StephenSG Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Alright here goes. I am a single 25 year old guy. My girlfriend of 2 years dumped me about a year ago and it absolutely devestated me. She was my first real girlfriend and it didn't help that she was absolutely gorgeous either. Admittedly we had our problems, fights etc. We had a lot of different interests.. Anyways moving on. Since then I have slept with probably 3 or 4 girls. The first one after my ex I really tried to pursue but she eventually told me she wasn't into me and only wanted sex. Even though this hurt me I accepted it any moved on. Every girl since her has wanted to keep it to a "one night thing". Now I will admit I have met all these girls via partying/drinking etc so I imagine these types of girls aren't looking for more than a one night stand. Being single for this long has really done a number on my confidence and I feel like I am never going to meet someone again. Of course I want sex, but what I really want is a partner. I have felt so extremely lonely over the past year, even when I am with my friends all I can focus on is how I have to go home to an empty apartment. In addition to all this I seriously have a problem meeting girls without drinking/doing questionable substances. I know this is really bad, but I feel like I cant work up the confidence to approach girls during the day or at the gym or wherever. when I was with my ex I felt so confident about life and I could talk to whoever, I almost adopted an "*******" attitude for better or for worse, but now that I am single again I feel absolutely horrid. I look around and see happy couples all day. My good friends are all in relationships and looking ahead to marriage. Meanwhile I am eating take out everynight watching netflix alone. I feel like I have tried so hard to meet someone over the past year but nothing. I honestly don't know if I am good looking or not, my ex seemed to think I was but my confidence is so low I coulnd't say for sure. I am seriously driving myself crazy these days. I feel like I Struggle to have connections with girls/put it past dull conversation or friend zone. The loneliness has made me contemplate suicide in the past few months. I just want so badly for someone to hold and to come home to again. I feel like I cant enjoy anything in life anymore. Any advice?
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Suicide is not your answer. Neither are alcohol & drugs. Yes you can meet women without being drunk or high. You simply have to try. Are you involved in any activities without alcohol? If not, join some. Talk to the women you meet there. 2
Author StephenSG Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 I do not have any activities. I feel like I can never form a connection with girls i meet. I have had some dates in the past months but it never goes anywhere. I don't know how to buid attracton. I feel like I am hopeless and I will be alone now for the rest of my life. its killing me. Ive even tried plenty of fish, and i get no responses from any of the girls i message. I feel like im just ugly now too.
mortensorchid Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Guy, I tell myself those same things everyday. Here is what you have to do in order to get past that: 1) Think "It's not me, it's them" - I have had guys dump me or tell me that they are trying to get over someone else and they don't want to be with me. Granted, based on some of the stories that you shared here they were not the best of circumstances. I've had my wild days of partying and thinking it was so cool to be me, and then I got shot down a few pegs by those who thought they were cool as opposed to me and put walls up. But we all go through that stage of life which it sounds like you are doing. It also sounds like you are lashing out in anger by being with those other women you just described. This behavior leads to more bad thoughts and bad behaviors. It's not you, it's who you were with. You and those others and the old gf were not a good match. 2) Problems meeting women - Who doesn't? We all do. I can meet guys everyday in a variety of situations that involves leaving the house. The problem is that they are not right for me and I am not right for them. It's rough out there. That's how it is. When we are in high school / college it's fairly easy to meet new people because you are all the same age, have similar goals in mind, etc. Once it's over with, it's the world and that world has all kinds of nutjobs out there. Keep trying and finding ways to interact with the community on good levels rather than those that just involve partying and consuming alcohol. 