The Brady Bunch?

[Grapesofwrath]

Need a little help figuring out a situation:

About a year ago, I met a nice, single man when our sons played on the same little league baseball team. He was newly separated, and I was a couple years post-divorce. Turned out we are neighbors. Nothing happened for several months, and that was all fine with me. I was recovering from a difficult relationship and was just into having fun. Our kids would occasionally play together, and that was great.

 

One day he texted me to see if I'd like to get together for a glass of wine, just the two of us. We got together (on my birthday) and he had planned a wonderful beach picnic for us, very romantic. We had a great time together, talking and laughing. It was really such a perfect evening. We spent the night together that night—spontaneously--and several times again after that, when our custody schedules would allow. He would usually initiate these dates, as I tend to be less aggressive with that stuff and prefer the man to do it. (Though not always. I will ask sometimes.) We would have long, rambling talks and he allowed himself to be vulnerable with me. Sometimes shedding tears over the divorce.

 

Unfortunately, our schedules didn’t frequently line up, so we couldn’t see each other often. The time spent alone started to dwindle and he would occasionally ask if our boys could get together. Even that often didn’t work, because of the custody schedule.

 

Over the months, we would get together with all the kids sometimes and that was always fun. We would dance, play cards, play charades, and have a great time. The kids would sleepover together, but not us grown-ups. I started seeing other people, and he did as well.

 

Recently, our schedules started lining up more and we arranged more time together, en famille. Couple weeks ago we hung out together, just the two of us. We snuggled a lot, but no kissing or any other physical stuff. This past weekend, I invited his son over to play with my boy. He came along too, bottle of wine in hand, and we hung out together while the kids all played (wasn’t expecting that). Some neighbors dropped by with their kids, and it was a fun little party. Lots of laughing and stories.

 

During the evening, he suggested things that we could do together with the kids (baseball games, camping, etc.) and also suggested a couple things he and I could do alone together. He’s done this before, but then doesn’t follow through with the actual invitation. For example, upon leaving he said, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” but I don’t think he’s going to do that.

 

I know the best way to find out is to ask him directly, but I’m feeling vulnerable. Anyone out there have some insight into what might be going on here? Does he just want to be friends? Moving slowly because there are kids in the mix?

[Gary S]

It sounds like he is on the rebound and not falling for you, but you are falling for him. Or, maybe you just want more than him at this point.

 

Just so you know, a year is a long time to date without having a relationship/falling in love.... when solid relationships form, it's usually with a few months - not a year or more.

[DatingDirection]

Well, I just put a post on her, explaining how I finally told the guy I liked how I felt about him after 9 months. I think you should just come out and tell him how you feel about him, and be straight forward about what it is you like about him. Then see what he says to that.

 

 

My only feeling I have, from what you wrote, is that he may genuinely like you, as a friend, but if he's crying about his divorce and to you on top of that, he may see you as a comforting friend. Which is great too, nothing wrogn with that. Also it's a big red flag when a man tells you he will call you and doesn't follow through, and doesn't follow through on the plans you suggested to make with him, as you mentioned. So yes, tell him how you feel, be very clear, and then see what he says. If you're getting strong feelings for him, then don't let him take advantage of you, by being a fair weather friend, if he's doing that? But than again, it's all about your own boundaries, and what you're ok with, and what your not ok with. You will find that becomes clearer once you get a reply from him, after you tell him how you feel about him. I hope this helps.

[Mrin]

Ok i see this a little differently. It is a good thing you didn't connect up a year ago as for sure you would have just been a rebound. But in the last year he's dated around, you guys have hooked up and you've kinda felt each other out kids wise.

 

This is what I'd do. I'd sit down with him and say, "look, as divorcees we are afforded the luxury of being matter of fact. You're now a year away from your divorce and have had some time to think. What are you looking for (with me)?"

 

Objection: You said that you feel vulnerable. What I want to you realize is that being direct like this is coming from a place of strength not vulnerability. You're not professing your fondness for him. You're just saying, "what do you want?" Your time is valuable given your custody schedule. Why waste it on a guy who doesn't know what he wants.

 

If you're still not convinced look at it this way. This casual dating thing didn't work out for you and him in the last year because of your custody schedules. The only way to make something real work like this is to be able to be in a relationship around your kids and have a Brady Bunch. But you for sure aren't going to do that in front of your kids unless he's serious. So ask him point blank - are you serious? If not, let's dispense with the romance and be friends.

 

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

 

Last thing: as someone who has a Brady Bunch (yep - 2 boys and 2 girls ages: 9, 10, 11, 12 - interlaced) I can tell you it can be a REALLY cool thing if the kids and the parents are game for making it work.

[Grapesofwrath]

Objection: You said that you feel vulnerable. What I want to you realize is that being direct like this is coming from a place of strength not vulnerability. You're not professing your fondness for him. You're just saying, "what do you want?" Your time is valuable given your custody schedule. Why waste it on a guy who doesn't know what he wants.

 

If you're still not convinced look at it this way. This casual dating thing didn't work out for you and him in the last year because of your custody schedules. The only way to make something real work like this is to be able to be in a relationship around your kids and have a Brady Bunch. But you for sure aren't going to do that in front of your kids unless he's serious. So ask him point blank - are you serious? If not, let's dispense with the romance and be friends.

 

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

 

Last thing: as someone who has a Brady Bunch (yep - 2 boys and 2 girls ages: 9, 10, 11, 12 - interlaced) I can tell you it can be a REALLY cool thing if the kids and the parents are game for making it work.

 

thanks, Mrin. I think you are getting the picture. We have a lot of fun hanging out together, with our kids. (they are same ages as your group, though it's 3 boys and 1 girl with us.) His kids love to come over and always beg to stay longer at my house. I think, in the beginning, he was going through a lot and wasn't ready for a relationship. I get it.

 

Now that it's been a while, I think he might be more ready and he's seeing that we all have fun together and gel. Neither one of us is going to start to be "out" in front of our kids unless we are completely positive that there is a future in it.

 

Also, I want to point out that he is a really good person. Full of integrity and strong character. Trustworthy, etc. He doesn't use women for sex. I really like this about him. I think he gives these matters a lot of thought before he acts. For example, our boys were on the same little league team for 5 months before he asked me on a date because he didn't want the baseball games to get weird if the date didn't work out. Once he got me alone, though, he told me how beautiful and amazing he thinks I am. That's a man who doesn't rush into things, on the one hand, but then on the other he can be spontaneous. I dunno.