Accidently offended my bf's culture, broke up and am now baffled by his nightly texts

[garfish99]

It started when my Peruvian bf of 6 months said he's questioning our compatability due to my "lack of sensitivity to Latino culture". He said he can understand my mistake in referring to Latin American food as "Spanish", not knowing who Cesar Chavez is, not knowing how to dance to Latin music, and little knowledge of South Americam countries. "What I don't understand is how you can have nephews who identify as Latino and not know those things." I reminded him that I see that side of the family very rarely, so I never attended events where learning Latin dance was necessary. I learned common word useages from people around me, etc. At one point I said the word "America"in a sentence and he got very upset. He said it's offensive to him when people call the US that.Then he went on to say, "I know why you called it that, it's the same reason you said "Spanish food" and it's insulting you don't own up to it". He said I'm privilaged and entitled with no knowledge of oppression and microaggression. He said I was digging myself a hole trying to explain my lack of knowledge in the other things he mentioned. ."The more you talk the more I don't like you and the person I'm becoming when responding to you." He said because his view of me was so negative, he wasn't sure if he wanted to see me anymore. "A face to face might be good." A few days later, he apologized and said he felt badly. He said he had to stop me from talking because he didn't want to start disliking me "You're a lovely person." I apologized for accidently offending him. "I thought of America as just another name for the US, it's so commonly used, I had no idea it was offensive to anyone. I was hurt that you assumed the worse intentions and belittled me." He said,"Actually I was upset that you didn't have intentions at all, just called it "America" without a 2nd thought. It falls under "the unexamined life" and lack of cultural awareness." I spoke to several S. American friends and they explained his reaction. They agreed with his sentiments but not his reaction. Thing is, he's been texting me every night to share about his day. He says things like "Aw, sleepy time already?" He sends links of funny things I'd like. Last night he texted me about a car crash nightmare and shared about a crash that happened in the past and someone who died. He never flirts. Never calls me. Never brings up meeting up. Contact has been steady. We keep it short. No more than 20 min. It's just small talk at bedtime. Mostly him volunteering about his day. I don't want him back. But we've been in the same social group for a long time that I'm reluctant to go NC. I know it's over, but miss our friendship, and there's that issue we never resolved. Is there any way to fix this impasse without being a dormat? What's with his weird texting ritual anyway?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

go no contact, this guy has some serious growing up to do.

[TunaCat]

This guy is being overly sensitive. Time for you to go NC with this guy.

[loveweary11]

Jeez.

 

It's called "America" because saying, "The United States of America" is too long! It's also called "The United States" or "The States" (by Europeans) for the same reason.

 

What is wrong with these people who can't figure that out?? Says more about HIS lack of cultural awareness and general lack of thinking skills.

 

Here's another one: The United Republic of Tanzania. Ever heard anyone call it that?? No! It's simply called Tanzania. People drop the "United Republic of" from the name just as "the United States of" is dropped.

 

Your ex is kinda not so bright to miss this. You should definitely get far away from him.

[Diezel]

I know people like this, I grew up with people like this.

I know people who would get upset because others would say they are "Spanish" and that's not what they are.

 

I've never had this problem.

 

My girlfriend has done some of the same things to me that you did to your ex. None of it offended me.

 

Your ex's world is too small. It makes him a lot more close-minded than it makes you, trust me.

 

Block his number.

[garfish99]

This isn't to excuse him at all, he was WAY out of line. But you guys might find this interesting to know. The way someone explained the "America" thing to me is: "A very large reason why it's offensive to call it that is because it rhetorically erases US imperialism's involvement in creating many of the current socioeconomic poverties, war, gendered violence, the justification of the "War on Drugs", the undocumented children who fled to the US to avoid violence and ended up being sent back, and overall terrible conditions in certain parts of Latin, Central, and South America. The US has made itself the center of the world through military and cultural hegemony, so it's really offensive to someone who has seen the effects of US imperialism on their family. But everyone is aware of that because it's not really within our public education's benefit to tell people about how the US is a colonizing country". Also, children in South America are taught in school that the entire continent is "America" and "North" and "South America" are subcontinents. So in light of our history, it comes off as obnoxiously ethnocentric when we call it "America". People like the ex prefer that people stick with The United States, or US, or USA if we shorten it. My Guatemalan brother in law and Columbian friends highly dislike the use of "America", but agreed that my ex is out of line.

[loveweary11]

This isn't to excuse him at all, he was WAY out of line. But you guys might find this interesting to know. The way someone explained the "America" thing to me is: "A very large reason why it's offensive to call it that is because it rhetorically erases US imperialism's involvement in creating many of the current socioeconomic poverties, war, gendered violence, the justification of the "War on Drugs", the undocumented children who fled to the US to avoid violence and ended up being sent back, and overall terrible conditions in certain parts of Latin, Central, and South America. The US has made itself the center of the world through military and cultural hegemony, so it's really offensive to someone who has seen the effects of US imperialism on their family. But everyone is aware of that because it's not really within our public education's benefit to tell people about how the US is a colonizing country". Also, children in South America are taught in school that the entire continent is "America" and "North" and "South America" are subcontinents. So in light of our history, it comes off as obnoxiously ethnocentric when we call it "America". People like the ex prefer that people stick with The United States, or US, or USA if we shorten it. My Guatemalan brother in law and Columbian friends highly dislike the use of "America", but agreed that my ex is out of line.

 

Honestly, if he hates"America" this much, why did he move here?

