Can you point to someone he's a bad texter?

[Art_Critic]

glad you are going to curb him, the part you can't see is how many women he is texting while texting with you, the one that gets the attention is the one that goes to sexting first.

 

He drops the text convo because you aren't as high of a priority as the other girls he is texting with.

 

next

[Carm]

Hey Gaeta,

 

 

Glad you are kicking him aside.

 

 

Think about this. You've had so many guys like him (100's..your words), do you think in some way you are addicted to the drama these guys bring?

 

 

Some people are addicted and therefore don't want "normal"...again don't answer in haste. I don't mean anything negative about it, just pointing out something you may want to ponder.

[MissBee]

I have seen this man twice (Jewelry guy). He's a bad texter. He drops off of text conversations with no notice and gets back to me like 2 days later but won't even answer the last question.

 

Conversation before he invited me to do an out door activity this week when ever I am available. He dropped that conversation after I asked when he's free.

 

Yesterday at around 10 am he texted me in a panic looking for help. He's a lawyer but started a financial accounting course for whatever reason. So he texts me 'omg I just had my first course and I'm lost would you please have time to help me with this before I go crazy!!.

 

I replied of course I'll help you. I'm free Tuesday or Thursday. That was 24 hours ago, never got a reply back.

 

I'm tempted to say 'listen if you want to interact with me in any fashion you need to be a little more on the ball with your replies' but wouldn't that be like mothering him? Maybe that's what he needs a mother after all he's 39 and I'm 10 years older.

 

That's not mothering. That's stating what you need and he's free to oblige or not and from then you can know where to go from there.

 

I would absolutely hate that and for me it would just be a sign that this person is very unreliable.

[Carm]

That's not mothering. That's stating what you need and he's free to oblige or not and from then you can know where to go from there.

 

I would absolutely hate that and for me it would just be a sign that this person is very unreliable.

 

 

 

Exactly and who wants to start a relationship with an unreliable person.

[MissBee]

In addition, from all your various threads it seems like when guys behave in sketchy ways or do unacceptable things your tendency is to try to understand or give them a chance or the benefit of the doubt. However, ultimately it tends to prove futile as they didn't deserve it and were showing you something serious that wouldn't change.

 

I know it's a hard balance, but probably if you don't want to date another 100 men it might be worth it to try a new approach, i.e. assuming they are full of crap as your first instinct and not giving them too much head space UNLESS they really truly blow you away with some great reason and CONSISTENT better behavior after.

 

Also for your prospects, maybe it's off topic but I'm curious about what makes you decide a man is a prospect. You don't seem short on quantity of dates but the quality though might be a thing. I can go on dates with 100 men, if I don't really care how they are, but because I'm really specific about what works and doesn't and where I see a future and don't, even who gets to be a prospect tends to be limited to begin with.

[Michelle ma Belle]

In addition, from all your various threads it seems like when guys behave in sketchy ways or do unacceptable things your tendency is to try to understand or give them a chance or the benefit of the doubt. However, ultimately it tends to prove futile as they didn't deserve it and were showing you something serious that wouldn't change.

 

I know it's a hard balance, but probably if you don't want to date another 100 men it might be worth it to try a new approach, i.e. assuming they are full of crap as your first instinct and not giving them too much head space UNLESS they really truly blow you away with some great reason and CONSISTENT better behavior after.

 

Also for your prospects, maybe it's off topic but I'm curious about what makes you decide a man is a prospect. You don't seem short on quantity of dates but the quality though might be a thing. I can go on dates with 100 men, if I don't really care how they are, but because I'm really specific about what works and doesn't and where I see a future and don't, even who gets to be a prospect tends to be limited to begin with.

 

Excellent point and one I subscribe to as well. The older I get, the more discerning I become because I know more and more what I want and especially what I don't want. My time is valuable.

[katiegrl]

Excellent point and one I subscribe to as well. The older I get, the more discerning I become because I know more and more what I want and especially what I don't want. My time is valuable.

 

I second that...or "third" that.

 

When I did OLD, I rarely, RARELY, felt enough interest in a man to even accept a second date.

