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A very CUTE guy has been flirting with me, but I'm not ready to date again - yet...

BlackOpsZombieGirl

By BlackOpsZombieGirl
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BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

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I find myself in a conundrum and am not sure what to do about it. Should I just release myself from this dating hiatus that I've placed myself in and just roll with things to see where it goes? Or should I just continue engaging in playful and flirtatious banter with this cute guy as just a person who is reciprocating friendly communication with another person?

 

Sometimes on the weekends, I go to the beachside and hang out at this one particular maui bar and grill to jam out to an awesome indie/pop/death metal band. And for the past three weeks, I've been running into this same guy that also goes there to jam out. I've gotta say...he's CUTE, tall and has THE most piercing gaze that I've seen in a LONG time!! Not only that, but whenever he smiles at me, I feel my face getting flushed and I just melt inside lol...I *know* all of that sounds CHEESY...:p..but, omg!:o

 

Most of the time, the band is performing, so it's VERY loud in the pavilion, and when he leans in close to me to tell me something, his aura INTOXICATES me. I love that he's not being overly flirtatious with me or trying to get too close to me to touch me. He respects my physical boundaries and never stares into my eyes or at my mouth (too obvious!) and when the lead singer of the band walks over to us so we can sing a verse with them, he leans in close to the microphone and we sing together! It's just SO much fun...and I have to admit, what makes it even more fun is when he's there when I get there or when he arrives later in the evening!

 

In conjunction with me wanting to take a break from dating, I've also had lingering feelings for my ex-bf, whom I've been in communication with for the past two months as friends only and as xbox multiplayers. But, this past weekend, as per our agreement as friends (and as a respectful and kind thing to do for each other if one of us met someone else), he has informed me that he has met a woman who he wants to pursue a relationship with...and, as sad and empty as I felt when I read his e-mail, I accepted it and wished him happiness and luck with this new person and with his life in general. I removed him as my friend on xbox and will go NC with him permanently.

 

*sigh*.... I guess I just want to know what some of you think about my situation, and what you would do if you were in my shoes. It's hard to let go of someone that I used to love...but, now that he has met someone else and is pursuing a relationship with her, I feel that now is the ideal time for me to work hard on allowing my love for him to fade...and to finally let him go, forever. Even though I like this new guy that I've been running into and am attracted to him, I'm also feeling empty...and a bit sad...I guess because a small part of me was holding on to the hope that things would end up working out between me and my ex-bf in the future. But now that I know that's not possible, I know that I have to forget him and let my feelings for him fade away. I know there's no easy way for a person to do this.

 

What I'd like to know from some of you is...how did you let go of someone you truly loved with all of your heart? What steps did you take to do this? How long did it take before your heart was free and clear of the person you loved?

 

 

 

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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Your balls are too big for this wishy-washyness hon. Just go grab the guy at the club and f*ck his brains out. :D

 

Or keep flirting w/him if u like the lingering tease.

 

Or jump in with both feet and lock him down as your man.

 

Point is, do something like that, don't wallow in the past. That'll just slowly suck ur soul out thru ur skin. Your prospects are too good to waste time being an emo loner introvert poetry writing cat lady. ;)

  • Like 5
pteromom Established Member

pteromom

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What I'd like to know from some of you is...how did you let go of someone you truly loved with all of your heart? What steps did you take to do this? How long did it take before your heart was free and clear of the person you loved?

 

You just fill your heart with other things. You will never be "free and clear". Every person I have ever loved will always be a part of me. BUT - over time, you quit thinking about them all the time, and the LONGING for them goes away. They turn into memories, both good and bad.

 

Just because you respond to this cute guy's flirtations doesn't mean you are back "in" as far as dating. Even if you agree to go out with him once or twice, that doesn't mean you have to sleep with him. Even if you sleep with him, that doesn't mean you automatically have a boyfriend.

 

I say go for it - just see what happens. Be open to whatever is coming next for you.

 

You are doing the right things - going out, flirting, singing, having fun. Keep doing that. If you keep your heart full, there is little room in there for the pain of loss of your ex.

  • Like 1
DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

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being an emo loner introvert poetry writing cat lady. ;)

 

Some of us are men =/

Gary S Established Member

Gary S

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It takes time, time is the great healer. Dating is also good therapy. If you really want to get over him faster, other things you can do are get rid of all his stuff and pics, and cut contact. It's a big enchilada to swallow, but it does work.

