Sunyata Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 Has anyone felt like they had to do that? Is anyone on this forum even that old? I grew up in a very unhealthy family dynamic. Divorce, hatred between parents, a lot of obstacles in my own life, etc. I was fairly intelligent and am at a somewhat sustainable place in my own life now at 29. Decent job, but not flourishing in career advancement due to personality issues, largely because my focus and priorities are set to healing and experiencing things I missed out on. Had a girlfriend for a year 1/2, but unfortunately it ended. Really loved the girl, but she had a lot of issues going on and she didn't like that I tried to help her by telling her she needed help. Anyway, went on my first REAL date the other night, and don't think I'm going to get a second one. Perhaps talking to too many people about it, including deciding to post on here... but I suppose I'm just like a 16 year old.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 I'm 25, so I think I can relate especially with a family history similar to yours, although mine was filled with domestic violence between my parents. I never experienced real life because of my relationships have been marred by insecurities and I never learned to trust anyone until my recent ex, but he broke that trust again by leaving me for another woman. I'm currently seeing a therapist. It's not so much about re-learning as taking every relationship you have been in as a life lesson. At least that's for me. I always felt like I was gonna end up like my mom- jumping from men to men and marrying and divorcing... and it's hard to break from that mindset for me because I have never had a significant male figure in my life who I can trust. Right now, I'm just focusing on myself, although on the inside, I am always yearning to be understood and to be loved. I don't feel like a 16 year old, but my therapist tells me because I never experienced love from my parents, I am always seeking attachments from external sources, without learning to love myself first. I think for you, you need to realize that healthy relationships are possible despite the environment you grew up with and the experiences you been through in the past. You shouldn't let your past shape your future. We're not our parents, and we can hope that the people we meet are special and adds values to our lives.
Author Sunyata Posted April 27, 2015 Author Posted April 27, 2015 (edited) I'm 25, so I think I can relate especially with a family history similar to yours, although mine was filled with domestic violence between my parents. I never experienced real life because of my relationships have been marred by insecurities and I never learned to trust anyone until my recent ex, but he broke that trust again by leaving me for another woman. I'm currently seeing a therapist. It's not so much about re-learning as taking every relationship you have been in as a life lesson. At least that's for me. I always felt like I was gonna end up like my mom- jumping from men to men and marrying and divorcing... and it's hard to break from that mindset for me because I have never had a significant male figure in my life who I can trust. Right now, I'm just focusing on myself, although on the inside, I am always yearning to be understood and to be loved. I don't feel like a 16 year old, but my therapist tells me because I never experienced love from my parents, I am always seeking attachments from external sources, without learning to love myself first. I think for you, you need to realize that healthy relationships are possible despite the environment you grew up with and the experiences you been through in the past. You shouldn't let your past shape your future. We're not our parents, and we can hope that the people we meet are special and adds values to our lives. Thanks so much for your reply, and I am sorry you are having to relearn things. My mom was truly sick, and had a perverse relationship with me where she really loved the taste of my suffering and troubles. Wanted me to be a baby forever. I haven't spoken to her in five years. My dad was a morally grounded, loving workhorse, but not a model of the masculine at all, not a mentor. He wanted to be a provider, and to be anything else was a costume felt uncomfortable in. I agree with not letting the past get to me. I am experiencing the past as just something in my head, kind of. Part of my brain. And since my brain is a physical structure, just letting it be what it is, and letting it change at its own pace rather than trying to change it through pure will. But there is a profound sadness and despair in it all. I can't describe it, but all my life I had this illusion that somehow the struggles and difficulties of life would be transcended. That I'd find something so natural that I'd zipline through life in an incredible adventure where relationships, promotions, and all that came naturally. And now it's like I'm finally coming into the world where people post on dating forums, read dating books, and talk about how finding relationships is difficult. And it's like, I finally get it. I get my fellow humans, and I'm looking at life as it is... something my dissociated self had refused to look at. But after all the time spent fighting, I'm like like, no, this is not the world I'm coming back to... not after everything! Not the real, ****ty, uncertain world. Edited April 27, 2015 by Sunyata
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