What is wrong with me?

[C0nfused1980]

My long distance boyfriend and I broke up last night. We had a bit of a bumpy relationship but we got past all of that over the couple of years that we have been together and were in a really good place when he moved away.

 

Ever since he moved though, things just started to fall apart. I guess we couldn't handle the distance - his way to deal with it was to mostly shut me out and not give in to his emotions whereas I needed him more than ever and got quite needy. This led to a bunch of arguments over the past few months and finally, a massive blow up a few days ago.

 

I was supposed to go and see him in a couple of weeks and I was so excited about it. Now I am stuck with a ticket I cannot use - it kills me that it was so close. He told me he cannot deal with my temper - I did completely lose it when we fought last time and broke up with him only to regret saying that 5 minutes later but it was too late. He also acknowledged that his way of handling things hasn't been great and he just cannot do this right now. Apologies from both of us for everything that happened, I love you's, all that.. quite civilized really.

 

I am trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. We are both to blame, I cannot say I'm the only one who messed up - I guess we let the distance get the best of us. It really hurts though - we do truly love each other. NC for now and then we are going to try to be friends. He said we will see what the future holds, if anything, but I should move on.

 

I am trying to convince myself this is all for the best and what's meant to be is meant to be but I am struggling. I think I'm still in shock - and a huge part of me is in denial, I don't know why I am fully convinced he will want to get back together and make it work although he was so clear and I couldn't even disagree with anything he said. I haven't even cried yet but am having serious trouble with eating and sleeping and am a mess.

 

I know you guys will tell me to move and and it will all get better and to maintain NC and I know you are right. Eventually of course it will. For now - I am just so stuck in wanting him back though despite everything. How do I start to grieve and let go?

[kitkatleen]

My long distance boyfriend and I broke up last night. We had a bit of a bumpy relationship but we got past all of that over the couple of years that we have been together and were in a really good place when he moved away.

 

Ever since he moved though, things just started to fall apart. I guess we couldn't handle the distance - his way to deal with it was to mostly shut me out and not give in to his emotions whereas I needed him more than ever and got quite needy. This led to a bunch of arguments over the past few months and finally, a massive blow up a few days ago.

 

I was supposed to go and see him in a couple of weeks and I was so excited about it. Now I am stuck with a ticket I cannot use - it kills me that it was so close. He told me he cannot deal with my temper - I did completely lose it when we fought last time and broke up with him only to regret saying that 5 minutes later but it was too late. He also acknowledged that his way of handling things hasn't been great and he just cannot do this right now. Apologies from both of us for everything that happened, I love you's, all that.. quite civilized really.

 

I am trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. We are both to blame, I cannot say I'm the only one who messed up - I guess we let the distance get the best of us. It really hurts though - we do truly love each other. NC for now and then we are going to try to be friends. He said we will see what the future holds, if anything, but I should move on.

 

I am trying to convince myself this is all for the best and what's meant to be is meant to be but I am struggling. I think I'm still in shock - and a huge part of me is in denial, I don't know why I am fully convinced he will want to get back together and make it work although he was so clear and I couldn't even disagree with anything he said. I haven't even cried yet but am having serious trouble with eating and sleeping and am a mess.

 

I know you guys will tell me to move and and it will all get better and to maintain NC and I know you are right. Eventually of course it will. For now - I am just so stuck in wanting him back though despite everything. How do I start to grieve and let go?

 

I totally understand your situation, except i've never met my guy! But well why don't you just go over since you already brought the tickets, i would had done that. I know it hurts, distance really do kill relationships. Not many couples could endure it. I was feeling really ****ty for the first few days, i was SO upset and did the "begging/convincing" but it was too late. I went NC for myself, during 1 week of NC i realized many things.. Now we are back to being friends, i'm happier this way. maybe all along it was just a habit? I don't have any expectations that he will return to me and we both have been dating other people. Distance makes couples grow apart sometimes. You NEED to go NC for abit to know how you feel.

[C0nfused1980]

Hey, I'm sorry you went through this and really glad you are doing much better now!

 

In our case, I am sure it was more than just habit. This man and I have been through so much together - it breaks my heart to throw it all away.

 

I would actually love to go and see him as planned anyway - honestly, I'm quite sure if we did meet, we would be able to work things out. He asked me not to though - I think he also knows if we meet up, we will end up getting back together and he really doesn't seem to want to do that right now so I have to respect his wishes..

