Can you point to someone he's a bad texter?

[Gaeta]

Have you ever really been single? sounds like you jump from one man to another with no break

 

I have been single since March 2004, that's 11 years alone.

[MissBee]

I understand what you mean but these qualities you are talking about you need to spend time with a man to verify if indeed he has these qualities. A man can say he has a good character in his profile it doesn't matter, I need to verify it by spending time with him.

 

When I pick a man online I look at how long he's been single, is he a responsible parent, his job for stability, how he expresses himself, etc. It's impossible at that point to make a judgement call if he is honest, generous, respectful, reliable, right? So there is no point telling me to pick a man as per his inner qualities. I have no choice but to date him to confirm his inner qualities.

 

It's like you guys expect me to know from a profile that the man is relationship material. I do date them, and their true nature comes out after 1-2-3 dates. Them I dump them, go to next. Isn't it how it's suppose to work?

 

Right, that is how it works.

 

Except, what I notice from being here is that you make a lot of threads about your dating life. Many of these threads are asking questions about men that sometimes I wonder why this needs to be a question to begin with. I guess everyone uses LS differently, but what I assume is if you get on here to ask strangers about it it's because you're weighing something and want advice and don't feel like you have it all figured out. So because it seems like you make lots of threads about some guy or other you're seeing, it doesn't seem to me like you're self assured about dumping them right away when you find things amiss, and most of the thread (like I mentioned earlier) is about having an elaborate discussion about whether or not a particular thing is sketchy or not, which usually seems to be about giving a chance to some guy who is behaving in a sketchy way. That's more or less all the threads I've read from you on the men you've dated: go on date, man is weird in some way, or you're just not that sure, you make a thread, people say he is sketchy, some say he is fine, you say ahhh I dunno I think it'll be fine, date some more, surprise he's sketchy. So it just seems like chances are, if after the date you feel to get on LS and dissect him, it's most likely because he's sketchy and you shouldn't even worry about doing that and should dump him.

 

But otherwise, yes, you do need to go on dates to see how the person really is and trust yourself, which is perhaps where you struggle, in trusting yourself about a man or in being too willing to ignore the flags to think maybe he deserves a chance, which again to me is what most times I see in your threads is a resistance to advice that he might be sketchy, even though you made the thread, which for me signals that you feel something is off about this person why you're asking for strangers' to weigh in, then you continue anyway, then it eventually falls apart.

[Gaeta]

I agree, you need to look at those things but Gaeta, a lot of us who responded to your thread saw the BS a mile back and yet you were still giving him the benefit of the doubt. Actually let me add the jewellery guy, you also gave him the benefit of the doubt when we were saying whoa!

 

I know :-(

 

I tell myself no one is perfect and we all make mistakes that is why I give chances. I hope it's just clumsiness and there is a good heart in there.

[h0000]

I have been single since March 2004, that's 11 years alone.

 

 

Single as in not actively dating/seeing/looking for guys.

Not sure if I get this right but you started relationship then marriage then relationship then dating 100 men..

So doesn't sound like you made time for yourself to grow and change? like a good few years single and enjoy being single.

Not sure what you are looking for but I think if you acutally want a long term partner,maybe try stop seeking now and let things develop naturally, while you focusing on yourself.

[MissBee]

I know :-(

 

I tell myself no one is perfect and we all make mistakes that is why I give chances. I hope it's just clumsiness and there is a good heart in there.

 

Stop doing that.

 

A long time ago I decided that if you want a chance, play the lottery.

 

It's corny but true. I used to be a chance giver and all it did was waste my time. Most women who are chance-givers tend to overlook the obvious and walk blindfolded into red flags all for the sake of hoping beyond the glaring obvious something wonderful is hidden underneath....however, more often than not, nothing wonderful is there and you should have hit eject a long time ago.

 

How has giving chances worked out for you? Not all that well it seems. Try something different this time...don't give chances. Just be ruthless in cutting people off for the next 3 months and see if it makes a difference. Maybe you'll need to scale back but I think it's easier to go from being too strict to relaxing a little than it is to be a free for all chance giver and then try to be discerning.

[Gaeta]

Single as in not actively dating/seeing/looking for guys.

Not sure if I get this right but you started relationship then marriage then relationship then dating 100 men..

So doesn't sound like you made time for yourself to grow and change? like a good few years single and enjoy being single.

Not sure what you are looking for but I think if you acutally want a long term partner,maybe try stop seeking now and let things develop naturally, while you focusing on yourself.

 

I have been single, not looking, not seeking, no fwb, from 2006 to 2012. My life evolved solely around my work, friends and family. That is 6 years of focusing on myself.

[Carm]

I agree with MissBee. I think you are having trouble trusting your gut and so you post on LS. We in turn say he's sketchy and let it go and you don't. You hang in and hope for the best and somehow it ends. And you're left scratching your head but quickly move on to the next and then next and history repeats.