 

Did not matter how successful they were, how physically attractive they were, or how intrigued they appeared to be with me, I knew what I was looking for, and they just weren't it.

 

And lest you say I didn't give the guy a chance, I didn't have to. I am extremely intuitive and perceptive, knew what questions to ask and what to look for (inconsistencies and other pink flags) and don't believe in wasting time with men who I KNEW weren't right.

 

No disrespect to Gaeta but it appears to me the only criteria she has is that the guy is a "good catch" and is interested in her.

 

Which *initially* most guys will be (even if just for sex) since from what I understand, she is very attractive.

 

Just seems odd to me at how many guys she has been interested in, when for most people, it takes meeting many many people before meeting the one that strikes their fancy enough to want to move forward with.

 

JMO, and apologies to Gaeta for speaking about her in the third person.

[Gaeta]

 

Think about this. You've had so many guys like him (100's..your words), do you think in some way you are addicted to the drama these guys bring?

 

I don't think I am addicted to drama, if I were wouldn't I feed the drama? and if there is something I don't do is hang on to these men, I move on at the speed of light from these flakes.

[Gaeta]

I second that...or "third" that.

 

When I did OLD, I rarely, RARELY, felt enough interest in a man to even accept a second date.

 

Did not matter how successful they were, how physically attractive they were, or how intrigued they appeared to be with me, I knew what I was looking for, and they just weren't it.

 

But if you meet a man that you feel attracted to, that is fun, interesting and checks most of your boxes, how do you know after only 2 dates he's not what you're looking for?

 

And lest you say I didn't give the guy a chance, I didn't have to. I am extremely intuitive and perceptive, knew what questions to ask and what to look for (inconsistencies and other pink flags) and don't believe in wasting time with men who I KNEW weren't right.

 

Give me examples of questions to ask.

I ask how long they've been single, if they are in good terms with their ex, why their relationship ended, how often they see their children, what relationship they are looking for, I ask a bunch of questions, what else should I ask?

 

No disrespect to Gaeta but it appears to me the only criteria she has is that the guy is a "good catch" and is interested in her.

 

Which *initially* most guys will be (even if just for sex) since from what I understand, she is very attractive.

 

Well no, I don't date men just cause they're into me, I have to be into them as well lol.

 

 

JMO, and apologies to Gaeta for speaking about her in the third person.

No problem dear

[katiegrl]

Gaeta, I will respond to all your questions I promise, but for now, for ME, I just don't become "attracted to" men all that easily, or all that often.

 

It is very rare when I do, and when I do, it's for reasons that go beyond his looks, how successful he is, etc. And in every case, the man was always "attracted to" me as well, beyond the superficial reasons I just gave.

 

For me, it goes deeper, I dunno, it's very hard to explain, except to say I am extremely intuitive and just pick up on things other women may miss. I look WITHIN, and how I "feel" in a man's presence. As opposed to how he looks on the outside, his job, how much money he makes, etc.

 

I think I am anomaly though, I swear. I just don't get turned on by a man's physical appearance, or ANYTHING superficial .... it doesn't matter how conventionally "hot" he is. You would NEVER see me at a male strip club for example, I am not moved by a big buff chest.

 

That is why when you said one reason why you liked jewelry guy was big buff chest, I could not relate.

 

I'm not saying my way is the "right" way, it's just me.

 

I think it's great you are able to become attracted to men so easily (or more easily than I am), but when the majority of those men turn out to be losers, liars, disingenuous, etc., you have to start questioning WHY it is you DO become attracted to them.

 

That's all.

 

You are a beautiful, successful women, god you deserve better than these bozos....I wish YOU could believe that!

[katiegrl]

Gaeta, I think you are asking the right questions. What I look for is not what they "say" in response ....but "how" they respond.

 

Most men are gonna *say* what they think or know you want to hear. Does NOT mean it's the truth!

 

When responding to my questions, I pick up on body language, eye contact and other subtle nuances that tell me whether or not he is lying or being truthful.

 

And I can always tell when a guy is lying, it is usually very obvious to me, even without much to go on.