 

Strike 2 on his intelligence.

 

If the schools there teach that "America" is a continent, they are lacking too. There are 7 continents. North America and South America are among them. Did his school really teach him there are only 6 continents? This could explain a lot.

Edited April 28, 2015 by loveweary11

[garfish99]

Oh no, it wasn't him that said all that. It was someone on a different forum. A poster was telling me what she learned about American imperialism in her social justice classes to give a perspective on why people from other countries might think the way they do.

Someone also posted a video of what children around the world are taught about the continents. Different countries have different names for continents. For instance, many countries combine Europe and Asia into "Eurasia". They consider it to be one big continent. There's no right or wrong names for continents in my opinion. I go by what I was taught in school here. If I grew up in a different country, I'm sure I would think differently.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Atzalan or North Mexico.

 

 

Not sure what the rest of the US is supposed to be called.

[garfish99]

I was talking about continents, not countries.

 

The Seven (or Six) Continents on Earth

 

"In Europe and other parts of the world, many students are taught of six continents, where North and South America are combined to form a single continent of America."

 

"There is no standard definition for the number of continents, but you will commonly find that the numbers six or seven are used "

[Diezel]

People like the ex prefer that people stick with The United States, or US, or USA if we shorten it. My Guatemalan brother in law and Columbian friends highly dislike the use of "America", but agreed that my ex is out of line.

 

In my world, if where I am come from, it's called America, you call it that way.

 

You don't go to Guatemala or Colombia and tell them that what they call their country or their people is wrong.

 

And I'm from Latin America.

[spiderowl]

I'd just stop receiving his texts and ignore them. Why should he invade your peaceful evening like this when he has been offensive to you? You can't be expected to know all about his culture and its history in the same way that you can't expect him to know all about yours. Each person is steeped in their own history and culture and really, why should we have to defend it? Just because you were born in one country doesn't mean you have to apologise for the behaviour of past leaders.

 

He's being overly serious and bullying. He is trying to control you and make you feel bad about things. His background may be the reason, especially if he and his family or friends have suffered from poverty or intimidation - very few people bounce back happily from trauma - but it does not sound like he was making you happy, more blaming you for his own unhappiness.

 

He might well need you, your company and understanding nature, hence the texts. It does not mean you have to be there for him though. This is a guy who tries to stop you speaking because he won't like you if you do? It strikes me he is an angry guy deep down and things you (or anyone else) might innocently say would trigger his anger. I would sincerely advise you never to get involved with a guy who suggests that what you are doing is making him so angry he might hate you. This would be madness.

[mightycpa]

It started when my Peruvian bf of 6 months said he's questioning our compatability due to my "lack of sensitivity to Latino culture". He said he can understand my mistake in referring to Latin American food as "Spanish", not knowing who Cesar Chavez is, not knowing how to dance to Latin music, and little knowledge of South Americam countries. "What I don't understand is how you can have nephews who identify as Latino and not know those things." I reminded him that I see that side of the family very rarely, so I never attended events where learning Latin dance was necessary. I learned common word useages from people around me, etc. At one point I said the word "America"in a sentence and he got very upset. He said it's offensive to him when people call the US that.Then he went on to say, "I know why you called it that, it's the same reason you said "Spanish food" and it's insulting you don't own up to it". He said I'm privilaged and entitled with no knowledge of oppression and microaggression. He said I was digging myself a hole trying to explain my lack of knowledge in the other things he mentioned. ."The more you talk the more I don't like you and the person I'm becoming when responding to you." He said because his view of me was so negative, he wasn't sure if he wanted to see me anymore. "A face to face might be good." A few days later, he apologized and said he felt badly. He said he had to stop me from talking because he didn't want to start disliking me "You're a lovely person." I apologized for accidently offending him. "I thought of America as just another name for the US, it's so commonly used, I had no idea it was offensive to anyone. I was hurt that you assumed the worse intentions and belittled me." He said,"Actually I was upset that you didn't have intentions at all, just called it "America" without a 2nd thought. It falls under "the unexamined life" and lack of cultural awareness." I spoke to several S. American friends and they explained his reaction. They agreed with his sentiments but not his reaction. Thing is, he's been texting me every night to share about his day. He says things like "Aw, sleepy time already?" He sends links of funny things I'd like. Last night he texted me about a car crash nightmare and shared about a crash that happened in the past and someone who died. He never flirts. Never calls me. Never brings up meeting up. Contact has been steady. We keep it short. No more than 20 min. It's just small talk at bedtime. Mostly him volunteering about his day. I don't want him back. But we've been in the same social group for a long time that I'm reluctant to go NC. I know it's over, but miss our friendship, and there's that issue we never resolved. Is there any way to fix this impasse without being a dormat? What's with his weird texting ritual anyway?

**** that charapo. The trouble with the post-Incan people is that they have a chip on their shoulder because they know that compared to the rest of the world, they have a backwards, agricultural based existence, and the economy is largely depending on their ability to dig things of value to more advanced cultures out of the ground, or to dig food out of the ocean. They hate the Spanish because they were mercilessly conquered, and they had to give up their life under a despotic Incan ruler in favor of life under a despotic Spanish ruler. This is why he thinks you should be a ****ing anthropologist and try to understand his yesteryear culture, rather than him embracing the modern values of the greatest culture ever known to man, which you were fortunate enough to be born into. If you intend to advance in your life, then you need to learn to ditch the anchors you will encounter.

 

He's one of them. That's how you don't become his doormat.