Buddhist Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 It's simple they come on hot and strong and usually make some smarmy remark that alludes to stupid levels of narcissism, as opposed to just regular confidence of hey I know I'm a good guy and I've got my **** together. Anyone who approaches you and has no fear or reticence at all is pretty much a player. They have no fear because they also have no discrimination, if you are not interested they will just shift focus to the next nearest target. No fear = no emotional investment. Their confidence always reeks of you being 'no contest' to them. And they usually say or do things that ordinary people would think is in shockingly bad taste, but often they pass it off as humour or cuteness. These people are so proud of their personality deficits they will often outright tell you about them, or even brag about a past that most people would be ashamed of, once again couched as humour or self deprecation, sometimes even as a challenge. When they fail to get exactly what they want on their timeline they will throw in some drama in a last ditch attempt. This can be a time crisis (I'll be leaving soon) or a jealousy crisis (stops calling you or somehow lets it slip there's another love interest). When either of those fails to force the issue they disappear and seek a new target. Unfortunately women are often socialised to interpret this kind of male attention in a positive light and think they've found their soulmate. When in reality when you step back it looks pretty creepy and boundary transgressing. The easiest way to learn to spot a player is to frequent their educational websites and read them discussing the various tactics in order to manipulate women. Not only is it stomach churning (the levels of hatred towards women expressed on these sites is breathtaking) but you will very quickly become wary of anyone who once upon a time looked like Prince Charming and will see it for what it is. A manipulation. Now, I go for the guy who is interested but falters in certain respects. Far more likely to genuine than Mr Smooth. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Also, half the men out there who have been called players are not really players - they just happened to drop the woman first, and the woman calls them that out of scorn. Perhaps but if someone wants to avoid genuine players -- and there are a few out there -- she has to know what to look for. Also not every romantic guy is a player. The guy I was with for 12 years was incredibly romantic but he was also loyal. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Most of the desirable Men ARE players in a sense since they usually have options. Of course it depends how you intend to apply that term. If you don't want to date a player, go find a nice guy lol
Leigh 87 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I didn't say reject him. I said proceed with caution. True players get bored & move on if they don't get what they want quickly. They know there is no need to expend a lot of effort because the next woman will easily fall for their charms. Good guys who appear to be players because you click with them, will stick around. Time is the best litmus test. FWIW, ladies, if you ask a player if he is a player, he's smooth enough to say of course not. Another easy sign that he's a player is whether he can spontaneously whip up romance -- I mean the stuff from the movies -- out of thin air with seemingly little effort. It means he's done it before. It's one of my favorite things about players: dancing in the dining room; feeling like you are all alone in the middle of a crowded venue; getting lost in his eyes & arms but you have to understand you are being played. You are being played well & it can be a ton of fun but you can't trust them with your heart. What about the girls who DO meet a man who is just smitten with then and they cannot help but do all those player ish things? I've had two men act like that to me. They were just super nice. Sadly, u wasn't sexually attracted enough to enjoy sex much. Didn't wanna make out with them. My friend has a great love story...they were totally head over heels from moment one. He want a player he he was so giddy with excitement about her.
Leigh 87 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Ha! I do that stuff all the time. My Soulmate says I have more romance in my pinky than most men have in their entire body. I can turn preparing a simple meal together into a full body and soul seduction. We once made out like teenagers in the middle of a crowded park for hours on end. I fed her cherries and wine and read a book to her under the leaves of giant maple tree. But I see your point. Time is what tells. That being said, if my GF hadn't opened her heart to me I am not sure we'd be here now, 9 months later. Sometimes you just have to take a chance. Bad players can be "outed" by doing things to disrupt their routines. Insist that he go and get a full STD test before sex. Or if you detect that they're yo-yo-ing you with your emotions. The push-pull hot-cold PUA crap. In the end, you probably can't discern a really good player from a love of your life. That's why players are successful - they can get the woman to believe this is the love of her life. Two more thoughts: 1. I once heard an interesting perspective from a woman about how to detect a really good player. Give them what they want - which is usually sex. Have sex with them and see if he sticks around. Her perspective is she'd rather be played over 3 - 4 fantastic dates and find out he's a player rather than over 3 - 4 months after becoming emotionally invested. Interesting notion. 2. Speaking only for myself, when I met my Soulmate I was worried that perhaps she was a female player. She's stunning. Gorgeous. But she also has this mystique that we men find intoxicating. Men line up for her attention. All. The. Time. And our initial romance was so off the charts that I became worried I was indeed being played. This is what I did: I discarded any expectations. I saw her as this beautiful shimmering bubble floating in the air in front of me. I didn't know if that bubble would last another date, or even another minute. I shed my expectations and approached her entirely in the present. I didn't care if it would burst - because I was just going to enjoy it for as long as it lasted. And that bubble not only lasted but grows more beautiful by the day. Beautiful. I am also being out for this sort of romance. With a man who thinks I'm gorgeous and who I feel mutual fireworks with. I just love meeting men who I am super lusty with:love: who I don't have to " warm up to". Natural chemistry. Wanting to make out badly like teenagers from date one. Sadly, I'll have to go through a few players before I find a man who is legitimately into me abd enthralled by me! The sex is typically great at least. And I have sex after a few dates because men who aren't interested ALWAYS flee me. So I have only ever invested one month TOPS with the players.
