No contact isn't yet possible... what do I do? I feel so unresolved. [update]

[tylerj]

Well we have exchanged messages anyway. It's the end of the day here and I've not been able to borrow money from anyone and don't want a bad credit rating, I said:

 

Me: Can you please send me the £150 you owe towards the water bill as it is due today

 

Her: Yes, sure thing, i totally forgot about it.

 

Me: Ok

 

Her: There. Done now :-)

 

Me: Thanks. And so my life is not left in limbo can we please schedule something in the diary so I know what is happening?

 

Her: Please can I come over after work on Friday?

 

Me: Ok

 

Her: Thanks

 

 

Is it worth me saying anything else at this stage? I feel like I'm being strung along and want to express that.

[Diezel]

Nope. You wait til Friday.

[mightycpa]

I wish it was as simple as a few boxes. Because its our first home together (we both lived in shared accommodation prior) most of the stuff we bought e.g. furniture, was bought jointly. Neither of us can afford to live here alone.

 

While you wait, you might want to start creating a list of items, and record their value in one column, and what you owe in the other. Doing this will help you stay busy and pass the time more quickly. I also think it will be very practical for you to do this, and if she's done with you at the end of the week, you'll project an image of strength when you pull out your list and say

 

Well, ok, if that's the way you really want it. I've taken the liberty of completing an inventory of the things we own together. Let's take a look at it and figure out a way to split everything up quickly, in an equitable and amicable fashion.

[tylerj]

Grr, this forum is a good release sometimes.

 

I've gone backwards and forwards on sending her this:

 

"I just need you to know I'm doing ok, but that I'm feeling strung along and I worry I will start to resent it. I feel whatever we are doing now is completely counterintuitive to being able to rely on one another. I felt we had made so much progress and had this wonderful foundation to be closer emotionally and spend that extra day a week going on dates like we used to. I know that relationships take work - it is naive to think everything will always be ok and everyone knows how to read one another and I feel like you're running away. I don't want to push you away by telling you this - the smart thing would be for me to give you more space - but when we did the emotional therapy together we we're taught to share emotions and here they are."

 

(The therapy I refer to is something we both attended in order for her - and U.S. both really, to learn how to open up with one another. Her suggestion)

[Diezel]

Do NOT send that.

 

If you have to clarify that you hope not to push her away by saying that, it's because subconsciously you know it will probably do just that.

 

Like I said before: Wait til Friday.

 

If not, break up with her now.

[tylerj]

Do NOT send that.

 

If you have to clarify that you hope not to push her away by saying that, it's because subconsciously you know it will probably do just that.

 

Like I said before: Wait til Friday.

 

If not, break up with her now.

 

I don't feel like anything I say at this point will inform her decision. And the impatience of not knowing is really getting at me.

[mightycpa]

I don't feel like anything I say at this point will inform her decision.

Untrue. Think of a sleazy salesman who keeps pushing you to buy the product without giving you time to consider it. Every push is one more reason not to buy.

[Diezel]

Untrue. Think of a sleazy salesman who keeps pushing you to buy the product without giving you time to consider it. Every push is one more reason not to buy.

 

Exactly what he said.

 

Just because you don't think it won't, it probably will. Something pushed her away in the first place... what was it... oh yeah... PRESSURE.

 

Want to keep applying MORE pressure to the situation?

[tylerj]

What am I supposed to read into this?

 

She changed her profile picture on facebook from a picture of us to a picture of her and her friends at xmas (in christmas jumpers).

 

I just can't help but feel like it's a subtle dig at me and I want to tell her I'm angry.

 

Maybe its me overthinking but she's not changed that picture for months.

 

Damn FB notifications...

Edited April 22, 2015 by tylerj

[Diezel]

It's not a dig, maybe just transitional.

What's important is you realize that this may very well be an indicator of things to come.

 

What do you think it is going to help telling her that you are angry that she changed her Facebook profile picture?

[PegNosePete]

It's yet another sign that she has checked out of the relationship, and that this "break" will soon become permanent.

[tylerj]

It's not a dig, maybe just transitional.

What's important is you realize that this may very well be an indicator of things to come.

 

What do you think it is going to help telling her that you are angry that she changed her Facebook profile picture?

