Staying in touch with ex-flings during LTR

[SerCay]

Here's a question to y'all:

 

Say you had a LTR (multiple years), would you find it OK if your partner stayed in touch with people (s)he used to have (regular) sex with?

 

Let's say he/she says they're now normal friends, there's nothing going on, just chit chat. But you have never met these friends.

 

Would you be ok with this?

[d0nnivain]

Not really but it would depend on what you mean by "in touch" & how long ago the dated. A Christmas card & they are FB friends who don't really chat, would be OK.

 

FB was invented decades after college for me. I am friends with a HS BF & 2 college BFs on there. If we "like" each other's posts 3-4 times per year it's a lot of interaction. I would never disrespect my husband by talking to them daily or even weekly.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I consider myself to be a pretty secure woman. I also realize that we all have a past, some more colorful than others.

 

I would agree with d0nnivain that it would depend on how much and what kind of interaction they are having.

 

Regardless, if you're in a LTR, your partner and your relationship should be your priority and therefore not to be disrespected.

[PegNosePete]

I would not get into a multiple-years LTR with someone who stayed in touch, and refused to introduce me to, their ex-sex-partners.

 

An ex who is now a friend of the relationship, is a different matter entirely.

[d0nnivain]

I would not get into a multiple-years LTR with someone who stayed in touch, and refused to introduce me to, their ex-sex-partners..

 

I don't think my husband cares. First I haven't seen these guys in almost 30 years. One lives in Colorado, one lives in Hawaii & the other in DC, at least according to FB. It would be kind of hard to introduce them. I also have no desire to meet their wives & families but when I 1st created a FB account I was curious to see pictures of their wives & kids. When DH & I got married they all liked my wedding photos & wished him well. It's not a refusal to introduce them; it's more like it's not worth the effort.

 

Ironically one of my HS BFs lives nearby. DH Met him at my reunion. The two men are now friends.

 

If it changes anything, these were innocent relationships; kissing only no sex.

Edited April 29, 2015 by d0nnivain

[Toodaloo]

I am not majorly in touch with any of my exes these days, even the ones I was very close to, as friends before or after the relationship. We have just moved on in life and thats it. They are still welcome in my house and if I am passing I will still pop in for a cup of tea just like any of my other friends... there would be no reason why my significant other wouldn't have met them... There is also no reason as to why I or my exes would bring up that we were once partners. Its no secret but its not something we would dwell on after all if we did we wouldn't still be friends...

 

So I am afraid it wouldn't crop up with me... my partner would see my exes as much as I would...

[O'Malley]

Agreed with the frequency and nature of the interactions. If they ran into them and just chatted in public or a once a year hello online, no problem. Regular meet ups or contact I'd be uncomfortable with, especially if this was someone I'd never met.

 

I do believe that one of the litmus tests of a good long term relationship is transparency about friendships; friends should try to be friends of the relationship. At the least I'd be curious why, if they're still friends and have regular contact, you've never met this individual. Some people and prior relationships are better left in the past.

[eye of the storm]

I know that I am not always on the correct side of normal. But considering I am still friends with all the men I have dated/LTR since my divorce. And some I talk to regularly, I would have to be ok with my partner doing it. It all comes down, for me, to trust and comfort level. If they are truly done, who am I to get between friends.

 

I had one flying into town for a conference and he wanted to have dinner, my current BF came with me. They had a lot in common (besides me) and they both had a great time chatting about their hobbies. It really wasn't weird. And yes my current knew who my ex was.

 

One of my Exs even let me help update his dating profile because it wasn't getting many hits.

 

Again, for me, if the relationship has truly turned into just a friendship, then why not. Good friends are too valuable to waste.

[SerCay]

There seems to be kind of an overall agreement on the thread that 1. the spouse should also know the ex or 2. if the contact is minor (christmas cards etc) then it doesn't matter cause nobody cares. BUT the spouse is always up to date.

 

This is how I feel about it too. In the past I made the mistake of staying in touch with exes during a relationship because I was insecure and I felt I needed the attention. Years past and I have totally let go of that habit, I have matured.

 

My ex used to stay in touch through IM, texting, phone calls, with girls he'd slept with. Called them friends. I never met those so called friends, and we were together 4 years. He accused me of trying to isolate him when I told him I didn't want him to be in touch with them, since I didn't know then and hadn't met them. For a minute there I believed him and thought I maybe was abusive towards him.

 

Hence...I asked you guys in a neutral way. It does me good to see that most of you agree and say the same things. Now I know for sure I wasn't trying to isolate him or being abusive!

[No Limit]

Nope. As soon as I'd catch wind of this I'd be out the door. Then again, I don't really have problems with letting go at all, no matter how much time was invested.

