Carm Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 Thanks.. .. I guess only time will tell if he wants to change that for me.. If not then of course that would be a reason for me to reconsider the relationship... But I'm not too worried that he won't. You seem too sure but you don't REALLY know the guy. Until you've spent one full year with him can you say 'I'm not too worried that he won't".
Author ls819 Posted April 27, 2015 Author Posted April 27, 2015 (edited) You seem too sure but you don't REALLY know the guy. Until you've spent one full year with him can you say 'I'm not too worried that he won't". Are you in a relationship right now? Edited April 27, 2015 by ls819
Carm Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 Are you in a relationship right now? I am. Ten months and everything is wonderful but I'm still learning about him everyday. Even though I'm feeling positive about this I'm still letting the relationship evolve naturally. I won't say I love him to the moon and back.... Look I'm older than you so I tend to be more realistic and want to take things slowly. If I felt I needed to fix things about him then I would say this relationship isn't the right one for me.
Author ls819 Posted April 27, 2015 Author Posted April 27, 2015 I am. Ten months and everything is wonderful but I'm still learning about him everyday. Even though I'm feeling positive about this I'm still letting the relationship evolve naturally. I won't say I love him to the moon and back.... Look I'm older than you so I tend to be more realistic and want to take things slowly. If I felt I needed to fix things about him then I would say this relationship isn't the right one for me. You must make stuff up in your head when you read my post.. Just because you're older doesn't mean you are more realistic with your relationship. Age doesn't have anything to do with it...besides I'm not young where I haven't dated a decent amount of guys. I'm not a naive child...and I said I didn't want to fix him... I want him to fix something that's important to me which is for him to learn how to compromise. If its not important for Him to fix that then yes we won't work. Ten months is a long time and if everything is completely wonderful..good for you... But I hope your old enough and not naive to realize that its normal to have disagreements and have some issues that arise.. Unless your just in denial...just because you have 7 more months on me doesn't mean my relationship is going to be like yours. Or how you feel is how I should feel. My relationship is really good and it has only been this one issue bothering me... I just came on here to get suggestions on how to approach it to my man... Maybe you don't love your man...but I can say I do.
veggirl Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 Your bf sounds like a total *******. He can't even act like a normal human being during a drink with your friends? And you put up with that sh*t and just leave with him? You are a doormat, he knows it. Why would he change, he doesn't have to, you will put up with whatever he wants anyway and he knows it.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 OP, it's clear he doesn't have the same level of respect for you that you do for him. You flat-out said he didn't make an effort to enjoy himself on a night out with your friends - sounds pretty self-centred to me. He doesn't make an effort to try things you like. Yet you do this for him. You shouldn't need to have a talk with him about this or want him to "fix" these things. It should be something that comes a bit more naturally. He isn't going to suddenly change for you. The relationship sounds very one-sided...you're trying to appease him but he doesn't reciprocate. That doesn't sound like a supportive, fulfilling relationship. It sounds like it's on his terms. What does that tell you about his level on interest in you? This after only three months isn't a great sign. Talk to him if you want but try to understand that people are who they are. If it doesn't come naturally to him to at least try to be polite with your friends and try to find out what interests you, it doesn't bode well for a future together. 1
Author ls819 Posted April 27, 2015 Author Posted April 27, 2015 Your bf sounds like a total *******. He can't even act like a normal human being during a drink with your friends? And you put up with that sh*t and just leave with him? You are a doormat, he knows it. Why would he change, he doesn't have to, you will put up with whatever he wants anyway and he knows it. Lol..I'm really not a doormat.. Yes I left with him for that One time. But I don't expect him to read my mind and like I said over and over I want him to fix the fact that he has to learn to compromise. (My only reason for writing this was to get suggestions on approaching it) .. If he wants to stay with me... And I am sure he will fix that because he would be scared to lose me... FYI if my bf was an ******* he would have be dumped already without question.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Lol..I'm really not a doormat.. Yes I left with him for that One time. But I don't expect him to read my mind and like I said over and over I want him to fix the fact that he has to learn to compromise. (My only reason for writing this was to get suggestions on approaching it) .. If he wants to stay with me... And I am sure he will fix that because he would be scared to lose me... FYI if my bf was an ******* he would have be dumped already without question.[/QUOTE] Well, apparently not. I think causing you to feel so uncomfortable on a night out with your friends that you had to leave before even ordering a drink is rather an a-hole move. And you didn't go anywhere. You shouldn't need to follow your boyfriend out of a bar/restaurant/wherever because he's sulking. What exactly was he saying or doing that led to this failed night out? How did your friends react? Unfortunately, you can't make a person learn something. They are who they are. All you can do is offer some different plans, suggest some new activities. If he's not up for it, then you have a bigger problem with incompatibility.
