Mixed messages from ex. What is his deal?

[SLee]

How long is your lease? You don't have a friend whose couch you can crash on for a few weeks? You can't sublet and look for another place?

Our lease is up at the end of June. Right now, all my friends are tied up, have no room, or live too far from school and I don't have a car. I'm also completely broke because I had to buy a bunch of stuff for a wedding me and the ex are in later this month. Once school is out, I'll have a little more freedom to be with my family and such, but for now, I'm kind of stuck.

[Simon Phoenix]

Our lease is up at the end of June. Right now, all my friends are tied up, have no room, or live too far from school and I don't have a car. I'm also completely broke because I had to buy a bunch of stuff for a wedding me and the ex are in later this month. Once school is out, I'll have a little more freedom to be with my family and such, but for now, I'm kind of stuck.

 

Your friends don't have a couch? That seems hard to believe. And are these friends so far from campus that you can't take a bus? And you're going to a wedding with your ex? You need to stop that from happening.

 

I mean, a buddy of mine in college had to leave his living situation with his roommate due to severe differences. He crashed on another friend's house for the last six weeks of the school year. I find it hard to believe that you don't have a friend on campus that wouldn't let you do that. You don't have to move out all of your stuff until the lease is over, just a bag or two of stuff. But there is absolutely no reason for you to be in that living situation for another couple of months. That's absurd.

 

Also, not sure why you'd live with your college boyfriend anyway, but that's another conversation for another time. But I find it hard to believe that there is no one you can crash with.

[Ruby65]

Ruby, I do think you're completely right.

 

Every time I do, he just gets really upset at me and yells at me until I give in. He doesn't understand how I don't want to be friends with him, because it "works with other people". I don't want to set him off, but I need to take care of myself too. I told him how the past stuff, or anything I did in the past doesn't really matter at this point. But he just keeps coming in my room and being mad. I'm trying to keep this livable, and be compassionate and don't want to hurt him more, but I can't just keep considering his feelings over mine all the time.

 

I'm really trying to be strong here and stick to my guns, but every time I do, he just makes me feel like I'm being some horrible bad guy and it makes me feel like crap. I just don't know what to do. I'm really upset at this point, I guess I'd say I'm having a really low day.

 

First off, I totally agree with Simon that the best way to handle this is to just crash somewhere. Even leaving for just a few weeks will help you create better boundaries with this guy.

 

As for the rest of it.... look, HE CAN'T ARGUE WITH HIMSELF. You have to be there to participate in these conversations for any of them to take place! So don't be there! Don't participate!

 

Walk away. Take a night job so you're never home. Study at the library every night. Don't even put yourself in the same room with him.... don't have the conversations! You don't need to convince him of ANYTHING. You only need to walk away. Don't talk to him about anything. Don't be in the same room he's in. Disappear from his world.

 

[SLee]

Your friends don't have a couch? That seems hard to believe. And are these friends so far from campus that you can't take a bus? And you're going to a wedding with your ex? You need to stop that from happening.

 

I mean, a buddy of mine in college had to leave his living situation with his roommate due to severe differences. He crashed on another friend's house for the last six weeks of the school year. I find it hard to believe that you don't have a friend on campus that wouldn't let you do that. You don't have to move out all of your stuff until the lease is over, just a bag or two of stuff. But there is absolutely no reason for you to be in that living situation for another couple of months. That's absurd.

 

Also, not sure why you'd live with your college boyfriend anyway, but that's another conversation for another time. But I find it hard to believe that there is no one you can crash with.

I have looked, for sure. Most of my friends have cars so they live outside of the city where the busses don't run, otherwise I'd completely take that options. All my other friends either live in dorms, are crashing on someone's couch, or have someone else sleeping on their couch, or they turned me down. I also don't have a big group of people I know to crash with, since my circle of close pals is pretty small.

 

I can't back out of the wedding at this point because it's literally happening in two weeks. Plus the bride had a bunch of other bridesmaids bail on her and I already committed a bunch of time and money to it. I'm even paired up with my ex in the bridal party.

