trash where negative nasty letters need to go....deb

[ephemeralme]

Gosh I feel this....

sorry for your heartache!

 

 

I have a written letter ready to go too, but haven't sent it yet....not sure I will.

 

 

If I may suggest though, she doesn't sound like one who take your words to heart, take responsibility for her part and actually care about your opinion and feelings at this juncture.

 

 

stay.do/NC and if you MUST send the letter without ANY expectations except maybe more heartache, frustration or anger.

otherwise, take it and burn it.... cathartic...

[ToOldForThis]

Thank you all for your response. And yes she is BPD as is her mother (who married 7 times) I did forget that my words will not penetrate her delicate ego and allow them to sink in if she ever got past the first paragraph before deleting it. I am well aware that on so many levels this is a childish act on my part. Whether she reads it out loud to her new boyfriend or all her friends for that matter is of no consequence to me as I do not care about any of them nor will they ever be a part of my life. I will also never know what she does with it so how can that be upsetting to me. The letter is for me. To help me by choosing to do what feels right (at the time). I truly do not want a response from her at all. There is no turning back or wishing she will miss me and made a mistake. It solidifies the fact that I am no longer willing to pretend that her behavior was okay. It’s like screaming “ I have been in denial for 3.5 years and I am finally accepting that you are a train wreck and I had no boundaries with you.” And I am no longer willing to hold you in the light of what I thought was love but was more of a bad co-dependent addiction on my part.

[Twigyy]

Why would you bother writing a mail or even send her one. Basically you broke up with her, you told her not to contact you anymore, and you're still writing her a mail? You're just lying to yourself.

[ToOldForThis]

I broke up with her because I was becoming suffocated with her insecurities and all that surrounds that situation. I was becoming resentful and told her that in the break up. When she came back 3 weeks later, I told her the only way we could work this out was if we both got into therapy individually and as a couple. We did not have the tools to mend all the damage nor could we really grow without help. She agreed. I found a therapist and had 2 sessions. The therapist said she would not work with someone that had BPD. I never told the ex that, too hurtful. We left for our vacation a few days later so the ex never went to therapy. I really never wanted us to end, but rather the healthy part of me felt how hopeless it was to continue. I don’t care as much about her moving on with someone else, I expected that of her, she can’t be alone and grieve the loss of 3.5 years. And yes, if she had contacted me and been kind and said that although she still thinks about me and misses me, we both know that there is no future for us. Instead she took over the conversation and expressed all her anger/hurt then said and stay away. I feel like she basically like cheated me out of my closure and because I did want her back, I never expressed my anger and let her know that I truly know she has been so dishonest and I will never see her any other way except as a deceptive person. Right know she already knows I miss her and thing of her. She also thinks I have moved on since she has seem me with other women in town. They were all friends that she never met, but I know how it looked to her. She didn’t come out and say it but I know she was hurt by seeing me with other woman.

[joseb]

You can't get closure by anything you have to say to her.

The only closure for you is to forget her and move on.

[Cinnamonstix]

Letters never get interpreted the way you want them to.

 

Take the high road on this one. Silence is more powerful. Here is a great quote I came across the other day:

 

You are most powerful when you are most silent. People never expect silence. They expect words, motion, defense, offense, back and forth. They expect to leap into the fray. They are ready, fists up, words hanging leaping from their mouths. Silence? No.

[joseb]

Missed the part about BPD.

This is even more of a reason to forget about any closure - you will never get it from a BPD.

Writing the letter - for you - may be therapeutic.

But don't send it.

 

You sound like you might have picked up some 'fleas' from being with her -

if you haven't already, I's suggest signing up to Activity Stream - Shrink4Men Forum

[ToOldForThis]

Being silent does not feel powerful to me. Almost worse. She asked me to never contact her again. So it feels like not only do I not have closure but I am doing what she says. Bitter, for sure. Angry, you bet. Silent….I basically been that way for 2.5 months and it has given me no relief.

[joseb]

You will only get relief when she is no longer in your thoughts.

You need to do that. You will not get any relief from saying or doing anything to her. The only person who can give you relief is you.

 

If you want to look at it another way, contacting her will show her she still has power over you. The best way you can show her that she hasn't is to ignore her completely.

 

I know it's hard to drop the rope, but you will gain absolutely nothing from sending her this letter or contacting her.

 

Check out this link -

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/divorce-and-break-ups-there-is-no-closure-with-a-narcissistic-or-borderline-woman/

Here’s how you get closure from an emotionally abusive narcissistic and/or borderline woman: Get as far away from her as you can and then get on with your life. The best form of closure for you is living well and that means a life free of abuse, filled with love and happiness.

Edited April 30, 2015 by joseb

[Downtown]

Being silent does not feel powerful to me.

