Player and relationships? Any input?

[amarie213]

I don’t have much relationship experience, so I’m going to lay all the cards on the table and ask for everyone’s input on my ex. My circle of friends think he’s a player who will not change for ANY woman until he either reaches middle age…or dies.

 

I dated this guy for nearly a year. After about two months, I brought up the “What are we” talk, and he said I was close to being his girlfriend. After a couple weeks, he told me I was. Just a statement—no long conversation. Our relationship had its ups and downs because he was still talking to other women and I would get emotional and cry about it. Not sure if he slept with any of them, but he was definitely still flirting on online dating sites. I found out through a friend who he messaged. Eventually, I think he just got tired of my tears because it brought him down. Was I wrong to react that way?

 

He has plenty of good qualities and would be an ideal man, and our relationship could have been damn good if he hadn’t been chatting up other women during the time. He seemed really into me, texting all day, preparing meals, having me over a lot, introducing me to his friends, even meeting my family. He broke up with me because he wanted to “focus on his career and life path” and stop partying as much.

 

Recently through a mutual friend, I found out he has a history of dating and sleeping with multiple (and many) women, some at the same time. He’s currently been seeing one girl for a while, slept with a couple of other women on the side early on in their relationship, and has not only NOT stopped partying, he’s also doing hard drugs recreationally. His new girl is a little possessive and has snooped in his e-mail and messages, found out he was talking to other women, and went off on him for it. She gets jealous any time he looks at or talks to other women. She has her things at his place, they spend almost every day and night together, and recently just went out of town together (don’t know for vacation or business reasons).

 

My ex has a history of sleeping around. Did he just use me for the sex and companionship?

 

- Would you define a guy like this as a player? I’ve always been told players don’t stick around after sex, but my ex seems to at least be involved with girls in relationships…

 

- If he’s putting up with her possessiveness and snooping, has he fallen in love with this girl? How would you define their relationship?

 

- CAN men like him fall in love? Will they treat one woman differently or are all women just sex and companionship to him?

 

- I know this is a bad thing to think, but I never spent more than two consecutive days with him when we were together. The fact that he’s spending so much time (and SEEMINGLY committing more) with the new girl is making me feel guilty (and jealous!), like maybe I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend for him and what does she have that I don’t?

 

- I know I shouldn’t think about his new “relationship” and these all are probably naive questions with obvious answers but it just makes me sick to think that all we had ultimately might not have mean anything to him. He was my first heartbreak. Now I'm really starting to hate him for what he did to me.

[Satu]

"Close to being his girlfriend."

 

He's shallow and a user.

 

Avoid that type like Ebola.

[d0nnivain]

I dated this guy for nearly a year. After about two months, I brought up the “What are we” talk, and he said I was close to being his girlfriend. After a couple weeks, he told me I was.

 

, and our relationship could have been damn good if he hadn’t been chatting up other women during the time.

 

, he’s also doing hard drugs recreationally. His new girl is a little possessive

 

My ex has a history of sleeping around. Did he just use me for the sex and companionship?

 

- Would you define a guy like this as a player? .

 

No I would not define him as a player. Players are all about nail & bail. They don't stick around for a year. They do not use the word GF & they never stick around through tears & especially not for demands that they change their behavior.

 

However, just because I don't think he's a player does not mean he's a good guy. To the contrary, he's a user & a jerk with a drug problem. Even if you think certain drugs should be legalized, for now they are against the law & using them is a crime. Why do you want to continue dating a criminal?

 

Her certainly doesn't value you. If you value yourself drop him. Go find a nice guy who wants to date you exclusively. Meanwhile get tested for STDs.

[amarie213]

"Close to being his girlfriend."

 

He's shallow and a user.

 

Avoid that type like Ebola.

 

No I would not define him as a player. Players are all about nail & bail. They don't stick around for a year. They do not use the word GF & they never stick around through tears & especially not for demands that they change their behavior.