 

I was in a bad living situation due to having fell out with a roommate when we moved in together almost 2 years ago. He needed a roommate too as his was moving and neither of us could find someone else to live with. Looking back on it, it was probably a poor decision. At the time it was easy because we were at the height of our relationship. Just another dumb, immature decision on my end.

 

I'm sorry if I sound really obstinate, I'm just trying to explain. Like I said too, I'm having a really low day as well! I do genuinely appreciate your replies and advice.

[SLee]

First off, I totally agree with Simon that the best way to handle this is to just crash somewhere. Even leaving for just a few weeks will help you create better boundaries with this guy.

 

As for the rest of it.... look, HE CAN'T ARGUE WITH HIMSELF. You have to be there to participate in these conversations for any of them to take place! So don't be there! Don't participate!

 

Walk away. Take a night job so you're never home. Study at the library every night. Don't even put yourself in the same room with him.... don't have the conversations! You don't need to convince him of ANYTHING. You only need to walk away. Don't talk to him about anything. Don't be in the same room he's in. Disappear from his world.

 

Thanks for replying and your advice. It's helping me keep my head on straight when I'm stuck in this nightmare h***hole of depression.

 

I try to spend as little time at home as possible. School during the day rehearsal/plays at night, going out with my friends at all hours of the evening, etc. One time, I wanted to leave to go do something, but he literally blocked the door and wouldn't let me leave until I told him where I was going.

 

I want to ignore him or not be here to participate, but when I do have to be home, he'll often get in my face and start things with me, even though I do my best to ignore him. I don't know. I feel bad about being obstinate. I'm just really lost.

[Simon Phoenix]

I have looked, for sure. Most of my friends have cars so they live outside of the city where the busses don't run, otherwise I'd completely take that options. All my other friends either live in dorms, are crashing on someone's couch, or have someone else sleeping on their couch, or they turned me down. I also don't have a big group of people I know to crash with, since my circle of close pals is pretty small.

 

I can't back out of the wedding at this point because it's literally happening in two weeks. Plus the bride had a bunch of other bridesmaids bail on her and I already committed a bunch of time and money to it. I'm even paired up with my ex in the bridal party.

 

I was in a bad living situation due to having fell out with a roommate when we moved in together almost 2 years ago. He needed a roommate too as his was moving and neither of us could find someone else to live with. Looking back on it, it was probably a poor decision. At the time it was easy because we were at the height of our relationship. Just another dumb, immature decision on my end.

 

I'm sorry if I sound really obstinate, I'm just trying to explain. Like I said too, I'm having a really low day as well! I do genuinely appreciate your replies and advice.

 

Well, you need to stop feeding the monster then. There's absolutely no reason for you to be having conversations with him about anything. Stay out of the apartment for as long as possible -- study in the library, go out with friends, maybe crash on the weekends with the friends that live off campus. Either way, it's not on him to stop having these conversations with you -- it's on you to stop taking the bait every damn time.

 

I think the thing you can work on with this breakup (besides self-control), is developing a better network of good friends. While dating in college and when you're young is fine, living with a romantic partner at that stage of life is not a good choice. College/early adulthood is a time to meet people and expand horizons, not be living together as a couple.

 

Either way, you have to be active to make this better. Getting sucked into nonsensical conversations with an ex is completely counterproductive, as is analyzing what he has to say.

[Ruby65]

I try to spend as little time at home as possible. School during the day rehearsal/plays at night, going out with my friends at all hours of the evening, etc. One time, I wanted to leave to go do something, but he literally blocked the door and wouldn't let me leave until I told him where I was going.

 

I want to ignore him or not be here to participate, but when I do have to be home, he'll often get in my face and start things with me, even though I do my best to ignore him. I don't know. I feel bad about being obstinate. I'm just really lost.

 

Do your parents know that you're being treated this way? It's not okay if he's physically blocking you from leaving.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Recently, he made comments like "Oh maybe someday we can try again." I made it clear that I had no intention to be on the back burner for him. Today, he tells me he said things like that "to be nice" so he either lied then or he's lying now.

