What am I feeling?

[Clarkwg]

I know it sounds kind of stupid to ask others what one himself is feeling but I'm quite confused about it all really so I wanted a bit of advice from others.

I was in a relationship for nearly a decade, very on off with a girl who you would best describe as unstable & we have a child together. She is the kind of girl that don't know what she wants, changes her mind very often, uses drugs, emotional problems, anger issues, controlling, selfish, very disrespectful etc etc.

Anyway at the end of last year our relationship broke down for the 100th time (slight exaggeration).

I was totally cool with this as I had really really had enough & I'd spent enough time, energy, emotion on this girl who ultimately didn't make me happy or make me feel secure or loved. I thought I deserved to do better than that.

Then a month after we split she starts a relationship with an old flame who has been her "friend" throughout our time together.

Upon realising this it sent me mad with jealousy & made me think I wanted her & needed her more than anything. After a couple of months of little contact she then tells me she has split with this guy & starts having family days out with me all at my expense (knowing I'm trying to win her back). She lead me on good & proper to the point where she got intimate with me for half an hour to then stop & say it's not what she wants then two days later ends up back with her new man. At that point I blocked her number so she can never send me misleading txt messages or phone calls she can only leave me a voice mail.

The problem is I have a child with her so she is always gonna play some part in my life but I need to move on from her, how do I do this?

As far as I know she is still with this bloke who makes her really happy & he is welcome to her as he will in time have all the crap I had, I deserve better & in time will hopefully get better but just for now although my head & all my friends & family tell me how she is no good for me, there is something in my heart that tells me I'd take her back in a heart beat, am I mental?

I know all her horrible flaws & she is not good for me & she has used & abused me so why do I still feel like this? I hate the fact that I do & if I could switch it off I would but it just won't leave me...help!

[PegNosePete]

I'd take her back in a heart beat, am I mental?

Yes, totally.

 

I know all her horrible flaws & she is not good for me & she has used & abused me so why do I still feel like this?

It's called codependence.

[dangerbang]

It sounds similar to someone I split with recent. Your ex is seriously unstable. She will probably never be happy. She is completely unself aware too. Look up borderline personality disorder, that's really what it sounds like.

Did you notice yourself being dragged down to her level? Like did you act in ways you've never done before?

You just have to let go of the romantic feelings, and focus on yourself becoming a better person and losing the co-dependence. That's all it was, you had become one toxic entity instead of you being a happy man on your own.

Try and be as unemotional around her as possible when you have to be with dealings with the child. She's always going to have different men whatever takes her fancy.

Who do you think will be happy in 10 or 20 years time? You or her?

[Clarkwg]

It sounds similar to someone I split with recent. Your ex is seriously unstable. She will probably never be happy. She is completely unself aware too. Look up borderline personality disorder, that's really what it sounds like.

Did you notice yourself being dragged down to her level? Like did you act in ways you've never done before?

You just have to let go of the romantic feelings, and focus on yourself becoming a better person and losing the co-dependence. That's all it was, you had become one toxic entity instead of you being a happy man on your own.

Try and be as unemotional around her as possible when you have to be with dealings with the child. She's always going to have different men whatever takes her fancy.

Who do you think will be happy in 10 or 20 years time? You or her?

 

She definitely dragged me down to (not quite) her level & had me act & say/do things which are not characteristic of me. She has always been a bit miserable even when she's happy. As for the other blokes in her life, she has had quite a few relationships yet her longest relationship besides me was 2 years. She is a pretty girl & can attract men but can't keep them. I guess I was a mug blinded by her looks & I let her walk all over me.

[dangerbang]

She definitely dragged me down to (not quite) her level & had me act & say/do things which are not characteristic of me. She has always been a bit miserable even when she's happy. As for the other blokes in her life, she has had quite a few relationships yet her longest relationship besides me was 2 years. She is a pretty girl & can attract men but can't keep them. I guess I was a mug blinded by her looks & I let her walk all over me.

 

Ditto. Mine was gorgeous, sad to say but if she wasn't I would have walked at the first sign of her madness. Use this as a lesson as to what you'll accept going forward. Focus on your own shortcomings and not hers.