 

However, just because I don't think he's a player does not mean he's a good guy. To the contrary, he's a user & a jerk with a drug problem. Even if you think certain drugs should be legalized, for now they are against the law & using them is a crime. Why do you want to continue dating a criminal?

 

Her certainly doesn't value you. If you value yourself drop him. Go find a nice guy who wants to date you exclusively. Meanwhile get tested for STDs.

 

I did get tested about halfway through our relationship. We were both clean.

 

What did he use me for? Ego boost, sex, company? Do men like him use ALL the women they're with? Is he also using his new girl?

 

It's so weird because he REALLY seemed into me and sometimes even giving up his usual priorities to see me. It's hard to believe he was just using me, that's all...And he's spending so much time together with the new girl...Ugh my heart is a mess.

[Holmes85]

amarie213,

 

I have highlighted a couple of things from your original post that you mind want to re-read again.

 

 

I brought up the “What are we” talk, and he said I was close to being his girlfriend.

still talking to other women

he has a history of dating and sleeping with multiple (and many) women, some at the same time.

He’s currently been seeing one girl for a while, slept with a couple of other women on the side early on in their relationship, and has not only NOT stopped partying, he’s also doing hard drugs recreationally.

My ex has a history of sleeping around.

He has plenty of good qualities and would be an ideal man

Everything I've highlighted above, are those close to being an ideal man? If your answer is yes, then you have set the bar very low.

 

If you like torturing yourself, by all means persue him further, he would be having a blast with other girls, while you are sobbing like a puppy at home feeling miserable waiting for him to come back.

 

Seriously cut this one off for good unless you like being mentally tortured for nothing.

[d0nnivain]

What did he use me for? Ego boost, sex, company? Do men like him use ALL the women they're with? Is he also using his new girl?

 

It's so weird because he REALLY seemed into me and sometimes even giving up his usual priorities to see me. It's hard to believe he was just using me, that's all...And he's spending so much time together with the new girl...Ugh my heart is a mess.

 

You need to stop focusing on this new girl. He's out of your life. Leave him there.

 

Perhaps him being as "user" is an over simplification. He just wasn't a good guy who valued you as a person. If he had he would not have continued to communicate with other women on dating sites.

[amarie213]

You need to stop focusing on this new girl. He's out of your life. Leave him there.

 

Perhaps him being as "user" is an over simplification. He just wasn't a good guy who valued you as a person. If he had he would not have continued to communicate with other women on dating sites.

 

I know I need to stop focusing, but in a way hearing that he thinks of her the same way makes me feel better, to be straight up and honest. I know it's horrible but this is the spiral my mind goes into. And since I haven't had much experience, I always end up thinking yes he CAN change and he's changed for her...I can't stop believing he's a good person.

 

amarie213,

 

I have highlighted a couple of things from your original post that you mind want to re-read again.

 

 

Everything I've highlighted above, are those close to being an ideal man? If your answer is yes, then you have set the bar very low.

 

If you like torturing yourself, by all means persue him further, he would be having a blast with other girls, while you are sobbing like a puppy at home feeling miserable waiting for him to come back.

 

Seriously cut this one off for good unless you like being mentally tortured for nothing.

 

This is me reflecting on my past with him and his current situation with the new girl. I have not been in contact with him for a while, just sometimes the occasional cordial chat since I see him around. Otherwise, we do not talk to each other and I'm guessing he's "busy" with the new girl.

 

Him being the ideal man would be all his current qualities BUT his habit of needing to talk to multiple women. And that's a pretty big "but". He could be using the undefined relationship as a loophole to continue dating other women, which isn't technically cheating. Same with sleeping with multiple women simultaneously because he might not be official with any of them.

 

I guess I don't know whether or not he just treated me like this or has treated his past girlfriends the same way. And the current girl? Can he be in real love? He was trying to flirt with me up until about a month ago when he suddenly pulled away. Why do men like him act like this? They have nothing to have low self esteem about.