BluEyeL Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Most of the desirable Men ARE players in a sense since they usually have options. Of course it depends how you intend to apply that term. If you don't want to date a player, go find a nice guy lol Yes, that's exactly what a woman should do if she wants lasting love. Find a genuinely nice guy. Not the bitter ones that just call themselves nicd but are not. The nice guy may seem more boring at first and doesn't make you swoon immediately, but if you're able to recognize him, you'll be in for a real treat.
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Yes, that's exactly what a woman should do if she wants lasting love. Find a genuinely nice guy. Not the bitter ones that just call themselves nicd but are not. The nice guy may seem more boring at first and doesn't make you swoon immediately, but if you're able to recognize him, you'll be in for a real treat. I dunno, if the chemistry is there, a good guy certainly CAN make a girl swoon! My good guy boyfriend did. Still does!
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 What about the girls who DO meet a man who is just smitten with then and they cannot help but do all those player ish things? I've had two men act like that to me. They were just super nice. Sadly, u wasn't sexually attracted enough to enjoy sex much. Didn't wanna make out with them. My friend has a great love story...they were totally head over heels from moment one. He want a player he he was so giddy with excitement about her. Players do not get giddy with excitement over a new woman. They get excited about the thrill of the chase but there is something almost predatory about them. Many players are borderline cocky; the exude confidence. Guys who are romantics & not players . . . there's a sweetness about them that is missing in players. Everything players do is calculated & rehearsed. It's so easy to spot when it's right in front of me but I fear I am not verbalizing the distinctions well enough. Also just because a guy breaks a woman's heart does not make him a player. He could simply be a cad. You need "game" to be a player but not to be a ordinary jerk.
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) Players do not get giddy with excitement over a new woman. They get excited about the thrill of the chase but there is something almost predatory about them. Many players are borderline cocky; the exude confidence. Guys who are romantics & not players . . . there's a sweetness about them that is missing in players. Everything players do is calculated & rehearsed. It's so easy to spot when it's right in front of me but I fear I am not verbalizing the distinctions well enough. Also just because a guy breaks a woman's heart does not make him a player. He could simply be a cad. You need "game" to be a player but not to be a ordinary jerk. >>Many players are borderline cocky, they exude confidence.<< --- I agree with the first part, but not the second. Men who act cocky (bragging, etc), actually LACK confidence. Truly confident men have no need (or desire) to act cocky. They don't have to...true confidence comes from within... not from how one wishes or hopes to appear to the outside world. Their cockiness is actually a cover-up for INSECURITY! I have another tip for spotting players...or just losers. If they brag about how *confident* they are, about having so many "options" and tell you stories about how women find them so hot! I know this one guy who constantly discusses how random women are always staring at him, "eye-fu*king" him, "biting her lower lip," "walking backwards so she can continue staring at him" ....etc etc etc. Men who brag about such things tend to be players, or THINK they are, or want to be, but are actually quite insecure... so beware! If they were NOT insecure, they would NOT feel the need to be bragging to others about such things... You want a HUMBLE man.... not a man who is constantly pumping himself up to others...so as to prove how attractive he is. Men like this have issues... and most likely LACK true confidence, otherwise, again, there would be no need to brag. Edited April 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
MissBee Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 There is no magic formula. As a general rule if you can't give a guy a reason to be serious about you... then it really doesn't matter anyway. If you are a worthwhile woman you should be able to even get players interested in sticking around. This is nonsense. That's exactly what a lot of women end up doing and erode their self esteem and waste their times by believing THEY can change a man and his bad behavior is based on them. It's not. A player chooses to be a player and it's his own deal and it doesn't matter who you are. My suggestion is: take things slow and observe if a man's actions are matching his words or if he is just full of sweet words but is non-committal and gives mixed messages. You cannot 100% guarantee never to get caught up with a player, but you can limit the amount of time you waste by seeing what it is relatively quickly and exiting stage left before you're too emotionally invested. Taking things slowly helps with being able to observe. Also be upfront about what you're looking for and LISTEN to what he says he is looking for and if his actions match. Many players aren't even all that good at lying, many tell the truth in fact but because of attitudes, like the nonsense above about how if you're worthwhile a player will change , many women ignore a guy who says he doesn't want a relationship, who avoids the questions, who is unclear, who says he is having fun etc and think if they sleep with him more, love him, do things for him and act like a good gf or wife he will change his mind...no...listen and observe and if he isn't acting and doing things that show he is serious, exit.