[Clarkwg]

Ditto. Mine was gorgeous, sad to say but if she wasn't I would have walked at the first sign of her madness. Use this as a lesson as to what you'll accept going forward. Focus on your own shortcomings and not hers.

 

Haha my thoughts exactly.

She has a habit of going for people beneath her in that respect as the current one is very ugly, one before me was twice her age etc, it's just as if she chooses them like that so they are easier to manipulate as they wouldn't ever get someone as pretty as her again. I guess I fell right in to her trap (although I'm not that ugly or old)

[dangerbang]

She definitely dragged me down to (not quite) her level & had me act & say/do things which are not characteristic of me. She has always been a bit miserable even when she's happy. As for the other blokes in her life, she has had quite a few relationships yet her longest relationship besides me was 2 years. She is a pretty girl & can attract men but can't keep them. I guess I was a mug blinded by her looks & I let her walk all over me.

 

Is she from a damaged background?

[Clarkwg]

Is she from a damaged background?

 

No not that I know of.

She has always had a low opinion of men though even from before I got with her she used to say "all men only want one thing" & things like that.

She is also quite independent & likes her own space from time to time

[mightycpa]

She's unstable? Then you're going to have to be the stable one, and manage the terms of the relationship. Because of the child, you can't block all forms of communications. What if there's an emergency? What if she's arrested for her drug use? What if there's trouble at school? What if you need to be a babysitter one night? What if .... you need to basically be on call for the child.

 

So you have an additional mental challenge, which is to stay physically available and in touch, but emotionally in NC. Don't do things with her. Do things with the child. Establish a schedule, a routine and stick to it. Don't do things "as a family" until you're ready. I understand the pull this woman has on you, and other any other circumstances, the advice would be to cut her out of your life like a cancerous tumor. You can't do that, so you have to do the next best thing.

[Clarkwg]

She's unstable? Then you're going to have to be the stable one, and manage the terms of the relationship. Because of the child, you can't block all forms of communications. What if there's an emergency? What if she's arrested for her drug use? What if there's trouble at school? What if you need to be a babysitter one night? What if .... you need to basically be on call for the child.

 

So you have an additional mental challenge, which is to stay physically available and in touch, but emotionally in NC. Don't do things with her. Do things with the child. Establish a schedule, a routine and stick to it. Don't do things "as a family" until you're ready. I understand the pull this woman has on you, and other any other circumstances, the advice would be to cut her out of your life like a cancerous tumor. You can't do that, so you have to do the next best thing.

Iv blocked her phone number to stop her txting me about nonsense to lure me back in or keep he hanging.

If in case of an emergency she can dial my number & leave a voicemail which I will receive in 5-10 seconds (I experimented numerous times with different peoples phones before I did it) I can then ring her straight back if it's important. I don't plan on this measure being for life just until I feel I can deal with her without feeling that emotional attachment.

[totenkopf]

Haha my thoughts exactly.

She has a habit of going for people beneath her in that respect as the current one is very ugly, one before me was twice her age etc, it's just as if she chooses them like that so they are easier to manipulate as they wouldn't ever get someone as pretty as her again. I guess I fell right in to her trap (although I'm not that ugly or old)

 

Sounds just like my ex girlfriend she was with some ugly fat guy before me who she even refered to as " fat guy" that lasted a few months then me now she is with another fat guy who is even uglier in looks and personality. He is thick as two short planks so theres the manipulation ease. I really think these people need someone they can manipulate and control unlike myself who would question and think for myself.

[Clarkwg]

Sounds just like my ex girlfriend she was with some ugly fat guy before me who she even refered to as " fat guy" that lasted a few months then me now she is with another fat guy who is even uglier in looks and personality. He is thick as two short planks so theres the manipulation ease. I really think these people need someone they can manipulate and control unlike myself who would question and think for myself.

 

Too much in common, it's probably the same girl haha.

[Clarkwg]

Look up borderline personality disorder, that's really what it sounds like.

 

Before you posted this I didn't have a clue about borderline personalaity disorder.

Iv now spent the last two hours reading up on it & it is 100% her, I can't believe how accurate it is to her ways.

This has made my happy in a selfish kind of way because she used to blame me for all kinds of things & make me doubt myself & my contribution to the relationship but having read up on it it seems I was up against it all along & did well to hang on in there as long as I did.