Author ls819 Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Well, apparently not. I think causing you to feel so uncomfortable on a night out with your friends that you had to leave before even ordering a drink is rather an a-hole move. And you didn't go anywhere. You shouldn't need to follow your boyfriend out of a bar/restaurant/wherever because he's sulking. What exactly was he saying or doing that led to this failed night out? How did your friends react? Unfortunately, you can't make a person learn something. They are who they are. All you can do is offer some different plans, suggest some new activities. If he's not up for it, then you have a bigger problem with incompatibility. To be more detailed my bf didn't want to be there because my best friend (who invited me) is an ex from a Long time ago. And my bf didn't say anything he just didn't get to sit down because my friend was sitting at the end of the booth and didn't move his chair and my bf didn't ask him to move it...that's why it was awkward but my bf didn't say anything to embaress me. My bf and I are compatible.. That was never an issue ..I just want him to be more open to things I like to do .. and he's the one who said he wants to settle down and not be in a meaningless relationship so its a good chance if he says he'll fix this that he will because our relationship means a lot to him
Carm Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 You must make stuff up in your head when you read my post.. Just because you're older doesn't mean you are more realistic with your relationship. Age doesn't have anything to do with it...besides I'm not young where I haven't dated a decent amount of guys. I'm not a naive child...and I said I didn't want to fix him... I want him to fix something that's important to me which is for him to learn how to compromise. If its not important for Him to fix that then yes we won't work. Ten months is a long time and if everything is completely wonderful..good for you... But I hope your old enough and not naive to realize that its normal to have disagreements and have some issues that arise.. Unless your just in denial...just because you have 7 more months on me doesn't mean my relationship is going to be like yours. Or how you feel is how I should feel. My relationship is really good and it has only been this one issue bothering me... I just came on here to get suggestions on how to approach it to my man... Maybe you don't love your man...but I can say I do. "but I have one issue that I feel he needs to fix" It is naïve to think that you love this man at 3 months to the moon and back. So you love him but then you say "If its not important for Him to fix that then yes we won't work". When you truly love, then you love with all the flaws. Contrary to what you say, I don't make stuff up in my mind. I am more realistic with what I say and if I said I love my new bf to the moon and back then I'd be throwing a lot of ILU's all over the city.
Author ls819 Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 "but I have one issue that I feel he needs to fix" It is naïve to think that you love this man at 3 months to the moon and back. So you love him but then you say "If its not important for Him to fix that then yes we won't work". When you truly love, then you love with all the flaws. You can love someone and it still not work.. If he's not willing to compromise then it doesn't matter if he was with me or someone else it won't work regardless.. Listen you don't love your bf after 10 mo to the moon and back.. I'm not gonna tell you you're wrong for feeling that way... Its how you feel. I do love my bf to the moon and back and you not even knowing me can't argue how I feel.. Its like beating a dead horse...no point.. I can write all the reasons why I feel the way I do and I'm sure you'll find reasons in ur opinion why I'm wrong. I've been single for over two years ... finding what I like and what's important to me when it comes to relationships... I didn't feel the need to just get up and run into one.. I'm happy except for the one reason I wrote this post. And I don't expect my bf to read my mind so obviously I want to communicate to him how I feel so that we can work on making the relationship even greater than it is. If you want to sit behind your computer and tell me your 10 mo relationship has been soooo "wonderful" like you never had any issues to work out as a couple .. you're definitely in denial.. And good luck to you
Author ls819 Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Contrary to what you say, I don't make stuff up in my mind. I am more realistic with what I say and if I said I love my new bf to the moon and back then I'd be throwing a lot of ILU's all over the city. Damn if you've been in that many relationships then you're not one people should be looking for relationship advice from...