[preraph]

I can be friends with exes and short and long term flings. I haven't had trouble from men about it either, because I mean I just always had people hanging out at my apartment back then, in and out and would see them all out at music stuff too. I just think my crowd was sort of used to that.

 

But as a woman, if I knew someone I was exclusive with was letting a woman, any woman, come around who he HAD to know was still after him, that is a different matter. I mean, to make a call on this, you have to know the people or their history. If, for example, he had a fling and the woman was known to be really into him and aggressively after him, then I think you can assume she will call herself a friend and convince him of that just to keep her foot in the door. I would not put up with her hanging around.

 

Also, if you're going to have opposite sex friends, you MUST include your spouse or SO with activities, at least for awhile until he/she begins to know them, see the dynamic, and trust the situation. No one should have to just accept one's word for it, really.

[blackcat777]

I was on good terms with a few exes of mine. We caught up occasionally on Facebook. Whatever.

 

My current boyfriend is so awesome I suddenly realized how stupid it all was.

 

There is ZERO ill intent with any of the previous conversations I had with my exes, but I knocked that right off when I realized it would be disrespectful to continue because I love my boyfriend so much.

 

Also, really, what do my exes get out of talking to me? Honestly, not much. They deserve to be free. They don't need their girlfriends wondering WTF they're doing by talking to an ex, me. I do wish them well. I wish them so well that I'd rather disappear, let them forget about me, and be free to move into whatever relationship makes them happy... like I am doing.

[Price2Play]

Here's a question to y'all:

 

Say you had a LTR (multiple years), would you find it OK if your partner stayed in touch with people (s)he used to have (regular) sex with?

 

Let's say he/she says they're now normal friends, there's nothing going on, just chit chat. But you have never met these friends.

 

Would you be ok with this?

 

 

This kind of ruined my last RS well not entirely but some. While it was innocent and he lived states away it still bothered me because she lied about it. He was pining after her, from my understanding they had broken up many years ago. Woman LOVE attention, ego stroke if you will, especially if the other party is pining after them.

 

She was at her free will to talk to whom ever she wanted but she knew it bugged me. She stopped, apparently he needed closure. I think that was a BS line, either way it doesn't matter.

 

We had even talked about exs manys times previously, she was always grilling me while we where dating. I told her flat out, NO I'm not talking to any ex's or ex wf. Low in behold she was, the hypocrisy!

[SerCay]

Heck my ex even tried to tell me I was insecure for the fact that I didn't like him talking to them....Let me quote him: "you're an insecure jealous woman," "If you would have given me the attention I need, then I wouldn't feel the need to talk to another woman."

 

See in the past that would've touched me and I would've believed him. Now I just know that's a common move made by mental abusers, they try to turn the subject around to you and point out how wrong YOU are so that their own actions are forgotten, as the abused is now going to focus on herself and be confused.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're just trying to validate your emotions for a situation that most women would agree on, and it is because of jealousy and insecurity.

 

If your relationship is so strong and great, why are you worried about person lurking in the shadows?

 

They obviously had the option of going back to that person while they were single or upping the romantic level up a notch, or reigniting that old flame...and if they desire to be with that person now, then let them go.

 

And if they show a romantic interest for someone else, maybe the relationship is lacking.

 

But why would I be jealous over some guy in your past anyway, If I'm secure in myself and the relationship? if you want to be with that guy then go ahead, that's not for me to decide, you have the option as a human being obviously.

 

But I'm not going to cut out every guy in your past of your life, and justify that as reasonable, when it's really just a way to make sure that you don't do something bad...this is not a jail, and I'm not the warden. You have the right to pursue what you think is going to make you happy and I wouldn't handcuff somebody just to ensure that they behave appropriately in my eyes, to my feelings and desires...that's manipulative and convenient of one person to do to another, and then label their behavior if they "break the rules".

 

It doesn't even make sense to me.

 

Maybe the guy wasn't a mental abuser, maybe you didn't give the guy attention and he was using that situation you didn't approve of as an excuse since that's what you were focused on and it wasn't even really about that. Maybe he was just telling you something you didn't like in the moment because he was upset with you...isn't that any more manipulating than any woman would do? that would be manipulation every day of the week if that's the case.

 

It's easy for you, like many women here, to slap a man with a psychological and emotional issue or label to make yourself feel better...but to be fair, you should probably look in the mirror and figure out what you looked like to him.

 

Just because you accuse him of something and label him, doesn't make you right, doesn't make you the victim, and it doesn't give you right to in turn abuse him passively aggressively...but hey, why look in the mirror when it makes you feel better just to talk crap about someone else and act like you were just too good for him...because that's not a classic move.