Edited April 28, 2015 by amarie213

[d0nnivain]

 

I guess I don't know whether or not he just treated me like this or has treated his past girlfriends the same way. And the current girl? Can he be in real love? He was trying to flirt with me up until about a month ago when he suddenly pulled away. Why do men like him act like this? They have nothing to have low self esteem about.

 

Really? Have you read any of the posts on here from guys who say they have asked out 100s of girls & only gotten rejection?

 

Everybody has stuff that makes them insecure: for women in may be sitting around wondering why that cute guy didn't ask them out. For men, it's wondering why if they are nice, polite, well-groomed are the women they ask for coffee blowing them off. Insecurity & low self esteem are not gender specific.

 

You said this guy has always behaved like this -- multi-dating etc. You also said he's still on dating sites, he was talking to you up until a month ago & partying hard so I don't think he's behavior with this new girl is all that great. He's still no catch.

 

Sometimes guys do mature & grow. I was with a guy for 12 years. He rarely wanted to do anything. We went on one vacation that required us to board a plane & maybe 5-6 overnight trips in 12 years! We maybe saw 5-6 movies. We went to three museums & all three times were with his family because they wanted to go. I ran into him & his new GF at the end of last summer. He said they were on there way into NYC to see a Broadway show. Oh what I would have given to have him take me to something like that when we were dating. Was I jealous? A little. Did it make me question my marriage? Heck no. DH is just such a better match for me.

 

You have to put him behind you.

[amarie213]

You said this guy has always behaved like this -- multi-dating etc. You also said he's still on dating sites, he was talking to you up until a month ago & partying hard so I don't think he's behavior with this new girl is all that great. He's still no catch.

 

Yes but something made him pull away last month. Either something happened and he fell in love or his new girl has become so possessive that he's scared to communicate with any others. Which goes back to the question of why he'd put up with that. ? Logically I guess he won't change but a little voice of possibility keeps questioning whether he has. I'm working on putting him behind me but can't do it until I get some insight on all this. And I can't do it myself because he was my first "real" (i.e. physical) relationship. I have nothing to compare him to.

 

From an outsider's point of view, it doesn't seem like he has anything to be insecure about (although I'm sure he thinks he does). He picks up women easily, gets sex easily, women fall for him easily. Constant ego boosting.

 

Edit: Some of my friends have told me he's not in love with the new woman, he's using her, and it's probable that he'll come back and initiate contact with me in the future. In my current state of doubting whether or not he's a user and true cheater, I have to be honest and say that I might take him back if he claims that he's changed because I still believe he can change. And I don't want to believe that. So it helps to hear input from others about this to prepare myself in case I meet him or anyone else like him in the future. If that makes sense.

Edited April 28, 2015 by amarie213

[NC-Thomas]

I see a lot of feminine activity here, let me give my perspective. First of all: I don't think this guy is a bad guy at all, just not the good guy for you. He wants to enjoy his freedom, party and sleep with other women, nothing wrong with that. He did nothing wrong, because he was not in a committed relationship with you. You and him were just friends with benefits, nothing more. Just because he didn't fit your needs, doesnt mean that he is a bad guy, just not a good guy for you. Find a guy who wants to give up his freedom and be comitted with you solely.

 

Furthermore, You need to stop obsessing about him. I really don't understand why you put so much energy in somebody that doesn't want to be with you? You are digging into his details, fishing, asking friends about what he's doing, about him partying, about him sleeping with others. I don't want to be harsh here, but what you are doing is not moving on at all. You are putting massive loads of usefull energy in something futile. Better use that time and effort in moving on and looking out for someone better.

 

Stop playing detective, some puzzles are best unsolved. Good luck.

Edited April 28, 2015 by NC-Thomas

[amarie213]

I see a lot of feminine activity here, let me give my perspective. First of all: I don't think this guy is a bad guy at all, just not the good guy for you. He wants to enjoy his freedom, party and sleep with other women, nothing wrong with that. He did nothing wrong, because he was not in a committed relationship with you. You and him were just friends with benefits, nothing more. Just because he didn't fit your needs, doesnt mean that he is a bad guy, just not a good guy for you. Find a guy who wants to give up his freedom and be comitted with you solely.