 

It might help me get clarity on whether I can start the recovery process, because right now my life is in limbo.

[Diezel]

So you intentionally want to start the break up process?

 

Then break up. Tell her it's over. But don't start by saying, "I'm angry you changed your profile picture."

[tylerj]

Anything I say or do is not rational, to be honest. She's got my emotions by the balls and I am powerless.

[Diezel]

I'll speak JUST for myself.

 

If this were me, I'd dump her. Two people should be able to communicate their problems without having to resort to leaving for a week. And it's not like there was THAT big of an issue or a fight or argument.

 

Quite simply, she might have thought she was ready to settle down, but isn't. Something was lost along the way and she wants the freedom she had before back. You didn't do anything necessarily wrong other than maybe get comfortable, which is an inevitable thing for most people in relationships when they live together.

 

If her reaction to this "issue" is to leave for a week, then she's not ready.

 

Take this information as you will. But as you said, you are powerless. She knows it.

[tylerj]

Yeah we broke up.

 

I actually reached out to her yesterday and told her I wasn't sure I'd be ready to talk on Friday. I didn't tell her why but I felt like, upon reflection, I needed to consider if she were to come back whether I'd trust her to stay.

 

She started a FaceTime. She seemed confused by me now asking for space, said she was coming back Friday anyway as she needed more things, and would talk to me then anyway. I said she didn't have right to just walk in and out like that as she'd chosen to run away. Then she got incredibly angry, like I've never seen before, screaming loads of incoherent stuff. Then apologised. I thought that would be it until Friday.

 

20 minutes later she comes storming through the door, and gives me a hug. Like a really tight, emotional hug. All the time she is shaking.

 

Then she asks me to sit down, and says she can't be with me.

 

It got heated again, I said if she's chosen to leave she can't just expect free reign to march back in and out of this place to collect things. I was angry and smashed a glass jar on the kitchen floor in frustration. Some other stuff happened but not of significance. She's gone.

 

I've taken some time off work to go and see my family and friends.

 

She had checked out of the relationship, no idea why. Some of the things I have seen suggests she still wasn't mentally stable (she'd had a breakdown before we met and suffered panic attacks/anxiety previously).

 

Sometimes during our relationship I did feel she came across a little crazy.

 

I love her. I feel really sad and scared. Part of me is also just scared of being alone. All my friends are married. But I also feel I deserve better than her. I hope that wil help me through this.

 

No contact isn't an option for me yet. We have our home to sort out, bills, a joint bank account (used for bills only) to close.

 

Life sucks

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to hear that dude. At least you're not in limbo any more. Knowing the truth is better than not knowing, any day of the week.

 

She is clearly upset that you have suddenly grown a backbone and aren't taking her sh#t any more. She obviously knew this split was permanent from the start and you're right, she wanted to carry on using the house as a drop-in centre and storage facility. Typical have your cake and eat it situation. Now you need to watch your back and lock down your finances. Make sure she can't clear out the joint account and leave you deep in overdraft. Make sure she can't run up huge joint credit card bills, etc. Total financial lockdown. You need to look after yourself here. She has shown that she is totally crazy, and crazy people do crazy illogical things.

 

Changing the locks would be high on my priority list as well. You never know when she's going to come back to "collect her half of the household items".

 

If you can't to NC then you should limit contact as much as possible, and restrict it to practicalities of your split. Do not engage in any personal conversations. You are only interested in the business of sorting out the house etc.

[Diezel]

She got mad because you took the control out of her hands. She wanted to do it on her own terms.

 

See how quickly she came over when you did that? See how available she was?

 

And then see how she immediately shifted it to it being HER decision? She didn't want to get dumped by you, she wanted to be the one to do it.

 

You might have financial stuff to sort out, but trust me, you dodged a bullet.

 

Not only might she be crazy, but if you reacted by breaking something, then clearly you two weren't good for each other in the long-term. Sort your stuff out, move on in life.

 

Take this to be a new chapter in your life.

[tylerj]

She rang my mum immediately after we broke up and left. My mum didn't know anything at this point (my now-ex knew that) and I was trying to ring my mum but couldn't get through. My mum said she was largely incoherent - crying a lot on the phone and frustrated that I made it clear to her that if she moved out she couldn't just come and go as she pleased.

