Deadmeat Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Hello Friends, I'm in a bit of a conundrum and would appreciate the help of your experiences and knowledge base that I clearly lack. Long story short, I work at a fitness centre and I met Tanya as she was one of my clients. We had a really great connection, we flirted and I definitely felt there was chemistry. However, seeing as she was one of my clients, I did not want to mix business and personal and so decided not to pursue anything. After a few months, we met up again for her follow up and again we had a really great connection. Even deeper than the previous interaction. The following day I get a call from her and to my surprise she invites me out for coffee. I was not able to make it that day but decided to grab her contact info and we rescheduled for the following week. We met up on Monday, and decided to go for a long walk around the area as it was a beautiful day. We walked for about 3 hours and really got to know each other really well. Although, we didn't do anything "couply" I thought it was a great beginning to a new relationship. Near the end, I asked her out on a lunch date (I made sure to emphasize date as I wanted to make sure this was headed to romance). She agreed and we hugged at the end. We met two days later and I picked her up at her place. Keep in mind we've been texting back and forth throughout before hand. I decided to take her to the other side of the city as she hadn't been there before. This time I made sure to escalate and we held hands as we walked along the beach. We stopped for lunch, continued our walk and talk and I drove her back home. Another hug to finish the day. We continued texting until the following week when we decided to meet up and go for another walk (yesterday). We decided to trek along the city again and this time I made sure to escalate from our previous meet up. We held hands as we walked and when we parted ways I kissed her. Not a heavy make out session or anything but like a 2 sec kiss which she reciprocated. That evening I get a text from her saying, "sorry for my standoffishness...I don't think I'm ready to date anybody". This really threw me off as I thought we were headed in the right direction. When I asked her about it she mentioned that she was terrified of commitment and that she wasn't sure if she was planning on staying in the city or moving back home (which she's mentioned to me during our walks). I let her know that maybe we were moving too fast and that I agreed we should slow down the pace. She agreed and we said goodnight. Since then (today), I haven't texted her and she hasn't texted me anything... Now here's my question. From my perspective, she was clearly attracted to me initially but somewhere along the way I managed to screw things up. Throughout the week we spent together, I've really grown fond of her. I've been "friendzoned" before but this feels a little different as SHE was the one that initiated everything. I don't feel as if this is her way of turning me down or rejecting as she asked me out. However, I'm not sure how valid her reasoning is as this seems to be a go to excuse when you're trying to turn someone down nicely. I've certainly used it before in that context. Thought?
dangerbang Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 She could be still on and off with someone, or had something going on with someone else that she wasn't sure if it was happening yet or not. Anyway, if she wanted you she wouldn't be doing this, so I wouldn't bother analyzing it further.
losangelena Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 It doesn't sound like you really "did anything" to screw things up, though. Why she's pulling away now is anyone's guess. Some people get right up to the edge of a relationship and then get freaked out. It sucks, but it happens. Again, I would not ponder if it's something YOU did. I don't think you did anything. 3
kendahke Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I don't see how you screwed anything up. It seems more to me that she was the one who wasn't in the right head/heartspace to be engaging a new guy... almost like she was forcing a fit. If she already knew that she was thinking about moving back home, why would she engage a new guy romantically? That to me seems a bit like game playing. It's weird how it always works out like this. One meets someone and there is definite attraction going on, but then the one who did the initiating remembers that they can't be doing this because of moving/just got divorced or broken up/confused over someone who's yanking them around. I'd rather they just not waste my time and just stay away with their confusion and messiness. 2
Author Deadmeat Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Hey guys thanks for the feedback. I appreciate the kind words as I never felt as if I did anything wrong or have her confuse my initial intentions. In retrospect, I may have come off a little too strong especially in my text messages. For example, I texted her out of the blue a few days ago that I was thinking about her which I thought would bring a smile to her face. She replied that she thought that was the sweetest thing. For now I've decided to just take a step back and slow things down and let things cool off. Still no text from her... I'll keep you guys posted.
Gary S Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 She said she does not think she's ready to date anybody - this means you are out. I'd loose her number. Two dates means very little. You don't have a relationship for two months.
Mjm1014 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Yeah I agree with the above posters..you didn't do anything wrong, well from the sounds of it. People might disagree with me here, but I would drop her completely as far as anything romantic goes. Even though you only went on two dates, you both still know each other, and I doubt two dates would really make her lose interest that fast since she knew you and was so inclined to ask you out. I have a feeling she had a small crush on you early on, and she was wondering why you wouldn't ask her out. If she's attractive, I'm sure she didn't understand why you weren't like other guys asking her out and she needed to seek validation or an ego boost to basically see if she can get you. I believe this is what happened or she is also seeing someone else that she's confused about. Let her go. For her to be so into you to ask you out, then drop you so fast...Not worth the time. 1
preraph Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Just because she asked you for coffee doesn't necessarily mean she thought of it as a date. I realize this makes it difficult because you can't be psychic, but she might have just felt like your friend.
