Frank2thepoint Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 What I don't understand about this whole supposed sexual compatibility thing is can't people just talk about this and come up with a logical plan of action? Like I don't know scheduling times to have sex or whatever? I've never been in a relationship myself but I'm pretty sure my advice makes sense. Couples that have a successful relationship do communicate and actually listen to each other's concerns. Not brush it off as OP's boyfriend. This thread is a perfect example of communication breakdown. One person is expressing concern, the other doesn't want to hear it. Scheduling sex is logically sound, but sexually unappealing. You can't really schedule sex, because sexual interest isn't something that can be completely controlled. But scheduling intimate time which would facilitate sex can be done. For example date night. 3
Toodaloo Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 True. He didn't move in so his mind is elsewhere. I got caught up in the general question, rather than the specifics of her situation. Bigger picture But if someone "agreed" to have sex with me on Sunday mornings... Nah sorry... Sex is spontaneous, fun... its not something to pop into your diary... That would be like scheduling hugs and kisses... Its not a chore! Hell it can even be used to make the chores more fun!!! I am now thinking about sex... This is not a good thing for me... Big sigh...
Gary S Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 There are 4 fundamental/basic needs for a woman: 1) Respect 2) Trust 3) Comfort 4) Security and often a 5th. That would be being made to feel like a woman and sexually desirable. This one, however, is often put on a "back burner" so to speak and often negotiable. Depending on your level of need in that area, it doesn't make or break a relationship necessarily. The first 4 are not negotiable. - The fifth one you are referring to is romance. There is also another, affection - which is what this thread is all about. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 What I don't understand about this whole supposed sexual compatibility thing is can't people just talk about this and come up with a logical plan of action? Like I don't know scheduling times to have sex or whatever? I've never been in a relationship myself but I'm pretty sure my advice makes sense. Actually having a "sex schedule" makes it feel like work. Part of what makes sex hot is the spontaneity. Let's say she goes shopping and brings home new workout shorts. You walk in as she's trying them on pulling them up over her thong. She sees how badly you want her, she gets turned on, flirting ensues, and then before long you're kissing and she's moaning as you rip her clothes off and throw her onto the bed. When you're completely in the moment and just let sex happen, it makes it really enjoyable.
Gary S Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 What I don't understand about this whole supposed sexual compatibility thing is can't people just talk about this and come up with a logical plan of action? Like I don't know scheduling times to have sex or whatever? I've never been in a relationship myself but I'm pretty sure my advice makes sense. - Scheduling is actually a good idea, and could help to get things back on track. I have heard of counselors recommending this. Also, many people have regularly scheduled date nights. So, it's actually a natural thing. Maybe you should be giving more advice here, Necris
Redhead14 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 - The fifth one you are referring to is romance. There is also another, affection - which is what this thread is all about. Affection doesn't make you feel like a woman/man, affection is the expression of your love for that person on daily, hourly, by the minute basis. That's about what happens in between periods of intimacy and helps to maintain a desire for intimacy. Being made to feel like a woman is about the affect she has on him sexually. If a woman sees that the man "wants" her and there is passion in him, she feels like a desireable woman. If a man is only interested in his own pleasure and doesn't want to please her and/or doesn't reach out for her because he's "turned on" by her, it doesn't matter how much affection he shows her in between. 1
Diezel Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 What I don't understand about this whole supposed sexual compatibility thing is can't people just talk about this and come up with a logical plan of action? Like I don't know scheduling times to have sex or whatever? I've never been in a relationship myself but I'm pretty sure my advice makes sense. Go to reddit and read Dead Bedrooms. Your piece of advice is usually the first thing everyone does, followed by 27 other options and courses of actions people take. Usually the best plan of action is the last one: Breaking up.
Necris Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Couples that have a successful relationship do communicate and actually listen to each other's concerns. Not brush it off as OP's boyfriend. This thread is a perfect example of communication breakdown. One person is expressing concern, the other doesn't want to hear it. Scheduling sex is logically sound, but sexually unappealing. You can't really schedule sex, because sexual interest isn't something that can be completely controlled. But scheduling intimate time which would facilitate sex can be done. For example date night. I also admit I've never had sex, but still I see no reason a couple can't just schedule sex, I mean sexual interest can't be that different from any other type of interest. People already schedule times to do essentially everything from going to a park to watching movies so why not sex especially with the busy lives many people live today? Actually having a "sex schedule" makes it feel like work. Part of what makes sex hot is the spontaneity. Let's say she goes shopping and brings home new workout shorts. You walk in as she's trying them on pulling them up over her thong. She sees how badly you want her, she gets turned on, flirting ensues, and then before long you're kissing and she's moaning as you rip her clothes off and throw her onto the bed. When you're completely in the moment and just let sex happen, it makes it really enjoyable. But what happens when you aren't a spontaneous person or your mind is preoccupied with something else so you don't notice these tiny hints? I never had sex but I'm pretty sure the pleasure would be the same rather if someone scheduled it or not. And I'd imagine especially for married couples it has to be scheduled since spontaneously having sex with your wife and the kids walking in would be pretty awkward to explain, though I guess if it happens enough, kids won't even care anymore lol.
whirl3daway Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Wow, that's terrible. I can't even imagine porn replacing the real thing. Honest question though. How adventurous and open are you in bed? Eh... this has nothing to do with a person who genuinely prefers porn to real intimacy. I'm very openminded and adventurous in bed, but my ex-fiance had a legitimate porn addiction where he would often turn me down for sex to jerk off, jerk off anytime I left the house, would jerk off at work, would jerk off when I was in the shower, basically anytime I was gone. I wanted to have sex every day, but he just wanted to f#ck his hand. He has severe intimacy issues, and has "walls" up that are 10 feet tall. There was no breaking that down, regardless of how much lingerie I wore or surprise BJs I offered.