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 >>Many players are borderline cocky, they exude confidence.<< --- I agree with the first part, but not the second. Men who act cocky (bragging, etc), actually LACK confidence. Truly confident men have no need (or desire) to act cocky. They don't have to...true confidence comes from within... not from how one wishes or hopes to appear to the outside world. Their cockiness is actually a cover-up for INSECURITY! True but players still act like they are confident. Even if it's a fake it til you make it thing, from the outside, you can't really know whether somebody is confident & a big braggart or covering up insecurities. Either way, there is a certain swagger to genuine players as opposed to garden variety jerks. Absent the swagger, I'm less inclined to label someone a player.
Vercetti Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Some " players " real pathetic. Tried to have man talk with one, asked his type...the guy did not have a type beyond two legs. I have a type so astounded me this guy failed to have any preference of what slept with. He also tried to get me to go clubbing with him, and was getting stressed cause it was late...as if the buffet would run out of food. This other self proclaimed player...seen the girls he has been with. Are you really a player if pulling trashy women no respectable man would tolerate for any amount of time? Both these guys live with mom...yeah. So way I see it if player gets grip on a good woman, he is to stupid to notice and probably couldn't keep the relationship going. Anyhow not advice, just crap thought about encountered. Both these guys think thier gangsters as well, head to toe swag. Hah not worried about that type pulling you...just the mentality seems universal regaurdless of attire. Always wonder if they are such players, why don't see them with women often and why the pump and dumps do encounter are bloody trolls that a dog wouldn't even play with the panties of.
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Vercetti Those are self-proclaimed players. They really aren't the smooth guys who are players. They are jerks & users. Not that players aren't jerks for using women but they do it with more finesse & panache.
El Pallasso Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Sigh....a man losing interest doesn't make him a "player". He simply wasn't fully attracted to you and moved on. Funny how when a woman disappears, she isn't called a "player". Ridiculous. He's exercising his free will just like any woman does when she chooses to disappear. 1
smackie9 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 If you expect the guy to do all the pursuing, more than likely that's the reason why you find yourself falling for these clowns, because that is what they are really good at....PURSING. They are the smooth talkers, know what you want to hear, and have that exuberant confidence that most guys don't have. A relationship guy, is a guy that may be a little shy, excited that you are even giving him any attention, and isn't pushing you into the sack as fast as possible. Learn to take the initiative to introduce yourself, chat up a guy, etc. If they are pleasantly surprised you are on the right track.
Vercetti Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Vercetti Those are self-proclaimed players. They really aren't the smooth guys who are players. They are jerks & users. Not that players aren't jerks for using women but they do it with more finesse & panache. Aye, just something encountered at arms length had me rolling eyes like WTF. These guys mid thirties like me, and yeah. I have no doubt of the smooth types, just personally don't get the energy extended for random sex. Really seems to me anyone in a decent relationship is having far more fun with a trusted partner. So if the game is for sex, why be so self defeating with bouts of downtime? Don't think many players are getting laid three / five times a day 365. Anyhow my eairler posts were basically around picking up on instant gratification and seeing through fronts of those that's goals / intergity isn't in line. Most other posters said time and true colours. I agree with that completely, can't mask true nature for long and mask always slips if not caught up. Sorta like someone that lives with a bunch of roommates isn't going to be able to give a home owner life and investment advice for long. Maybe bad analogy.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I'd love to see this as a social experiment or reality show. A single woman creates a dating profile. Gives details on who she is, what she's looking for, with pics as well. Then 10 different men contact her via email and she has no idea what they look like. They all vary in personality, and dating experience. Each guy gets to exchange five emails a piece with her. Her reactions to the emails are filmed, and she gives interview segments where she assesses personality and the type of guy she thinks he is. Does he only want sex or seem like a player? Does he have potential? Does he seem more like a friend? She chooses her top three email candidates. Then she gets to see what they look like, and if she is attracted, a date is set up. You then hear her thoughts on the date after. Boring, lack of chemistry, etc.. Then you take a few of the guys she wrote off as being "players" and have them approach her in real life. Show the interaction, how she responds, if she gives her number, etc.. Then if she goes on a date or dates with these guys, her thoughts are shared. If she wants to see the guy again, it's then revealed he was one of the ones she eliminated from before. Would be a great way to show how perceptions differ between online and reality. Especially when it comes to assumptions that are made on a guy being a "player" just because he acts playful and assertive.
