hartshapedbox Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Disclaimer: I suffer from depression and I seem cursed to always fall for those who I can never have, and yes, I try to fight those feelings. I understand that my feelings for this man are 'wrong' because he has a partner, because he is my co-worker and because he is a lot older than me. I don't need anyone to tell me this. I would simply like an interpretation or opinion on this man's behaviour towards me, as I do not know what to think and in my current state of mind, I do not trust my own judgement. There's this male co-worker who is significantly older than me. Ever since he started working at my place of work a few months ago, he's been behaving towards me in a way that I would normally interpret as romantic interest, EXCEPT for the fact that he already has a partner and he is much older than me. So here's what I'm thinking: - Either he IS 'into' me to some degree (though I doubt he would act on it) - It's more a paternal/caring older adult towards younger person - Or he is just naturally flirty and there's nothing more to it I am crushing on him - he is a lovely man, very friendly and easy going, and physically attractive. His age doesn't phase me. I am aware that he has a partner and so I would never act on my feelings. But because of those feelings, I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to interpreting the signals I'm getting from him. In a nutshell, here are some things that he does: - Seems to find excuses to touch me throughout the day. E.g. mostly touching my shoulder or my upper arm. He often says things like "I would give you a hug/rub your shoulders but I don't want to be inappropriate" - also he ranted to me about the fact that workplaces don't allow touching and hugs etc, how some people might freak out etc. (Later on I thought maybe he was trying to gage how *I* felt about touching in the workplace...and indeed that's when all the shoulder/arm touching started) - Will find an excuse to talk to me multiple times throughout the day, will sometimes seek me out/'bump into me' to ask non-urgent work-related questions he knows I probably wouldn't know the answer to - often coordinates his breaks with mine, sits with me - Throughout the day will ask how I'm going, how's my workload, and sometimes talk about random things - If I am especially quiet or down-looking (depression rearing it's head) he will ask if I'm okay; has said I can talk to him about anything if I need to. (I haven't spoken to him about my depression). - Has implied that he thinks I am physically attractive a few times, through subtle comments such as something along the lines of "If I went to the gym I'd probably be hassled a lot by guys". - Can get quite protective of me, says he has my back if anyone is nasty to me, asks who he should beat up, etc. - Discusses personal life, such as bad relationships in the past, problems with a friend, etc. Asks about my friendship with other women in the office, if we see each other out of work, etc. - Expresses interest in me as a person - e.g. my taste in music, movies, exercise/diet, what I do on the weekend, etc. - Jokes around with me, can be a bit cheeky and has a bit of fun. - I have caught him staring at me or watching me go past a few times. Thanks for your thoughts. I really don't know what to make of this. Of course it's nice to think someone you like might be attracted to you, but I don't want to jump to any conclusions. The only thing that makes me think "no way he likes me!" is when he mentions his partner sometimes (simple things like, oh she said this, did this, etc, never says her name) because I would assume if he was trying something on me, he wouldn't want to remind me that he has a partner.
PegNosePete Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 He would like to cheat on his partner with you. Don't go there, it will end in tears. Your tears.
Author hartshapedbox Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 One of my friend's said that too. But if that's the case, why would he talk about his partner in front of me? You'd think he'd want to make me forget he had one, if his ultimate aim was to reel me in...
Jessie1231 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 One of my friend's said that too. But if that's the case, why would he talk about his partner in front of me? You'd think he'd want to make me forget he had one, if his ultimate aim was to reel me in... I think he's doing that to make it clear up front that if something does happen between you two, you won't be his girlfriend but instead will be a side piece. He's letting you know he's not looking for a relationship with you but is open to an affair.
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) He would like to cheat on his partner with you. Don't go there, it will end in tears. Your tears. I think he is attracted to you (on some level) and may even fantasize about having sex with you .. but has no intention of actually cheating on his partner with you. You are a diversion from his otherwise predictable and "possibly" mundane relationship with his partner. He may also sense that you are crushing in him, and enjoys the ego boost it gives him. So he gives you just enough to keep you crushing, but not enough that might cause yoiu to think he would leave his partner, or cheat on his partner. That is why he mentions her periodically. Edited April 29, 2015 by katiegrl
PegNosePete Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 You are a diversion from his otherwise predictable and "possibly" mundane relationship with his partner. AKA: emotional affair.
Author hartshapedbox Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 Aha! I think this is most likely. How could I go about discouraging his flirtiness? Because it's really not helping the situation - I don't want my feelings for him to get stronger! In the end it will just cause me more pain.
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Aha! I think this is most likely. How could I go about discouraging his flirtiness? Because it's really not helping the situation - I don't want my feelings for him to get stronger! In the end it will just cause me more pain. Just don't respond when he behaves like that. Keep it strictly professional, which is really what you should have been doing all along. Next time he touches you, politely tell him to refrain from doing that, it is not appropriate! He'll figure it out, and move on to his next diversion. 1
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