As I said above, TOFT, you are a man in his late thirties dealing with an adult woman having the emotional development of a four year old -- if she is a BPDer as you believe. This means she is handicapped by an emotional disorder that is so difficult to treat that most therapists -- including the one you saw twice -- won't even try. If having that enormous advantage over her doesn't make you "feel powerful," nothing will -- certainly not sending her a letter.

 

I not have closure but I am doing what she says.

A woman with the emotional development of a four year old is incapable of giving you "closure." I therefore suggest you give it to yourself, which is what other adults do when they are dealing with young children.

 

Bitter, for sure. Angry, you bet. Silent… I basically been that way for 2.5 months and it has given me no relief.

If you are trying to stay away from a BPDer, anger is your friend. It is a primitive ego defense that is essential to our survival. I therefore suggest you hold onto your anger -- for perhaps a year or so (not just 2.5 months) -- until you are out of danger of taking your exGF back. You should use the anger, like a crutch, to help you walk far away from this toxic relationship. When you are safely away, with no temptation to return, you should then -- and only then -- kick that crutch aside.

 

I say this because BPDer relationships alternate between such wonderful ecstatic highs and terrible lows that they can be as addictive as cocaine or heroine. Moreover, because BPDers exhibit the warmth and purity of expressions that otherwise are only seen in young children, it is extremely painful for us caregiver types to walk away from them. We feel like we are abandoning a sick young child -- even though, with a BPDer, we are actually doing her more harm than good. As long as we continue to live with her, we will continue to "enable" her bad behaviors and trigger her two fears (abandonment and engulfment).

 

The result is that, for caregiver type guys like you and me, it is very difficult for us to stay away from a BPDer who starts splitting us white again and wants to return. Our best chance of staying away is when we manage to hold onto the protective feeling of anger. Like I said, anger is your friend when you're trying to stay away from BPDers because they are so easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. If you're interested, TOFT, I discuss many of these BPDer issues in my posts in Rebel's Thread.

[Ruby65]

Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

So did two of the world's most heinous mothers -- Joan Crawford, who physically and mentally abused her children -- and Susan Smith, who murdered hers.

 

Borderlines are fakers and good actors. They're on par with Sociopaths and Narcissists -- none of the people in this cluster feel love or empathy like normal people do. They don't love their partners, they don't even love their own children.

 

Their emotions are shallow and change easily. They're superficial and only pretending to love the people who give them attention and otherwise meet their needs.

 

Consider yourself lucky to have gotten away from her before she trapped you into marriage.

[elaine567]

Keep writing the letters as that will likely be cathartic for you. Writing long hand with a pen on paper may be especially good, but then scrunch them up and bin or burn them or keep them in a little folder/drawer for future reference and interest maybe.

BUT

 

DO NOT ever send one word to her.

[ToOldForThis]

To late….I sent it.

 

I woke up at 4:00 AM so angry and just hit the send button. Off it went. I never fell back to sleep. I re-read my email a dozen times and each time I either had more to say or started feeling like **** for being so hurtful. Hurtful, because I was pointing out her part in our demise rather than always taking responsibility for both of us. She loved to blame me I always believed her. It just doesn’t feel good to hurt her after the fact. She was so dishonest on every level but always kept a dark cloud over me for a few things I did 3.5 years ago while we were just starting to date. She never let go of a few “White lies” I told to keep the peace. Even in the beginning I was already walking on eggshells. These were all pointed out in the letter. I am fairly certain she never made it past the second paragraph. Doesn’t matter now. I am still left to heal.

 

For the entire time we were together, I was completely faithful and had no interest in other woman. Yet she believed that every woman I knew or worked with was a threat and I must be pursuing them. Turns out it was a complete projection on her part. Fact is everything she accused me of was basically a projection.

 

So here I am, alone, depressed and now on meds and in therapy while she is off to Ireland with her new B.F. A trip that we had planed 3 days before our breakup. I know that getting emotionally healed and learning for all this is so much healthier than a rebound but it sure seems like a lot less pain and a lot more fun on her side of the street.

 

I am very aware that sending that letter was a complete waste of time. I am not waiting for a response nor do I ever expect one. It’s the last thing I want. I can’t remember the last time I behaved in such a childish way. I have tossed out my dignity, along with any pride I may have had. At least I did not beg to get her back. Our relationship was the most toxic I have ever been in. On again off again etc. She ended up being both emotionally and physically abusive and yet I stayed. Mostly (at least I thought) because she was the most dynamic woman I have ever been with. (An I have been with a lot) She was completely independent, and made serious money so she never needed anything from me. (I do quite well myself) so this was a nice change from always supporting girlfriends. She was also the funniest woman I have ever met. And of course beautiful, fit (marathon runner) and cultured, but also wasn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. I fell deeply for her. But very early on I saw warning signs of unacceptable behavior, which I ignored. I broke up with her in the first 6 months, but did not hold my ground. I would always miss her so much and then she would come back to me. She always came back. I myself feel like a Borderline in the way I acted. I am questioning my own behavior, lack of boundaries, abondement fears and testing I did. I am seeing all this core damage I have, that allowed me to stay with her. So codependent. SO addicted. That is the only way I can describe the intense feelings I had after the break ups. I needed my fix. So now is my time for self-awareness and huge personal growth but at the same time it feel hopeless that I am facing years of treatment, and will never be able to be with a healthy woman until I really grow from this. I feel so damaged, mostly because I have been choosing the same type of women my entire life and cannot ever repeat this habit again. The healthy woman I meet are always boring to me and tend to last 3-6 months tops.