 

I dunno maybe I am psychic! Lol, just kidding, but I have always been this way, even going back to my early teens.

 

Blessing and a curse I think.

 

That said though, becoming intuitive about this stuff CAN be learned! I've read a lot of books about it, which has also helped.

 

"Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell, comes to mind. Pick it up if you can, you will be amazed!

 

:)

[Gaeta]

I think I am anomaly though, I swear. I just don't get turned on by a man's physical appearance, or ANYTHING superficial .... it doesn't matter how conventionally "hot" he is. You would NEVER see me at a male strip club for example, I am not moved by a big buff chest.

 

I made the big buffed chest comment to be funny lol. Yes I was attracted toward his physique but I am a woman like any other woman. He is a lawyer, he's articulate, interesting, confident, traveled the world, was a gentleman. There was nothing to not like.

 

Last night I eliminated one of the prospect. Super hot guy, pretty face and all but he was boring as hell over the phone. This morning I told him nicely I did not wish to pursue I felt we did not have enough in common. It's not just look, it's a cocktail of several things together that I find attractive.

[katiegrl]

I made the big buffed chest comment to be funny lol. Yes I was attracted toward his physique but I am a woman like any other woman. He is a lawyer, he's articulate, interesting, confident, traveled the world, was a gentleman. There was nothing to not like.

 

Last night I eliminated one of the prospect. Super hot guy, pretty face and all but he was boring as hell over the phone. This morning I told him nicely I did not wish to pursue I felt we did not have enough in common. It's not just look, it's a cocktail of several things together that I find attractive.

 

Re first paragraph... yeah I hear ya.

 

Don't mind me Gaeta, I'm just weird re stuff like that... I'll own that.

 

Re second paragraph, just carry on doing what you're doing.

 

Mr. Right will come along eventually....

Edited April 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[Emilia]

In addition, from all your various threads it seems like when guys behave in sketchy ways or do unacceptable things your tendency is to try to understand or give them a chance or the benefit of the doubt. However, ultimately it tends to prove futile as they didn't deserve it and were showing you something serious that wouldn't change.

 

I know it's a hard balance, but probably if you don't want to date another 100 men it might be worth it to try a new approach, i.e. assuming they are full of crap as your first instinct and not giving them too much head space UNLESS they really truly blow you away with some great reason and CONSISTENT better behavior after.

 

Also for your prospects, maybe it's off topic but I'm curious about what makes you decide a man is a prospect. You don't seem short on quantity of dates but the quality though might be a thing. I can go on dates with 100 men, if I don't really care how they are, but because I'm really specific about what works and doesn't and where I see a future and don't, even who gets to be a prospect tends to be limited to begin with.

I think responding to this post in detail would help you OP.

 

I'd be curious to hear too how you decide on prospects as so many of the guys you post about here show their true colours very early on.

[Carm]

After being in a 4 year relationship with a pathological liar I now have a heightened BS detector.

 

 

It really does seem that you take what these men say as the truth.

 

 

In just reading your threads gushing over these last two guys I thought wow she doesn't see these guys are blowing smoke?

 

 

And I still don't believe the last guy who went on about depression and then finally fessed up that he was married and moving to Europe. It's just bullshyt.

 

 

I personally don't know anyone who has had success with POF. Why not ask around to see if anyone knows anyone single?

 

 

That's what I did, got a few dates but only one man I was interested in and we've been together 10 months. It's so much easier when you have a mutual friend, eliminates the BS.

[MissBee]

I made the big buffed chest comment to be funny lol. Yes I was attracted toward his physique but I am a woman like any other woman. He is a lawyer, he's articulate, interesting, confident, traveled the world, was a gentleman. There was nothing to not like.

 

Last night I eliminated one of the prospect. Super hot guy, pretty face and all but he was boring as hell over the phone. This morning I told him nicely I did not wish to pursue I felt we did not have enough in common. It's not just look, it's a cocktail of several things together that I find attractive.

