No contact isn't yet possible... what do I do? I feel so unresolved. [update]

April 20, 2015

So, I'm 31, she's 26, we met in September 2013, moved in together in August 2014, and have had what I consider to be quite a healthy relationship. Sure we've had a few disagreements and arguments like every couple, and there have been challenges in getting her to open up to me emotionally which we've worked on, but the rest of the relationship has been littered with fun moments and security and happiness at home. That was frequently communicated to one another as recently as Thursday.

And then Friday arrived. I got home from work and she sat me down for an emotional conversation, and said the pressure of us living together was too much, she didn't know if she was happy or as happy as she should be, and she missed the earlier parts of our relationship where we did more stuff too. I told her I missed that too, but I felt like with her being stressed over work and family (grandparents dying recently) she was often too tired and drained to do much, so that wasn't a fair criticism.

It just seems she let a whole load of things build up, and now she's gone to stay at her mum's for 'maybe a week' to take the 'space to work out what she wants as her mind right now is full of worries and fear'.

I've not contacted her since Sunday and won't until I hear from her. I've let her know where I stand - and that I feel if she isn't happy with things she needs to let me know rather than misleading me, whilst offering some suggestions as to what we do.

I am incredibly frustrated though, and feel incredibly lonely/upset.

Why didn't she communicate better?

What can I do now?

April 20, 2015

Sorry to hear this.

It's up to you whether you want to go on a roller coaster ride with her. It sounds like it could possibly be the beginning of one. I know this is hard however I have just come out of something similar with my ex coming back & pulling away. saying she loves me but wan't sure if we had a future together.

I cut my loses & got out. It just wasn't fun no more. I asked myself whether I was happy or sad most of the time in the end. My answer was sad. I looked back to the good times & they were the past. I couldn't bring back those happy times of us just wanting to be together & enjoying each others company like we use to.

I know it's not easy. Wishing you the best.

April 20, 2015

"Trial separation" huh. Generally when things get that bad it's a pretty bad sign. As you say, someone who is committed tot he relationship should work to fix the issues rather than running away.

Generally when someone moves out or requests a break or "space", it is a test drive of a breakup.

What can you do? Well, give her what she wants. Do not contact or speak to her until she has thought about what she wants and resolved that worry and fear that she says she's feeling. Give her the week she asked for, then see what her decision is.

April 20, 2015

#1: Be glad you didn't marry her yet.

#2: Don't ever marry this woman.

#3: If her response to stress is running back to mommy's house while in an adult relationship, get ready... you're all aboard the SS Drama from now on. I don't even want to know what she's telling her mom about the reason for her coming back for a week.

Personally, I'd take this as a break-up.

April 20, 2015

Sorry to hear this.

It's up to you whether you want to go on a roller coaster ride with her. It sounds like it could possibly be the beginning of one. I know this is hard however I have just come out of something similar with my ex coming back & pulling away. saying she loves me but wan't sure if we had a future together.

I cut my loses & got out. It just wasn't fun no more. I asked myself whether I was happy or sad most of the time in the end. My answer was sad. I looked back to the good times & they were the past. I couldn't bring back those happy times of us just wanting to be together & enjoying each others company like we use to.

I know it's not easy. Wishing you the best.

Yeah that's what she said, she loves me but she is not certain of the future.

The most frustrating bit is all the things she complained about when she did open up to me, were things she's mainly the culprit of introducing. Like saying she wants to do more things at weekends, when only a few weeks ago she was complaining our weekends were always full and how it was too stressful, wanting to do more on weekday evenings, when she'll come home from work, rant about her day and take a nap.

I didn't mind those things, but I find it offensive that she then claims to have been unhappy with me for them.

Part of me almost wants to reach out and tell her to come home. All her stuff is here anyway, and we're committed contractually until August, so things will be messy. She can't just run away and not confront this. But then I'd not be giving her the space.

It is her first serious long term relationship, which may have some bearing on her naivety but I do worry that it is over.