 

Furthermore, You need to stop obsessing about him. I really don't understand why you put so much energy in somebody that doesn't want to be with you?Also you are digging into his details, fishing, asking friends about what he's doing, about him partying, about him sleeping with others. I don't want to be harsh here, but what you are doing is not moving on at all. You are putting massive loads of usefull energy in something futile. Better use that time and effort in moving on and looking out for someone better.

 

Some puzzles are best unsolved. Good luck.

 

Thanks for the man's insight. This worrying about him now is what some women tend to do, and I did not fish for those details. This is from me running into a mutual friend who volunteered that info because that friend thinks I was a nice "good girl" who was taken advantage of. This friend told me about his "reputation" in the past and what's happening right now.

 

I do think he did something wrong because, by saying we were in a relationship, he was leading me on while contacting other women. That's the thing: the lying and sneaking.

 

So for guys like this who are young, attractive, like their freedom and sleeping around...what makes them commit? And if he's known her for a year, why did he continue to flirt heavily with me up until just a month ago? His friend told me my ex's current girl would most definitely do something crazy if he ever broke up with her. If a woman is as possessive as this girl sounds, does that put the man on a leash? Do they end up falling for women like that?

 

Because if I ever did anything wrong, it was being a too-nice doormat.

Edited April 28, 2015 by amarie213

[NC-Thomas]

Ask yourself: do friends that volunteer you that information help you get over him?

 

The brain works in mysterious ways, but I know that every reminder of your ex keeps that neural pathway of your ex alive. It even makes it stronger. It keeps him, any memories of you two alive. So unless you want to move on and forget about him, you need to maintain solid no contact. You don't need other people telling about him, it will not benefit you.

 

Regarding commitment: as a young (attractive) man in his late twenties that enjoys his freedom I can tell you that not all men are the same. But as men get older, testosterone settles down. Commitment also decreases testosterone levels. Truth is, some men just want to enjoy before spending the rest of their lives with 1 woman. It's in men's nature to have physical intercourse with as many women as possible. Especially attractive men with many options enjoy this.

 

He more or less kept you on a leash and used your affection for him to keep you close for possibly sexual intercourse. Men like these will certainly commit once the bachelor lifestyle wears off, they get a steady job and want that caring and loving woman for them at home.

 

Take this as a lesson for yourself. The next time you meet men like these you will be prepared. Just remember: love is always a gamble. There is nothing "certain", you can always get hurt. That's part of life.

[spiderowl]

He sounds like the type of guy who always has one foot in and another out of a relationship. He will always be looking for the next attractive and interesting girl. He almost certainly did find you attractive and interesting but is incapable of anything long term without cheating on the side at the same time. I would not assume his present girlfriend has any greater hold over him. If she has, she will still pay the price of him cheating. What girl wants that kind of relationship long term?

[mightycpa]

He sounds like the type of guy who always has one foot in and another out of a relationship. He will always be looking for the next attractive and interesting girl. He almost certainly did find you attractive and interesting but is incapable of anything long term without cheating on the side at the same time. I would not assume his present girlfriend has any greater hold over him. If she has, she will still pay the price of him cheating. What girl wants that kind of relationship long term?

Yeah, I have to agree. That was me for many years, and for many girls.

 

Why? Mostly because I didn't find being with any of them particularly compelling. Many were very nice, and I was happy to date them (and others) and have an occasional fling on the side that I would not tell them about. If that occasional fling was interesting too, I'd drop one and swap in the new girl.

 

But every once in a long while, I'd find somebody who really interested me, and all that **** you're complaining about would go away. I'd focus totally on the new girl until she was done with me, or I was done with her. Then I'd go back to my old tricks.

 

If that didn't happen to you, then you were just one of several. Accept it, because other peoples' love picks us, we don't pick them.

[amarie213]

Ask yourself: do friends that volunteer you that information help you get over him?