Thanks for posting.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear your story. I am firmly convinced (after much reflection on this issue) that in some relationships there are unconscious ties that bind us to the other person. On the surface, that person can be absolutely wrong for us, yet something draws us and links us to them. We can tell ourselves all the rational things, that they are bad for us, never felt the same as we did, etc., but we struggle because those ties are there. The question is what are they and how do we untangle them, because then we would be free.

 

It is partly to do with attraction, but then again one can feel moderate attraction but some instinctive pull despite it not being massive attraction. It's a feeling that we've know each other forever; that they are somehow part of our destiny (even though we may not have known them long at all). We also feel that they must be conscious of that link too (again, that is not necessarily the case and they could be oblivious to this).

 

I think mental imaging work might be able to help - having a mental picture of the ties and what form they take, then taking appropriate and pain-free action to undo them. Counselling may help. Also, thinking of the bad moments in the relationshp and how awful that person made you feel might overwrite that strong pull towards them.

[Downtown]

Danger, before you posted this I didn't have a clue about borderline personality disorder. Iv now spent the last two hours reading up on it & it is 100% her, I can't believe how accurate it is to her ways.

Clark, I agree with you and Danger that the behaviors you're describing sound like some of the classic warning signs for BPD. I therefore suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with -- and what your young daughter will be dealing with for many more years.

 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Danger in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if she has strong BPD traits). Take care, Clark.

[joseb]

Can't say for sure, but she sure as hell feels like a borderline.

Time spent with one can be more damaging than you realise.

The advise to get professional help is spot on.

 

The main thing for you right now - apart from therapy, is DO NOT take her back.

 

As you can't go NC because of the shared child, research parallel parenting, so can can still keep your daughter in your life.

[Clarkwg]

Clark, I agree with you and Danger that the behaviors you're describing sound like some of the classic warning signs for BPD. I therefore suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with -- and what your young daughter will be dealing with for many more years.

 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Danger in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid repeating the painful experience -- i.e., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left (if she has strong BPD traits). Take care, Clark.

Thanks for posting this, iv read the links too & the links within the links & the whole thing could have been written exactley describing my ex. Like you say it's not for me to diagnose BPD but I'd bet my life this is what iv been dealing with. The number or times she has ended the relationship just for us to get back together, the number or times (everyday) where it's all about her being the victim is unbeliverable, the emotional instibility, control, irrational impulsive things she says & does which left me thinking that's not normal, the binge drug use, the self hating, trying to make me be with her all the time irrespective of work or other commitment then ending the relationship because she feels "bottom of the list of my priorities" screaming nasty verbal abuse at me over something & nothing.

I could go on & write examples all day long of situations & circumstances where the classic traits were there to see.

 

I guess now the attention shifts from her issues to me becoming fully detatched from her. I have felt like I'm addicted to her like you would be a class a drug whereby everybody else can see & I already know that she will ruin my life & is very bad for me & I need to stay away but for some reason I keep thinking I want another fix as short term it will stop my craving.

 

On the plus side, iv not seen her for 9 days now & the only contact was 2 nonsense voice mails (insignificant about my daughter) which I didn't reply to.

[dangerbang]

Thanks for posting this, iv read the links too & the links within the links & the whole thing could have been written exactley describing my ex. Like you say it's not for me to diagnose BPD but I'd bet my life this is what iv been dealing with. The number or times she has ended the relationship just for us to get back together, the number or times (everyday) where it's all about her being the victim is unbeliverable, the emotional instibility, control, irrational impulsive things she says & does which left me thinking that's not normal, the binge drug use, the self hating, trying to make me be with her all the time irrespective of work or other commitment then ending the relationship because she feels "bottom of the list of my priorities" screaming nasty verbal abuse at me over something & nothing.

I could go on & write examples all day long of situations & circumstances where the classic traits were there to see.

 

I guess now the attention shifts from her issues to me becoming fully detatched from her. I have felt like I'm addicted to her like you would be a class a drug whereby everybody else can see & I already know that she will ruin my life & is very bad for me & I need to stay away but for some reason I keep thinking I want another fix as short term it will stop my craving.

 

On the plus side, iv not seen her for 9 days now & the only contact was 2 nonsense voice mails (insignificant about my daughter) which I didn't reply to.

