lana-banana Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 You've got me. I don't have a lot of relationship (serious relationships at least) experience. Personally I am not thinking about finding a husband. All I want is a real relationship where two people really care about each other. Who knows what will come in the future? Marriage has never been my ultimate life goal but I do want to be with someone romantically in a relationship where we both care and love each other. This is just getting embarrassing to read. You do want more than what you're saying but because this guy won't change his standards, you're lowering yours. If it's any consolation, most young women do this once or twice in their lives before they learn their lesson. I was always under the assumption that players had sex and then left without wanting any sort of relationship. My bf ("bf"?) and I are still together and have been for quite a while longer than it takes to pump and dump. Players get what they want and keep it for as long as they can. What he wants is fun and romance; you provide him fun and romance. If he can get some on the side at the same time, so much the better. I don't know if he's cheating but you're doing all the work in this relationship. It doesn't sound like you go on real dates (going to bars with friends doesn't count) and his friends don't believe you're serious, yet you still put up with it and make it easy for him! All he has to do is just show up. No wonder he won't leave. He will string you along until he moves or you finally can't take it anymore. No neither of us have told each other I love you yet. How long does it take to fall in love with someone? It's never come quickly or easily to me. Or maybe I do love him and just don't know it. I really like him and care about him at least. If it took me an entire year to say (or hear) "I love you" I would know it's not the relationship for me. Most people in committed relationships use those words at around six to nine months of serious, steady dating. Given that this guy was cheating on you in the early months you may not really have been "together" for a year, though. I get the sense that you would have said "I love you" if he'd said it first. I don't doubt you aren't completely sure, as you are somewhat young, but it sounds like you're trying to play up your own insecurities to make his own lack of commitment seem more acceptable. His family members all reside out of state. He's told me about his family and said that his parents know about me which may or may not be true. He has met my family since they are local. Another asinine excuse. Most people's family members live out of state. And so what if his parents do know about you? What would they know other than "that girl who's occupying his time right now"? If he hasn't seen fit to introduce you it's because he doesn't want to.
Author aurorest Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 Players get what they want and keep it for as long as they can. What he wants is fun and romance; you provide him fun and romance. If he can get some on the side at the same time, so much the better. I don't know if he's cheating but you're doing all the work in this relationship. It doesn't sound like you go on real dates (going to bars with friends doesn't count) and his friends don't believe you're serious, yet you still put up with it and make it easy for him! All he has to do is just show up. No wonder he won't leave. He will string you along until he moves or you finally can't take it anymore. If it took me an entire year to say (or hear) "I love you" I would know it's not the relationship for me. Most people in committed relationships use those words at around six to nine months of serious, steady dating. Given that this guy was cheating on you in the early months you may not really have been "together" for a year, though. Now I'm getting really worried. Is it possible he's been using me to help start his business? I spend so many days (5-6) out of the week with him. Is that normal? We work on his stuff and then chill out and have dinners, watch movies, then have sex and go to sleep. He kisses me goodbye every morning. What constitutes a real date? We do go out to restaurants and the theater and stuff. And we even went on a weekend trip. Wouldn't a player prefer to dump me so he can pursue other women? And if a man is sleeping with others when you first start dating is he ever really all that into you? Sorry for all the questions! Hopefully someone has some answers because I'm very conflicted right now.
lana-banana Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Now I'm getting really worried. Is it possible he's been using me to help start his business? I spend so many days (5-6) out of the week with him. Is that normal? We work on his stuff and then chill out and have dinners, watch movies, then have sex and go to sleep. He kisses me goodbye every morning. What constitutes a real date? We do go out to restaurants and the theater and stuff. And we even went on a weekend trip. Only one weekend trip in almost a year of dating? That's pretty depressing. Yes, going out on the town counts as going on dates, but your initial post made it sound like you were always with his friends. I guess it's good you get some alone time. Wouldn't a player prefer to dump me so he can pursue other women? And if a man is sleeping with others when you first start dating is he ever really all that into you? Sorry for all the questions! Hopefully someone has some answers because I'm very conflicted right now. Honey, YOU have the answers. You don't need to be single to be a player. It doesn't matter how often you see him. He doesn't treat you like a serious girlfriend, his friends don't think he's serious about you, and he even told you he's just looking for fun right now. If he were "really all that into you" he wouldn't have blown off your questions that way. Please re-read Hunk's post on the second page. He may as well be your boyfriend. Read it over and over if you have to.