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 He likes to race cars, fish, hunt and I tag along he says he doesn't like the food usually at the fancy places in the Hamptons. He rather go to 711 . Then he "tried" to go out with my group of guy friends but that failed completely because he didn't make an effort and we left before I could even order a drink. If your friends included an EX, of course he was going to be uncomfortable. Did he know somebody who had previously seen you naked was going to be there? If you sprang that very important piece of info on him after he arrived, no wonder he was quick to leave. You are going to be hard pressed to get a good ole boy to like the Hamptons. To him the Hamptons will feel like Mars and to the snooty people who inhabit the east end, he will seem like an alien. That posh judgmental crowd will also not accept him if he's not fake & wearing designer clothes. I spent enough summers out there to know of what I speak. At best you might get him to Montauk with a stop at Lunch along the way. Maybe, if you can get him to agree to those you can gradually get him to appreciate some of your other choices but it must be a gradual process if it's going to happen. I do not see a lot of hope for you two to mesh these vastly different worlds. 3
Carm Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Contrary to what you say, I don't make stuff up in my mind. I am more realistic with what I say and if I said I love my new bf to the moon and back then I'd be throwing a lot of ILU's all over the city. Damn if you've been in that many relationships then you're not one people should be looking for relationship advice from... Now now young girl....I said IF I said that to all the men I've dated for 3 months then I'd be throwing ILU's all over the city. At three months, I would still consider that I'm getting to know him scenario not a real relationship at that point. At this point you are seeing him through rose coloured glasses. Was married for 17 years so I think I can give some relationship advice.
Buddhist Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Then he "tried" to go out with my group of guy friends but that failed completely because he didn't make an effort and we left before I could even order a drink. It was so embarrassing to get up in front of my friends when my bf made it obvious he didn't want to be there.... Any suggestions? That's incredibly immature and a passive aggressive manipulation. You should have sent him home by himself and then re-thought your desire to want to spend a lifetime with this person. It's your choice really, but he's clearly telling you he has no intention of allowing you the things you enjoy in life and being with him will mean you either enjoy his past-times or enjoy nothing at all. I know what I would do with that kind of expectation, and it wouldn't be a comfortable moment for him.... The thing is, manipulation always starts off small, so you compromise, and gradually over time you are compromising over everything no matter how large a matter it is. He's laying his expectations on the line here, do you really want this to be the pattern of your life?
Author ls819 Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Donnivan... My bf knew prior to going BC my mom told him awhile ago..so I understand how he may feel... And I do appreciate that he agreed to go.. And the Hamptons is different but I love it there in the Summers I love going to Hampton Bays to Cowfish or Rumba..or going to Huntington to Besito... definitely recommend it if you go there.. I just want him to the try these places at least once. We went to Montauk which was nice and went to the beach.. I'm gonna try fishing for him so I just want him to try and he says he will so time will tell...