 

The brain works in mysterious ways, but I know that every reminder of your ex keeps that neural pathway of your ex alive. It even makes it stronger. It keeps him, any memories of you two alive. So unless you want to move on and forget about him, you need to maintain solid no contact. You don't need other people telling about him, it will not benefit you.

 

Regarding commitment: as a young (attractive) man in his late twenties that enjoys his freedom I can tell you that not all men are the same. But as men get older, testosterone settles down. Commitment also decreases testosterone levels. Truth is, some men just want to enjoy before spending the rest of their lives with 1 woman. It's in men's nature to have physical intercourse with as many women as possible. Especially attractive men with many options enjoy this.

 

He more or less kept you on a leash and used your affection for him to keep you close for possibly sexual intercourse. Men like these will certainly commit once the bachelor lifestyle wears off, they get a steady job and want that caring and loving woman for them at home.

 

Take this as a lesson for yourself. The next time you meet men like these you will be prepared. Just remember: love is always a gamble. There is nothing "certain", you can always get hurt. That's part of life.

 

Thank you for this. It really helps to get a man's point of view. I think us women tend to get hurt and just write men off as jerks, so when the same thing happens to our friends we react with the harsh judgment.

 

It's funny. My ex is also a "young attractive man in his late twenties who enjoys his freedom and has options." Which was part of the reason why I was confused as to why he's chosen to stay with this controlling girl. At the same time, she's clinging to him. If I had learned my lesson when I met him, I would have called it off right there when I discovered he was talking to other women. The fact that this new girl discovered his communication with other women and didn't break it off means that she probably likes him very much.

 

Anyways, I've realized he probably stayed with me for the same reason. I was convenient, I liked him very much, and despite all the tears I let him get away with everything. Lesson learned.

 

He sounds like the type of guy who always has one foot in and another out of a relationship. He will always be looking for the next attractive and interesting girl. He almost certainly did find you attractive and interesting but is incapable of anything long term without cheating on the side at the same time. I would not assume his present girlfriend has any greater hold over him. If she has, she will still pay the price of him cheating. What girl wants that kind of relationship long term?

 

Thank you for the insight. Yes, I have a feeling he probably had another women the day after we broke up. It does sound like all his "relationships" meld into each other.

 

Yeah, I have to agree. That was me for many years, and for many girls.

 

Why? Mostly because I didn't find being with any of them particularly compelling. Many were very nice, and I was happy to date them (and others) and have an occasional fling on the side that I would not tell them about. If that occasional fling was interesting too, I'd drop one and swap in the new girl.

 

But every once in a long while, I'd find somebody who really interested me, and all that **** you're complaining about would go away. I'd focus totally on the new girl until she was done with me, or I was done with her. Then I'd go back to my old tricks.

 

If that didn't happen to you, then you were just one of several. Accept it, because other peoples' love picks us, we don't pick them.

 

Can I ask you what it was about the women who really interested you? And why were they done with you and you with them after a while? Was it because the novelty wore off? Have you found anyone yet?

[joseb]

Which was part of the reason why I was confused as to why he's chosen to stay with this controlling girl. At the same time, she's clinging to him.

...

The fact that this new girl discovered his communication with other women and didn't break it off means that she probably likes him very much.

 

You need to drop the rope. How do you even know so much about this girl?

And why are you still in contact with this guy?

 

Drop the rope and move on with your life.

 

Someone else here mentioned about keeping pathways alive - it's very true - if you spend time thinking about him and wondering all this, you are still stuck in the past.

 

Cut contact - and that includes any updates from anyone about him.

[amarie213]

You need to drop the rope. How do you even know so much about this girl?

And why are you still in contact with this guy?

 

Drop the rope and move on with your life.

 

Someone else here mentioned about keeping pathways alive - it's very true - if you spend time thinking about him and wondering all this, you are still stuck in the past.

 

Cut contact - and that includes any updates from anyone about him.

 

Got it. I am no longer in contact with the guy. The truth is that I met the girl because she hung out with my ex and I and some friends around the time we broke up. She was as confused as I was. Talk about overlapping relationships...

