difficult_decisions Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Hi all, I've been falling pretty fast for this girl that I've been seeing for a few weeks now. This isn't your traditional dating sequence of meeting up once every weekend to grab dinner/drinks. I've seen this girl almost every other day. We have instant chemistry. She would call/text/facetime me everyday. We would facetime for hours and sometimes even fall asleep with it on. She's stayed over at my place a few times already too. I know you're all gonna say this is WAY too fast, and I have to agree, but I really like this girl for some reason. The part that bothers me is that she reciprocates all these feelings, sometimes more than I do, but isn't ready to be exclusive. She says she isn't seeing anyone else and that she would mind it if I was seeing others as well. I basically have my hands tied behind my back, because I don't want her to see other people either, but she says she needs to "feeling it out" because there is "something missing" in order to commit. We have all this going on, and she still can't make up her mind? Should I just be patient and ride it out with her? I don't want to keep expecting much out of this, but I've been around her so much that I got attached too quickly. What should I do now?
neowulf Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Should I just be patient and ride it out with her? I don't want to keep expecting much out of this, but I've been around her so much that I got attached too quickly. What should I do now? You're going to hate this, but I'll say it anyway. You're giving her zero reason to commit to you further. Why would she? She's getting all her needs met right now, without the level of commitment you're asking for. My advice? Slow things riiiight back down. No more long conversations. No more texting every day. Pull back and let her understand that if she wants the "boyfriend experience" with you, then she'll damn well have to commit. If she bails, then good. You dodged a bullet, because she was clearly keeping you around for ego stroking. Otherwise, perhaps she'll decide "oh, if I don't commit, this guy is going to run off and I'll miss out!". 3
Author difficult_decisions Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 You're going to hate this, but I'll say it anyway. You're giving her zero reason to commit to you further. Why would she? She's getting all her needs met right now, without the level of commitment you're asking for. My advice? Slow things riiiight back down. No more long conversations. No more texting every day. Pull back and let her understand that if she wants the "boyfriend experience" with you, then she'll damn well have to commit. If she bails, then good. You dodged a bullet, because she was clearly keeping you around for ego stroking. Otherwise, perhaps she'll decide "oh, if I don't commit, this guy is going to run off and I'll miss out!". Yeah. You made a great point. I made a mistake last night to drive her to place with flowers too. I'm basically playing the boyfriend role without her commitment. How would you recommend me to slow down? Should I ignore her texts and become more distant? Then when she asks what's up, I'll tell her about it? I think I'm trying to hard to help her find what's "missing" But I'm just scared if I turn cold shoulder, she'll get defensive and everything.
Gary S Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 You don't have a relationship for at least two months.
smackie9 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Good lord it's only been a few weeks....just go with the flow for now, and relax. It's possible she knows at this time she is infatuated, and is not wanting to take this serious getting herself in trouble emotionally....she's trying to keep a clear head and not fall for the wrong guy again from what I see. Trust your instincts....if it feels right, then most likely it is. You don't need to "slow down" per say, just don't let things progress any further emotionally than they already are....keep it light and casual. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Hi all, I've been falling pretty fast for this girl that I've been seeing for a few weeks now. This isn't your traditional dating sequence of meeting up once every weekend to grab dinner/drinks. I've seen this girl almost every other day. We have instant chemistry. She would call/text/facetime me everyday. We would facetime for hours and sometimes even fall asleep with it on. She's stayed over at my place a few times already too. I know you're all gonna say this is WAY too fast, and I have to agree, but I really like this girl for some reason. The part that bothers me is that she reciprocates all these feelings, sometimes more than I do, but isn't ready to be exclusive. She says she isn't seeing anyone else and that she would mind it if I was seeing others as well. I basically have my hands tied behind my back, because I don't want her to see other people either, but she says she needs to "feeling it out" because there is "something missing" in order to commit. We have all this going on, and she still can't make up her mind? Should I just be patient and ride it out with her? I don't want to keep expecting much out of this, but I've been around her so much that I got attached too quickly. What should I do now? She doesn't want exclusivity yet, and, it sounds like you may have been intimate? I'm not liking that scenario. If she's being intimate with you, she should be expecting exclusivity. The period of exclusivity is the point at which she should be focusing on you for the purpose of being able to see more clearly what may be missing or to see if that missing something develops. She's not seeing other people and doesn't want you to see other people but doesn't want exclusivity. That is a contradiction. She clearly doesn't know what she wants but wants you to be in a holding pattern for her. Go out and date other people. I'd back off a little for your own sake. You can continue to date her, but not as often and create a little space. 1
