BikerAccnt Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 You can be friends with an Ex, after a time. But, generally not friends that go out and do things together. More like, distant friends that talk things over once in a while and maybe go out to eat once or twice a year. I am friends with an Ex in that manner. We even lived together for 6 years. However, our breakup was amicable, mutual, and respectful. Unlike Dangerbang, I don't think it's ridiculous to be friends with an Ex. It depend on the Ex, and if YOU think you can deal with it. In most cases, there is still a strong emotional attachment at the time of a split, that makes remaining, or becoming friends in the future, much harder. You still "remember" the feelings. In my case as I mentioned, we had already grown to be nothing more than friends, so, remaining so was easier. There is also no illusion or desire amongst either of us to get back together in a romantic way. I am currently in the processes of ending a relationship of over 1 year. It breaks my heart. Will I be friends with her? No. Because I don't want the relationship to end, and I still have strong feelings. Will I close the door on a future friendship with her? No, but we certainly won't be close buddy/buddies. Give it time, then decide. Time will let you know if you really want him in your life as a friend, or only in the hopes you two can somehow get back together. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Also - this is bothering me because I am not generally a spiteful person. Last night during this conversation, I was so angry at him callously ditching me in a foreign not so safe country I've never been to before (in my mind this is how it was anyway and I absolutely cannot get out of the trip) - I did tell him something along the lines of 'you have absolutely screwed me over with this and I will not sugar coat it for you. I do love you but what you did with this trip is terrible and I didn't expect this from you'. Turns out I was wrong about not being able to get out of the trip - my company and I worked it out - I guess I was subconsciously hanging on to it because I wanted to see him. Should I apologize and let him know? I know I probably made him feel really low and I regret it.. Yeah, you are concocting excuses to contact him, which is why you are in this mess in the first place. Stop.
backandforth Posted May 7, 2015 Posted May 7, 2015 Do you think you will ever be friends with your ex? Has she reached out to you at all? For me, I really hope that if there is no relationship in our future, at least the friendship can eventually be salvaged. He just means too much to me as a friend on top of everything else for me to be able to write him out of my life for good. I was very clear about her not contacting me. I wasn't mean, and I didn't say that whole "unless you wanna get back together" thing either. I just said that I needed to move on. I haven't heard from her since. To be honest, I don't think I will ever be able to be friends with her. I've never felt that way about anyone, and I doubt I will again. I wish I could be friends with her, but I know it'll only cause me to hurt. Maybe it'll be different for you, some people are better at keeping their feelings at bay. You'll have to be real with yourself and go from there.
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 7, 2015 Author Posted May 7, 2015 Thanks guys. I won't contact him - you're right, maybe I'm looking for excuses to talk to him. It's only been 2 days and I'm already seriously struggling - I hate this so much. I feel so guilty about doing it as well knowing he didn't take it very well - but then I also think he's the one who refused to work out our issues so tough!! Honestly though even after the breakup he was there for me - I had a major family issue a few days ago and he spent hours talking to me about it. I feel bad that I have basically told him I won't do the same for him. It is so hard to let go. I keep telling myself I have to do this and if it's meant to be and if he really does love me the way I think he does, he will be back eventually. If not, then it's better this way anyway. Still not easy though. I'm really struggling..
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Urgh it's been really rough today. Dreamt of him all night which didn't help things at all and am struggling to not call or message him. An irrational part of me is also super upset with him for not reaching out (even though I asked him not to). My emotions are all over the place - gotta be patient and give it time I know but this is an absolute nightmare!!
minime13 Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 At times, he has made it so clear that it is over - and at times, his actions/words suggest maybe not. And then there's this trip.. Would he be considering joining me as planned if he was truly done with the whole thing? On the other hand, the fact that he hasn't confirmed he is coming and is thinking about it surely suggests that he doesn't really give a hoot either way? If he says it's over, then it's over in his mind. If he has not said, no, it's not over, let's work on this, or any words to that effect, then he thinks it's over. His considering joining you is that he still loves you and doesn't want you completely stranded somewhere. Don't take that as a sign that he wants to work things out. Just because someone breaks up with you, that doesn't mean they just no longer care about you. They don't just stop loving you immediately. He does give a hoot, and doesn't think it's a good idea to meet up on your trip, but he's not going to just leave you stranded. Give it some time and space, and stop contacting him. That only prolongs things, and it doesn't really allow either of you to sort anything out.