 

Seriously Clark, I think we've been seeing identical girls. It's unfortunate you have a child with her but if you are strong you can find a way.

Mine used to do crazy stuff. Like a minor fight would break out and that would cause her to start calling me all kinds of things, and she would storm off and not talk to me and sometimes say we were finished and I might not hear from her till the next day where we'd have a reconciliation. When she'd be gone I'd be waiting around stressed out completely until she came back whenever she got bored of what she was doing.

Over time I kind of got used to this stuff and I started not taking her seriously anymore and not letting it stress me out too much. Just in general I became more relaxed. This would also p*ss her off I think so she'd start on at me about something out of the blue just to cause more drama.

She once cheated on me and then had me convinced it was my fault, as well as anyone else she knows. So she'd say X think's it's your fault too. She had a gang of only male friends that would validate her every action towards me, and any time I put a foot out of line she was on to them telling them how awful I was and getting all the backup she needed.

Then she demanded pretty much that we get married one day. I was given an ultimatum - but her spell on me meant I had to say yes.

It was so weird because during that time we were engaged she'd start slating every aspect of my character, and I used to say why the f**k do you want to marry me then? I just stopped caring what she had to say anymore and I think that drove her even crazier and she eventually just walked. It's been a couple of weeks now and I've heard nothing. Her last bunch of messages over a few days were just abusive. I ignored them and only dealt with practical things we had to sort out with no emotion.

 

Does any of this ring true with you buddy?

[joseb]

Seriously Clark, I think we've been seeing identical girls.

 

Unfortunately, there's a lot more than one of these out there!!!

[joseb]

I have felt like I'm addicted to her like you would be a class a drug whereby everybody else can see & I already know that she will ruin my life & is very bad for me & I need to stay away but for some reason I keep thinking I want another fix as short term it will stop my craving.

 

That's a very common feeling if you have tangled with a BPD.

You are doing well so far. Keep up Little Contact.

[Clarkwg]

Seriously Clark, I think we've been seeing identical girls. It's unfortunate you have a child with her but if you are strong you can find a way.

Mine used to do crazy stuff. Like a minor fight would break out and that would cause her to start calling me all kinds of things, and she would storm off and not talk to me and sometimes say we were finished and I might not hear from her till the next day where we'd have a reconciliation. When she'd be gone I'd be waiting around stressed out completely until she came back whenever she got bored of what she was doing.

Over time I kind of got used to this stuff and I started not taking her seriously anymore and not letting it stress me out too much. Just in general I became more relaxed. This would also p*ss her off I think so she'd start on at me about something out of the blue just to cause more drama.

She once cheated on me and then had me convinced it was my fault, as well as anyone else she knows. So she'd say X think's it's your fault too. She had a gang of only male friends that would validate her every action towards me, and any time I put a foot out of line she was on to them telling them how awful I was and getting all the backup she needed.

Then she demanded pretty much that we get married one day. I was given an ultimatum - but her spell on me meant I had to say yes.

It was so weird because during that time we were engaged she'd start slating every aspect of my character, and I used to say why the f**k do you want to marry me then? I just stopped caring what she had to say anymore and I think that drove her even crazier and she eventually just walked. It's been a couple of weeks now and I've heard nothing. Her last bunch of messages over a few days were just abusive. I ignored them and only dealt with practical things we had to sort out with no emotion.

 

Does any of this ring true with you buddy?

Absolutely all of it.

I loved her so much & couldn't believe my luck that this pretty little girl was in a relationship with me & she would satisfy my every desire & then some & I was so happy but then as time went on & these incidents of irrational behaviour became more regular & intense it kind of chipped away at me bit by bit then after a while I kind of thought this isn't the girl I'm going to spend the rest of my life with & it made me hold back somewhat as I didn't trust her behaviour. I sort of felt she could cheat on me or screw me over for everything iv ever worked for & it made me a bit more reserved which in turn made her feel like I didn't give a damn about her.

It was just a perpetual cycle of stress & heartache that such a toxic & dysfunctional ralationship would bring.

 

A couple of weeks back when I was being used by her she told me the new man understands her much better than I did & he accepts her for who she is where as I didn't yet three months in to her honeymoon period with him she has already finished with him & got back with him, she has lied to him about spending family days out with me & she also got intimate with me behind his back so after such a promising start to her new relationship I could guess how that one is gonna pan out. I just need to hope she stays with him long enough for me to be 100% emotionally detatched from her.