El Pallasso Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) What neowulf said. She's already getting all the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one so she has no reason to commit to you. It's like a girl having sex with a guy and doing girlfriend things for him without actually being in a relationship. He's already getting all the benefits of one so he will have no reason to commit to her. You need to stop all these ten hour conversations and seeing each other every other day and what not. You're not making her work for you. She's using you for an emotional tampon and when an attractive man that gives her a challenge comes along, best believe she will go cold on your a$$ and leave you in the dark. BTW, when you start fading away from her, she will notice the decreasing emotional validation and attention from you. She will ask you what's wrong. Say nothing. She might try to seduce you or talk about relationships and what not. All it is, is an attempt to see if she still has power over you. You'll be best served by casually dismissing them. Edited April 29, 2015 by El Pallasso
fitnessfan365 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 This is the second guy on here in the last few days that wants commitment after two weeks. In my opinion, there are two main problems in today's dating world. 1) Lack of patience - Technology has created much shorter attention spans. So society as a whole has become focused on instant gratification. Whether it's wanting immediate success without paying your dues and working hard, or latching onto a person and wanting a relationship in a month or less, etc.. Keep things simple, live in the moment, and focus on the journey with a woman. Not the end result. 2) Reversed gender roles - More and more men are acting like women rushing for commitment. Masculine energy is about taking action to make a woman feel comfortable, safe, and appreciated. All you really need to do is be consistent in her life, live by your actions, and plan dates where you have fun and hook up. This causes her to trust your masculine core, and embrace her feminine nature to want commitment. ** Watch any old movie from back in the day, or listen to the stories your grandparents, parents, relatives, etc tell. It was ALWAYS the woman coming up with ways to get the guy to commit. It was ALWAYS the woman wondering when the guy will pop the question, etc.. It goes against the natural order for a guy to be chasing after a woman to lock her down. A lot of women by nature are monogamous. They don't want to bang every guy in sight. They want a connection to share themselves with one man. So when they find the right guy for them, it's in their nature to make an effort to get him to commit. Now some women will read this and say that I am being a misogynist, or ask me what century I am living in, etc.. But what era has marriages that lasted for 40,50,60 years, etc and what era has 75% of marriages ending in divorce? 4
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I would taper off on the boyfriend stuff and go back to making your interaction with her easy-breezy. DON'T let her stay over at your place anymore. DON'T have decade-long convos on the phone or on FaceTime anymore. If a guy did this to me, I'd be confused. I'd be thinking: are we exclusive, or is this just the way he is with all the women he dates? I would have no reason to commit to a guy who behaved this way, although it would 'feel' awesome and 'right'. If you don't scale down the way you interact with this woman, she'll always be on perpetual 'not-ready-to-commit' mode until another guy comes along that makes her FACE the CHOICE of whether to commit to HIM or not. Guess which guy she's gonna end up choosing? . 1
Author difficult_decisions Posted April 30, 2015 Author Posted April 30, 2015 Thanks for the input and insight everyone. Good news is that my birthday is at the end of the week and I was planning on having her stay over, but I rather just go out with my friends for the night and hit her up the next day. What neowulf said. She's already getting all the benefits of a relationship without actually being in one so she has no reason to commit to you. It's like a girl having sex with a guy and doing girlfriend things for him without actually being in a relationship. He's already getting all the benefits of one so he will have no reason to commit to her. You need to stop all these ten hour conversations and seeing each other every other day and what not. You're not making her work for you. She's using you for an emotional tampon and when an attractive man that gives her a challenge comes along, best believe she will go cold on your a$$ and leave you in the dark. BTW, when you start fading away from her, she will notice the decreasing emotional validation and attention from you. She will ask you what's wrong. Say nothing. She might try to seduce you or talk about relationships and what not. All it is, is an attempt to see if she still has power over you. You'll be best served by casually dismissing them. When I start fading away from her, and start deflecting all her advancements, when will I know when I accomplished it. How will I know when I've got the commitment out of her after she passes my "challenges"? I guess that's the part I'm having a hard time trying to do. I can easily just start ignoring her, send short text messages, take hours to respond, but when should I go back to her when she starts acting up? Good lord it's only been a few weeks....just go with the flow for now, and relax. It's possible she knows at this time she is infatuated, and is not wanting to take this serious getting herself in trouble emotionally....she's trying to keep a clear head and not fall for the wrong guy again from what I see. Trust your instincts....if it feels right, then most likely it is. You don't need to "slow down" per say, just don't let things progress any further emotionally than they already are....keep it light and casual. Yes, I feel that way. She says she was afraid because she was taken advantaged of in the past, so I understand how she's hesitant. I trust her that she says she only dates one person at a time, but like everyone else is saying, once she meets someone new, she'll definitely choose that guy over me.