 

Whether he was/is lying or not doesn't matter at this point. Come to terms with it being over. You said you don't want to be back burner girl, so "stick to your guns". The relationship is over, you don't owe him anything. Being civil with him already shows that you are the better person in this whole ordeal.

 

 

-We were part of a friend group that ex joined in on when we were in a relationship.

 

 

Meanwhile, he seems to think that everything between him and all my friends is fine and dandy. In actuality, my friends don't like him all that much right now. I brought this up to them, because it made them feel really awkward.

 

Now he says I'm being too controlling and trying to "have custody" over friends. And he thinks everything is on "my terms" and he gets nothing.

 

He expects to walk away from this with YOUR friends. He's delusional.

Your friends get to make that choice, not him. You don't even get to make that choice but if they chose him over you, they weren't really a friend in the first place. "my terms" like this is some sort of negotiation... he already fired the nuke, there are no terms.

 

So, we don't even agree on what happened. And I know I hurt him really bad, and it kills me that I did that and I completely understand and acknowledge what I did set these things in motion. When I took time to take care of my mental health and got better, he ended it for good.

 

So he basically yelled at me, claiming my logic makes no sense. And it does hurt me that he can't be friends with my friends anymore. I want to consider his feelings and I don't want to hurt him, but he's just being mean and confusing at this point.

 

Am I wrong? Am I being unreasonable? Am I not seeing reality correctly?

 

You don't need to consider his feelings at all, and I advise against doing so. Like the others I think you need to go NC but if you've exhausted all the possibilities of doing so you'll have to tough it out. Focus on you all the time, his feelings don't mean a whole lot at this point.

 

He sounds like the loser in middle school. "I don't have any friends :(" yeah go soak your pillow in tears.

[SLee]

Well, you need to stop feeding the monster then. There's absolutely no reason for you to be having conversations with him about anything. Stay out of the apartment for as long as possible -- study in the library, go out with friends, maybe crash on the weekends with the friends that live off campus. Either way, it's not on him to stop having these conversations with you -- it's on you to stop taking the bait every damn time.

 

I think the thing you can work on with this breakup (besides self-control), is developing a better network of good friends. While dating in college and when you're young is fine, living with a romantic partner at that stage of life is not a good choice. College/early adulthood is a time to meet people and expand horizons, not be living together as a couple.

 

Either way, you have to be active to make this better. Getting sucked into nonsensical conversations with an ex is completely counterproductive, as is analyzing what he has to say.

Simon, I think you're completely right. I'm really taking in everyone's advice and applying it (even though I keep screwing up due to my own stupid fault). Every time I do, he freaks out. I'm honestly kind of scared of him and the way he acts.

 

I agree I need to take more action. It just sucks that I'm the one that has to lay down the law when he's the one who initiated the breakup.

 

And yeah, that's always good advice. I've working on my friendships that I neglected a bit during the relationship. No in hindsight, I completely agree. In fact, a lot of problems probably stemmed from living together and getting so committed to each other so fast when we are both so young and stupid.

 

I'm really avoiding him as much as humanely possible. I'm not trying to like get into his head with this stuff, to like figure him out. I don't know. I just don't understand his reasoning and I just need to figure out how to diffuse it I guess.

[Simon Phoenix]

Stop trying to understand his reasoning. It doesn't matter. He doesn't matter. Stop. As for diffusing, maybe lock your door when you're in your room. And if he ever blocks you from leaving, call the cops. Seriously. I bet if you do that, that will be the last time he pulls that stunt.

[hunk]

^ Basically all of this. Just stop thinking about him. He doesn't mean anything anymore, you're wasting your life even trying to analyze his actions. Literally wasting days of your own life for no reason. Stay with family, stay with friends, leave this loser alone.

[SLee]

Blocking the door was a real line crossing for me. He did that in the relationship too sometimes, like when we fought and I just wanted to go for a walk around the block or to the coffee shop down the street for a bit to cool down. He would literally block doors and prevent me from leaving. I should have seen that in the relationship, but now he's doing the same thing when we're not even together!? Like Jesus wept.