Author Deadmeat Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Preraph - That definitely crossed my mind especially before I was going for our first walk. That's why I made sure to ask her out again and emphasized the date which we both agreed was a date to ensure there wasn't any miscommunication. She texted me this afternoon, something irrelevant that involved what she had for lunch. I replied to the text just like I would any other friend but didn't follow up with a question like I previously would. Kind of sucks right now as it's still fresh and I'm still left trying to piece things together.
Author Deadmeat Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 Just an update for you guys tonight. She's been texting me a lot from the afternoon until the evening. Mostly irrelevant things like before. I reply with just comments and dont really try to continue the conversation. I do it mostly so she doesnt think Im this huge *******. This makes me think back to my original question of how valid her reason for not dating me is. I mean if she really wasn't interested then why continue to text me?
fitnessfan365 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) I'm a personal trainer as well and I actually respect the fact that you kept business and pleasure separate. I've always had a strict policy of not dating clients/gym members too. Can only lead to trouble. I agree that you didn't really do anything wrong. Sometimes people just aren't feeling it, or maybe she was dipping her foot in the water after a bad break up and decided she just wasn't ready yet, etc.. All you can do at this point is walk away. She has your number, and if she ever changes her mind, she'll reach out. But if you keep pursuing her after she said she wasn't ready, it will just continue to push her further away and make you look bad in the process. Edited April 29, 2015 by fitnessfan365
Interstellar Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) Hello Friends, I'm in a bit of a conundrum and would appreciate the help of your experiences and knowledge base that I clearly lack. Long story short, I work at a fitness centre and I met Tanya as she was one of my clients. We had a really great connection, we flirted and I definitely felt there was chemistry. However, seeing as she was one of my clients, I did not want to mix business and personal and so decided not to pursue anything. After a few months, we met up again for her follow up and again we had a really great connection. Even deeper than the previous interaction. The following day I get a call from her and to my surprise she invites me out for coffee. I was not able to make it that day but decided to grab her contact info and we rescheduled for the following week. We met up on Monday, and decided to go for a long walk around the area as it was a beautiful day. We walked for about 3 hours and really got to know each other really well. Although, we didn't do anything "couply" I thought it was a great beginning to a new relationship. Near the end, I asked her out on a lunch date (I made sure to emphasize date as I wanted to make sure this was headed to romance). She agreed and we hugged at the end. We met two days later and I picked her up at her place. Keep in mind we've been texting back and forth throughout before hand. I decided to take her to the other side of the city as she hadn't been there before. This time I made sure to escalate and we held hands as we walked along the beach. We stopped for lunch, continued our walk and talk and I drove her back home. Another hug to finish the day. We continued texting until the following week when we decided to meet up and go for another walk (yesterday). We decided to trek along the city again and this time I made sure to escalate from our previous meet up. We held hands as we walked and when we parted ways I kissed her. Not a heavy make out session or anything but like a 2 sec kiss which she reciprocated. That evening I get a text from her saying, "sorry for my standoffishness...I don't think I'm ready to date anybody". This really threw me off as I thought we were headed in the right direction. When I asked her about it she mentioned that she was terrified of commitment and that she wasn't sure if she was planning on staying in the city or moving back home (which she's mentioned to me during our walks). I let her know that maybe we were moving too fast and that I agreed we should slow down the pace. She agreed and we said goodnight. Since then (today), I haven't texted her and she hasn't texted me anything... Now here's my question. From my perspective, she was clearly attracted to me initially but somewhere along the way I managed to screw things up. Throughout the week we spent together, I've really grown fond of her. I've been "friendzoned" before but this feels a little different as SHE was the one that initiated everything. I don't feel as if this is her way of turning me down or rejecting as she asked me out. However, I'm not sure how valid her reasoning is as this seems to be a go to excuse when you're trying to turn someone down nicely. I've certainly used it before in that context. Thought? You text her too much. Phones, texting are only used for setting up dates then You disappear until the next date. You gave up self control, mystery and challenge. Women want to wonder about you. It raises their interest level. Anyway, I'll forget her. Edited April 29, 2015 by Interstellar
fitnessfan365 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 You text her too much. Phones, texting are only used for setting up dates then You disappear until the next date. You gave up self control, mystery and challenge. Women want to wonder about you. It raises their interest level. Anyway, I'll forget her. Another person regurgitating Corey Wayne..LOL Don't get me wrong. I like his stuff and he does give some good advice. But you sound like a parrot spouting off his advice word for word. I do agree to an extent that giving a woman some space is a good thing. Nobody likes being with a needy person. But if you're too aloof, it makes a woman lose interest and get bored. So you have to find a balance between being a consistent presence and also making sure not to crowd a woman and live your life. One thing that cracks me up is that all the "dating expects" including CW say to never contact a woman the next day after a first date. As a personal trainer I've worked with some beautiful women over the years. One thing they ALL say is that they like being contacted the next day. They actually laugh at and make fun of guys that purposely wait 3-7 days because they see right through it. It doesn't make you more attractive or mysterious. It makes you a sheep that can't think for yourself, and while you're waiting around, she's out on a date with a different guy..LOL
joseb Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Another person regurgitating Corey Wayne..LOL Don't get me wrong. I like his stuff and he does give some good advice. But you sound like a parrot spouting off his advice word for word. ... One thing that cracks me up is that all the "dating expects" including CW say to never contact a woman the next day after a first date. Yeah I think this is pretty obviously a ploy waiting x num days, - next day is fine, and really makes more sense Then leave it till you see them. I do agree that all that texting is no good and makes things a bit ... predictable ... boring, p.s. I haven't heard of Corey Wayne till now. !