  • Like 2
TouchedByViolet Established Member

TouchedByViolet

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Based on the feelings you are describing sounds like you are ready to at least go on a first date. You can't predict the future but you can give it a chance. You already are clearly somewhat into the guy, have some fun.

Edited by TouchedByViolet
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BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

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Your balls are too big for this wishy-washyness hon. Just go grab the guy at the club and f*ck his brains out. :D

 

Or keep flirting w/him if u like the lingering tease.

 

Or jump in with both feet and lock him down as your man.

 

Point is, do something like that, don't wallow in the past. That'll just slowly suck ur soul out thru ur skin. Your prospects are too good to waste time being an emo loner introvert poetry writing cat lady. ;)

 

 

Hehe...you really know just what to say to snap me back into the reality of things, Jen! I know, I shouldn't dwell in the past...it's my heart that's slowing me down with moving on. I'll have to work on hardening my heart so it won't love so deeply or so much the next time - if there is even a next time. But, I don't write poetry and I don't own a cat (yet) lol

 

 

@Pteromom: Thanks for reminding me of that. Just because I engage in flirtatious banter with this guy or even go out on dates with him, that doesn't mean I'm committing myself to anything. I needed to hear that. I also realize that part of my ex-bf will always hold a special place in my heart forever. And yeah, I'm trying to 'keep my heart full' by having fun and meeting new people. It's been difficult, but it's something I have to force myself to do if I'm ever going to be able to completely move on with my life.

 

 

@Gary: I've already been in NC with him since Saturday, when he let me know what was happening in his life. I've gotten rid of just about every vid, pic and e-mail that I've had since our 5 year relationship when I broke up with him last year. But, there is one vid, 3 pics and a few e-mails that I still have, that I'm not ready to delete yet. I just can't. But, I think when I'm involved with someone new in the future, I'll be able to finally delete those few items that are left with peace in my heart. My problem is that I love too deeply; it's a HUGE flaw in my character that I have to really work on. I'm in the midst of re-training my heart to remain at a certain distance with ANYONE I end up with in the future. I'll NEVER let anyone completely into my heart ever again. It's THE only way to protect myself.

 

 

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BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

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Based on the feelings you are describing sounds like you are ready to at least go on a first date. You can't predict the future but you can give it a chance. You already are clearly somewhat into the guy, have some fun.

 

Thanks, Violet. I'm trying. I really am. That's why I'm wondering if I should end this dating hiatus that I've purposely placed myself in a few weeks ago and force myself (or rather, PUSH myself) to go back out into the world and once again make myself vulnerable to dating and interacting with other guys. My head says 'yes, go for it', but my heart is saying 'no, not yet...'

 

 

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  • Like 1
Gary S Established Member

Gary S

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Thanks, Violet. I'm trying. I really am. That's why I'm wondering if I should end this dating hiatus that I've purposely placed myself in a few weeks ago and force myself (or rather, PUSH myself) to go back out into the world and once again make myself vulnerable to dating and interacting with other guys. My head says 'yes, go for it', but my heart is saying 'no, not yet...'

 

 

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- Dating will help take your mind off you ex, even if you don't feel like it. Go for it sweetie!

  • Like 2
SmartDude Established Member

SmartDude

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Life does not care about the rules you make for yourself!

 

Just think, You could officially open up yourself to date again in a few months, and find that there is no one you would want to even date. Or you could take a chance now because an opportunity is presenting itself.

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BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

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Life does not care about the rules you make for yourself!

 

Just think, You could officially open up yourself to date again in a few months, and find that there is no one you would want to even date. Or you could take a chance now because an opportunity is presenting itself.

 

You're right. I just didn't want to force myself to do it. I wanted my soul to be at a place where it was READY to open myself up to dating again. But, like you said, if I wait too long or don't take advantage of a possible opportunity that's right in front of me, I might be missing out on something - even if it turns out to be nothing.

 

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have a heart. I wish I could be cold like a lot of people out there are. But deep down, I don't really want to be like that. I just say that because I think it would make things a lot easier for me with regard to getting back into dating again.

 

 

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jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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Life does not care about the rules you make for yourself!