 

And yeah, I thought about it a lot today and you're all totally right. This is just so exhausting and ludicrous to me. It's not good for me and I have to do right by me.

 

I guess it's against my nature not to care, but if that's what it takes, it's what I'm going to have to do. Mainly now I'm just worried about setting him off in some hyper-aggressive rant mode. But, I'll have to take it as it comes.

 

Thank you everyone for replying!

[Ruby65]

Sweetie, I don't mean to be alarmist, but I'm a bit worried about your physical safety in this situation. Sometimes these things can escalate.

 

Have you told any friends or your parents what happened when he blocked you from leaving? The people in your life need to know what's going on. I think they'll be more likely to help you out of this situation if they know about it.

[SLee]

Hey all.

 

My ex and I still live together until our lease is up this summer. I have more on that in other threads, but the important thing to know is that I'm not home, going out with friends, staying with friends as much as possible until I can get on.

 

So a couple months back when my ex and I were still in relationship limbo land, he told me he didn't want an Easter present from my family. I respected it, and let my family know.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and he shows me a picture of the easter gift his family was making me. It struck me as odd (his family didn't know about the break up, mine did). I told him I didn't want/need it, and he insisted saying it was okay and just to accept it. I just kind of shrugged, not wanting to make it a fight not thinking of much harm a few pieces of Easter chocolate could do.

 

He told his family about the break up around 4 days ago.

 

So today a relative of his came to visit so I made sure to be gone all day, because I didn't need to be around it. I come home after my ex had gone to work later in the evening and I see on the counter a bunch of chocolate and treats and stuff, as well as two full cardboard envelopes of developed photographed. I knew one of them was for me.

 

It sent me into a rage. I refused to open the photographs but I'm just really, really aggravated and don't know what to do. I only excepted like a some candy or something and to say a polite thank you and go on. But sending me photographs when they KNEW about the break up just hurt me and made me so angry.

 

I'm guessing my ex lied and told his family that he and I are still friends and the break up was mutual. He tends to not be honest with his family when it comes to certain aspects of his life.

 

I respect his family a lot and I care for them still. If I don't accept the pictures (and store them away and dispose of them later), it's going to send my ex into a rage. If I do, than he gets away with justifying everything he does once again. I don't know what to do. Do I politely accept? Or send them back?

[Simon Phoenix]

Hey all.

 

My ex and I still live together until our lease is up this summer. I have more on that in other threads, but the important thing to know is that I'm not home, going out with friends, staying with friends as much as possible until I can get on.

 

So a couple months back when my ex and I were still in relationship limbo land, he told me he didn't want an Easter present from my family. I respected it, and let my family know.

 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and he shows me a picture of the easter gift his family was making me. It struck me as odd (his family didn't know about the break up, mine did). I told him I didn't want/need it, and he insisted saying it was okay and just to accept it. I just kind of shrugged, not wanting to make it a fight not thinking of much harm a few pieces of Easter chocolate could do.

 

He told his family about the break up around 4 days ago.

 

So today a relative of his came to visit so I made sure to be gone all day, because I didn't need to be around it. I come home after my ex had gone to work later in the evening and I see on the counter a bunch of chocolate and treats and stuff, as well as two full cardboard envelopes of developed photographed. I knew one of them was for me.

 

It sent me into a rage. I refused to open the photographs but I'm just really, really aggravated and don't know what to do. I only excepted like a some candy or something and to say a polite thank you and go on. But sending me photographs when they KNEW about the break up just hurt me and made me so angry.

 

I'm guessing my ex lied and told his family that he and I are still friends and the break up was mutual. He tends to not be honest with his family when it comes to certain aspects of his life.

 

I respect his family a lot and I care for them still. If I don't accept the pictures (and store them away and dispose of them later), it's going to send my ex into a rage. If I do, than he gets away with justifying everything he does once again. I don't know what to do. Do I politely accept? Or send them back?

 

Just leave them exactly where they are and don't move them.

[SLee]

Just leave them exactly where they are and don't move them.

