Maggs23 Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 So I have been dating this guy now for about 5 months. I really like him a lot (we just said "I love you" for the first time the other night). We see each other about 4 days a week and talk every night. But there are a lot of issues to contend with...first of all, he is from the Middle East and is Muslim, and I am a Catholic girl, born and raised in NY. So right off the bat we have a lot of cultural/religious differences. This has resulted in quite a few misunderstandings, but I try to be patient. However, most recently he told me I can't meet his friends because "it's only a bunch of guys doing things together, and no women come along." This is SO different from what I"m accustomed to. I was married for 10 years and had other relationships before that; I've never encountered anything like that. He claims it's "a cultural thing." Fine I guess... But then he also works SEVEN days a week...he has a professional, well-paying job Monday-Friday, but insists on working a second job on the weekends. So far he has not taken off on any holidays to spend time with me. Memorial Day weekend is coming up and he is spending it with his friends that are visiting, that I cannot meet. Luckily I have friends visiting as well. But here's what really bothers me: Mother's Day is also coming up, and it's a difficult day for me. My mother committed suicide when I was a child, and I have no kids of my own, so it's always hard for me. I asked if he could just take ONE day off from his second job, to spend some time with me on Mother's Day. He will not give a straight answer and acts like I am being overly dramatic. In so many ways he is loyal to me, cares about me, and we have a lot of fun together. But in other ways, I feel he is distant and selfish...and I know this is why his first marriage ended ( he told me!) I guess it all sounds pretty bad in writing, but does anyone have any opinions on whether I should try to work it out? Or just cut my losses?
Sunyata Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 To me it seems kind of strange. I'm probably the most inexperienced person on here, but he seems kind of stubborn on it, so it doesn't seem like it this particular thing would change no matter how long you stayed with him.
mortensorchid Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 This situation is odd and complicated, no question. I am hoping that you will keep a certain open mind about certain things, and also know that deep within yourself that that PC nonsense is all fine and good to tolerate other cultures, equality, etc. But remember that this guy has a cultural difference from you. And remember that many who come from other countries with said cultural differences like to abuse our PC nonsense tendencies. They think that because we are tolerant that they can take advantage of certain things. And also keep in mind that there is another double standard in action with certain cultural difference relationships, in that it's ok for the men to go for American women but it's not ok for the women to go for American men. I'm just saying ... And with that being said, I think you should cut your losses and move on from this guy. He's not being very pleasant to you to keep you hanging on and wanting to see him when he's otherwise busy doing other things. He would make time for you other than excuses of work and things. Move on.
Author Maggs23 Posted April 27, 2015 Author Posted April 27, 2015 Thank you both for the advice. Yes, I am thinking that it may be time to move on. I find myself so bothered by the way he is acting, and I just don't think it's worth it. It is very frustrating to say the least.
PegNosePete Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 I know this is why his first marriage ended You would think he would've have learned, then. Obviously not. Cut him loose lest history repeats itself. Dumping him for it now is a lot easier than divorcing him for it in 10 years.
kendahke Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 So I have been dating this guy now for about 5 months. I really like him a lot (we just said "I love you" for the first time the other night). We see each other about 4 days a week and talk every night. But there are a lot of issues to contend with...first of all, he is from the Middle East and is Muslim, and I am a Catholic girl, born and raised in NY. So right off the bat we have a lot of cultural/religious differences. This has resulted in quite a few misunderstandings, but I try to be patient. However, most recently he told me I can't meet his friends because "it's only a bunch of guys doing things together, and no women come along." This is SO different from what I"m accustomed to. I was married for 10 years and had other relationships before that; I've never encountered anything like that. He claims it's "a cultural thing." Fine I guess... But then he also works SEVEN days a week...he has a professional, well-paying job Monday-Friday, but insists on working a second job on the weekends. So far he has not taken off on any holidays to spend time with me. Memorial Day weekend is coming up and he is spending it with his friends that are visiting, that I cannot meet. Luckily I have friends visiting as well. But here's what really bothers me: Mother's Day is also coming up, and it's a difficult day for me. My mother committed suicide when I was a child, and I have no kids of my own, so it's always hard for me. I asked if he could just take ONE day off from his second job, to spend some time with me on Mother's Day. He will not give a straight answer and acts like I am being overly dramatic. In so many ways he is loyal to me, cares about me, and we have a lot of fun together. But in other ways, I feel he is distant and selfish...and I know this is why his first marriage ended ( he told me!) I guess it all sounds pretty bad in writing, but does anyone have any opinions on whether I should try to work it out? Or just cut my losses? Stop dating him. He is not going to get serious about you and he is not going to give you what you need. His culture, religion and work are far more important to him than you are. Yes, in his culture, men and women who are not related do not fraternize with one another. If you're going to be with him, then you need to get with this. You'd do yourself a huge favor by researching Islam and the cultural norms of his country of origin because you are being unreasonable to expect him to have a western view of things when he does not and shows no inclination for doing so.
losangelena Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 Is he very traditionally Muslim or more Westernized? He must be at least somewhat Westernized if he's willing to date a white woman. OP, I think you just need to decide what you're willing to put up with. It could be in his culture that women only play a certain part; that is, relationships are less an equal partnership as they are in American society, and things like emotional closeness and a lot of quality time is not so much a priority. He probably sees the four days a week he does see you as enough. As far as him working two jobs—well, is that a temporary thing to pay off some debt or save some money, or does he plan on working two jobs indefinitely. I don't think that's such a bad move on his part, but from a relationship standpoint, yeah it kind of sucks.
Author Maggs23 Posted April 27, 2015 Author Posted April 27, 2015 He is somewhat Westernized, but definitely still carries a lot of his cultural "norms" with him (i.e. he does not drink at all, and then gets annoyed when I do). I have indeed researched Islam, and I know quite a bit about it. Yes, I guess because I see the Westernized part of him, I had hopes that it would come out more and more...and he would value our relationship more. I know that he does value me, but I just don't think it's going to be enough. He was born and raised in the Middle East, so these cultural values are ingrained in him. As far as working two jobs, I have been VERY supportive, more than I think many women would be! I hardly get any weekend time with him, just a few hours on Saturday nights. He says that it is only temporary, but for now I have no idea when it will end. I don't think that asking him to take ONE Sunday off is at all unreasonable. But thanks everyone, discussing this has helped me get some clarity. I really like him but probably will need to cut him loose.
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