Art_Critic Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 my one burning issue with my bf A burning issue is something you don't want to deal with 3 months in It is only a three-month relationship. You really shouldn't see a future with a man until you have seen him through an entire year - all four seasons - for this very reason: This is a HUGE issue and not something he will ever fix. You either accept him the way he is or you don't. Frankly, I do not ever see this ending well. You have already dabbled with trying to get him out of his comfort zone and it ended badly. Just face the facts now - early on - and realize that what you really want in a partner does not exist in this guy. I second Carrie's advice
anna121 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 You keep saying it's JUST this one issue. Inability to compromise is a HUGE problem if two people have incompatible likes and dislikes. It will, eventually, doom your relationship or cause you to be very, very unhappy. That's why people are on your case. I hope it works out for you. 2
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) Is819, if you want to dine at nice restaurants, go with a friend or family member. Your boyfriend has no desire, and pushing him to go when he has no desire is an exercise in futility. He will be uncomfortable, which in turn will make YOU uncomfortable, you spent a ton of money for basically nothing (except maybe some good food), but if he's gonna be miserable the whole time, what's the point? Learn to give YOURSELF the things he can't. Accept and appreciate what he DOES give. Embrace your differences! And love him for who he is RIGHT NOW. Just as he is RIGHT NOW. If you can't do that, then move on. Edited April 28, 2015 by katiegrl 2
ExpatInItaly Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Well, apparently not. I think causing you to feel so uncomfortable on a night out with your friends that you had to leave before even ordering a drink is rather an a-hole move. And you didn't go anywhere. You shouldn't need to follow your boyfriend out of a bar/restaurant/wherever because he's sulking. What exactly was he saying or doing that led to this failed night out? How did your friends react? Unfortunately, you can't make a person learn something. They are who they are. All you can do is offer some different plans, suggest some new activities. If he's not up for it, then you have a bigger problem with incompatibility. To be more detailed my bf didn't want to be there because my best friend (who invited me) is an ex from a Long time ago. And my bf didn't say anything he just didn't get to sit down because my friend was sitting at the end of the booth and didn't move his chair and my bf didn't ask him to move it...that's why it was awkward but my bf didn't say anything to embaress me. My bf and I are compatible.. That was never an issue ..I just want him to be more open to things I like to do .. and he's the one who said he wants to settle down and not be in a meaningless relationship so its a good chance if he says he'll fix this that he will because our relationship means a lot to him Well, now you tell us! Of course he wasn't comfortable. What did you expect? Were you honest from the beginning about who your best friend actually is? If not, then you have bigger problems that incompatibility. And if you've asked him to do things with you and his response is "time will tell..." Girl. Come on, now. Even you can see that's not exactly a positive response.
darkmoon Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) he did not make an effort with your group of guy friends? perhaps he felt out-manoevred, outnumbered, one might secretly fancy you, this does happen, and he noticed a jealous look from him do your group of male freinds not have girlfriends? you meet up with a sports team? i feel sorry for your boyf, you seem annoyed at him while your guy friends are on a pedestal perfected, tbh Edited April 28, 2015 by darkmoon
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Introducing your Boyfriend to guy friends shouldn't be done too soon. You should also assess how the situation might go down. If your BF is a quieter guy, and all of your guy friends are the super loud alpha types, he will probably feel really threatened and won't feel like he fits in. It would be like if I introduced my new GF to a couple female friends of mine and they were runway models with outgoing personalities and my GF was only average looking and introverted - she would feel threatened. 1
Author ls819 Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Is819, if you want to dine at nice restaurants, go with a friend or family member. Your boyfriend has no desire, and pushing him to go when he has no desire is an exercise in futility. He will be uncomfortable, which in turn will make YOU uncomfortable, you spent a ton of money for basically nothing (except maybe some good food), but if he's gonna be miserable the whole time, what's the point? Learn to give YOURSELF the things he can't. Accept and appreciate what he DOES give. Embrace your differences! And love him for who he is RIGHT NOW. Just as he is RIGHT NOW. If you can't do that, then move on. I do love my bf for who he is right now... I've been saying I love him.. If I didn't I would not waste my time.. I go to 711 and Fridays like he wants and I just want him to do things I like to do also. To me going out to eat to a nice place is not a waste and it's not that he wouldn't try for me... It was how to approach him about this issue of making a compromise for me the way I compromise and try things he enjoys. I don't push people around and I would never push my bf around and expect him to still be around
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I do love my bf for who he is right now... I've been saying I love him.. If I didn't I would not waste my time.. I go to 711 and Fridays like he wants and I just want him to do things I like to do also. To me going out to eat to a nice place is not a waste and it's not that he wouldn't try for me... It was how to approach him about this issue of making a compromise for me the way I compromise and try things he enjoys. I don't push people around and I would never push my bf around and expect him to still be around Just tell him you love him, you know he loves you, and that it would mean a lot to you if he would go with you... or at least try it out. Assure him the food will be great, the ambiance awesome and that he will have a great time! I dunno, seems pretty simple...not sure what you're struggling with.
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