Author aurorest Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 Only one weekend trip in almost a year of dating? That's pretty depressing. Yes, going out on the town counts as going on dates, but your initial post made it sound like you were always with his friends. I guess it's good you get some alone time. Honey, YOU have the answers. You don't need to be single to be a player. It doesn't matter how often you see him. He doesn't treat you like a serious girlfriend, his friends don't think he's serious about you, and he even told you he's just looking for fun right now. If he were "really all that into you" he wouldn't have blown off your questions that way. Please re-read Hunk's post on the second page. He may as well be your boyfriend. Read it over and over if you have to. I guess the common consensus on here is that this is worse than a dead-end relationship, it's a one-sided relationship where I'm being used. My brain and my heart are still fighting it out and I don't want to leave him...but that may be the smart thing to do...Ugh I like him so much! And when we're together I can swear he feels the same way. The cuddles, the constant communication throughout the day (he even gets antsy if I don't respond to a text within an hour), the asking me to come over...
katiegrl Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 I guess the common consensus on here is that this is worse than a dead-end relationship, it's a one-sided relationship where I'm being used. My brain and my heart are still fighting it out and I don't want to leave him...but that may be the smart thing to do...Ugh I like him so much! And when we're together I can swear he feels the same way. The cuddles, the constant communication throughout the day (he even gets antsy if I don't respond to a text within an hour), the asking me to come over... My take is he is very into you, likes you, is attracted to you, enjoys spending time with you. But he may have (and probably does) have commitment issues, and his flirting, texting other women, etc is his way of keeping you at a safe distance (emotionally) so as not to become too emotionally attached to you. That behavior is actually quite typical of men with commitment issues. As for cheating, it's possible, but not likely given the amount of time you spend together. Jmo on that though, given everything you've posted. But issues surrounding commitment? Yes, definitely. Obviously. Could that change down the road? Probably not until something drastic happens like you break up with him...as Hunk discussed in his earlier post... Great post by Hunk BTW. For someone so young, he certainly is quite insightful!
Moy Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 He wants her to ditch the boyfriend and go out with him.... Wouldn't be the first time that's happened. Ah yes, the good old 'Saboteur disguised as a white knight' trick!
Author aurorest Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 As for cheating, it's possible, but not likely given the amount of time you spend together. Jmo on that though, given everything you've posted. But issues surrounding commitment? Yes, definitely. Obviously. Could that change down the road? Probably not until something drastic happens like you break up with him...as Hunk discussed in his earlier post... Yes, I was thinking cheating could be hard because we're together so much. And I have things lying around his place. But if he managed to sleep with multiple women when we were first together, maybe anything's possible... I don't know if he has commitment issues whether or not they'll change because he's had so many gfs in the past, many of whom broke up with him. If that didn't change him, what will? His relationships have never been longer than 6-12 months. Ah yes, the good old 'Saboteur disguised as a white knight' trick! Hahaha you all are confusing me! I don't THINK his friend has ulterior motives. I mean not enough to risk THEIR friendship...right? I feel like there's an angel and devil on each of my shoulders right now.
katiegrl Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Yes, I was thinking cheating could be hard because we're together so much. And I have things lying around his place. But if he managed to sleep with multiple women when we were first together, maybe anything's possible... I don't know if he has commitment issues whether or not they'll change because he's had so many gfs in the past, many of whom broke up with him. If that didn't change him, what will? **His relationships have never been longer than 6-12 months.** Hahaha you all are confusing me! I don't THINK his friend has ulterior motives. I mean not enough to risk THEIR friendship...right? I feel like there's an angel and devil on each of my shoulders right now. Him only being able to maintain relationships for six to twelve months is VERY indicative of someone with commitment issues! Clearly! And although his previous girlfriends broke up with him, you have no idea why. He may have wanted out, and forced their hand by being a douchebag, or worse, cheating! Obviously he has commitment issues, but that's the LEAST of your proble!ms.
Author aurorest Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 Him only being able to maintain relationships for six to twelve months is VERY indicative of someone with commitment issues! Clearly! And although his previous girlfriends broke up with him, you have no idea why. He may have wanted out, and forced their hand by being a douchebag, or worse, cheating! Obviously he has commitment issues, but that's the LEAST of your proble!ms. Question about men with commitment issues, wouldn't he be suffocated by all the time spend with me by now? With us spending so much time together. We are constantly cuddling, sometimes that's all we end up doing.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Question about men with commitment issues, wouldn't he be suffocated by all the time spend with me by now? With us spending so much time together. We are constantly cuddling, sometimes that's all we end up doing. Not necessarily, because physical intimacy doesn't always equal emotional intimacy, which is what commitment-phobes tend to fear most. They may still like the physical affection and fun activities, but they generally can't get beyond that to making a deeper connection and commitment to you. They often keep you at a "safe" distance by not really making future plans, not telling you they love you, not introducing you to important family members, and so on.
katiegrl Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Question about men with commitment issues, wouldn't he be suffocated by all the time spend with me by now? With us spending so much time together. We are constantly cuddling, sometimes that's all we end up doing. Possibly, which is precisely the reason he flirts and texts with other girls. To prevent himself from feeling emotionally suffocated. Why don't you read about it? There are tons of articles written about it on the internet. There are also books -- "He's Scared, She's Scared," is a great book. You should read it!
Author aurorest Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 Not necessarily, because physical intimacy doesn't always equal emotional intimacy, which is what commitment-phobes tend to fear most. They may still like the physical affection and fun activities, but they generally can't get beyond that to making a deeper connection and commitment to you. They often keep you at a "safe" distance by not really making future plans, not telling you they love you, not introducing you to important family members, and so on. That makes sense. My bf has told me he's introduced past girls to his family but it sounds like it was more due to convenience. Like he had her over for dinner with his family because she was also local. To note he was the one who wanted to meet my family within the first three months of us being in a relationship. Is that also possible for a commitment-phobe?
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