 

^ They don't call him Smart Dude for nothing. ;)

 

I'm tempted to preach a sermon to you about loving big and losing big baby but I think you actually already know. You're trying to be tough with the hardened heart stuff but it actually takes more courage to open it. :)

  • Like 1
joseb Established Member

joseb

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You're right. I just didn't want to force myself to do it. I wanted my soul to be at a place where it was READY to open myself up to dating again. But, like you said, if I wait too long or don't take advantage of a possible opportunity that's right in front of me, I might be missing out on something - even if it turns out to be nothing.

 

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If you have to force yourself to do it, then I don't think you are ready.

I disagree with the idea of forcing ourselves back into dating as a way to forget.

It's a recipe for another bad relationship, in my opinion (and speaking from personal experience)

 

However, from the way you describe things, it sounds like you are enjoying the flirtation and maybe you feel like putting your toe in the dating water a little.

Go for it, have a little harmless fun, and if it starts to fell uncomfortable pull back.

 

Regarding your pics and emails, it can be hard to get rid of stuff, but really it would be better if you did. Maybe for now archive them off somewhere onto a usb stick, and put them away out of sight until you are ready. Then smash the stick (this is assuming you still look at them - if you are not, then continue to do that!)

Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

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^ They don't call him Smart Dude for nothing. ;)

 

I'm tempted to preach a sermon to you about loving big and losing big baby but I think you actually already know. You're trying to be tough with the hardened heart stuff but it actually takes more courage to open it. :)

 

Exactly this - if you want to love fully you absolutely need to accept that you might get hurt fully. Like completely demolished.

 

And that you'll survive to love another day if it does go wrong...

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BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

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If you have to force yourself to do it, then I don't think you are ready.

I disagree with the idea of forcing ourselves back into dating as a way to forget.

It's a recipe for another bad relationship, in my opinion (and speaking from personal experience)

 

However, from the way you describe things, it sounds like you are enjoying the flirtation and maybe you feel like putting your toe in the dating water a little.

Go for it, have a little harmless fun, and if it starts to fell uncomfortable pull back.

 

Regarding your pics and emails, it can be hard to get rid of stuff, but really it would be better if you did. Maybe for now archive them off somewhere onto a usb stick, and put them away out of sight until you are ready. Then smash the stick (this is assuming you still look at them - if you are not, then continue to do that!)

 

Yes, that's how I felt too - I didn't want to force myself into dating and communicating with other guys again, that's why I changed it from 'forcing' myself to 'pushing' myself, it doesn't sound as harsh or as severe. But, as another member has said, I don't have to commit myself to anyone or to anything if I just try to have a little fun and talk to people. And, like you just said, if I feel (or if the situation feels) uncomfortable, then I will pull back. So, that's what I'm going to try to do with this guy (and with any other guy who I happen to meet). I haven't looked at the vid or the pics nor have I read any of his recent e-mails in a while, but I know where they're stored. I'm just going to keep them where they are and continue on with my life as I have been. I'll know (and feel) when it's the right time to delete them.

 

 

 

@Weezy: Yes...as Jen has stated, I do know this and realize it. But, it's easy to say - until your heart is the one that feels sad, empty and heartbroken. And, each time it happens, it makes the person who owns that heart reluctant to 'fully love' someone else in the future, for fear of that very risk happening again. However, you are absolutely right though - and I realize that this is the risk of loving someone, anyone. The alternative of not taking that risk would mean a somewhat lonely life and possible missed opportunities of happiness.

 

 

@Jen: Yep, it definitely takes more courage to open my heart than to keep it closed. Not feeling very courageous atm lol, so I'll just maintain a happy medium of keeping my heart guarded instead of leaving it completely open or closed.

 

 

 

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Justanaverageguy Established Member

Justanaverageguy

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You're right. I just didn't want to force myself to do it. I wanted my soul to be at a place where it was READY to open myself up to dating again. But, like you said, if I wait too long or don't take advantage of a possible opportunity that's right in front of me, I might be missing out on something - even if it turns out to be nothing.

 

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No matter how long you wait .... the first time you start dating after a LTR will always feel that way. Always. Part of the letting go process is moving on to something new. In 2 months time if you still haven't been on a date - you are still going to be holding onto those same feelings.