I have. I've left them on the counter and have't touched them and I refuse to ever open them.

[Ronni_W]

I think...ask your ex if THIS relative knows about the break-up -- AND that you no longer want their gifts. There is no point feeling hurt by this relative if the relative doesn't even know that you've broken up.

 

If the ex was not honest, with this relative, about the break-up, then of course the ex cannot go into a rage if you privately just dispose of the unwanted gifts.

 

It is okay to still love and appreciate how this relative (and his other relatives) feel about you...you are not obligated to reject other people's love and goodwill just because you and your ex did not make it.

 

Love and hugs.

Edited May 9, 2015 by Ronni_W

[SLee]

Thanks Ronni!

 

Yes this relative knew about the breakup. He and the ex are really close. So basically everyone knew and they still gave me these photographs.

 

His family is wonderful and are very kind. However it just seems odd to me, because I can't imagine why they would do that if they he didn't lie to them about how I felt about the situation. I know they still care about me and if it was just a simple gift like candy or something, that'd be one thing, but right now, I just can't handle having any reminders of happy times with him and his family.

 

I hope that makes sense. Thanks for the hugs!

[Ronni_W]

I hope that makes sense. Thanks for the hugs!

I hear you, SLee.

The thing is...don't leave it up to him. You have had real, genuine relationships with all these people. Trust them to want to support you how YOU need to be supported. Tell them, personally, honestly and directly that you are hurting (which, of course they already know, and they're of the obviously-mistaken illusion that their gifts can somehow make you feel better), and ask them to hold off on the gift-giving for now. Tell them how much you do love them and appreciate their thoughtfulness...but you just can't handle it right now.

Take back the power that you do have. Don't leave your own well-being up to anybody else.

 

I would send as many hugs as would help you feel better. Break-ups do suck. The good thing is that you do have, within yourself, the love, wisdom and power to make it suck that little bit less. (Not much...but something, yes?)

[Simon Phoenix]

I would advise against talking to the relatives about it unless this becomes a regular occurrence. They are his relatives and you talking to them around him could make this situation really blow up.

 

I say just leave the pictures unopened. If the ex tries to force them on you after a while, refuse them or toss them. But going to his family is a recipe for drama and disaster.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

My ex's dad gave me a boat. Accept the gift as a kindness from the family, not an attack. It doesn't matter what your ex thinks. He can boost his ego thinking he's king about this all he wants, it's between you and his family.

 

If you don't want the gift, quietly dispose of it later.

[Mrlonelyone]

The OP living with her BF in college isn't that odd... Lots of young folks these days want to live together and get married ASAP. This is partly the cause and the effect that makes being over 30 and not married a red flag in some peoples minds. To each their own when it works more power to them.

 

Here is my opinion on this situation. I have been in a on and off relationship at your age and I was in a relationship with someone around your age.

 

IMHO while when I was that age the idea of getting married sounded like the thing to do, the goal to achieve, the box to check off... it is very wise of you to not marry this man.

 

Here is what you need to do.

 

As others have said limit all contact to only what is necessary to living together.

 

Paying the bills,

Paying the rent,

Arranging to move out and move on.

 

It is a tender question but if you are by any chance still having sex...stop that. I know it's easy, available, soothing physically and emotionally.... there are other people in the world to have that with and they won't block you from leaving.

 

Don't go to the wedding together, and stop doing couple things. (Or admit to eachother that you are for all intents and purposes a defacto couple.)

 

 

Maturity

 

On that last point really ask yourself how firm you are on the break up? It sounds like neither of you are super sure of anything regarding this. That is only natural. According to recent research a persons pre-frontal cortex, the seat of judgement and impulse control, the hallmarks of full maturity does not finish growing until you are 25 ish.

 

You started this relationship when you were 20 and he was 22. It has been 3.5 years..now he is almost 26 and you are almost 24. Females mature faster than males. Your knowing that you are not ready for marriage to any body speaks to a certain level of maturity. His response, thinking that your wanting to take things slow means you don't want him speaks to a level of immaturity on his part. He can outgrow that...