April 20, 2015

Yeah that's what she said, she loves me but she is not certain of the future.

The most frustrating bit is all the things she complained about when she did open up to me, were things she's mainly the culprit of introducing. Like saying she wants to do more things at weekends, when only a few weeks ago she was complaining our weekends were always full and how it was too stressful, wanting to do more on weekday evenings, when she'll come home from work, rant about her day and take a nap.

I didn't mind those things, but I find it offensive that she then claims to have been unhappy with me for them.

Part of me almost wants to reach out and tell her to come home. All her stuff is here anyway, and we're committed contractually until August, so things will be messy. She can't just run away and not confront this. But then I'd not be giving her the space.

It is her first serious long term relationship, which may have some bearing on her naivety but I do worry that it is over.

Basically it's up to you on how long you are prepared to live in limbo why you don't contact her & let her call the shots.

I did it for about a month going around in circles then had enough of uncertainty & decided to move on. Thing is I have a thread about it she was contacting me for 5 weeks straight after the breakup to get back together.

its been two days since I heard from her. I have stopped replying to her calls / texts.

April 20, 2015

Are there any thoughts as to whether its good or bad to reach out to her friends and family and ask if they can offer any advice?

Or just stay away?

April 20, 2015

Are there any thoughts as to whether its good or bad to reach out to her friends and family and ask if they can offer any advice?

They WILL tell her that you are reaching out to them.

It will NOT go over well.

April 20, 2015

IMO, at your age, handle your R issues amongst yourselves. Leave her be.

April 20, 2015

IMO, at your age, handle your R issues amongst yourselves. Leave her be.

I'd love to handle it between us but she's run away.

And you guys are right, it leaves me in limbo and isn't fair on me. Still, I don't know what the best course of action is, whether that is going to see her or just waiting for her to come back.

And thanks for all the replies so far.

April 20, 2015

IMO, these periods have value in reflecting on oneself and one's role in the relationship, learning from one's own actions and errors and moving on to enjoy life outside of the relationship. The only person one can control is oneself. Every association is completely voluntary. Right now, she's demonstrated that she doesn't want to live with you, apparently. Go with that.

April 20, 2015

Maybe she feels she is too young for the pressure and stress of a relationship. It's not easy, maybe worth it, but certainly not easy. Some people want to prolong the process as long as possible. The same way some men would rather remain bachelors than enter into marriage.

April 20, 2015

Personally I would give her the week she has asked for. Meaning, don't talk to her, text or email or stalk her via friends/family etc. Total NC for a week. After that, if she doesn't contact you, give her a call and ask what she has decided. Anything other than an emphatic "yes", take it as a permanent break up and don't let her mess you around with any more indecision.

April 20, 2015

I am with Pete on this. Just stay quiet for the week.

But be ready. I don't think she will be coming back so grab some boxes and get ready to pack up her things.

This one is all over the place. Her words don't match, her actions don't match...

April 20, 2015

I am with Pete on this. Just stay quiet for the week.

But be ready. I don't think she will be coming back so grab some boxes and get ready to pack up her things.

This one is all over the place. Her words don't match, her actions don't match...

I wish it was as simple as a few boxes. Because its our first home together (we both lived in shared accommodation prior) most of the stuff we bought e.g. furniture, was bought jointly. Neither of us can afford to live here alone.

April 20, 2015

Don't worry about the logistics. That is just stuff.

Most important is to know what's going on with your relationship. Then you can take it from there.

April 20, 2015

Don't worry about the logistics. That is just stuff.

Most important is to know what's going on with your relationship. Then you can take it from there.

Yeah I guess so.

I've just always been brought up with communication being so important. I'm really struggling with not knowing what's going on. I've taken a day of work because I'm sick because of it

April 20, 2015

Yeah I guess so.

I've just always been brought up with communication being so important. I'm really struggling with not knowing what's going on. I've taken a day of work because I'm sick because of it

You were, but it doesn't mean she is on that level with you.

In all honesty, she actually DID communicate, although way too late. She probably felt that pressure from the beginning.