 

You only stop looking back at the old when you have something new to look forward to ;)

  • Like 1
Omei Established Member

Omei

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My heart can never be free of who I used to love thats why I dont befriend my exs it wasn't your best idea to be friends with your ex right up until he gets a new girl of course that's going to deeply sadden you.

 

Go after this new guy, in your first paragraph you hardcore girl crush on him you like him dont wait for things to change go change them go have fun with this new hot guy.

 

You say your head is saying yes but your heart is saying no, dont close your heart listen to your head instead its more reasonable and logical than your heart. . . In my experience anyway lol

Edited by Omei
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Methodical Established Member

Methodical

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I'll just maintain a happy medium of keeping my heart guarded instead of leaving it completely open or closed.

 

FWIW, I think you are on the right track with this train of thought. Absolutely go out and enjoy HOT DUDE. Standing still and perpetually spinning your wheels isn't going to help you move forward. You're aware that this isn't the right time to enter into a relationship. But, this is the right time to explore your options, especially given that you are noticing how cute and piercing his gaze is and that his aura is intoxicating. No need to commit, just enjoy! :D Baby steps...

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BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

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My heart can never be free of who I used to love thats why I dont befriend my exs it wasn't your best idea to be friends with your ex right up until he gets a new girl of course that's going to deeply sadden you.

 

Go after this new guy, in your first paragraph you hardcore girl crush on him you like him dont wait for things to change go change them go have fun with this new hot guy.

 

You say your head is saying yes but your heart is saying no, dont close your heart listen to your head instead its more reasonable and logical than your heart. . . In my experience anyway lol

 

Well, we had only been friends for a couple of months online via xbox and through phone calls and texts. I had no idea that he would find someone new this quickly; if I had thought about it in that context, I would've kept the NC in place. But, I see what you're saying though. ;) And yeah, usually a person's head is more logical than their heart lol, but it's their heart that has to make the final decision as to whether they should let in a new person or to keep them out.

 

 

@Average: Yes, I agree. The last sentence of your post hit it home for me. I needed to see that this morning. :)

 

 

@Methodical: Thank you SO much for this! This is something else that I needed to see today; it's encouraging me to keep moving forward, and that's exactly what I'm going to do.:cool:

 

 

Thanks to EVERYONE who has posted here in my thread. Reading all of these responses (some I've read twice) has really made me see what the right thing to do (and feel) is. All of you have really lifted me up and have encouraged me to go ahead and have a little fun interacting with this cute guy without letting my past feelings and fear of getting hurt again get in the way of my progress to heal my heart. :)

 

 

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  • Like 2
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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I find myself in a conundrum and am not sure what to do about it. Should I just release myself from this dating hiatus that I've placed myself in and just roll with things to see where it goes? Or should I just continue engaging in playful and flirtatious banter with this cute guy as just a person who is reciprocating friendly communication with another person?

 

Sometimes on the weekends, I go to the beachside and hang out at this one particular maui bar and grill to jam out to an awesome indie/pop/death metal band. And for the past three weeks, I've been running into this same guy that also goes there to jam out. I've gotta say...he's CUTE, tall and has THE most piercing gaze that I've seen in a LONG time!! Not only that, but whenever he smiles at me, I feel my face getting flushed and I just melt inside lol...I *know* all of that sounds CHEESY...:p..but, omg!:o

 

Most of the time, the band is performing, so it's VERY loud in the pavilion, and when he leans in close to me to tell me something, his aura INTOXICATES me. I love that he's not being overly flirtatious with me or trying to get too close to me to touch me. He respects my physical boundaries and never stares into my eyes or at my mouth (too obvious!) and when the lead singer of the band walks over to us so we can sing a verse with them, he leans in close to the microphone and we sing together! It's just SO much fun...and I have to admit, what makes it even more fun is when he's there when I get there or when he arrives later in the evening!

 

In conjunction with me wanting to take a break from dating, I've also had lingering feelings for my ex-bf, whom I've been in communication with for the past two months as friends only and as xbox multiplayers. But, this past weekend, as per our agreement as friends (and as a respectful and kind thing to do for each other if one of us met someone else), he has informed me that he has met a woman who he wants to pursue a relationship with...and, as sad and empty as I felt when I read his e-mail, I accepted it and wished him happiness and luck with this new person and with his life in general. I removed him as my friend on xbox and will go NC with him permanently.

