clarasacco Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Actually, I've put myself in this terrbile pickle. My last post inquired about me choosing between two men. Welp, I've postponed making a decision because I'm terrible at this and my situation has gotten worse.... **Side note** Living with Guy A in an apartment. He just bought a house and gave me no time to decide so i panicked and said yes. He knows my doubts and concerns about us and the house. Guy B just wants to try and date again and rekindle a really great love. Positives of Guy A: Stable, financially sound, emotionally supportive (at times), patient with my daughter, very reliable, and seems to love me very much. Negatives of Guy A: The chemistry is not there, the sex is null, hes controling in every situation (if it doesn't go his way, he acts like a disappointed kid), he seems almost embarassed of my goofiness, and we have nothing in common aside from general values and food taste. Positives of Guy B: So much chemistry, we've made it through some crazy stuff and still were in love, a lot of things in common including future plans, and he makes me laugh and feel safe. Negatives of Guy B: Crawling out of debt (hopefully out in two months), has ambition but not the motivation at times, has been verbally terrible to me in the past (things I did that I shouldn't have, but my therapist says its no excuse to be abusive like that), and has anger issues. I'm not perfect. I'm not expecting them to be. But I'm doing something awful by leaving them both hanging without an answer in sight. The idea of moving into a house with Guy A is so finite and he doesn't get it. He says "Its just a nicer apartment and your name wont be on the mortgage". But my gut is still in knots of the idea because I don't know if hes who I want. Guy B seems great for me because he has been in the past, but there are a lot of biased people out there who think we're terrible for eachother because he throws up a lot of red flags and i've lied to him in the past because I'm afraid of making him angry... People told me in my last post to pick neither. My problem is that in the past, I've gotten myself into bad situations because I've become emotioanlly invested and so has the other person and I end up being too afraid to hurt them and to make the wrong choice that I just prolong the inevitable. What would you do if you were me and how would you go about fixing this?
frigginlost Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 You should not be with either of them until your head is screwed on straight. But... Since you are not going to go that route, "B" is the guy. Why? You can't "F" with chemistry. Connections no matter how "screwed up" to anyone else simply can only broken by one of the two people involved. You're not at that point with him and he will always be on your mind. You won't be able to bury it, so don't try. You need to be alone right now, honestly... 4
Author clarasacco Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 I completely agree that I should be by myself. Thats what is making this so hard. I have a history of being unable to do this because I don't want to hurt anyone or make the wrong choice. Then I end up dragging things out that should've ended a long time ago. I guess I'm looking for insight on how to grow lady balls and just end it with both so I can be on my own.
frigginlost Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I completely agree that I should be by myself. Thats what is making this so hard. I have a history of being unable to do this because I don't want to hurt anyone or make the wrong choice. Then I end up dragging things out that should've ended a long time ago. I guess I'm looking for insight on how to grow lady balls and just end it with both so I can be on my own. You tell them both, that right now you come first, and you need to go to work on yourself. As a guy, it would hurt like hell to hear it, but I would respect you for it. Then, you take a step back and think only about yourself for a while. You have your whole life to understand what it is you want out of it. Nobody can fault you for doing what you think is best *for you*. There is no wrong decision when it comes to you becoming a better person for yourself. 1
central Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Neither are good choices, but especially A. Since you can't choose, I would say that you shouldn't choose either of these, but start over dating new people.
PegNosePete Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I have a history of being unable to do this because I don't want to hurt anyone or make the wrong choice. It's easy, only date 1 at once. Problem solved.
Author clarasacco Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 Nobody can fault you for doing what you think is best *for you*. There is no wrong decision when it comes to you becoming a better person for yourself. Guy A will fault me for leaving him with a house all alone even though I've voiced my concerns mutliple times. He still believes he did this for "us" when I never asked for it. Guy B will probably just make me feel horrible and verbally bash me out of hurt and sadness. *Enter fear of hurting people and letting them down. I have bad anxiety and guilt issues.
bubbaganoosh Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 One other thing about these guys. Their both stupid for waiting for you. If they can see that your not giving them 100% then it's their fault.
frigginlost Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Guy A will fault me for leaving him with a house all alone even though I've voiced my concerns mutliple times. He still believes he did this for "us" when I never asked for it. Guy B will probably just make me feel horrible and verbally bash me out of hurt and sadness. *Enter fear of hurting people and letting them down. I have bad anxiety and guilt issues. Guy B -- If he knows your doubts and concerns, how is that your fault? Because you said yes? If he was blind to you not being 100% well then, this is a pretty good life lesson for him (as well as you, btw). What's worse for both of you: The pain of a break up now, or living a lie for years and having the pain of a breakup being 10 fold what it would be right now? Guy A -- Sounds like he is all about emotions. He'll get over it. He might even realize that he needs to take a long hard look at himself. If he does not, it's not your problem. The only way you are going to fix your issues with you, is by going to work on yourself, by yourself. There is nothing wrong with that...
Diezel Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Guy A will fault me for leaving him with a house all alone even though I've voiced my concerns mutliple times. He still believes he did this for "us" when I never asked for it. You didn't ask for it, but you certainly went along with it. Take some responsibility for your own actions, he didn't force you into this.
elaine567 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Some choice here. Guy A - Control freak who acts like a spoiled kid if doesn't get his own way - run Guy B - Verbally Abusive with anger issues - run Problem solved. Find a man that doesn't have those issues, you are surely better than this. 2
Author clarasacco Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 I know I put myself in this position. I've got terrible guilt over it and its making my ED worse due to anxiety.
