danni_weston Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Keep this all brief (if I can). GF cheated on me at begining of relationship, confessed and we sorted. I discovered that the idea of having a 3rd person occassionally was a massive turn on a discussed - basically got called a sicko. Since I found out various bits although she wasnt cheating, but been a pain (posted for advice in dating actually). I ended up discussing and talking about the situation and she admitted idea of arranging a third person doesnt suit her, thinks its 'cringy' and that the only time it would happen is if she cheated (which i would never allow). So, since then; bedroom interaction non-existence; each time i try and instigate anything is a big no. I then feel like an arse, as I think me openly discussing my fantasy was the start of our problem. Now we are in limbo, she says she still loves me and only wants to be with me;but i think this has put a massive wedge between us. I want to fix it, but to be honest im not sure how. Because she has turned me down so many times i feel like i cant instigate things anymore. If me discussing my fantasy has turned her off, again not sure how to fix as I made it clear i wasnt saying we HAD to, but explained why/how i felt. Is all making me very depressed now and effecting work/drinkings/sleep etc... any advice would be really appreciated. I never bring up i'm the only source of money etc into house as i dont want her to feel bad, but i work 40+ hours a week, do all the housework, cooking, cleaning - she basically looks after our young bab and then i come back feeling unloved and like ****. bit of advice for anyone thinking of sharing fantasy i guess now out of experience - dont!
oldshirt Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I read your other thread about your GF cheating on you with a couple different dudes in the beginning of your R and then screwing some other dude behind your back a month ago. I'll put this very bluntly and matter-of-factly, your GF has no respect for you and no attraction for you. You are simply a paycheck, housekeeper and babysitter to her. On a subconscious level she sees you as weak and spineless and women don't respect men they see as weak and they can not desire men that they do not respect. Real men become enraged and disgusted and law down the law when their partner dilly-dallies around behind their back. Men that have their $hit together and are able attract other women and live without their cheating partner will dump them and move on. I have the feeling when you found out about her cheating on you, you rubbed her feet and bought her flowers and asked her what you could do to be a better BF to her and how you can appears her and cater to her more. Her subconscious mind sees that as weakness and caused a big loss of respect and admiration. On a subconscious level, women also see male mate-guarding as a sign of strength and a sign that the man values her and wants to keep other men away from her. When you not only catered to her after cheating on you, but you then started saying that the idea of her doing other guys turned you on, she saw you as even more weak and that you valued her even less. She has no sexual attraction or desire or respect for you. She is attracted to more masculine and assertive men at the bar though and will likely continue to keep denying and rejecting you while screwing other men. Eventually one of those men will offer to take her on full time and she will leave you in a matter of days. You have a few basic options here - - be proactive and see a lawyer about child custody and child support issues etc and break up with her. - try to man-up and become more masculine and take on a more masculine role and character in your lives and draw very rigid boundaries and enforce them without compromise and hope that in time you can gain some of her respect and desire. It can be done and some people have managed to do it, but you are waaaay behind the eight ball her and it will take a ton of work and a lot of change and metamorphosis on your part and there will still be no guarantee that she will develop any feelings for you. - the last option is you continue to support her and help be her nanny to help her with childcare and put a roof over her head as her errand boy and babysitter while she goes out and screws other men while she continues to deny and reject you at home. Those are really your only options - - Leave -Change -Live with it. 6
redtail Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Those are really your only options - - Leave -Change -Live with it. Truth. In my opinion, it's time for you to move on.