d0nnivain Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 That evening I get a text from her saying, "sorry for my standoffishness...I don't think I'm ready to date anybody". I think she is a coward. There is some reason you two were not clicking her in mind so she hid behind her phone & told you a "white lie" to soften the blow. It's akin to it's not you, it's me. Either way she's not interested. Leave her be & move on She's continuing to text you because she doesn't know her own mind but likes the ego boost of having you dangling on her string.
Gary S Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 The first step to moving on is cutting contact. Change her name to "telemarketer" in your phone. Don't read the texts, just delete them. Now go find another lady who is healthy and ready for love.
Author Deadmeat Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 Hi guys. Thanks again for the support. I've decided to minimize contact including the text message. I'm putting her down into the "friend" level and just reacting to her as if she was any other friend. I don't believe ignoring her and cutting her off completely is the best choice considering that I will still see her from time to time as she works out where I work as well as that would be an ******* thing to do. I saw her this morning for example as we were both working out at the same time. While we chatted about our workouts we didn't really continue into a deeper level. She sent me a text telling me she was coming back for another round that evening and I just said "sounds good". No text back since. Maybe she's getting the hint...
Interstellar Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Another person regurgitating Corey Wayne..LOL Don't get me wrong. I like his stuff and he does give some good advice. But you sound like a parrot spouting off his advice word for word. I do agree to an extent that giving a woman some space is a good thing. Nobody likes being with a needy person. But if you're too aloof, it makes a woman lose interest and get bored. So you have to find a balance between being a consistent presence and also making sure not to crowd a woman and live your life. One thing that cracks me up is that all the "dating expects" including CW say to never contact a woman the next day after a first date. As a personal trainer I've worked with some beautiful women over the years. One thing they ALL say is that they like being contacted the next day. They actually laugh at and make fun of guys that purposely wait 3-7 days because they see right through it. It doesn't make you more attractive or mysterious. It makes you a sheep that can't think for yourself, and while you're waiting around, she's out on a date with a different guy..LOL I really don't know who Corey Wayne is nor do I care to know. No offense but you don't know much about women. If you listen to what women say they will tell you what they *think* they want ie. call me within 3-5 days, bring me gifts and flowers etc..etc...but if you ask them to describe the guy they stayed with you would get a totally different answer. If you're a funny guy who is somewhat aloof she sees that as you being different from all the lonely guys she's dated. And besides you're going out with a total stranger. You want to give away the store on a complete stranger? Like the thread starter did when he continually texted her. Now look what happened. The key to women is patience, their number one complaint is guys rush in. Too needy. And when you text her and talk to her on a daily basis you become more of a girlfriend.
JohnsonBaby Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 Hi guys. Thanks again for the support. I've decided to minimize contact including the text message. I'm putting her down into the "friend" level and just reacting to her as if she was any other friend. I don't believe ignoring her and cutting her off completely is the best choice considering that I will still see her from time to time as she works out where I work as well as that would be an ******* thing to do. I saw her this morning for example as we were both working out at the same time. While we chatted about our workouts we didn't really continue into a deeper level. She sent me a text telling me she was coming back for another round that evening and I just said "sounds good". No text back since. Maybe she's getting the hint... Why don't you do that ? When she text something without a question mark just don't reply back . Ignore her a bit don't be too available ,that's always a no no.
Author Deadmeat Posted May 4, 2015 Author Posted May 4, 2015 Hey guys just a quick update here its been about 5 days since. As I stated previous I was going to drop her to friend level which meant that I would react to her as if she was a friend. She's been texting me pretty much everyday since and its always her initiating. I reply accordingly keep the convo short and tease her when I get the chance. Yesterday she casually mentions that she is able to leave for work earlier on Saturday to which I promptly suggested that we use the opportunity to go for dinner. She declined as she had work from 8am-10pm the following day and she figured it woild be best to stay in. It's true but still unsure of how much of the rejection is due to that... Anyway the texting still continues but not as prevalent as before. For example she initiated texting today but did so late late in the evening whereas before she would text me some time in the afternoon. What do you guys think is going on?
SpiralOut Posted May 4, 2015 Posted May 4, 2015 (edited) She likes getting attention from you but doesn't want to have to do anything about it. If she is texting your later in the evening, it's hard to say if that means anything. If she starts making sexual jokes, it means she wants you as a FWB. But right now it looks like she likes the ego boost. In order to keep her at friend level, don't respond to her late night texts, or if you really must respond, do it the next day. Edited May 4, 2015 by SpiralOut
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