3) Time - My hs sweetheart and I broke it off when I was 19. I automatically thought I was going to get another bf easy as that. I didn't. In terms of a serious relationship, you're not going to get one so easily. In my adult life, I have had three serious relationships in which all of the men broke it off. Two of them left me, then automatically got another gf within months and married them. The other is/was a man who would not take a risk in life and ran away like a coward. My last real bf broke it off, barely six months later he got another gf and is still with her. They left me for trash women, the two in question are divorced from them today. It takes time and energy to build something with someone, and they were not willing to do so, it was a rebound on their parts. This is not healthy for them to do, but they were so eager to have someone in their lives that they grabbed onto the first available that came along and jumped in head first without thinking on it or taking out the time building activities. They say that women are too eager for the fairy tale. Not true, men are just as eager and they do stupid things as well. You don't want to be with any of them. 4) Faith - I know this sounds cheesy, but you must have some kind of faith within yourself. Faith is trusting that if it's meant to be, it works out. If not, then it's not. Would I want to be with any of the losers I have been with in the past today? Would I want to subject myself to their cowardly behaviors, temper tantrums, being treated badly, not to mention their drunken hell? Not a chance. FOr whatever reason I didn't see the obvious flaws that I do now. You must trust that at least for now if things did not work with that other person that it just wasn't meant to be. Will you have faith in the future that somehow someone or some better situation will come along? That's questionable, but you must keep trying. 2
Mjm1014 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Op, I read your post and wondered if I wrote that...I'm 27/m/single, girl broke up with me last Christmas. I've dated a few girls casually, but it's never led to sex, and they never wanted to progress after a few dates. Anyways, if you're getting sex-it's better than a lot of single guys are doing, including myself! Obviously if you're having sex with girls you must be reasonably attractive for them to want to hook up with you so my guess is you just need to work on your confidence. Here's what you seriously need to do. 1. Hit the gym hard. Go twice a day if you have to. Become irresistible, where girls are crawling for your attention. I've been taking all my anger out on the weights lately (for being single), and am noticing results. Plus, you need to get away from the bar/party scene since girls there aren't serious about relationships-most want a hook up. Girls that are more well rounded, and attractive you'll find at the gym. No confidence to go up to them? No problem just hit the weights for a month or two and you'll feel good. Lastly, when you leave the gym endorphins in your brain will lift your mood esp after a run and you will def feel more confident. 2. I promise I'm not a health nut but you need to ditch the crap food and beer. This lowers testosterone, making you feel depressed. Everything I eat now is all natural. Steaks, chicken, oatmeal, protein powder, vegetables, fruits. Dude I feel amazing now. It's night and day. Cut out alcohol for a month and I'm never going back. I feel more confident and I'm rapidly getting a better looking body. Again this will help confidence and mood!!!! 3. Tinder works well, skip the other dating sites 4. Ask friends to hook you up especially if they have girlfriends...their girlfriends might have a single friend 5. Don't sit in your apartment and become depressed. If I feel like I'm becoming depressed I get in my car and drive and rock out to some good music. Also do a lot of thinking then. Sorry man that's all I got. I didn't want to write the same things as everyone else does. Switch up your diet (you'll see a rapid change of mood), push yourself to go to the gym as much as possible (even go just to walk the treadmill hoping a girl will come up and run/walk beside you-it happens!!) and for God sake, you're 25-don't even think about suicide. My cousin just met his wife at 33-years old. I remember I was depressed as hell about two years ago thinking I'd never meet a girl then boom next day I met s girl and remember thinking how pathetic I was for being down on myself for that. Sure, we broke up but **** happens. We both will have girls by summer I'm sure!! Good luck op 1
fitnessfan365 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 You're not in a good place to be dating OP. A woman should enrich your life. not define it. When you rely on someone else for happiness, a relationship ultimately ends up failing. My advice would be to get in shape, find a few hobbies you can be passionate about, and keep strong relationships with friends and family. Find reasons to be happy about getting up in the morning. Once you get there, a woman will make a nice addition to your already great life. 3
Author StephenSG Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 You're not in a good place to be dating OP. A woman should enrich your life. not define it. When you rely on someone else for happiness, a relationship ultimately ends up failing. My advice would be to get in shape, find a few hobbies you can be passionate about, and keep strong relationships with friends and family. Find reasons to be happy about getting up in the morning. Once you get there, a woman will make a nice addition to your already great life. What about the need to be loved? to be embraced by a female. How am I supposed to just forget about this? Also the phsyical touch. I am sorry but I can't be happy alone.
