darkbloom Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Hi everybody, I've mentioned it in previous posts but I thought I'd start a thread for opinions on this. I want to send my ex's mom a Mother's Day card in the mail. She and I were really close and I never got an opportunity to say bye or tell her thank you. Our last encounter was Christmas Eve when she stopped by my work to drop off her homemade cookies to me. Ex had not told her we had broken up and I didn't bring it up because I didn't know what to say. She thought we were still together and assumed she would see me on christmas day for dinner. I just want to say in the card that I am thinking of her and to give their dogs a hug for me. (I didn't get to say goodbye to them either.) I am not sending it in hopes that my ex will reach out to me. I am not sending it with any expectation of a response from his mom. I just wanted her to know that I care and that I am thinking of her. Does anyone have any experiences with this? All opinions welcome.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I am not sending it in hopes that my ex will reach out to me. I am not sending it with any expectation of a response from his mom. I just wanted her to know that I care and that I am thinking of her. Does anyone have any experiences with this? All opinions welcome. If you are being truthful in this comment, then I don't see why you shouldn't. Though keep in mind that she may not have the best view of you at this moment. After a breakup some dumpers tend to paint the dumpee black to their close friends and relatives in order to justify and validate their reason for ending the relationship. Closest experience I have to this is an ex keeping in touch with my family, but they were the dumper and as far as I know do not talk very often anymore. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Absolutely not. You need to completely detach from this. His mom is his confidant, so it's inappropriate for you to do this. 2
Ruby65 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Absolutely not. You need to completely detach from this. His mom is his confidant, so it's inappropriate for you to do this. I'm inclined to agree. His mom wouldn't have been dropping by with cookies if she knew about the breakup.... she'd be respecting boundaries and disappearing. And the dogs? Please, they're dogs. They're not up nights crying because you never said good-bye. You're being a bit over-emotional there, which makes me think overall this is a bad idea. It's okay, there are other ways to celebrate. Drink a toast to her on Mother's Day, sending her your love and saying good-bye.
lana-banana Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 It's completely inappropriate and a major violation of boundaries. If you can't be convonced, think of it this way: it's a good thing you don't want your ex to contact you, because there's no way he or his mother would have a remotely positive reaction. No matter how good your intentions may be you will look manipulative and desperate.
CC12 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I think it would be inappropriate to send a Mother's Day card. It's a day with a certain significance. Your intentions could be interpreted in the wrong way. There's no reason it needs to be sent on that day. You could send the same message a week later, and maybe mention that you thought of her on Mother's Day. But if there is animosity between you and her son, you probably shouldn't send any kind of message to her. If you can honestly say that neither she nor your ex would have any problem with it, then go ahead and send it.
darkmoon Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 she is not your mom, he is the ex - do you not have othher ppl in your life?
Hoosfoos Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 It's s bad idea if you were the one dumped, and an even worse idea if you were the dumper.
Art_Critic Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 she is not your mom, he is the ex - do you not have othher ppl in your life? I'm with this line of logic.. unless she was an inlaw.. but a BF's Mom.. no.. you need to show restraint on this and not cross that boundary
stillafool Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Ask your mother if you should send it and do what she says. 1
Twigyy Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Maybe telling her that you guys broke up is better than all of those..
BlackbirdSong Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I'm in the minority. I'd send it as you were close with his mom. A bunch of my exgf's still stay in contact with my mom even though I haven't talked to them in years. It's really not a big deal. 2
Author darkbloom Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Thanks for all of the replies. I'm getting the overwhelming majority to not send it. You guys are usually right and it's silly to think that I'm an exception to the rule. I just spent some time thinking about it from an outsiders perspective. And while I think she would be happy to hear from me, it would also make her uncomfortable. And I don't want to put her in that situation. I just wanted to let her know that I still think of her and there's no bad feelings on my end. I will be spending mother's day with my own mother and grandmother who are fantastic. I have a great bond with them. As for my ex painting me in a bad light, I'm not sure he could do it successfully. Even if he did get away with that, it doesn't matter what he told his parents about me. I wasn't intending to send it to stir up anything. Just to say goodbye. He also told his dad to send me flowers after the breakup. Which he did. So I don't know what he told him to inspire that kind of response. Sigh.
hunk Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 DB don't send anything. Deep in your subconscious you're doing this out of hope/some sort of desperation and I know you know this. Strict NC.