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Hi minimie, thanks for your reply. Yep, I see what you are saying. Ultimately, he turned around and said he will probably not make it and would see (still no definite answer). Guess he didn't want to be the bad guy. I am very mad at him though - any half decent person wouldn't have left me in that situation or allowed me to lose this amount of money over a trip (which I have now cancelled) which I couldn't really even afford in the first place (which he knows). Worse still, I actually made my intentions very clear - I told him I want to work things out and I see a future for us - he had said if we see each other on this trip, we would do so. Then he said no he just wants us to be friends. Then he said we would see what happens in the future. Then he actually had the audacity to get upset when I told him I cannot be his friend for now. I am so angry right now I cannot get a handle on my emotions. Angry and sad. It's taking a lot of effort to not pick up my phone and let him have it!! But I won't do that because I know this anger will fade away and also I'm better than that. I hope I just feel like he's played with my emotions throughout this breakup process. He's been anything but clear and straight forward, has given me hope constantly and has given me the impression that reconciliation is a definite possibility but at the same time has been an absolute ass and has done nothing to verify these words. I feel like he's played me and it's a really horrible feeling - I never expected this of him.
joseb Posted May 8, 2015 Posted May 8, 2015 Anger is all part of the grieving process. His humming and hawing and saying maybe you could possibly work things out at some undefined future time is him trying to make the breakup easier on you - its kinda dumb, and prolongs the pain, but it makes the Dumper feel less bad about it all. Stay NC so you can move on. You can't be friends with him - for now at least - I agree though that it might be possible in the future, but that would be only when you have moved on and no longer have any romantic feelings for him.
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 8, 2015 Author Posted May 8, 2015 Anger is all part of the grieving process. His humming and hawing and saying maybe you could possibly work things out at some undefined future time is him trying to make the breakup easier on you - its kinda dumb, and prolongs the pain, but it makes the Dumper feel less bad about it all. Stay NC so you can move on. You can't be friends with him - for now at least - I agree though that it might be possible in the future, but that would be only when you have moved on and no longer have any romantic feelings for him. Yeah, definitely sticking to NC. I don't really have much to say to him right now and I'm afraid I'll blow up and say something (things most likely haha) that I'd regret later if I talk to him and I really don't want this to get nasty. The problem with his indecision is - we have been through this before. I know you're probably shaking your head and thinking I should have learned my lesson already, but that's a whole different thing. It's uncanny - we had almost the same issues last year this time and basically the exact same breakup followed by him behaving like this and being indecisive and vague with me trying to work things out and then being 'friends.' We ultimately got back together because there was no denying our feelings for each other but this has happened again because in our haste to get back together and be 'happy', we didn't stop to actually recover and sort our problems out. The bad part with our history is, it's making me think this doesn't have to be it and maybe we will work it out again. The good part is, this time I am absolutely taking the time apart which I figure will either help with us sorting things out properly or it'll help me really let go and end it once and for all. Which way it will go - I don't know. Which way do I want it to go? As stupid as it may be, I hope we can work it out. Maybe that frame of thought will change with time. I just don't know :/
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 10, 2015 Author Posted May 10, 2015 Day 5 of NC. I still desperately want him back. Going NC hasn't been as hard as expected because I don't really have much to say to him and I know if I do talk to him I'd only end up bringing up the breakup and that is not a good idea. I have had so many arguments with myself, let logic completely take over to convince myself he's not the one for me. I've sat down and made lists of his bad qualities. I have focused on the bad memories and the breakup. I have had friends remind me again and again why I was the one who initially wanted to end things in the first place. I have sat down and cried and cried for the loss. I got rid of all reminders and tried to tell myself this is the end. Nothing is working - I want him back. Will this fade away on its own in time? This crazy hope that is there - I am scared of how much it will hurt (again) if/when I eventually realize he is not coming back.
Ruby65 Posted May 10, 2015 Posted May 10, 2015 Yes, eventually the feelings will become less intense, less painful. Also, you'll start to tire of the constant back-and-forth arguments inside your head and settle down to focusing more on moving forward. Once No Contact becomes a "done deal" and settled in your own mind, it becomes easier to carry it out on a daily basis. I won't lie though -- it's not a linear process. There are peaks and valleys. Especially around the 30-day mark, when it starts to sink in more that this breakup could very well be permanent.... that can be a hard time for people too. It's a process of very gradual acceptance. But the good news is, when you stick to No Contact, you're on the path that's leading you to healing as quickly as possible, with a minimum of pain and suffering. Keep it up -- you're doing great!