Vercetti Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Get away from drinking and drugs, the people and places connected with such. Then when get focused on positive things, opportunities never expected will just happen. I know it's whatever, but when least expect it is usually the case.
Vercetti Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 What about the need to be loved? to be embraced by a female. How am I supposed to just forget about this? Also the phsyical touch. I am sorry but I can't be happy alone. Sound like me in my self destructive phase. Your not going to get something real and sustainable in this mode. If like my spiral, will compermise and sink lower and lower with greater disappointments. Shocked that even the low quality things pull when in such a state fail to stick around. Hated when people told me I needed some alone time, better to get it over with then the haphazard reckless of anything anyone.
losangelena Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 You can't be happy alone? Maybe I'm misinterpreting what you mean, but ... really? During my 20s, my total relationship time was about six months. I had a boyfriend for six months over the course of an entire decade. I didn't start seriously looking for a boyfriend until I was 33. Somehow, I managed to find it within myself to be happy. I went to grad school, worked on crazy creative projects, learned how to cook, shot concert photos, lost a bunch of weight, wrote a book—I had a FULL life. All that fullness enhanced my dating life, because I had things to bring to the table when I met these guys. Yes, I dreamt of romantic love, but I just wasn't really ready to go there, yet. But I was happy with my friends and social life. I won't discount the importance of physical closeness with someone, but hinging our very life happiness on another person is a bad idea. There's nothing wrong with wanting that, but if you focus so heavily on the LACK of that in your life will not net you a girlfriend. At the very least, what you're doing now is not working. You've gotta make some changes in order to meet someone. Posters are giving you some advice on how to do that. 4
fitnessfan365 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 You can't be happy alone? Maybe I'm misinterpreting what you mean, but ... really? During my 20s, my total relationship time was about six months. I had a boyfriend for six months over the course of an entire decade. I didn't start seriously looking for a boyfriend until I was 33. Somehow, I managed to find it within myself to be happy. I went to grad school, worked on crazy creative projects, learned how to cook, shot concert photos, lost a bunch of weight, wrote a book—I had a FULL life. All that fullness enhanced my dating life, because I had things to bring to the table when I met these guys. Yes, I dreamt of romantic love, but I just wasn't really ready to go there, yet. But I was happy with my friends and social life. I won't discount the importance of physical closeness with someone, but hinging our very life happiness on another person is a bad idea. There's nothing wrong with wanting that, but if you focus so heavily on the LACK of that in your life will not net you a girlfriend. At the very least, what you're doing now is not working. You've gotta make some changes in order to meet someone. Posters are giving you some advice on how to do that. This was a really AWESOME post. All the things you did to enrich you life is pretty inspiring. I can relate to it a lot actually because even though I had a few LTR's from 18-22, I didn't date at all for almost seven years after that. But like you, I used that time to focus on myself and purpose in life. So kudos girl. Your BF is a lucky man to have such a good woman with purpose in his life. 2
ayeshau Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Hey stephen, I feel for you, I recently got out of a relationship aswell and I know the dating world right now is pretty ****ty, a lot changed while we were in relationships, and it can get lonely, but keep your head up, you sound like a great person and thats pretty rare right now. The right kind of girl is going to appreciate that you're not a sleezbag trying to get in to her pants, you want something real and seem mature, that alone is enough for you to score whoever you want, you really don't even have to seek her out, just keep doing your thing, working hard, and the right girl will eventually come along. Don't feel down. Things will get better
40 Fonzarelli Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Dude you're 25. You got your whole life ahead of you. I would suggest you not focus on getting a girlfriend at the moment. Can't you have fun without a girl? Any hobbies? Passions or pursuits you never went after because you were in a relationship? Life isn't this a one way road. There is so much more to life than finding a girlfriend and getting married. I think once you just focus on you and stop giving a ****, the girls will start lining up.