 

She then sent my mum a long-winded message about how we had a violent verbal argument and how I was apparently being emotionally abusive in our interactions.

 

She instigated the argument by initiating the FaceTime and if anything was being emotionally abusive by running away, getting mad at me over FaceTime when I told her my needs, and then storming over and giving me such mixed signals by hugging me and apologising intensely upon arrival, then breaking up with me.

 

I'm venting on here, because I know talking to her will achieve nothing but more arguing at this stage.

 

I'm staying at my parents - I had to get away. I understand she is picking up her stuff today.

[Diezel]

She called your mom???!!!???

 

How childish and immature can a person be?

 

Can you SEE now how much of a bullet you dodged?

[tylerj]

She called your mom???!!!???

 

How childish and immature can a person be?

 

Can you SEE now how much of a bullet you dodged?

 

Kinda.

 

Still, it was the best relationship I've ever had, in terms of being happy with day to day life, things in common, sex etc. We were one of those couples that everybody commented on how happy we looked.

 

This sucks so much.

[Diezel]

Yeah, it was all happy in Fantasy Land until you two moved in together and she realized Fantasy Land didn't exist anymore.

 

She just showed you her true colors, man.

[tylerj]

Hey – thanks for all the advice I’ve read on this forum so far.

 

 

 

There is another topic on the initial break and situation, which I think in my panicked state I probably didn't give all the necessary details.

 

It was a whirlwind romance, one of those situations where we spend nearly all our time together and have nearly everything in common (Same hobbies, food, tv shows, likes/dislikes). We moved in together after 11 months of practically living together already. We had some issues around communication, which we went to couples counselling for (we're both very open people to that kind of help, so I never took it as a warning sign). I had trust issues early on in the relationship as she lied to me and failed to keep some secrets - these were all addressed in counselling and I felt resolved.

 

 

 

She had some maturity issues and communication issues, as explored in counselling, because her mum was never there for her when she was younger, she felt it really difficult to open up to me (her default was to talk to friends about everything) - this was something that counselling addressed and I thought was fixed, although probably not in hindsight. The output of the counselling was focussed on allowing us to open up to one another and be there for one another, which I felt we very much were.

 

 

 

Recent weeks

 

 

 

Recently she became very stressed about work and her very unwell grandma. She lashed out once and said she wished she wasn’t alive. I don’t think it was really meant that way. No anger or dissatisfaction was expressed about me except on a couple of occasions she seemed disappointed I'd not suggested activities to do together at weekends, but that's probably me just looking for things. She was going to bed earlier and taking more naps and rejected a couple of suggestions from me in the last week of our together time because she was too tired from work.

 

 

 

We were away from each other two weekends ago. She said she really missed me and wished I were with her. We had sex that night and it was amazing, as usual. No sense of anything wrong. Counselling finished on the Monday 13th April and we were both incredibly optimistic. She continued to tell me she was happy, all week.

 

 

 

The break

 

 

 

At the end of that week, she sat me down and said, very panicked 'I can't re-sign the contract on the flat. There's too much pressure, I just can't do it', and burst into tears. One of the revelations of the counselling was that she’d get overwhelmed by thoughts of negativity and panic. To me this was a shock, as a) the contract still runs for 4.5 months and no decision would need to be taken for 3 months, and b) I had no idea what she meant by this.

 

 

 

In my shell-shocked state I turned around and fumbled into bed. She said sorry, grabbed a bag of things and went to stay at her mums.

 

 

 

Relatively calmly, I messaged her the following morning, asking her to come home so we can talk. She expressed a few things - how she felt in the last few weeks some of the spark was gone, that the relationship had been too hard, that she felt I wasn't enthusiastic about doing things with her anymore and we’d just lay on the sofa watching tv. I reached out to re-assure her, saying that because she'd been stressed I was trying to be there for her by making her comfortable at home. I felt she was enjoying cuddling up to me on the sofa (she said she was!) rather than spending time doing other things, as she'd never expressed anything differently. She said she never realised these things, that she regrets not communicating better, and that it made her sad she was finding out now, but that she still needed space to think about things and making a decision for the right reason. She told me she still loved me. She took more things and headed to her mums for more space.