Redhead14 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I also admit I've never had sex, but still I see no reason a couple can't just schedule sex, I mean sexual interest can't be that different from any other type of interest. People already schedule times to do essentially everything from going to a park to watching movies so why not sex especially with the busy lives many people live today? But what happens when you aren't a spontaneous person or your mind is preoccupied with something else so you don't notice these tiny hints? I never had sex but I'm pretty sure the pleasure would be the same rather if someone scheduled it or not. And I'd imagine especially for married couples it has to be scheduled since spontaneously having sex with your wife and the kids walking in would be pretty awkward to explain, though I guess if it happens enough, kids won't even care anymore lol. I mean sexual interest can't be that different from any other type of interest. -- It better be. It's the most intimate and significant level of trust between partners. It is the only thing that distinguishes a loving, caring, bonded relationship from all other relationships in a persons life.
Necris Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 - Scheduling is actually a good idea, and could help to get things back on track. I have heard of counselors recommending this. Also, many people have regularly scheduled date nights. So, it's actually a natural thing. Maybe you should be giving more advice here, Necris Glad someone agrees. Maybe I should dispense my wisdom here more often.
Author Chooo Posted April 30, 2015 Author Posted April 30, 2015 You communicated your concern, he avoids it, doesn't try, and de-prioritizes you. On top of that, he is selfish during sex, and sex is highly infrequent. To add even more insult to injury, he didn't want to move in with you even after being together for 4 years. I'd give the same advice to you whether you are 23 or 43. Break up with the loser. Just end it quick. Tell him you guys are not compatible and have grown tremendously apart. Don't waste anymore time on this guy that takes you for granted and doesn't even appreciate you. Please don't try to make excuses for him either. You would be deluding yourself. Go find yourself a man that appreciates you. Firstly, can't thank you guys enough for the advice as I was so confused and felt bad for ending things with him. When I did break up with him (over the phone as I was miles away and couldn't avoid it) he cried a lotttttt and it was awful. I do know that he really loves me and isn't seeing someone else - but I have asked if he thinks he may be gay (I'm bisexual so I thought I could be there for him if he was) but he says he isn't. I tried to get him to see a doctor but he always made excuses - once he went in and ended up just sorting out other medical issues rather than that one! Anyway, I really think the issue is that he is either: A mega workaholic who just thinks about his status and worth Has a hormonal imbalance or a mental disorder Or gay. But I'm gonna take your advice and move on because I've felt like an old married couple for too long - OAP's probably have more sex actually. It's gonna be so hard finding someone who wants me emotionally AND sexually but hopefully I'll be a lot happier. Keep you posted, thanks again 1
fitnessfan365 Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Eh... this has nothing to do with a person who genuinely prefers porn to real intimacy. I'm very openminded and adventurous in bed, but my ex-fiance had a legitimate porn addiction where he would often turn me down for sex to jerk off, jerk off anytime I left the house, would jerk off at work, would jerk off when I was in the shower, basically anytime I was gone. I wanted to have sex every day, but he just wanted to f#ck his hand. He has severe intimacy issues, and has "walls" up that are 10 feet tall. There was no breaking that down, regardless of how much lingerie I wore or surprise BJs I offered. Wow with your high sex drive, adventurous personality, and fit body from regular exercise, he is out of his mind. Love your "squat" tank top BTW. As a personal trainer, I got a kick out of it. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 You did a good thing by ending the relationship. It's a huge step in the right direction for you. Just learn from the experience and don't be afraid to have boundaries and reasonable requirements for a future relationship. Also, learn to walk away sooner when things are going really bad. I tried to get him to see a doctor but he always made excuses - once he went in and ended up just sorting out other medical issues rather than that one! Anyway, I really think the issue is that he is either: A mega workaholic who just thinks about his status and worth Has a hormonal imbalance or a mental disorder Or gay. Unfortunately it is not your responsibility to figure out his situation. Never make it your responsibility at all. The most you can do is be supportive and understanding, especially if the person is taking measures to improve. The rest lies on the person with the issue. In the case of your now ex-boyfriend, he was his own enemy. He placed barriers in front of himself, because he didn't care about resolving the issue. Like you said, he made excuses. The consequence of his inaction also lead him to take you for granted, even dismiss your concerns. That type of attitude and behavior is not conducive to a healthy relationship. Again, you made a good decision with breaking up with him. I suggest going no contact as well. Delete all contact information and never answer any of his calls or messages. You need some time to heal and move on.
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