d0nnivain Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I do not have any activities. So get one. What interests you? Do you like sports? Join a co-ed team. Do you like animals? Volunteer at a shelter. Do you like politics? Join a campaign. Do you like cars? Join a hot rod club. When you do things that make you happy, when you do anything other than wallow, cry woe is me & use mind altering substances, you will feel better. Once you feel better you will be able to connect with women. Right now you are putting out a negative vibe: I'm ugly & worthless. Other people pick up on that because that is how you see yourself. Until you change that, you will never find another mate. If you can't do it yourself, get some therapy. Everybody needs a little help every now & then. 1
katiegrl Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 You're not in a good place to be dating OP. A woman should enrich your life. not define it. When you rely on someone else for happiness, a relationship ultimately ends up failing. My advice would be to get in shape, find a few hobbies you can be passionate about, and keep strong relationships with friends and family. Find reasons to be happy about getting up in the morning. Once you get there, a woman will make a nice addition to your already great life. >>A woman should enrich your life, not define it..<< --- ^^OMG I was just about to post the SAME THING .. ...alomst verbatim ...before I read this postt!! OP, you need to learn to love yourself FIRST, and be happy and fulfilled on your own, FIRST, before you will make a good boyfriend/husband for someone else. fitnessfan gave great advice, but if you still find yourself struggling with feeling depressed, please seek professional help. ((hugs))
Author StephenSG Posted April 30, 2015 Author Posted April 30, 2015 Dude you're 25. You got your whole life ahead of you. I would suggest you not focus on getting a girlfriend at the moment. Can't you have fun without a girl? Any hobbies? Passions or pursuits you never went after because you were in a relationship? Life isn't this a one way road. There is so much more to life than finding a girlfriend and getting married. I think once you just focus on you and stop giving a ****, the girls will start lining up. Yeah you are right, but I seriously cannot focus on my life when I go for months and months without the loving touch of a female. Getting laid sometimes helps, but not always. I just miss having a girl to do things with. When I had a girlfriend i would rarely party/drink etc because I would be doing stuff with her on the weekend. thats all i want again..
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Yeah you are right, but I seriously cannot focus on my life when I go for months and months without the loving touch of a female. Getting laid sometimes helps, but not always. I just miss having a girl to do things with. When I had a girlfriend i would rarely party/drink etc because I would be doing stuff with her on the weekend. thats all i want again.. that is your problem in a nut shell. You don't understand happiness comes from within yourself. You are seeking external validation which is fleeting at best & really a big lie you tell yourself. STOP. Concentrate on loving yourself. When you can only do that if somebody else loves you, then you are dooming yourself to a lifetime of misery. It's not if somebody else, no matter who, loves me, I'm a good valuable person. It's I'm a good & valuable person which is WHY the right somebody else should love me.
Author StephenSG Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 that is your problem in a nut shell. You don't understand happiness comes from within yourself. You are seeking external validation which is fleeting at best & really a big lie you tell yourself. STOP. Concentrate on loving yourself. When you can only do that if somebody else loves you, then you are dooming yourself to a lifetime of misery. It's not if somebody else, no matter who, loves me, I'm a good valuable person. It's I'm a good & valuable person which is WHY the right somebody else should love me. i know this is true, but i cant help myself from feeling badly about it. I think its partially the physical contact as well. Its been over a month since ive ben with a girl phsyically and its starting to really wear me down. I've been going on dates with girls and they always just end in a hug and then fizzle out. This last girl I went on a first date with yesterday we talked a lot and had lots of things in common, but it still felt by the end of the date like I was friendzoned already, I hate this feeling of not being able to have sexual chemistry with any of the girls i date. I pretty much feel that if theres no kiss on the first date it doesn't go anywhere. I seriously feel unlovable and want to end my life
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 we talked about this in your other thread. Your perception that you were friendzoned is most likely wrong & born of your current self imposed misery. Take that girl on a 2nd date then you can have a better picture.
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