[SerCay]

Whatever you say to justify the behaviour, chatting every day with an ex you have had a romantic relationship with, on IM, for multiple hours a day, and then also talking on the phone, all the while your girlfriend does not know this person, you do not want to introduce her, NOR has your girlfriend ever met her, makes it plain wrong. If it happened once, ok then I can get passed it. But this guy went on to do this routine every so many months with several girls he'd slept with in the past. And then call them his friends. BUT I can never know of them and meet them. And you try to tell me this is righteous behaviour....hmm sorry cannot agree.

 

In the past I did it too. But then I saw it hurt him, and I saw what it did to us. So I quit. I gave up my male friends, since he didn't want to get to know any of them despite my asking many times if he please could, so he could see the dynamic. So I just gave up on them FOR THE SAKE OF MY RS. Same goes for ex boyfriends. He didn't want to meet them, so I just quit talking to them. So he'd feel better. But he never did. Nor did he ever want to introduce me to his many female friends.

 

This behaviour would be wrong in a steady relationship, in a strong relationship, in any kind of relationship for that matter. And if it happened to you, it would hurt you too.

Edited April 30, 2015 by SerCay

[SerCay]

You're just trying to validate your emotions for a situation that most women would agree on, and it is because of jealousy and insecurity.

 

No, to me it's about disrespect towards your GF

 

They obviously had the option of going back to that person while they were single or upping the romantic level up a notch, or reigniting that old flame...and if they desire to be with that person now, then let them go.

 

Of course, but that's not the matter here. The matter is, wanting to stay with me and chatting up other girls at the same time. Having your cake and...

 

And if they show a romantic interest for someone else, maybe the relationship is lacking.

 

Then he should leave and start a new with another. But that wasn't the deal. He wanted to stay with me and continue this behaviour. Mind you he did this for 4 years. If you decide the RS is lacking, you do not hang around for 4 years.

 

But why would I be jealous over some guy in your past anyway, If I'm secure in myself and the relationship? if you want to be with that guy then go ahead, that's not for me to decide, you have the option as a human being obviously.

 

As I said, it's not jealousy. It's disrespect.

 

But I'm not going to cut out every guy in your past of your life, and justify that as reasonable, when it's really just a way to make sure that you don't do something bad...this is not a jail, and I'm not the warden. You have the right to pursue what you think is going to make you happy and I wouldn't handcuff somebody just to ensure that they behave appropriately in my eyes, to my feelings and desires...that's manipulative and convenient of one person to do to another, and then label their behavior if they "break the rules".

 

I never said I want to cut everyone from his past. But I do believe that there needs to be clearity to your spouse. I mean otherwise we can all live secret lives, then what's the point of being in a RS?

 

 

Maybe the guy wasn't a mental abuser, maybe you didn't give the guy attention and he was using that situation you didn't approve of as an excuse since that's what you were focused on and it wasn't even really about that. Maybe he was just telling you something you didn't like in the moment because he was upset with you...isn't that any more manipulating than any woman would do? that would be manipulation every day of the week if that's the case.

 

I stopped giving him attention because I needed to protect myself. We were together for so long and while I adjusted my behaviour to the relationship little by little, he never did. Eventually I drew up a wall and told him I couldn't be with him. Then he chose to stick around. The mistake I made there, is that I didn't tell him to leave straight away.

 

It's easy for you, like many women here, to slap a man with a psychological and emotional issue or label to make yourself feel better...but to be fair, you should probably look in the mirror and figure out what you looked like to him.

 

Just because you accuse him of something and label him, doesn't make you right, doesn't make you the victim, and it doesn't give you right to in turn abuse him passively aggressively...but hey, why look in the mirror when it makes you feel better just to talk crap about someone else and act like you were just too good for him...because that's not a classic move.

 

And PLEASE. It's not easy for me. Do you know how much time I'm going to need to recover from this abusive relationship? Do you KNOW what he's like? No you don't. So you just come here, and slam me down because you think you know what's going on.

 

And I do not see myself as a victim. Actually I learned from this experience, and while it may take me long to recover, I know better now than to be naive as I was before.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Whatever you say to justify the behaviour, chatting every day with an ex you have had a romantic relationship with, on IM, for multiple hours a day, and then also talking on the phone, all the while your girlfriend does not know this person, you do not want to introduce her, NOR has your girlfriend ever met her, makes it plain wrong. If it happened once, ok then I can get passed it. But this guy went on to do this routine every so many months with several girls he'd slept with in the past. And then call them his friends. BUT I can never know of them and meet them. And you try to tell me this is righteous behaviour....hmm sorry cannot agree.

