Suggestions - getting call during NC

[manishx]

Hello beautiful people,

 

I am mostly a reader of this forum, and by going through topics, replies and all never felt need to post for suggestion.

 

In short, I was madly in love with this beautiful girl who was really nice when she was herself, almost 4 years - mostly long distance but whenever I met her, I cherished the moments. We were always perfect for each other, in most of aspects including age (I'm 34, she's 28, we both had short broken marriage earlier, I supported her with my best during her bad times, though I was confused for long after divorce so was taking my space and been completely involved with her since more than a year).

 

She tried to break up 4 months back given I was taking time being with her due to long distance and visa issues to be together, I tried my best and kept her with me, though in her mind she already decided it seemed. She blocked me off everywhere, later after little time and convincing her - I got her back with little apologizing and pleading, but was later not giving herself to fix issues in relationship. I kept trying best, at times got frustrated with her hot and cold behavior, few times I told her she is not putting efforts, but it was ignored, probably I too was depressed. And yes, she was lot depressed during last few months due to her work, she was having pathetic times there as she told me, and I observed that as well.

 

So finally when she broke up when I tried to talk n fix after few ignorance n her breakup over text, I tried to confront by calling her, and she dropped call, then abused me badly: 30+ msgs calling me shi*, I am worst person, I don't have brain, I was biggest mistake, I snooped her, I targeted her and I should find next target, blah blah... And I was devastated totally, I am still. I have been someone always appreciated by whole world, wonderful and calm person to be with.

 

I replied in anger as well, I couldn't handle it all, and suggested that she used me. Later dropped a mail explaining she was immature, and she replied with F** off. Gosh. I was broken, wanted to die.. Could not believe this can happen to someone like me. And how she became like this?? I cried.. Lot.

 

But went on hardest NC possible. I learnt that I have to focus on myself, and this I forgot while being in resolving her issues, I forgot being happiest like always, focusing on self - as I focused on fixing this relationship and ignored me.

 

SO, after being into complete NC since March 14th, first I got msgs from her mom on whatsapp - she is such nice human being, I guess she was trying to fix issues with her daugther and all, wishing about an event few weeks ago. I replied calmly wishing her same, didn't know anything else to say and I was on recovery and healing. Later found a funny pic and said nice pic, got instant reply as thank you, thats all. On social media, I was blocked on FB for whole month, and seeing myself unblocked now. Meanwhile I posted new clicks of mine - Im into photography and didnt see any updates from her till day before when she updated her profile pic. I dont want to read into it anyways. And also, I deactivated my profile like 10 days as wanted to get my own time and activated few days back.

 

And today, I just got a call from her number. I know I should not pick, so ignored. Then another call back. Ok, I am ignoring this too!! I will take time to reply/call back. Meanwhile I have not heard any mail or msg from her.

 

But this is making me crazy. Ok, we were perfect match, and may be she had low moments, but she destroyed me completely, and she won't understand how much pain I was into in.

 

So, what to do now? Should I take few days to reply or call, should I email, Should I not respond at all? I really wish to reconcile and I know if she would put efforts, it could be best ahead for both, but hard to trust. IS it just breadscrumbs or she is trying to make it work?? She is stubborn kind of person, usualy wont initiate anything and I am little afraid if ignoring calls would hamper reconciliation chances. Dont know what to do, please suggest.

Edited April 28, 2015 by manishx

[manishx]

Update:

So, I broke NC and started conversation, and it became biggest mistake of mine. I expected she might have realized that this relationship is worth saving and we may try to work; but hey - she wanted to be friends and was just checking because I was known to her. WTF???? And oh, I did this earlier to her (I regretted that badly, apologized her many times earlier and I know that I would do best to save this RS) so she was OK to break up with me this time, and wow, on top of it, it doesn't matter for her what I had been going through??

 

SO you make me bleeding more by contacting and ripping all together, and making me feel like dying inside? I vented out to her as well telling all my hurt she won't understand, which I know should not have done, probably hurt her as well. And now after hours I feel like crying, I was on path to heal and would have worked on RS while being completely fine but this contact broke me up completely. Don't know if I will survive this!! I had been someone always calm no matter what the situation was, and now I am totally broken.

 

Please help.

Edited April 29, 2015 by manishx

[backandforth]

Sometimes it takes a reality check like that to get you on the path toward recovery.

 

At least now you know that there is no chance of getting back together, so you have nothing to lose by keeping NC from now on (and don't say "her friendship", being "friends" will only make you crazy).

 

I'm on my fifth week of no contact and I feel like I'm turning a corner, slowly. You will too.

 

Remember, if she broke up with you, you were not a "perfect match".

[quattrob]

Don't be hard on yourself for breaking NC and doing the things that probably wasn't good for you. Sometimes we just fall for these kinds of tempting choices, especially when you haven't fully accepted that the relationship has ended and haven't let a certain amount of time pass to heal.

 

A lot of people learn things the hard way, sometimes it takes a few bad and hurtful choices for them to get it. I hope you learned yours and can finally start your healing process and focus on your own well being rather than someone that doesn't care/love you anymore.

[manishx]

@backandforth

Thank you for your suggestion. True, I know it would take time and I would recover for sure, I started feeling fine again but yes acceptance would take a while about not being perfect match, lol. Yes, I know being friend would only make it worse, I had been there and it ended badly as there would always be different expectations from both so now it's just me who has to do best for myself.

