Chooo Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I've been with this guy for 4 years - I'm 23 and he's 21. At the beginning we were sort of long distance as we were 2-3 hours apart. He's like my best friend - able to talk about anything, laugh all the time, understand one another, he loves to cuddle and kiss, always very sweet, and he's always been there for me in times of need. He genuinely is great in bed, and at first it was amazing, but after 6 months of being together he was always 'too tired'. I just thought it was due to him being at uni, but after graduating a year ago he's still a workaholic and always ends up too 'sleepy'. I've spoken to him about this SO many times over the past few years and tried to come up with solutions and told him things that I like, but he's just all 'it'll be fine, we'll work it out, don't worry' and then doesn't make any effort. It's usually always me pleasing him instead and we ended up having sex once every 2-4 months... He moved location for a job and I followed him, but he didn't want to move in with me so I ended up living with strangers (who I'm best friends with now thankfully) while he's living with his parents all cushy haha! After living here for 6 months I've realised that the romance is completely dead because he doesn't make any effort, and I'm tired of feeling not wanted sexually because I've always had a high sex drive... I decided to have a 'break' with him about 2 months ago but we still talk, we just haven't slept in the same bed or obviously done anything sexual. I've been interested in other guys but haven't done anything - even though it's difficult and tempting I'm trying to get to know people first (but every guy I've met has had some negative issue about them that I don't like!) So basically what I'm trying to say is: Do I stay 'comfortable' with someone I trust and love - but don't find sexually attractive anymore because of his lack of libido? Or is the grass going to be greener on the other side? I don't know what to do
GTR King Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 well thats up to you... You gotta like him in every way. if your not attracted to him anymore & the spark has gone then best to move on... you both gotta be happy.
Diezel Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 You are way too young to be dealing with something like this. Break up with him. Find someone you are more compatible with. 6
Gary S Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I have a rule for relationships.... give your partner sex and affection whenever they want it. It's not difficult and solves a lot of problems, like this one. 3
Timshel Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 So basically what I'm trying to say is: Do I stay 'comfortable' with someone I trust and love - but don't find sexually attractive anymore because of his lack of libido? Or is the grass going to be greener on the other side? I don't know what to do You are both young. Keep him in your life as a friend. Sexual compatibility ends up being remarkably important through many more years of your lives. You both have lots yet to explore. Wait until you are infirm to sacrifice fulfilling sex in your relationship. 3
jen1447 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Sexual incompatibility has the potential to nearly ruin your life, so no, don't settle on that. 9
neowulf Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Sexual incompatibility has the potential to nearly ruin your life, so no, don't settle on that. Having lost my most recent relationship to this... I completely agree. We got along great, were highly compatible and agreeable in all other aspects of our relationship. Sexually, we just didn't gel. Didn't matter what we did. You're young OP. It's hard to swallow, but you have a long life ahead of you. Best to get on with living it.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 If he's 21 and too tired, hes probably getting sex elsewhere. 1
PogoStick Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 You gave it a real try and he's not holding up his side. It's time to end it for good. Don't settle for comfortable. The first thing you should do is go have a wild one night stand. Go get the action you desire! Then work on finding a guy you're compatible with.
loveweary11 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I see this so differently than everyone on this forum. This question comes up over and over. It's very hard to find someone you connect well with on an emotional and personal level. Much harder than finding the next person to bang. Also, compatibility, not sex, is what gets you through to old age. If I were in this situation, I'd just lay some ground rules down: 1) We do whatever a certain number of times a month or... 2) It's an open relationship and my sexual needs will be met elsewhere, but our trust is not broken
neowulf Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I see this so differently than everyone on this forum. This question comes up over and over. It's very hard to find someone you connect well with on an emotional and personal level. Much harder than finding the next person to bang. Also, compatibility, not sex, is what gets you through to old age. If I were in this situation, I'd just lay some ground rules down: 1) We do whatever a certain number of times a month or... 2) It's an open relationship and my sexual needs will be met elsewhere, but our trust is not broken Everyone has different value systems. If both people in a relationship are happy to "do with less", that's fine. But usually that isn't the case. Usually the partner who wants more sex ends up having to suppress themselves, or entertain the idea of taking a lover. I agree it's hard to find a good combination of both physical and emotional compatiablity. Notice however that I didn't say "impossible". 3
El Pallasso Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 You can't have your cake and eat it. You either dump him and date the other guys you're interested him or you stay with him and stop talking to other guys. 1
SweetKat Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 If he's 21 and too tired, hes probably getting sex elsewhere. My exboyfriend was a porn addict. no interest in sex just fapping. dealbreaker
fitnessfan365 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) Sexual incompatibility has the potential to nearly ruin your life, so no, don't settle on that. Loved this post. But it's funny because when a guy comments on how important sexual compatibility is, he only wants sex. When a woman says the same thing, it comes off as charming. Just one of the many strange powers women have. My exboyfriend was a porn addict. no interest in sex just fapping. dealbreaker Wow, that's terrible. I can't even imagine porn replacing the real thing. Honest question though. How adventurous and open are you in bed? Edited April 29, 2015 by fitnessfan365
baco Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Is he on any medication or depressed, how regular was sex in the begining of the relantionship, is the lack of libido recent or he has always been like that ? I ask this because only wanting sex every 2 - 4 months in a 21 yo old does not seem very usual, so maybe before making any decisions you should talk to him about going to a doctor, there may be some underlying cause to his lack of libido. Sexual incompatibility usually leads to breakups if couples can't make a compromise that satisfies both parties. You are both very young so you really have to ask yourself and answer honestly if you see yourself living the rest of your life with little to no sex.