 

One other thing that people your age who have been in such relationships often under estimate is just how hard it can be to find anyone you can stand to be in a relationship with let alone live with. Consider all the people who are 30 and 35 and 40 + who have never done even that. I don't mean for you to fear being alone...there are many great things like not having a flaky immature person to worry on. I am saying that you should really sit and think systematically and analytically about this situation and ask yourself if you want it to be over.

 

If you want it to be over with him take the LC and NC steps to make it really be over.

If you, upon reflection, don't want it to be over then make it clear to him you don't want it to be over (relationships are never ever perfect...an old wise friend told me that today.)

 

Whatever you do make sure it comes from your thinking on it and feeling on it calmly. listen to your brain and heart.

[SLee]

Hey MrLonelyOne,

 

I just knew deep in my gut that neither of us were ready to commit to a marriage at that time, like we shouldn't have been considering it. We didn't even know what careers we wanted, let alone getting married.

 

I've limited contact with him as much as possible and don't initiate conversations with him at all. Ever.

 

Unfortunately, the wedding I'm committed to and it's two weeks. If I backed out now, the bride who is a very good friend of mine will never forgive me.

 

He tries to initiate intimacy with me very often. I shut that down every time.

 

As far as firmness, I would like to reconcile at some point, but I acknowledge that nothing is going to work at this point and not until we had serious time apart. He seems firm on the split, yet keeps asking me to hang out, joking about being a booty call when we move out, desires and enjoys my company, and makes weird comments about the uncertain future. I don't really buy into anything he says or analyze things so much as I did before. If anything, I pay attention to his actions.

 

The emotional immaturity was the biggest issue concerning him. Obviously my being too young and stupid to properly take care of my mental health contributed too. Everyone says I was the mature one, but I still doubt myself as to whether or not my lack of commitment at the time (last summer) was the right choice. At the time it was. It allowed me to make strides to get my mental health in check and figure out what I wanted in life. But he never had that.

 

I've always been the Spock of the relationship, in that I was always the more rational head thinker, and he was the heart thinker. That's still how we are. But we're just so young and part of me thinks "right person, wrong time".

 

I certainly don't want to be over, not for good anyway. If he comes back after a time, great. If not, I will be able to focus on my education and mental health and get into a much better spot with who I am and who I want to be. Either way, I win.

 

Honestly, analyzing the situation without the emotions taking too much of a hold helps me understand what is going on and what's happening to me. Him and I have never been without each other. I've always been his support system, not family or friends. He will feel the sting of loneliness once we move out and I'm actually gone.

 

He ended it with me, I want to go no contact after we move out and he has to figure out if this is what he actually wants. But I don't know how to articulate to him that I want to work things out if he ever does without coming off as needy or desperate or holding on to hope.

 

Right now he just makes me mad a lot, I don't argue with because I mainly vent to my friends and family and LS!

 

For the moment, I think I just have to do right by myself I think.

 

Relationships are never perfect, and I know that. He still holds onto this idea that it should just be easy and you should just feel the honeymoon-love 100% of the time.

 

Once he takes responsibility for his actions, then I'll know he's changed. Until then, or if then, nothing is going to work at this point. I've accepted that. Even if it kills me emotionally.

 

Thank you for replying, you're very wise.

[Simon Phoenix]

I can not fathom why you would want to reconcile with this guy. He sounds like an extreme douche. I mean, you're young. You can definitely do better. Stop setting your goals so low.

[SLee]

Hey, Simon! Thanks for replying.

 

Honestly, I find myself asking the same question much of the time and it frustrates me endlessly. 18 year old me (the spunky independent young woman) would be beating the crud out of me right now. And honestly it frustrates me more that I DO see it, but fall back into the pits all over again on a dime.

 

I mean I guess it's complicated because we DO/DID have a connection. There was a lot there. There was a lot of good. And emotions get the better of me.

 

I'm also probably pretty naive in some ways. This was my first serious relationship on all levels. It's hard to think of being with anyone else or having something like this again, because I neger have.

 

Like everything in my life is right now, it's a work in progress I guess.