 

I think the bold is a start and I'd of course see someone like that as a potential prospect as well,but be careful to realize that those things aren't character traits. Your profession, how well you speak, how much you use your passport, whether you're interesting and even being a gentleman don't really reveal your actual character, so part of my check box is also listening to a man for other things that clue me in about him and if he checks the boxes I have about character and values and more importantly mental and emotional health. The last two are especially important for me and having a successful career or being articulate don't prevent you from at the same time being unhinged or emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature.

 

Do you go into dating already armed with ideas about your deal breakers, your needs and your wants? I actually have a list. It's not something I walk around with, but it's an actual document in my Google Drive that I can refer to from time to time and modify as I grow and change. But it lays out all I want and need from a partner, what are my absolute NEEDS, my absolute NOs, then a negotiable list of wants. I can give you examples of all three: an absolute need is a man who is reliable and does what he says and is consistent, this is not negotiable. I had an unavailable father and also had a pattern of dating unavailable men who were flakey so for me this is NOT something I can put up with so the minute a man shows signs of being flaky and unreliable he is gone and I NEED someone consistent and reliable. An absolute NO is the unreliable thing as well but another one is bigots, that's an immediate deal breaker. One of my wants is a man who is tall...this is a want, it's a desire, it's a preference, but it's not at all a requirement.

 

I have the short hand version in my mind and most of it is about character, values, how he treats me, what he stands for, how he treats other people etc...and it's pretty easy to see when a man isn't lining up. I may fool myself...but ultimately having that list has proved useful for me in dating. I think if you're a woman who is especially prone to a pattern of the wrong men, it is worth it to take time to figure out the pattern of the kind you attract and figure out why then also figure out what it is you do want and sit down and extensively think about it and journal about it and make a list that you can refer to and also line men up against, it will be more useful than doing the same ol same ol.

Edited April 30, 2015 by MissBee

[Weezy1973]

A lot of great advice here Gaeta. The truth is, that it appears that the qualities that you're attracted to happen to have nothing with qualities that make someone a good potential long term relationship partner. There's nothing wrong with what you're attracted to per se, but if you actually want to be in a long term, monogamous, relationship, you will have a harder time.

 

Essentially you'll have to act in ways that counter your instincts. After 100+ men, clearly your instincts are bad when it comes to long term relationship material. The experiences you've had aren't merely "we're not a good match" stories, they're gong shows. Completely horrible types of men that you, over and over again, are attracted to! At some point you have to start questioning yourself.

 

Or not. And continue on.

 

Do you actually ever question yourself? If you might be off in what you're attracted to?

[h0000]

How do you possibly find 100 men to go on date with?? And how is it possible that none of them involved into anything at all??

Are we not joking here?

I once used POF and got 100 messages a day but I at most only was interested in 2-3 of them. You need like 1000 messages to find 100 men!

Edited May 1, 2015 by h0000

[MissBee]

How do you possibly find 100 men to go on date with?? And how is it possible that none of them involved into anything at all??

Are we not joking here?

I once used POF and got 100 messages a day but I at most only was interested in 2-3 of them. You need like 1000 messages to find 100 men!

 

I'm not sure of the time span of the 100 for Gaeta...I don't know if I've been on a 100 dates yet in my life lol. I've never counted, but I imagine it is way less than a hundred, even during my late teen years when I was heavily going out with lots of people and wasn't all that picky as I am now.

 

But take online dating for example, I swore off it for years and only got back on last February, between then and now I've received hundreds of messages, most I do not reply to because from the message and the profile I can tell they are not what I'm looking for. I don't know how many I've responded to but I can say when I first got on, I spoke on the phone with maybe 5 people total, went on two dates and one became my bf for about 6 months and then we broke up. I continued receiving tons of messages, most again were from men I had zero in common with and knew I'd never be a match with, then between last October and now I've gone on 4 dates, I saw one of them casually for a few but knew while he was a good catch on paper we weren't compatible enough to be together and he also seemed not to be looking for that, I never saw the second one again after a horrible date. The third one things were fine for 3 dates until he revealed himself to be nuts and one I'm still talking to, we met about 2 weeks ago, he's fine but I also don't think we'll be serious, but he's cool to hang out with.

