Author misty12 Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 Some responses above. When my daughters ask me about love (and marriage) I also tell them to not focus on weather a boy says they "feel love for them" and talk to them about what he does for them - how he treats them, how he behaves compared to other girls, in other words how loving he ...acts... to them. Often many of the posts here (on marriage or relationships and love) ultimately come down to a dissection of the actions of the partner as tests for love. I don't see people asking "well does he/she say they feel love for you?" A boy would be acting loving towards your daughter because he feels love. The feeling has to exist first. And your 'choice' to act loving towards your kids is based on chemical reactions in your brain. You would do it instinctively in a situation where there was no time to think, no matter how unhappy you were with their behavior. It's not as distinguishable from feelings as you think it is. 2
autumnnight Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I think to say the two - feeling and some practical, analytical choice - are mutually exclusive is - to use the scientific term - utterly stupid. And what's more, it can be extremely hurtful. I lived in this kind of marriage. I wanted the marriage people in my extended family had - one of commitment and choice, yes, but there was also affection, obvious feelings of care, romantic love. My ex saw marriage the way his parents did - a practical partnership with someone who is good for you where you share bills and children. Maybe neither of those definitions are "wrong," but I can tell you they were painfully and soul-crushingly incompatible. I didn't CARE about the lawn or whether he sacrificed his lunch money for me. I wanted him to touch me, to WANT me. So no thank you, I'll pass on the man who says love should be some practical martyr role where he mows the lawn and takes out the trash. I can hire people for that. I want an actual romantic partner. 1
Robert Z Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) Maybe neither of those definitions are "wrong," but I can tell you they were painfully and soul-crushingly incompatible. I didn't CARE about the lawn or whether he sacrificed his lunch money for me. I wanted him to touch me, to WANT me. So no thank you, I'll pass on the man who says love should be some practical martyr role where he mows the lawn and takes out the trash. I can hire people for that. I want an actual romantic partner. Emphasis mine. You and me both. My I think my ex always saw our marriage as a practical matter. And it devastated my life. If women want a gardener or mechanic, hire them. If you want a bank account, get a sugar daddy. If you want babies, go to a sperm bank. But don't marry unless you want a lover. Anything less is a good way to ruin a man's life. Of course that's assuming you give a damn. And I really have to believe that many women don't. Edited April 29, 2015 by Robert Z 2
autumnnight Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Emphasis mine. You and me both. My I think my ex always saw our marriage as a practical matter. And it devastated my life. If women want a gardener or mechanic, hire them. If you want a bank account, get a sugar daddy. If you want babies, go to a sperm bank. But don't marry unless you want a lover. Anything less is a good way to ruin a man's life. Of course that's assuming you give a damn. And I really have to believe that many women don't. I think there are people who just really don't need or want the romantic side, who deem it a silly phase that's best over. Reading on forums, there certainly are mixed ideas on things like sex. And you know, that's fine. You want a platonic and practical partnership? Go for it. But make darn sure your potential spouse is equally aromantic or asexual.
Robert Z Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I think there are people who just really don't need or want the romantic side, who deem it a silly phase that's best over. Reading on forums, there certainly are mixed ideas on things like sex. And you know, that's fine. You want a platonic and practical partnership? Go for it. But make darn sure your potential spouse is equally aromantic or asexual. Yes, no doubt some men just want a practical family. When women here have mentioned that sex isn't all that important to them, I suggested putting that on their online dating profile. How many do you suppose changed their profiles, or would? How about this as a dating profile: Not interested in sex or romantic love. Just looking for baby machine and mechanic.
Giggle Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 Shrug. I know my ex still loved me even though he cheated and ultimately left me for her. We weren't good with each other. We each didn't get all we needed out of our relationship. We still loved each other. I was sad he did it, but I understood. I wanted him to be happy and that wasn't with me, so I let him go without fighting. My ..er.. Something or other still loves his wife, they've been together 15 years, but he doesn't want to have that kind of relationship with her anymore. He isn't going anywhere because of his kids. He loves me too. Sometimes we don't like his actions but sometimes people suck. People see things differently and arguing the point is silly. If you see it that differently than you aren't compatible. I think RobertZ is bang on
Popsicle Posted April 30, 2015 Posted April 30, 2015 I often read on forums like this that love is an action, not a feeling. I told my therapist about this, and she said she has never heard of that, nor does she understand it. If that is the case, then what's separates your spouse or your children from other people? So, of course it's a feeling. Yes, you can act in loving ways towards anybody. But that does not mean there is not a differentiation in your feelings between different people. You are not obligated to stay in a relationship and show love to somebody who you do not feel love for. Yes, feel. Just wanted to know what others thoughts are. I agree with you.
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