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 When I 1st laid eyes on the man who is now my husband my initial thought was "ooh, yummy, player." He is gorgeous, was well dressed & was working the room we were in like the professional salesman he is. I was very excited. Thought he'd be fun to date in the short term & we could both have a good time in the short term. At the point I made these assumptions I had yet to even speak to him. My husband is the farthest thing from a player in the world. He has no schmooze at all. Glad handing people is an effort for him. Months later when I told him I thought he looked like a player I watched lightbulbs go off. He actually gave me some examples of his interactions with women & although he was baffled when they practically ran away, looking back, he now understands that they were rejecting him because they too thought he looked like a player. You can't judge somebody accurate without the benefit of time. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Lol - Judging from some of the Women's responses on here, I get a feeling some of you actually LIKE dating players?
d0nnivain Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Lol - Judging from some of the Women's responses on here, I get a feeling some of you actually LIKE dating players? I always enjoyed it. Players give good date. You just can't ever trust one with your heart & you have to wary of trusting one with your body. But handled properly, they can be a ton of fun.
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 True but players still act like they are confident. Even if it's a fake it til you make it thing, from the outside, you can't really know whether somebody is confident & a big braggart or covering up insecurities. Either way, there is a certain swagger to genuine players as opposed to garden variety jerks. Absent the swagger, I'm less inclined to label someone a player. Oh I can... I can spot 'em a mile away. That wasn't always the case though, but after you encounter enough of them, you know what to look for. Plus I have studied human behavior and psychology so that helps. Players = cocky, boastful, braggarts, coming off like they're "all that" = insecure. The irony is that they are NOT even "all that." Hardly. They just like to believe they are. 1
katiegrl Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Lol - Judging from some of the Women's responses on here, I get a feeling some of you actually LIKE dating players? Excuse me? lol No way. I like my men HUMBLE.... they have a quiet confidence and don't need to go around flaunting their accomplishments to others (or bragging how successful they are with women or how many "options" they have.) Arghh... what a turn off. Actually nauseates me.... :) 2
fitnessfan365 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 When I 1st laid eyes on the man who is now my husband my initial thought was "ooh, yummy, player." He is gorgeous, was well dressed & was working the room we were in like the professional salesman he is. I was very excited. Thought he'd be fun to date in the short term & we could both have a good time in the short term. At the point I made these assumptions I had yet to even speak to him. My husband is the farthest thing from a player in the world. He has no schmooze at all. Glad handing people is an effort for him. Months later when I told him I thought he looked like a player I watched lightbulbs go off. He actually gave me some examples of his interactions with women & although he was baffled when they practically ran away, looking back, he now understands that they were rejecting him because they too thought he looked like a player. You can't judge somebody accurate without the benefit of time. AWESOME post. Couldn't agree more. But I think it happens more online than in real life. In real life a guy approaches. If she likes the interaction, they flirt and she becomes naturally playful. Since she's seen him and has a basic read, her guard is down to be more receptive to chemistry forming. But online, women tend to be too goal oriented. I need to find a boyfriend. He has to have these qualities, etc.. Then you combine their guards being up from all the sex emails, and you get overly serious and rigid interaction. This is why so many first "meets" fail IMO. The same qualities a woman usually appreciates in real life, are the things that put her on edge online. I think if more women took your advice and kept things on a case by case basis they'd probably be more successful. Unfortunately too many women online jump to conclusions and think in extremes.
Revolver Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 It depends on how you define the term. One of my good friends, a 27 year old man who has slept with 4 women his entire life was called a "player" by this woman because he stopped hooking up with her to be with this other girl he's engaged to now.
Sunfire73 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 When i first met my boyfriend, i too thought he was a player. He dressed, spoke and acted like one. So at that meeting I was cautious, and a little bit guarded, although I still had fun. I just didn't think it will go anywhere. I didn't even know he text me that night and thanked me, I just read it the next morning and was surprised. He asked for a second date, and since I was on the fence about him, I gave him another chance. Turned out that he was actually a nice guy, and that he was just nervous at first. He was just trying to impress a bit coz he liked me. The second date he was much more himself, more comfortable and down to earth, very gentleman, but we still had a lot of fun. After we became exclusive, i told him that I thought he was a player the first time i met him. He was surprised, he did tell me, he had to make some player moves to make sure he doesn't get friend zoned, lol. After almost 2 yrs, he is still the same, and the most loyal, affectionate guy. He didn't just do it to get me. He's been consistent so far. So I think time will really tell if a guys is a genuine player. Don't automatically write off someone without getting to know him more. 2
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