 

In the past I did it too. But then I saw it hurt him, and I saw what it did to us. So I quit. I gave up my male friends, since he didn't want to get to know any of them despite my asking many times if he please could, so he could see the dynamic. So I just gave up on them FOR THE SAKE OF MY RS. Same goes for ex boyfriends. He didn't want to meet them, so I just quit talking to them. So he'd feel better. But he never did. Nor did he ever want to introduce me to his many female friends.

 

This behaviour would be wrong in a steady relationship, in a strong relationship, in any kind of relationship for that matter. And if it happened to you, it would hurt you too.

 

I'm not justifying anything for this guy, I don't care about him at all...and what he did to you is clearly hurtful, and I can understand how that would have emotionally scarred you.

 

You asked a general question about keeping in touch with people in your past..."chit-chatting" as you say, which makes it sound occasional and not really an intense every-day kind of thing.

 

And then suddenly you go into this full blown, everyday behavior, where he spends multiple hours a day speaking with women he still has a romantic connection and interest in, therefore this is why he continues to string along those relationships while supposedly being in a relationship with you...I understand that is disrespectful and I wonder to myself why you chose to deal with that.

 

So I apologize for the misunderstanding, these are two separate situations from what you initially asked.

 

These women were clearly not his friends, and you put up with far too much in your relationship.

 

However as you know, a lot of this can stem from insecurity and other issues as well. It is not going to have any benefit to you to focus on why he did this or that, and why he made the choices he did. And you have to be able to distinguish right from wrong, and from a situation where someone is having a friendship with someone, or having a full blown everyday conversation with people and doing all kinds of things that they know they shouldn't be doing but do them anyway and in your presence.

 

Ultimately, everyone has issues and problems, and how they act out is much more deep-seated than just his fidelity and relationship with you...I know to you that seems what is most relevant because it had a direct affect on you, but you don't personalize a persons behavior as hard as that may be to do, separate yourself from what they do...in reality, what they do, the choices they make, are just a reflection of what they deal with internally.

 

And it is not up to you to figure that out or understand it either, or be frightened of it, you don't need to have this extremely high sense or caution now to EVERY guy who communicates with an ex or other woman, just so you don't find yourself in this situation again at all costs. You're wiser than you were then, use that as an informative experience...but don't go around being another woman that just labels men and "calls them out" for who you think they are, because their behavior in someway mocks that of a person who hurt you.

 

Having that defense and keeping everything at arms length is not how you want to try and find happiness, you need to open and trusting again, and although you were naive, you don't have to worry that you will be that naive again...unless you're willing to make the same mistakes and ignore the red flags, again.

 

And PLEASE. It's not easy for me. Do you know how much time I'm going to need to recover from this abusive relationship? Do you KNOW what he's like? No you don't. So you just come here, and slam me down because you think you know what's going on.

 

And I do not see myself as a victim. Actually I learned from this experience, and while it may take me long to recover, I know better now than to be naive as I was before.

 

I know what abusive relationships are like very well, and they weren't from a SO. I know what it's like to be neglected by a SO however, and in turn to my perspective feel abused, and rejected in it's own right.

 

But I do not and will not linger in that emotion and keep myself from seeing the happiness that could be achieved being with someone else. I ultimately trust myself, I know very strong and hard what I want and what is good for me.

 

Sometimes you walk into bad situations and circumstances, for whatever reason...but nobody can ultimately do to you what you want allow them to.

 

I'm not slamming you down for being hurt and having emotion, or even what your ex did to you..I'm doing that because of the way you asked your question and the way as a whole, reflected your general attitude.

[SerCay]

 

I'm not slamming you down for being hurt and having emotion, or even what your ex did to you..I'm doing that because of the way you asked your question and the way as a whole, reflected your general attitude.

 

Yes I apologize, my initial question was very general indeed...as I wanted objective opinions. I feel like if I'd started out with my backstory right away on this matter, opinions would be subjective..

 

"Ultimately, everyone has issues and problems, and how they act out is much more deep-seated than just his fidelity and relationship with you...I know to you that seems what is most relevant because it had a direct affect on you, but you don't personalize a persons behavior as hard as that may be to do, separate yourself from what they do...in reality, what they do, the choices they make, are just a reflection of what they deal with internally."

 

This part of what you said is food for thought...while I know that what you're saying is true, I find it hard to bring that into practice during a relationship..

[SolG]

I certainly stay in touch with some of my exes. Some more than others, and none in the everyday close friendship way. I also have no problems with an SO being friends with exes, as long as it's all open. Hell, there were two of my then H's xGFs at our wedding

[SerCay]

as long as it's all open

 

And this is what makes all the difference...