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 If he's 21 and too tired, hes probably getting sex elsewhere. True. And not necessarily from women either. :bunny: 2
SawtoothMars Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 He moved location for a job and I followed him, but he didn't want to move in with me so I ended up living with strangers (who I'm best friends with now thankfully) while he's living with his parents all cushy haha! After living here for 6 months I've realised that the romance is completely dead because he doesn't make any effort, and I'm tired of feeling not wanted sexually because I've always had a high sex drive... So basically what I'm trying to say is: Do I stay 'comfortable' with someone I trust and love - but don't find sexually attractive anymore because of his lack of libido? Or is the grass going to be greener on the other side? I don't know what to do Well Chooo... I don't think it's a good sign that he didn't want to live together. In all honesty, I think this choice for you is just an illusion. Your only true choices are to either move on, or try desperately to make him want you... and I mean that in much more than a sexual way.
Redhead14 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I've been with this guy for 4 years - I'm 23 and he's 21. At the beginning we were sort of long distance as we were 2-3 hours apart. He's like my best friend - able to talk about anything, laugh all the time, understand one another, he loves to cuddle and kiss, always very sweet, and he's always been there for me in times of need. He genuinely is great in bed, and at first it was amazing, but after 6 months of being together he was always 'too tired'. I just thought it was due to him being at uni, but after graduating a year ago he's still a workaholic and always ends up too 'sleepy'. I've spoken to him about this SO many times over the past few years and tried to come up with solutions and told him things that I like, but he's just all 'it'll be fine, we'll work it out, don't worry' and then doesn't make any effort. It's usually always me pleasing him instead and we ended up having sex once every 2-4 months... He moved location for a job and I followed him, but he didn't want to move in with me so I ended up living with strangers (who I'm best friends with now thankfully) while he's living with his parents all cushy haha! After living here for 6 months I've realised that the romance is completely dead because he doesn't make any effort, and I'm tired of feeling not wanted sexually because I've always had a high sex drive... I decided to have a 'break' with him about 2 months ago but we still talk, we just haven't slept in the same bed or obviously done anything sexual. I've been interested in other guys but haven't done anything - even though it's difficult and tempting I'm trying to get to know people first (but every guy I've met has had some negative issue about them that I don't like!) So basically what I'm trying to say is: Do I stay 'comfortable' with someone I trust and love - but don't find sexually attractive anymore because of his lack of libido? Or is the grass going to be greener on the other side? I don't know what to do He's that young and has such a low libido? If he's been working so much and overwhelmed, etc., he may be depressed. That affects libido. There are millions of people out there who are depressed and don't even realize it. They are just going through the machinations of living without really feeling. That being said, it's been 4 years. Unless he makes an effort to work on all that, you're going to struggle with this issue. Libido matching is important in seeking a mate. You realized very early on that your libido and his were not in synch. I'm not saying that should be a deal breaker by itself, but if he didn't make an effort to work on that and still isn't, then I would move on. It's not about the lack of sex, it's about the fact that he isn't making an effort to improve it apparently. You told him "'we'll work it out". It doesn't sound like "we" tried.