Honestly, that's a point you would have to make with her too, that she needs to speak up SOONER, but that's not who she is.

Take the week to be on your own, although technically she said "MAYBE a week". Who knows what she meant, but in my mind... this relationship is already in serious trouble.

April 20, 2015

And then Friday arrived. I got home from work and she sat me down for an emotional conversation, and said the pressure of us living together was too much, she didn't know if she was happy or as happy as she should be, and she missed the earlier parts of our relationship where we did more stuff too. I told her I missed that too, but I felt like with her being stressed over work and family (grandparents dying recently) she was often too tired and drained to do much, so that wasn't a fair criticism.

This really stands out at me - could you expand on it? How often did the two of you actually go out and do things together? And did she often turn you down when you suggested going out on a date?

IMO a rut that couples who are living together often fall into is forgetting to continue to date each other. If at all possible (no kids, no conflicting schedules etc), a couple of outside-dates per week would be a good idea. Doing things together at home is great, but it's a different thing, not a substitute for real dates.

That being said I agree that she should have talked to you about solving this rather than hit you over the head and run away like this. Don't get the family and friends involved - if she is at all interested in saving the R she will listen to you of her own accord after a short while. If she isn't, do the best you can to move on. Can you sublet the room?

April 20, 2015

This really stands out at me - could you expand on it? How often did the two of you actually go out and do things together? And did she often turn you down when you suggested going out on a date?

IMO a rut that couples who are living together often fall into is forgetting to continue to date each other. If at all possible (no kids, no conflicting schedules etc), a couple of outside-dates per week would be a good idea. Doing things together at home is great, but it's a different thing, not a substitute for real dates.

That being said I agree that she should have talked to you about solving this rather than hit you over the head and run away like this. Don't get the family and friends involved - if she is at all interested in saving the R she will listen to you of her own accord after a short while. If she isn't, do the best you can to move on. Can you sublet the room?

I guess before we moved in we would go out 2-3 times a week (dinner, drinks or cinema) and usually do something substantial at the weekend (E.g. go away somewhere) but whilst living together that probably turned out to be maybe one week night at most and maybe one day of the weekend. She has spent a lot of time visiting her grandma in hospital which kinda side-tracked things, too.

I did suggest things, but often she was 'too tired', 'too stressed' and just wanted to cuddle on the sofa. I was ok with that, as I'm comfortable with it and felt like that's what she wanted.

It kind of feels like a betrayal when I look at it objectively.

(To answer your other question, no sub-letting would not be possible)

April 20, 2015

A couple of things.

1. Although I said I'd not contact her, we have a bill due today and I can't afford to pay it alone. Am I ok to message her about paying me the half the money (normally we'd split them anyway)?

2. The more I sit here waiting to know what happens with our relationship the less optimistic I become. I really feel like I need to be assertive and tell her I'm going to see her or she needs to come and see me to talk. The longer things drag out the worse I will feel and I don't want to resent her if she wants to come back. But I don't want to just be left strung along either.

April 20, 2015

Is there a friend or family member that can loan you the money for now?

I think you need to be patient, and wait.

April 20, 2015

Is there a friend or family member that can loan you the money for now?

I think you need to be patient, and wait.

No there's not really (my family are a few hours away and online banking / internet illiterate and I don't really want to borrow from friends.

April 20, 2015

Part of me is thinking you want to use the bill as a way to reach out to her. I'd be looking for other alternatives in the meantime.

April 20, 2015

I went through something similar with my ex. He didn't move out, but he did start feeling like living together was too much pressure on the relationship and he wasn't sure anymore if he was staying with me because he loved me or because we had a lease. Of course, there were lots of other issues going on so this may be very different.

Give her space, she may just need that to figure out what she really wants. Hopefully it's you, and she'll realize she misses you and come back and work on things. But if not, at least you'll know that you're not being misled, which is honestly a lot worse than breaking up.

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No contact isn't yet possible... what do I do? I feel so unresolved. [update]

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