ZiggyZoo Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 This is a tough situation. I was in it myself, many years ago. Broke up with fun guy. Started seeing older, responsible not-as-fun guy. Just before moving in with responsible guy, I got cold feet and postponed move for three months (time I had left on my lease anyway). I was supposed to be figuring it out, but started seeing fun guy again, not as seriously. The upshot? I had a child too, and went with responsible guy. It turned out to be a terroble mistake, he ended up being very controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive. Plus we were so different and the chemistry just wasn't there. Plus I always wondered "what if" with fun guy. My advice? Pick neither. Be single for a little while and figure out what you really want. And I'll bet you'll meet someone who meets your needs better than either of these guys. If your gut isn't giving you a clear answer, then that's your answer. Good luck! 1
Itspointless Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Seriously? You should be with neither of them. All the rest are excuses, hurt is inescapable.
Chi townD Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Wait...wait...do these guys even know about each other?
Author clarasacco Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 They do. I've distanced myself from both in order to figure things out.
Chi townD Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) Wow, here you are saying that you feel guilty about hurting anyone, but THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW! You are torturing them with your indecisiveness. I'm shocked that either one of them wants anything to do with you and I'm sorry to be blunt about that. Both of them deserves a girl that wants to be with them because there's no other place in the world that she would rather be! You made a list of the pro's and con's of these two guys and that was a bullsh*t list because I read it differently. You want Guy A because he is safe and secure and can be a good provider. He sets his goals and achieves them. But the sex isn't that great and he's a bit boring. But! You have Guy B which is full of excitement and the sex is great and he's fun! But, he can't even take care of himself let alone you or your daughter. And he has a bad temper that will more than like get worse. He may have a rep of being a bad boy. But here's the rub, if he's known to be a bad boy and carries the rep. Logic would dictate that sooner or later, he going to treat you BADLY! He has no motivation and is skating through life. Well, you have the best of both worlds and that's why you don't want to give either of them up. If you combine the two you get your ideal mate! You have Guy A who is your safety and security. Your rock to lean on and probably fulfills you emotional needs. And if you stay with him, you have that security and no uncertainty. But he's boring and sex isn't great with him. Then, you have Guy B that's the fun guy! He's full of excitement and is great in the sack. Thus, meeting all your physical needs. But there's no safety and security with him. His future is uncertain and that's not something you want to hang your hat on. But, if you combine the two. It's a perfect set up! But how is that fair to them? How is it fair for you to string both of them along? You need to cut the both of them loose and let them find a girl that's going to make them happy and then you need to work on yourself and find what's going to make YOU happy. Edited April 29, 2015 by Chi townD 1
Diezel Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 They do. I've distanced myself from both in order to figure things out. So you are living with someone and distancing at the same time?
Author clarasacco Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 So you are living with someone and distancing at the same time? Currently no. I moved back with my mom in order to figure things out.
Diezel Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Currently no. I moved back with my mom in order to figure things out. Then use this time to let them both know that you should be single. But you probably won't, because anxiety. Which is something that is going to happen anyway, eventually. You can't just distance yourself and HOPE that they do the dirty work for you when they get sick of waiting around for you. 1
Author clarasacco Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 Wow, here you are saying that you feel guilty about hurting anyone, but THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW! You are torturing them with your indecisiveness. I'm shocked that either one of them wants anything to do with you and I'm sorry to be blunt about that. Both of them deserves a girl that wants to be with them because there's no other place in the world that she would rather be! You made a list of the pro's and con's of these two guys and that was a bullsh*t list because I read it differently. I appreciate your bluntness. I'm not trying to hurt anyone and they both know where I am right now. But they also have CHOSEN to stick around and wait for my decision. I'm not forcing them to do anything either. So thats on them. I'm in agreement that I should just let them both go. If you refer back to my first response to the second post, I was asking for advice on how to let them both go gently. Things to say and such. I'm not the type of girl to say "Its over" and walk away. I know I should be, but I've never been that way. Judge as you, wish but everyone has their issues. I'm just trying to find some clarity on how to ease ending things with both. 1
pteromom Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Guy A:hes controling in every situation (if it doesn't go his way, he acts like a disappointed kid), he seems almost embarassed of my goofiness, and we have nothing in common aside from general values and food taste. Guy B: has been verbally terrible to me in the past (things I did that I shouldn't have, but my therapist says its no excuse to be abusive like that), and has anger issues. NEITHER! Neither one of these guys treat you with respect and acceptance, so their other good qualities really don't matter. Move on and find Guy C, who will laugh with you at your goofiness and treat you kindly.
TunaCat Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 You have a daughter. She needs to come first no matter how you are feeling about these guys. Let's be honest here, neither of these guys are a catch. Guy A is controlling & guy B is verbally abusive. You don't want that around your child. What would you say to your daughter if she came to you asking if she should date either of these two guys? Break up with both of them and enjoy being single. 2
pteromom Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 ...especially since you have a daughter, who is going to see your relationship as a guide for what her future relationships should be. Do you want HER with someone who is pouty and controlling? Do you want HER with someone who verbally abuses her? No? Then demand more for yourself too. Not to mention, if you are in a relationship with someone who is verbally abusive, it won't be long until he's that way toward her too. RUN RUN RUN Just be a mom. You are ok on your own. You won't die, I promise.
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