[amarie213]

Argh! I go through periods where I'm absolutely fine, and then I have these insane relapses where I get extremely jealous and angry and heartbroken. Just need somewhere to vent about this because I've never felt this unstable before. I can't believe I trusted him and even liked him so much to have things turn out like this.

[amarie213]

Bump.

 

I'm having a really hard time here. I know everyone says he hasn't been a good guy, but I'm struggling. I keep on thinking that despite his history of "multi-dating" and chatting up/sleeping with multiple women, he's completely changed and fallen head over heels with this new girl seriously. Like she's better in bed than I was or maybe I made him want to cheat. Is this normal? I almost can't bear this mix of jealousy and guilt and anger and helplessness. :(

[stillafool]

Honey he's moved on and so should you. Yes he may have flirted with you up til a month ago but he didn't ask you to get back together, did he? He now has a new gf and if he is as charming and goodlooking as you say she is probably jealous of him talking to other girls. That's just human nature but the point is he is with her. You need to tell whoever is telling you information about them that you don't want to hear it. Hearing about him/them will keep you stuck in pain. You need to move on and forward. I've known men like him including my brothers and they do settle down one day when they find a woman who they think is worth it.

[amarie213]

Honey he's moved on and so should you. Yes he may have flirted with you up til a month ago but he didn't ask you to get back together, did he? He now has a new gf and if he is as charming and goodlooking as you say she is probably jealous of him talking to other girls. That's just human nature but the point is he is with her. You need to tell whoever is telling you information about them that you don't want to hear it. Hearing about him/them will keep you stuck in pain. You need to move on and forward. I've known men like him including my brothers and they do settle down one day when they find a woman who they think is worth it.

 

Yes I am not hearing any more about them. I think it's my mind just having little panic attacks because I am no longer with him and jealousy is cropping up now that he is with someone else. And I know it's selfish but it's not difficult to think he's moved on. I had a feeling he jumps easily from one girl to another. But the excruciating thing to think of is if he moved on to this party girl AND fell in love with her when he has not fallen in love with any other girls previously.

[Simon Phoenix]

Can I ask you what it was about the women who really interested you?

 

I'm not mightycpa, but this question is absolutely and unequivocally pointless. Every man will have a different answer for this question. So if you are trying to get some insight into melding your personality into something that will draw that special man, you are chasing your tail. People just fit and they don't need to morph their personality to do it. You and this guy weren't a fit, even though you foolishly tried to force the fit.

 

As for the rest of it, either a guy is interested in you long term or he isn't. As much as you want to manipulate him into seeing you that way, it's not going to work. Typically how a guy sees you when you first sleep together is how he'll always see you. If he sees you as a long-term romantic option, sleeping together will make him up the ante. If he sees you as someone to date but not someone to seriously marry, he'll stick with you until something else comes along but never fully commit. If he sees you as a sidepiece, that's all you'll ever be.

 

I've told this story several times on here to women like you who are obsessed with trying to trick men into feeling more than they feel. My roommate dated a girl for two-plus years out of convenience. He was loyal (didn't sleep around on her) but he was with her strictly because she was low-maintenance and allowed him not to have to go out and try to pick up randoms. She'd see him around his schedule, cook for him, sleep with him, all of it. He was honest about what he wanted (he told her repeatedly that he wasn't looking for anything like marriage) but she kept with him hoping he'd change his mind. She tried breaking up with him twice, and he didn't chase after her at all -- he was just going to let her go away. Both times she kept running back, once after a week, once after a month.

 

Finally, she realize that she was never going to be that woman for him, broke up with him, and stayed away. Within two months my buddy found another woman. I could tell by date two that he cared more for this new woman than he did for the woman he dated for two-plus years. Within a year they were living together, and within a year of that they got married.

 

As for what his wife had that the other girl didn't? You'd have to ask him, but other men might have chose the other girl. Either way, trying to trick a guy into giving you more than you want is a fool's errand. The guy who you might be able to do that to is a guy you really don't want, unless you basically want a guy you can boss around.