 

 

When I was dating I went on many dates that I did not post on LS. There was no need to post because I listened to that inner voice and put a break on continuing to see them.

[MissBee]

I agree with MissBee. I think you are having trouble trusting your gut and so you post on LS. We in turn say he's sketchy and let it go and you don't. You hang in and hope for the best and somehow it ends. And you're left scratching your head but quickly move on to the next and then next and history repeats.

 

 

When I was dating I went on many dates that I did not post on LS. There was no need to post because I listened to that inner voice and put a break on continuing to see them.

 

I agree 100%.

 

If you have to post about each and every date or most of them you need to step back and ask why isn't your own judgment enough?

[Gaeta]

I agree 100%.

 

If you have to post about each and every date or most of them you need to step back and ask why isn't your own judgment enough?

 

I post about 25% of the men I meet. I eliminated 2 this week and no words about them on here.

 

I usually post at about 3-4 dates as it's when I usually start wondering about certain of their behavior.

[katiegrl]

I post about 25% of the men I meet. I eliminated 2 this week and no words about them on here.

 

I usually post at about 3-4 dates as it's when I usually start wondering about certain of their behavior.

 

You still didn't answer MissBee's question though. When you do start questioning, why isn't YOUR own judgment enough?

[Gaeta]

You still didn't answer MissBee's question though. When you do start questioning, why isn't YOUR own judgment enough?

 

Because I have made pretty bad judgment calls in the past. Both my long term relations should have never happened. The red flags were there but I ignored them in the name of marriage or the name of love.

 

Then I started dating a few years ago and realized I still made pretty bad judgment calls. I feel I need guidance. I think some of it is due to my very Catholic up bringing 'don't judge, be patient, turn the other cheek, forgive'. It's still very present in me even if I have not been in Church or bothered with my religion for years.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Right, that is how it works.

 

Except, what I notice from being here is that you make a lot of threads about your dating life. Many of these threads are asking questions about men that sometimes I wonder why this needs to be a question to begin with. I guess everyone uses LS differently, but what I assume is if you get on here to ask strangers about it it's because you're weighing something and want advice and don't feel like you have it all figured out. So because it seems like you make lots of threads about some guy or other you're seeing, it doesn't seem to me like you're self assured about dumping them right away when you find things amiss, and most of the thread (like I mentioned earlier) is about having an elaborate discussion about whether or not a particular thing is sketchy or not, which usually seems to be about giving a chance to some guy who is behaving in a sketchy way. That's more or less all the threads I've read from you on the men you've dated: go on date, man is weird in some way, or you're just not that sure, you make a thread, people say he is sketchy, some say he is fine, you say ahhh I dunno I think it'll be fine, date some more, surprise he's sketchy. So it just seems like chances are, if after the date you feel to get on LS and dissect him, it's most likely because he's sketchy and you shouldn't even worry about doing that and should dump him.

 

But otherwise, yes, you do need to go on dates to see how the person really is and trust yourself, which is perhaps where you struggle, in trusting yourself about a man or in being too willing to ignore the flags to think maybe he deserves a chance, which again to me is what most times I see in your threads is a resistance to advice that he might be sketchy, even though you made the thread, which for me signals that you feel something is off about this person why you're asking for strangers' to weigh in, then you continue anyway, then it eventually falls apart.

 

This is yet another post by MissBee that is bang on.

 

Take it from a recovering Catholic, your gut is all you need to tell you what's what. Learn how to listen to it better and navigate accordingly. Jesus would be proud of that

[MissBee]

This is yet another post by MissBee that is bang on.

 

Take it from a recovering Catholic, your gut is all you need to tell you what's what. Learn how to listen to it better and navigate accordingly. Jesus would be proud of that

 

Cosign.

 

LS is like the training wheels, but ultimately you gotta take them off and begin to trust yourself more. The more you practice that the better.

 

I had an old roommate who was rather annoying (not saying you are Gaeta at all, I'm just using her as an example of someone who needed to take the training wheels off) because EVERY move she made with a man needed to go through a council of friends. Literally. Every text she sent, 5 other people had to read it first, everything she did with a man, she couldn't do it without first gathering all her friends to weigh in, it was so tedious. I was like, I get it, you want to be cautious, but what you're doing now isn't real...you aren't learning anything when you constantly have everyone else helping you to make choices. If you make a mistake you won't die...you just need to start practicing listening to your own self first and honing that skill of trusting your gut.

 

Putting it back on you, I think you definitely need to trust yourself more. You admit you had bad judgment before, like I said, go back to the past, write down what was wrong about your former relationships, look at if there is an emerging pattern, think back to what you downplayed and ignored, also make a list of what you do want in a partner (needs, absolute NOs and wants) and have something concrete to judge men against. I think the more concrete you are the easier it is to trust yourself or simply pull up your list and check a man against it. Like I said, especially women who have consistently had issues with being good judges of character need to be even more intentional about writing things down and checking them if you don't feel confident enough to just go with your gut. When the gut isn't working well, look at the piece of paper.