h0000 Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 She is not seeing other people doesnt mean she doesnt want to. Only means she hasnt met that guy she wants to see yet. In fact she told you wants to see other people
Author difficult_decisions Posted April 30, 2015 Author Posted April 30, 2015 Update We talked about this whole situation, and she noticed my insecurities about all of this and says that's bothering her. I don't know how any of this was turned onto me, now I'm frustrated with myself for doubting her and being insecure. She has me on a leash. Pathetic.
neowulf Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Update We talked about this whole situation, and she noticed my insecurities about all of this and says that's bothering her. I don't know how any of this was turned onto me, now I'm frustrated with myself for doubting her and being insecure. She has me on a leash. Pathetic. So.. question is, what are you going to do about it? We teach people how to treat us. If you tolerate her behaviour, you get what you're willing to accept. 1
Author difficult_decisions Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 So.. question is, what are you going to do about it? We teach people how to treat us. If you tolerate her behaviour, you get what you're willing to accept. I don't know what to do honestly. I have a gut feeling that she just isn't ready and just needs a little bit more time. In the meantime I'm making it harder for her to commit to me when I'm acting this way. I don't quite get the last part, can you explain?
fitnessfan365 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 I don't know what to do honestly. I have a gut feeling that she just isn't ready and just needs a little bit more time. In the meantime I'm making it harder for her to commit to me when I'm acting this way. I don't quite get the last part, can you explain? He's basically saying that you are the one choosing to spend time with this girl. So you either have to take her as is, or actually communicate your wants and be willing to walk if she can't give you what you need. Always do what's right for you in the end. Remember, she's just one girl out of billions on the planet and you've known her for two weeks. When you look at it that way, the stress you're causing yourself will seem silly in hindsight. 1
AppleKakes Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 My fav host on this radio station told a story of an older couple who like met in WWII or something. The guy gave the woman the ring too soon and she handed it right back to him. It wasn't that she didn't want him, but she wanted to make an informed decision in a mate. No, she didn't go sleeping around, but she took the time to work, date and when he came back from the war she knew she wanted him. I see a lot of people just jump and hook on anyone who shows them attention and they haven't spent the time to even get to know them. Even "if" this person at first sight shows qualities you like, slow and steady wins the race. I'd prefer a guy take the time to get to know me. If he's quick to get with me, I can't help but wonder if he was lonely/desperate/immature...even though I believe I have things a guy could appreciate. 1
Author difficult_decisions Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 He's basically saying that you are the one choosing to spend time with this girl. So you either have to take her as is, or actually communicate your wants and be willing to walk if she can't give you what you need. Always do what's right for you in the end. Remember, she's just one girl out of billions on the planet and you've known her for two weeks. When you look at it that way, the stress you're causing yourself will seem silly in hindsight. Got it. Thanks for the explanation. What are the chances that she'll actually commit? I'll need to prepare myself to walk away if need be.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 Wanting is longing. A little bit of mystery is key to developing those infatuation/crush feelings. You're not leaving enough time and space between seeing each other and talking for her to miss you, long for you, and want more. Pull the time and communication back. You have your own life and goals beyond her, yes? Shift some of your focus to those. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 1, 2015 Posted May 1, 2015 My fav host on this radio station told a story of an older couple who like met in WWII or something. The guy gave the woman the ring too soon and she handed it right back to him. It wasn't that she didn't want him, but she wanted to make an informed decision in a mate. No, she didn't go sleeping around, but she took the time to work, date and when he came back from the war she knew she wanted him. I see a lot of people just jump and hook on anyone who shows them attention and they haven't spent the time to even get to know them. Even "if" this person at first sight shows qualities you like, slow and steady wins the race. I'd prefer a guy take the time to get to know me. If he's quick to get with me, I can't help but wonder if he was lonely/desperate/immature...even though I believe I have things a guy could appreciate. This is all about managing emotions and expectations. In the very early stages of dating a new potential mate, there is an initial "endorphin high" that often clouds the ability to see the person clearly for who they are on a deeper level. When that cloud lifts, is when the relationship really begins to develop if it is going to. When that high dissipates, people often start questioning the level of their interest because their feet have touched the ground again. So if you are cognizant of that initial high period and managing it properly, you'll come out on the other side with a better understanding of "where" things are headed. Dating is a process not an event. If someone is making it an event in the very early stages, it will usually end as quickly as it started, or be a drawn out emotionally unsatisfying experience.
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