 

I am trying to be strong right now but have no desire to socialize. I have no energy to put on my party face and have fun. I certainly do not want to date, but also feel very lonely and miss just being touched or waking up next to someone. I know this is partly my depression and hopeful the meds will get me out of this funk, but I have been here before and it can last a long time for me. I am fine being alone and have done so many times.

Still am struggling with reality of how the good part of my life was just a few months ago. I beat myself up as to how I could have done things differently and worked harder to do my part to communicate etc. But in the end, even if we had been married, I know in my heart and brain, it never would have lasted.

 

Thank you all for your advice, it was far more perceptive than the bad choice I made sending the letter.

Downtown, I do appreciate all the borderline info. I have read a lot already and it has helped. But I also started feeling that I need to take responsibility for my own issues. Blaming a borderline keeps me as a victim, although the incite does help me realize how I was blindsided and manipulated by such a master.

[Downtown]

Borderlines are fakers and good actors.

I agree, Ruby. Because a BPDer has only a fragile, weak sense of self, he has had to emulate other people's personalities all his life in order to fit in, be accepted, and be loved.

 

Their emotions are shallow and change easily.

Again, I agree. A BPDer's emotions are so intense and unstable that these feelings are sometimes described as "a mile wide and an inch deep." This is NOT to say, however, that the feelings are not real. Like small children, BPDers are too emotionally immature to tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings or ambiguities with regard to interpersonal relationships. Hence, a BPDer who deeply loves you may, for a few hours or weeks, be totally out of touch with those loving feelings. They are "split off," being put out of reach of her conscious mind.

 

They're on par with Sociopaths and Narcissists -- none of the people in this cluster feel love or empathy like normal people do. They don't love their partners, they don't even love their own children.

I disagree. My personal experience -- and my understanding of the DSM -- is that a person suffering only BPD is able to intensely love other people in the same way that young children can do so. Granted, it is not the mature form of love that is required to sustain long-term adult relationships. It nonetheless is love, albeit an immature form. If you doubt that, simply ask any mother whether she believes her four-year old truly loves her.

 

Likewise, BPDers are capable of experiencing periods of both cognitive and affective empathy. My BPDer exW, for example, was very empathetic much of the time. She was unable to sustain it, however, because she is emotionally unstable and quickly resorts to black-white thinking when under stress. The result is that it is common for BPDers to exhibit substantial affective empathy all day long -- in jobs such as nursing, teaching, and social work -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love them. That is, the instability causes the empathy to be switched off and on like a light switch.

 

In contrast, full-blown sociopaths and narcissists may have great cognitive empathy (which makes them all the better at manipulation) but have zero affective empathy. This means they may easily sense what it is you're thinking while having no clue as to what you're feeling.

 

None of this implies, however, that ALL BPDers are able to love and have affective empathy. A substantial portion of them suffer from co-occurring sociopathy or narcissism, which prevent them from having those abilities. Hence, the inability to love and experience affective empathy is a characteristic of those other two disorders, not BPD. This, at least, is my understanding, Ruby.

[Downtown]

I have been choosing the same type of women my entire life and cannot ever repeat this habit again. The healthy woman I meet are always boring to me and tend to last 3-6 months tops.

Yes, TOFT, that's the way it has been for me too. For excessive caregivers like us, our desire to be needed far exceeds our desire to be loved. Indeed, we have difficulty realizing that a woman deeply loves us if we aren't first convinced that she deeply NEEDS us. The result is that we walk right on past all the healthy, emotionally available women (BORING) until we find one who desperately needs us.

 

We can spot them across a crowded room because vulnerability -- which BPDers are masters at projecting -- is essentially "catnip" to us. What I've been trying to accomplish, then, is to be patient and tolerant in a relationship that doesn't start off with the fireworks and intense passion that are quickly offered by BPDers.

[OK_computer]

Hey..sometimes you just need to get that have load of emotions out, I can understand why you sent it. But usually after you do, it eats you up and you feel empty again because you don't get the response you want, or need to move on etc.

 

Just be sure that now you can move on permanently and dont feel a need to contact her again, because it can never happen.