Here's hoping.

[dangerbang]

Absolutely all of it...

 

I can assure you she blames you 100% for everything, and doesn't even remember anything bad she has done - it was all your fault. Looking back, I remember mine went completely nuts a couple of times at the start of the relationship, in front of other people, including my brother, and they just said god that girl is crazy. I was just blinded by how gorgeous she was. That's the only reason she still has some hold over me, and I'm bitter because as soon as she dumped me, she'd have men all over her constantly, where she seems to get her validation from, and I'll be a long lost memory.

On the other hand, her life will continue to repeat itself. Promiscuity, alcohol abuse, and failed relationships.

What we can learn from this is to raise our standards, and eventually find someone who you respect and respects you. A grounded well rounded person. I'm not going near any type of damaged chick again. I'm not damaged you see, I'm from a perfect family and yes I do have some issues I am working on but I can't live with drama that isn't required.

You're doing well, pal.

Edited April 28, 2015 by dangerbang

[Clarkwg]

I can assure you she blames you 100% for everything, and doesn't even remember anything bad she has done - it was all your fault. Looking back, I remember mine went completely nuts a couple of times at the start of the relationship, in front of other people, including my brother, and they just said god that girl is crazy. I was just blinded by how gorgeous she was. That's the only reason she still has some hold over me, and I'm bitter because as soon as she dumped me, she'd have men all over her constantly, where she seems to get her validation from, and I'll be a long lost memory.

On the other hand, her life will continue to repeat itself. Promiscuity, alcohol abuse, and failed relationships.

What we can learn from this is to raise our standards, and eventually find someone who you respect and respects you. A grounded well rounded person. I'm not going near any type of damaged chick again. I'm not damaged you see, I'm from a perfect family and yes I do have some issues I am working on but I can't live with drama that isn't required.

You're doing well, pal.

 

Mine also has a little merri go round of half a dozen lads who adore her who she can use or pay attention to as & when she wants something. They feed off of scraps of her attention & half of them have slept with her at some point in the past.

 

These last few of months my head has being absolutely battered with this s**t but over the last couple of days since I found this site & discovered BPD & read up on it my thought process has changed. I was kicking myself about ME not making the relationship work with this one & only treasure, I now understand it actually wasn't my fault & it never ever would have worked in harmony, not because I'm a bad man but because of her issues it always would have been problematic.

Thank you for everyone that has helped me understand this, I think it will help me move on at a quicker pace than I previously was.

Edited April 28, 2015 by Clarkwg

[dangerbang]

Mine also has a little merri go round of half a dozen lads who adore her who she can use or pay attention to as & when she wants something. They feed off or scraps of her attention & half of them have slept with her at some point in the past.

 

That's insane. Exactly the same for me. I mean she's in her mid thirties. No female friends, just a bunch of blokes that do anything for her. They've either slept with her at some stage, one is an ex boyfriend, the others have told her they're in love with her at some stage etc...

She never seemed to find it strange that these were the only type of friends she had. Me questioning it made me controlling or something.

I just can't be around a chick like that again.

[Clarkwg]

That's insane. Exactly the same for me. I mean she's in her mid thirties. No female friends, just a bunch of blokes that do anything for her. They've either slept with her at some stage, one is an ex boyfriend, the others have told her they're in love with her at some stage etc...

She never seemed to find it strange that these were the only type of friends she had. Me questioning it made me controlling or something.

I just can't be around a chick like that again.

 

Yours is mid 30's???? Mine is 35.

But yeah, she on face book with them all the time sometime she takes drugs with them but as you say doesn't ever go out with or have any close female friends.

Including myself iv just counted 6 of these people who would adore her & run around after her & 5 of them that I know of have slept with her & 3 of them were in proper relationships with her.

Thankfully after recent events of 2 weeks ago I have now removed myself from the merri go round so she is now left with 5. She loves the attention & thinks it's perfectly normal to associate with & see these blokes even when in a relationship with another.

The mental torture she put me through when I was with her was horrible saying things like "I'll see who I want when I want & no man is ever going to stop me doing that"