Soxfaninfl Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) All it would take for me to leave my wife if she cheated on me is once. That's it! Why be with someone that doesn't respect you and will mess around on you when things get tough. I used to think differently when I was married to my first wife becuase I had a son with with her, but F%$# that way of thinking! Life is to short to be with someone that you can never trust again. You need to move on. You deserve better and someone that won't cheat on you even when things get tough. Edited April 29, 2015 by Soxfaninfl
Author danni_weston Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 Im hearing the feedback, my only points; - my last relationship i cheated and my personal opinion has been and always will be humans arent meant to be with one partner forever, the only thing that annoys me is the deception. - she knows full well about the respect etc, as im a bit of a brute, however she does know i have a soft spot for her and where other people would get a serious slap she gets away with murder. im reading you all.....think its pretty clear. really do think m / f brains must be wired up differently or something
oldshirt Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 she does know i have a soft spot for her and where other people would get a serious slap she gets away with murder. This has been your downfall with her. This is what has allowed her to walk all over you. remember we are talking about deep, instinctual, subconscious drives here, not logic. You can be an all American linebacker and UFC world champion all rolled into one and be able to kick every guy's ass on the planet, but if you let her get away with mistreating you and disrespecting her, she will see you as a weak, spineless, pussy and she won't be able to respect you or desire you. It is admittedly a bit counterintuitive and it's something that a lot of men have a hard time grasping, but women don't respect (and hence cannot desire) men that they are able to BS, mistreat, manipulate, disrespect or walk on. Guys think they are doing the right thing by giving them leeway and deference and being nice to them, but it invariably causes them to lose respect. A guy may be able to beat up 3 other guys in a back alley, but in his wife's/GF's subconscious mind, if she is able to mistreat him or manipulate him, then he is a pussy that anyone can mistreat and manipulate. It doesn't matter how many 260lb fullbacks or MMA fighters a guy can whup, if a 110lb female can make a fool out of him, he's a pussy. 1
oldshirt Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Im hearing the feedback, my only points; - my last relationship i cheated and my personal opinion has been and always will be humans arent meant to be with one partner forever, the only thing that annoys me is the deception. I'm a swinger and have had lots of groups sex, 3somes, 4somes etc so I do understand that life outlook and tend to have similar beliefs in general. It's still all about strength and boundaries and drawing a line in the sand and taking a hardline about crossing them. Your GF has been a chronic cheater and you have done nothing about it and she has suffered no consequences due to her actions. In fact I am willing to bet she has got even more footrubs and flowers and chocolates and promises of better housework and childcare in the aftermath of her cheatings than she was getting before. That's weakness and impotence even if you do have some kind of new age, flower child mentality about the hopelessness of monogamy. It takes a lot of strength and brass balls and solid boundaries to live a life of monogamy with a partner. It takes a lot more to live a life of nonmonogamy with a partner. Monogamists will basically have one rule in regards to sex with others - DONT!! Swingers will have dozens and dozen of rules and boundaries and limits etc in order to make their relationship work. You haven't even been able to enforce and stand up for the one rule of monogamy. How do you expect her to respect you and follow the dozens of rules that will need to be in place in order for an open relationship to work?????? Open relationships can work, but they have to come from a place of mutual respect and strength and compassion for each other and they have to come from a place of preexisting good sex and passion and attraction for each other. And they also have to have extraordinary levels of trust and communication and willingness to follow the rules in the face of extreme temptation. You two have none of those things. You don't have a foundation. At this point I don't know if your relationship can be salvaged or even should be salvaged. I do know this though, if it can be salvaged it will take a ton of work and probably a lot of professional counseling and therapy. It may likely need to be torn down to the floorboards and built back up from scratch. It will be up to both of you to determine if you even want to undertake that challenge or not. It will take the commitment of both of you to do it, not just one of you. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 If you don't want to end this without trying, you have to get her to talk to you. Get her to explain whether you sharing your fantasy grossed her out so much that she lost all desire for. Ask her why she isn't having sex with you & whether she's willing to change. If she won't change or promises to & doesn't you don't really have a lot of choices left do you?
jen1447 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 OP, do you mean you like the idea of threesomes or you like the idea of her having other lovers? I have the feeling when you found out about her cheating on you, you rubbed her feet and bought her flowers and asked her what you could do to be a better BF to her and how you can appears her and cater to her more. That was hilarious.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 - my last relationship i cheated and my personal opinion has been and always will be humans arent meant to be with one partner forever, the only thing that annoys me is the deception. So having been cheated on 3 times, how annoyed are you? What boundaries would she have to cross to be a dealbreaker for you? Mr. Lucky
sandylee1 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Some men and women are serial cheaters and will just never stop. I think your GF is one of these. With the cheating discoveries What consequences did she face? How remorseful was she? Why do you do ALL the housework? You're being treated like a doormat and you're allowing it. If my brother was treated like this, I'd advise him to drop the gf pronto. She's using you and if the fact that you love her, is your reason for not taking action, then prepare yourself for further heartache. Think about it, if I knew I could get away with certain behaviour, like not paying taxes, I would do so. Consequences are what prevents that. 1
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