 

@quattrob

Thank you, completely agree that focus should be on mine, and it had been since last 6 weeks. I don't know why ex's feel happy poking their nose while we are recovering, and making mess for us. I had been working out, playing outdoor, being in best shape again and making people around me happy! And then you get a call and back to square one.

 

May be it's tough for them too to completely stop after BU given there were wonderful moments and real love, and perhaps they just can not understand dumpee's pain is much more so try to be friend and help out which only make it worst. My ex is nice human being for sure, she didn't even got angry this time but was way distant and seemed hurt too, I was still unblocked even after I became rude to her, which I should not be, I regretted and dropped her few lines regretting this and whatever happened earlier in message, may be for my own happiness and because I do care, though I don't need her really.

 

And although no one is perfect and I observed she started focusing on negative things, and of course can not do everything perfect, may make mistake 1 day out of 7 and she would focus on that one mistake. Anyway, better to put thoughts on myself, keep doing best again and be the person I should be proud of, whatever happens ahead. At least I learnt my lessons from this relationship and this phase.

 

Wish you all best too.

[PegNosePete]

You should get an app that auto-rejects calls and texts from her number and doesn't let her leave a voicemail. You should set up an email rule to automatically delete her emails. Delete and block on all social media.

 

This is how you do NC when you have low willpower. You use technology to do it for you.

[Chi townD]

Welcome back to square one! Dude, you know damn well that those calls were going to be nothing more than breadcrumbs. When she called and you didn't answer, did she even bother to leave a message? You didn't write that she did, so I'm going to assume, no. If someone is adamant about getting back with you, they will go to the very gates of hell to make that happen.

 

 

If she called you and didn't leave a message, then it was obvious that it wasn't important.

[Moley87]

Wow I normally say respect both sides of the story and each person has there view on the break but I think its safe to say this is a good time to accept she isn't right for you

 

Someone who generally cares would want to do it amicably as possible even though it causes pain anyway

 

Personally from reading the OP I think you've got out at the right time if she can't be amicable and explain her reasons then it's not worth the time you'll spend doing what's right

 

Its horrible because I think generally you did care but why not use that as motivation to find some other lucky girl who will appreciate it ?

 

NC is best here but keep reminding yourself every morning she is not worth it

 

I have a post it on the steering wheel that says new day new possibilities gets to me work in a good mood now

[manishx]

Thank you all, it was great to hear opinions and of course makes me happy, and helping a lot seeing people reading and trying to help in their best capacity. I truly appreciate it, and would like to share my views which may be different with respect to all.

 

Well, getting a blocking app may be good but I am not there yet to completely ignore her, I never was. Call it love sick, or still being concerned or whatever, but I used to be there when she needed me, whenever she called and for sake of past it's hard to ignore even if it is all over. I don't exactly know what she has been going through, so I would forgive myself for accepting the contact as of now, and I do regret being harsh.

 

Chi townD: Lol, yeah!! I knew inside this would be breadcrumbs for sure, of course she always has options to express directly. But I sense a problem for her or for sake of any dumper there. They made a decision, a very harsh decision for themselves too because they were equally involved at some point of time and have invested into relationship. So how can they take a U-turn while contacting dumpee, wouldn't it hurt the motive of their decision? Most probably they or anyone would initially be thinking - if I made a decision I would stick to it, no matter what!! As human beings they too need to be consistent with their decisions so can look like sane people. It's too much to expect if they would go ahead by apologizing and would do anything to fix, not during initial calls which we call breadcrumbs, and not at all if they are stubborn. But yes, falling for this is dumpee's mistake, like I did. Yes, there was no message after call till an hour when I initiated contact, and it became a reality check for me, about knowing where I was, overall I feel good now that it happened.

 

Moley87, thank you for your opinion, and TBH I do not know yet if she was right for me or not. I see your view, it is really bad while we try to care, push hard to save and still the break-up was not amicable at all, of course it hurts the most. I would like to feel same in future sometime when all feelings would go away, but right now I also have concerns about her, and if this happened due to stress and she was not able to handle herself, it happens with all humans. I see this break-up as circumstantial one, given long distance and stress into relationship otherwise it was a healthy one with fulfilling the criteria of happy relationship for long, and without any major issue. But that could be me because I still feel positive about it. Anyway as I said, focus is back on me.

 

So actually I have started feeling great about myself later with time, and after a day it is all perfect. I am happy, and realized I should have handled this contact or conversation in better way if I would not have panicked. Lessons learnt:

- I would not take a call, and would not message immediately unless there is some emergency for her.

- I will only have a conversation if I could see myself not expecting anything from her.

- And even if she would be be bitter, distant - I would rather be myself, no complains and no hard feelings for her. No way I should hurt anyone who at any time made me feel good, even if it is changed now.

 

I would be there veryyy soon, I sense that.

 

And to all dumpers - please do not call or contact just to check if the person you dumped is 'doing fine'! Of course they are, if they are active anywhere. By contacting and being harsh, you are doing worst, just like you shot them once during break-up to kill; and shooting another bullet after long just to see if they are alive and they can react. It is selfish act and you would loose respect from dumpee, and may make it easy for them too at end to move ahead.

 

I remember being as dumper and hurting the one because I was confused too and was not ready, and as soon as I realized my mistake - I just contacted slowly and asked for forgiveness, and suggested to put all efforts to make it better. But may be it varies with everyone.

 

How you all 're doing.

Edited April 30, 2015 by manishx
Additional information