 

The short of it is, there aren't that many men who even make it to a date and many who do don't make it to a second one or I know early on if they are long term potential or I know not to get too emotionally invested because they don't have what I'm looking for for something stable and long term. I think if you've gone on 100 dates in a year for example, there is no way you're screening these men well, it becomes a quantity game now and not a quality one, and as someone else mentioned, you may be choosing these men based on things like good job, interesting and good looks or something but not on the other things which count for LTR material or good character obviously.

Edited May 1, 2015 by MissBee

[Gaeta]

How do you possibly find 100 men to go on date with?? And how is it possible that none of them involved into anything at all??

Are we not joking here?

I once used POF and got 100 messages a day but I at most only was interested in 2-3 of them. You need like 1000 messages to find 100 men!

 

100+ dates over 3 years and it's not that uncommon. I came across people who had as many dates as me over a couple of years. Lots of 1st date with no follow up, many turned out in 2-3-4 dates and abort, a couple of 2-3 months relationship and one 6 month relationship.

 

I also live in a big city, there are plenty of men to date.

 

Also when I started this 3 years ago I was new to dating, no experience, a little naive. There were weeks I booked myself 3-4 different 1st date. Sometimes 2 dates in same day. You add up to 100 fast.

Edited May 1, 2015 by Gaeta

[h0000]

You gotta literally say yes to everybody to date a 100 men...I firmly believe I would not even meet up with 100 men my whole life.

I am a bit surprised she has this number considering she is 46 or something. Should know better than this?? I mean should be more selective

Edited May 1, 2015 by h0000

[Gaeta]

you may be choosing these men based on things like good job, interesting and good looks or something but not on the other things which count for LTR material or good character obviously.

 

I understand what you mean but these qualities you are talking about you need to spend time with a man to verify if indeed he has these qualities. A man can say he has a good character in his profile it doesn't matter, I need to verify it by spending time with him.

 

When I pick a man online I look at how long he's been single, is he a responsible parent, his job for stability, how he expresses himself, etc. It's impossible at that point to make a judgement call if he is honest, generous, respectful, reliable, right? So there is no point telling me to pick a man as per his inner qualities. I have no choice but to date him to confirm his inner qualities.

 

It's like you guys expect me to know from a profile that the man is relationship material. I do date them, and their true nature comes out after 1-2-3 dates. Them I dump them, go to next. Isn't it how it's suppose to work?

[Gaeta]

You gotta literally say yes to everybody to date a 100 men...I firmly believe I would not even meet up with 100 men my whole life.

I am a bit surprised she has this number considering she is 46 or something. Should know better than this?? I mean should be more selective

 

Know better? Ok here is a little history. I met my ex-husband at 17. My first boyfriend and even my first kiss. I married him. I never dated. I was with him for 15 years. Then right away entered another relationship for 4 years. Again no dating. I find myself at 45 back on dating market and learning what I should have learned at 17.

[h0000]

Know better? Ok here is a little history. I met my ex-husband at 17. My first boyfriend and even my first kiss. I married him. I never dated. I was with him for 15 years. Then right away entered another relationship for 4 years. Again no dating. I find myself at 45 back on dating market and learning what I should have learned at 17.

 

Have you ever really been single? sounds like you jump from one man to another with no break

[Carm]

I understand what you mean but these qualities you are talking about you need to spend time with a man to verify if indeed he has these qualities. A man can say he has a good character in his profile it doesn't matter, I need to verify it by spending time with him.

 

When I pick a man online I look at how long he's been single, is he a responsible parent, his job for stability, how he expresses himself, etc. It's impossible at that point to make a judgement call if he is honest, generous, respectful, reliable, right? So there is no point telling me to pick a man as per his inner qualities. I have no choice but to date him to confirm his inner qualities.

 

It's like you guys expect me to know from a profile that the man is relationship material. I do date them, and their true nature comes out after 1-2-3 dates. Them I dump them, go to next. Isn't it how it's suppose to work?

 

 

I agree, you need to look at those things but Gaeta, a lot of us who responded to your thread saw the BS a mile back and yet you were still giving him the benefit of the doubt. Actually let me add the jewellery guy, you also gave him the benefit of the doubt when we were saying whoa!