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Hi Ruby. Thanks so much for the encouragement! The pain seems to be getting worse by the day - I have graduated from the occasional breakdown to bawling my eyes out as soon as I wake up and I remember everything. I can barely sleep. I can't help thinking how could he just throw everything away so easily while I still want to work things out with every fiber of my being. I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel but in the meantime I just feel like this has completely destroyed me. I had this crazy urge to contact him yesterday and tell him all this but thankfully stopped myself. I refuse to beg!!
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 I'm really struggling right now. Absolutely dying to talk to him - not sure why or even about what. Sixth day of NC today and this is the longest I have ever gone without talking to him since I've known him even before we started dating. I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.
dangerbang Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I'm really struggling right now. Absolutely dying to talk to him - not sure why or even about what. Sixth day of NC today and this is the longest I have ever gone without talking to him since I've known him even before we started dating. I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't. Oh come on! All you will do is make everything worse for yourself. Just like 100% of everyone else on this seat who has done the same. Use your wisdom here. It will only make things worse. You have to be strong and keep going on your own. 2
Clarkwg Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 I'm really struggling right now. Absolutely dying to talk to him - not sure why or even about what. Sixth day of NC today and this is the longest I have ever gone without talking to him since I've known him even before we started dating. I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't. Why, after doing a good job & getting to day six would you want ruin your progress & go straight back to day zero? Why would you do that? 1
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 Wow okay I counted wrong - I am such a mess - day seven actually! I know you guys are right. I am trying not to give in - I won't give in. The urge is so damn strong though. I have put my phone in the other room. I just miss him SO much it's driving me absolutely crazy. 1
Satu Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Call upon you adult resources and apply self-discipline. You can do that. 3
dangerbang Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Wow okay I counted wrong - I am such a mess - day seven actually! I know you guys are right. I am trying not to give in - I won't give in. The urge is so damn strong though. I have put my phone in the other room. I just miss him SO much it's driving me absolutely crazy. Trust me, and everyone else here. No one's having an easy time if they're on this site the view on NC always stays the same. It's like climbing a ladder, if you do something stupid you'll be back on the ground. There's no way you wont get over it if you stay NC, our brains are wired to move on from things. You just have to weather the storm for now, you don't have a choice. 3
Simon Phoenix Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 Wow okay I counted wrong - I am such a mess - day seven actually! I know you guys are right. I am trying not to give in - I won't give in. The urge is so damn strong though. I have put my phone in the other room. I just miss him SO much it's driving me absolutely crazy. I mean, haven't you learned already that contact is detrimental. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. Don't be insane. Instead, be an adult that exhibits self-control and actually try to stick with No Contact. 4
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 12, 2015 Author Posted May 12, 2015 Okay - urgent. crazy urge to call him has passed. Thank you all so much, I don't know what happened there for an hour or two but I just needed to hear all that you said and none of my friends were available. Hopefully won't happen again!! 1
smellysocksuni Posted May 12, 2015 Posted May 12, 2015 If it does happen again and your friends aren't around - please keep posting here! We've all been through it and want to help
dave_1966 Posted May 20, 2015 Posted May 20, 2015 I find this post intriguing seeing as in your original post you state that you dumped him.
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 I find this post intriguing seeing as in your original post you state that you dumped him. I broke up with him first in the heat of the moment, tried to sort it out with him a day later and then he said he's done with the whole thing..
Author C0nfused1980 Posted May 28, 2015 Author Posted May 28, 2015 Update - He came to see me for two days, he literally couldn't take more time off from work (as I mentioned before he's going through a really stressful time with that). We talked, we hung out, we really had a fabulous weekend together and got back together (officially, no fwb). I am so happy but still so shaken by this whole thing. He is as well. We had a really honest talk and the basic conclusion was that we both truly love each other and enjoy each other's company but the distance is very hard for us. Also, we both were reluctant to really commit to a future together.. more of a let's see what happens. I sort of feel like we're back together for now and will enjoy the good times while they last but perhaps we are too incompatible for it to actually work and a final breakup will happen at some point. Maybe I'm wrong and just rattled by the recent issues. I don't know, very very confused right now.
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