 

*sigh*.... I guess I just want to know what some of you think about my situation, and what you would do if you were in my shoes. It's hard to let go of someone that I used to love...but, now that he has met someone else and is pursuing a relationship with her, I feel that now is the ideal time for me to work hard on allowing my love for him to fade...and to finally let him go, forever. Even though I like this new guy that I've been running into and am attracted to him, I'm also feeling empty...and a bit sad...I guess because a small part of me was holding on to the hope that things would end up working out between me and my ex-bf in the future. But now that I know that's not possible, I know that I have to forget him and let my feelings for him fade away. I know there's no easy way for a person to do this.

 

What I'd like to know from some of you is...how did you let go of someone you truly loved with all of your heart? What steps did you take to do this? How long did it take before your heart was free and clear of the person you loved?

 

 

 

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It's a grieving process like a death really. You need to allow yourself to process all the emotions involved. But do it in bits. Set aside a period of time each day or weekly, whatever, and sit with those feelings for 15 minutes or half and hour. At the end of the time, you pull yourself together and go do something you enjoy. Keep busy. Go out with friends and family. Do things you used to enjoy and maybe kinda dropped because you were in the relationship. Focus on you.

 

I don't recommend dating while you are still at this point. It will cloud your judgement and not allow you to see the real person you may be dating because you'll be projecting things from the previous relationship.

 

Give yourself some time. It's different for everyone. When you find that you are not thinking about the person on a daily basis anymore, you're likely ready to try dating.

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BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

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It's a grieving process like a death really. You need to allow yourself to process all the emotions involved. But do it in bits. Set aside a period of time each day or weekly, whatever, and sit with those feelings for 15 minutes or half and hour. At the end of the time, you pull yourself together and go do something you enjoy. Keep busy. Go out with friends and family. Do things you used to enjoy and maybe kinda dropped because you were in the relationship. Focus on you.

 

I've actually been doing the things you've mentioned in this portion of your post. And, it's helped me out a lot in terms of accepting (and grieving) over the loss of any potential/future possibility of being with him ever again.

 

 

I don't recommend dating while you are still at this point. It will cloud your judgement and not allow you to see the real person you may be dating because you'll be projecting things from the previous relationship.

 

Give yourself some time. It's different for everyone. When you find that you are not thinking about the person on a daily basis anymore, you're likely ready to try dating.

 

Yeah, that's why I'm only considering having fun with communicating and interacting with guys that approach me at this point. I'm just going to take a relaxed and easy-breezy attitude with regard to talking with any guy(s) who come up to me and start conversing with me. I'm just going to have fun meeting new people and spending time with them while I'm out and about without ANY expectations. And yes, you're right - when I'm not thinking about my ex-bf so much anymore and I can just remember him as someone I used to know and am happy with my life overall, it'll be at THAT point that I think I'll be ready to date again and fully devote my time and attention to any guy that I decide to date.

 

 

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  • Like 1
Syberia Established Member

Syberia

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You never know what's going to happen until it happens. Maybe this will be the guy to get your ex off your mind. Maybe it won't. What exactly do you have to lose?

mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

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Honey, GO FOR IT. I am sick and tired of people saying that they don't want to date because they have been hurt by so-and-so and that person could have been YEARS in the past. Know why? Because you will never know unless you TRY and TRY and TRY again. You will miss 100% of the shots you never take. Fact. Don't let this pass you by unless he is a total monster physically or emotionally.

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BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

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Honey, GO FOR IT. I am sick and tired of people saying that they don't want to date because they have been hurt by so-and-so and that person could have been YEARS in the past. Know why? Because you will never know unless you TRY and TRY and TRY again. You will miss 100% of the shots you never take. Fact. Don't let this pass you by unless he is a total monster physically or emotionally.

 

Yes Orchid, you're right - I'll never know who I might meet who could be a potential match for me unless I try (and try again). Memories are hard to erase though...which is what brings me to Syberia's post when he said, "Maybe this will be the guy to get your ex off your mind. Maybe it won't..."

 

@Syberia: Exactly; I've got nothing to lose....and possible things to gain by taking a chance and putting myself out there, even if it's just to meet people without the expectation of anything more developing from it. ;)

 

 

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