Frank2thepoint Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I've spoken to him about this SO many times over the past few years and tried to come up with solutions and told him things that I like, but he's just all 'it'll be fine, we'll work it out, don't worry' and then doesn't make any effort. It's usually always me pleasing him instead and we ended up having sex once every 2-4 months... You communicated your concern, he avoids it, doesn't try, and de-prioritizes you. On top of that, he is selfish during sex, and sex is highly infrequent. To add even more insult to injury, he didn't want to move in with you even after being together for 4 years. I'd give the same advice to you whether you are 23 or 43. Break up with the loser. Just end it quick. Tell him you guys are not compatible and have grown tremendously apart. Don't waste anymore time on this guy that takes you for granted and doesn't even appreciate you. Please don't try to make excuses for him either. You would be deluding yourself. Go find yourself a man that appreciates you. 4
Toodaloo Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I see this so differently than everyone on this forum. This question comes up over and over. It's very hard to find someone you connect well with on an emotional and personal level. Much harder than finding the next person to bang. Also, compatibility, not sex, is what gets you through to old age. If I were in this situation, I'd just lay some ground rules down: 1) We do whatever a certain number of times a month or... 2) It's an open relationship and my sexual needs will be met elsewhere, but our trust is not broken I think there is more than the sex drive going on. As someone who has only found 1 person who has managed to keep up I can tell you that all you do is masturbate between times... 2-3 times a month? Really??? My parents have sex more often than that! *Please don't ask how I know this because sometimes I wish I didn't* I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about where he see's your relationship going. I really don't think he can see a future there and that is probably why the "drive" isn't there. Sorry... I know the only times I have not wanted to have sex with my partners is when the relationship is deader than a dodo or I am... 1
lucy_in_disguise Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 its your comfort zone and all youve ever known, so it wont be easy, but you need to let this guy go. This is not what a happy relationship looks like. You are the one making all the compromises here. Personally, absent a medical condition, I think theres a good chance your boyfriend is gay.
Redhead14 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 He's that young and has such a low libido? If he's been working so much and overwhelmed, etc., he may be depressed. That affects libido. There are millions of people out there who are depressed and don't even realize it. They are just going through the machinations of living without really feeling. That being said, it's been 4 years. Unless he makes an effort to work on all that, you're going to struggle with this issue. Libido matching is important in seeking a mate. You realized very early on that your libido and his were not in synch. I'm not saying that should be a deal breaker by itself, but if he didn't make an effort to work on that and still isn't, then I would move on. It's not about the lack of sex, it's about the fact that he isn't making an effort to improve it apparently. You told him "'we'll work it out". It doesn't sound like "we" tried. There are 4 fundamental/basic needs for a woman: 1) Respect 2) Trust 3) Comfort 4) Security and often a 5th. That would be being made to feel like a woman and sexually desirable. This one, however, is often put on a "back burner" so to speak and often negotiable. Depending on your level of need in that area, it doesn't make or break a relationship necessarily. The first 4 are not negotiable. If one or more of your needs are not being met, have been addressed and no effort is put into meeting those needs by your partner, you should move on.
loveweary11 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I think there is more than the sex drive going on. As someone who has only found 1 person who has managed to keep up I can tell you that all you do is masturbate between times... 2-3 times a month? Really??? My parents have sex more often than that! *Please don't ask how I know this because sometimes I wish I didn't* I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about where he see's your relationship going. I really don't think he can see a future there and that is probably why the "drive" isn't there. Sorry... I know the only times I have not wanted to have sex with my partners is when the relationship is deader than a dodo or I am... True. He didn't move in so his mind is elsewhere. I got caught up in the general question, rather than the specifics of her situation.
Gottabestrong Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Do I stay 'comfortable' with someone I trust and love - but don't find sexually attractive anymore because of his lack of libido? Or is the grass going to be greener on the other side? I don't know what to do I don't think you are that comfortable with him anyway. It sounds like you are frustrated and disappointed mostly. My advice would be to end this and find someone who makes you happy and who wants to have sex more than a few times per month. Since you have already called for a break two months ago, taking the next step should not be as hard. My question would be how he reacted to you asking for a break? Has he tried hard to change your mind and show you that he cares for this relationship, or has he just accepted it and not really tried to change your mind?
Necris Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 What I don't understand about this whole supposed sexual compatibility thing is can't people just talk about this and come up with a logical plan of action? Like I don't know scheduling times to have sex or whatever? I've never been in a relationship myself but I'm pretty sure my advice makes sense. 1
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