 

 

 

My failings

 

 

 

I failed to give her as much space as she'd needed. Counselling taught us to be open with our feelings and needs and not to run away. I reached out more than she wanted. She wasn't able to be there for me and resented me for reaching out. By the following Wednesday, I was in a horrible panicked state of feeling the relationship was doomed, but if it wasn't, I was feeling how could I ever trust her if she ran away. I reached out and told her I needed some space to think too. That I felt she couldn’t just run back and forwards like this. She got angry at me, screaming at me.

 

 

 

The breakup

 

 

 

She turned up 20 minutes later, gives me a giant emotional hug and apologises, says she is so sorry. I don’t feel like she’s about to break up with me. She then sits me down again and there's too much pressure and it’s over, all the while seemingly on the verge of a panic attack, shaking etc. I got angry, I was so confused. She left.

 

 

 

I left for my parents the following morning. On the Friday, she collected all her things and moved out officially. She lost some jewellery in the move and accused me of stealing them (via a text message to my mum).

 

 

 

My grandma subsequently found some of her jewellery yesterday, and I messaged her to say so. She seemed very apologetic that she’d accused me of stealing, and was unusually quick to reply in her messages, to thank us for looking. This surprised me as she made it clear she was only going to speak to my mum.

 

 

 

She has also suggested we speak on the phone on Friday evening ‘to discuss things’

 

 

 

Where I really need advice

 

 

 

I don't really feel like things are resolved in my mind, at all. I have felt like everything has been a big panicked rush that has become needlessly messy for both of us. We have a lot to sort out – cancelling the tenancy, settling bills, dividing joint possessions, closing a joint bank account, cleaning out the flat.

 

 

 

1. I don't want to close the door on 2nd chances. When she talks to me on Friday I don’t know if I should talk to her about this. I have never understood the pressure she feels she was under. I’d be open to us going back to dating as we did before, as perhaps we did move in too fast. But do I say any of this? She has always seemed open minded to things. Do I ask her outright if the door is completely closed on us? Do I ask what she wants from me going forwards.

 

 

 

2. I feel like, mentally, I need to get some answers on how I've ended up in this situation. It did really help after my last serious breakup. Is it my place to ask her on this phone call?

 

 

 

3. Do I mention any of her failings in all of this, or perhaps how some of the things she has done (such as screaming at me then hugging me) have really given me such mixed signals.

 

Both me and my family know and agree that at the very least things need to remain amicable until all our financial stuff is resolved. And yes, maybe in time I will realise/think that she is crazy but I’m not there yet. I’m sorry

Edited April 29, 2015 by tylerj
formatting messed up?

[hunk]

Whatever "stress" and "pressure" she claims she's under is her way of hiding from you and probably herself the reality that she doesn't feel the same way about you or your relationship anymore. "Pressure" is just code for "I'm really trying to end this relationship but it's hard for me and I wish I didn't have to do it but I can't do this any longer". Essentially the feelings are gone for her and she's told you this. She's not in some state of mind where she's making snap decisions she doesn't understand on a whim - this has all been building up for a long time. She doesn't want the relationship anymore and what you should be taking from all of this is that she told you it's over. She wouldn't just SAY that without meaning it. Try and see it from that perspective.

 

If I were in your position I would proactively tell her you agree with the break up and immediately go into no contact. A phone call isn't necessary unless it's for logistics about the apartment etc. The call you have planned is just gonna be you sitting there while she castrates you on the other line, giving you the "it's just too much for me right now, i just need to be by myself, i really do love you though" spiel while you desperately fumble for an explanation and try to reassure her that you can fix things.

 

The most crucial thing you need to understand is that it's over, and you will not get the closure you want. She won't give you the real reasons for ending things - which is that she gradually fell out love with you. It just happens. The relationship got complacent and boring and she checked out.

 

Go into damage control now and try to shut your emotions off as best as you can while you sort out the financial side of things. You'll be fine, we've all been here and most of us are probably going to be here again at least a few more times in our lives.

[Chi townD]

I really can't add to what Hunk said. He pretty much spelled it out for you. Unfortunately, it wasn't what you wanted to hear. But, I agree. You need to go NC on her. he's already made up her mind and you're going to have to move on. Heal and move on from this. You need to block her on all social media.