Author darkbloom Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 DB don't send anything. Deep in your subconscious you're doing this out of hope/some sort of desperation and I know you know this. Strict NC. Hunk, you know I'm the queen bee when it comes to NC. I would be chastisizing anyone else that posted this about breaking NC. We all think we are unique in our stories when we are not. That's where my thoughts were. My heart is in the right place. I do not think he would respond even if I did break NC. I do not have any disillusions that contacting his mom would cause him to contact me. We said everything that needed to be said at our last encounter. It sucks that his parents have to suffer for his bad decisions though. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Hunk, you know I'm the queen bee when it comes to NC. I would be chastisizing anyone else that posted this about breaking NC. We all think we are unique in our stories when we are not. That's where my thoughts were. My heart is in the right place. I do not think he would respond even if I did break NC. I do not have any disillusions that contacting his mom would cause him to contact me. We said everything that needed to be said at our last encounter. It sucks that his parents have to suffer for his bad decisions though. He might contact you though. You contacting his mom would be a way of "poking the bear" so to speak. And since this guy has been masterful in manipulating you, you really don't even want to give him a glimmer of a chance to do it again. It sucks, but it's his mom, not yours. The risks and danger far outweigh the benefits.
erklat Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 There are no benefits at all. She's his circle. Being in contact with her is unnatural. You will fall out of contact either way, so do it better sooner than later.
Author darkbloom Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 He might contact you though. You contacting his mom would be a way of "poking the bear" so to speak. And since this guy has been masterful in manipulating you, you really don't even want to give him a glimmer of a chance to do it again. It sucks, but it's his mom, not yours. The risks and danger far outweigh the benefits. I don't think he will. I was pretty mean to him post breakup and probably destroyed what little self confidence he had left. I also told him he's going to end up sad and alone like his dad. Yikes. I don't think his mom would tell him that I contacted her. Even she knows not to poke the bear. She wrote me into her will. And she told me that she likes me better than her other children. She's probably going to have to take me out now. I just wanted to say bye to her and give her dogs one last hug. Don't date douchebags is the moral of this story. 1
ephemeralme Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 darkbloom with what your write, it seems as though she truly cared about you. in that thought, she knows you care as well. I am sure she understands why you don't send her a card.( if you truly don't) goodbye isn't needed.... not with her. seems there was a mutual appreciation and that is all that mattered and matters. dogs too...
Simon Phoenix Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I don't think he will. I was pretty mean to him post breakup and probably destroyed what little self confidence he had left. I also told him he's going to end up sad and alone like his dad. Yikes. I don't think his mom would tell him that I contacted her. Even she knows not to poke the bear. She wrote me into her will. And she told me that she likes me better than her other children. She's probably going to have to take me out now. I just wanted to say bye to her and give her dogs one last hug. Don't date douchebags is the moral of this story. She's part of the package with him. Sorry. It's just not a good idea. It'd be one thing if you had a previous relationship prior to dating her son -- then perhaps it'd be ok -- but that doesn't seem to be the case.
na49 Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 As if you needed another person to tell you not to send a Mother's Day card, I wouldn't do it. I understand that you liked his mom a lot, heck I loved my ex's parents. I loved her family. They made me feel so accepted, as my parents accepted my ex. It just felt like everything was perfect. When she broke up with me, all of those ties were cut/bridges were burned. I don't want my ex contacting my mom on Mother's Day, and I won't be contacting her mom. Not because of any hard feelings, but they aren't part of our lives anymore. I'm sure his mom will understand not hearing from you.
mightycpa Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Don't send the Mothers Day card, but I would encourage you to go, maybe enjoy a lunch or something, and say goodbye. Not a word about the ex, and if she brings him up, gently suggest that you aren't there to talk about him, and that you'd rather not. I did that once, and I'm glad I did. He brought her up, and I shut that part of the conversation down. We had a good time, and we got to say goodbye. I always liked him a lot. And does he really want his mother seeing his ex? **** him. Who cares what he wants?
Author darkbloom Posted May 1, 2015 Author Posted May 1, 2015 I've decided not to send the card. My heart really is in the right place and for the right reasons but I need to get better at understanding boundaries. I'm normally pretty good with things like this but for some reason with this relationship it's all blurred. Thank you all for your advice. 4
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