[Fufu]

My long distance boyfriend and I broke up last night. We had a bit of a bumpy relationship but we got past all of that over the couple of years that we have been together and were in a really good place when he moved away.

 

Ever since he moved though, things just started to fall apart. I guess we couldn't handle the distance - his way to deal with it was to mostly shut me out and not give in to his emotions whereas I needed him more than ever and got quite needy. This led to a bunch of arguments over the past few months and finally, a massive blow up a few days ago.

 

I was supposed to go and see him in a couple of weeks and I was so excited about it. Now I am stuck with a ticket I cannot use - it kills me that it was so close. He told me he cannot deal with my temper - I did completely lose it when we fought last time and broke up with him only to regret saying that 5 minutes later but it was too late. He also acknowledged that his way of handling things hasn't been great and he just cannot do this right now. Apologies from both of us for everything that happened, I love you's, all that.. quite civilized really.

 

I am trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. We are both to blame, I cannot say I'm the only one who messed up - I guess we let the distance get the best of us. It really hurts though - we do truly love each other. NC for now and then we are going to try to be friends. He said we will see what the future holds, if anything, but I should move on.

 

I am trying to convince myself this is all for the best and what's meant to be is meant to be but I am struggling. I think I'm still in shock - and a huge part of me is in denial, I don't know why I am fully convinced he will want to get back together and make it work although he was so clear and I couldn't even disagree with anything he said. I haven't even cried yet but am having serious trouble with eating and sleeping and am a mess.

 

I know you guys will tell me to move and and it will all get better and to maintain NC and I know you are right. Eventually of course it will. For now - I am just so stuck in wanting him back though despite everything. How do I start to grieve and let go?

 

 

Hugs~ your story sounded like mine 3 years ago.

 

Mine too was broken due to long distance relationship, after he moved to another country for studies.

 

I'm happy you have started NC, it's really an effective way to move on.

Take time to grieve, it's ok to pour out all the sadness. However, do remember life still goes on. You may want to start doing things you wanna do that you haven't got the chance to do it before.

 

Previously, after my relationship ended, I resigned from my job. I went to learn basic Japanese language. Tried to keep myself busy and productive at the same time. After 4 months, I found another job that required to deal with customers directly and being in a new job learning new things really helped me a lot on moving on.

 

Perhaps, spend some time with close friends or family, it may help too.

[C0nfused1980]

Thanks Fufu! I'm really sorry to hear you went through the same thing - it's really painful.

 

My problem right now is - I'm not sure if I WANT to move on - I am honestly just hoping against hope that he will change his mind and ask me to visit as planned. I don't know how to even begin to let go of that hope - I am maintaining NC as I am afraid of saying something completely desperate if I do speak to him which I really don't want to do.

 

I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't lost my temper with him the way I had - if I could have just waited till I saw him and spoke to him face to face about our issues. I am so full of regret and guilt and sadness - and I just wish I could fix this but I know I can't. Sorry I am just kind of venting here..

[Fufu]

Thanks Fufu! I'm really sorry to hear you went through the same thing - it's really painful.

 

My problem right now is - I'm not sure if I WANT to move on - I am honestly just hoping against hope that he will change his mind and ask me to visit as planned. I don't know how to even begin to let go of that hope - I am maintaining NC as I am afraid of saying something completely desperate if I do speak to him which I really don't want to do.

 

I can't tell you how much I wish I hadn't lost my temper with him the way I had - if I could have just waited till I saw him and spoke to him face to face about our issues. I am so full of regret and guilt and sadness - and I just wish I could fix this but I know I can't. Sorry I am just kind of venting here..

 

You have to move on no matter what. Please don't pause your life because of someone walking out on you.

 

Maintain NC, it's tough and you are gonna made it through.

 

A real couple will fix problems not walk away or break things up.

[C0nfused1980]

Hey guys,

 

I'm seriously starting to think this guy/relationship broke something in me.

 

We broke up a week ago - I posted about it before but long story short, it was a long term relationship that turned into long distance and due to a variety of reasons and bad communication, it got pretty bad. Out of anger, I broke up with him but then after we calmed down, he said it is final and he doesn't want to continue with the relationship and we should move on.

 

I am still sitting here and for some reason I cannot understand myself, hoping he will come back. I have had some breakdowns and crying sessions but honestly not really as much as I should have had because I keep thinking this is not it. I wake up everyday and the breakup hits me hard - I have the panic attacks, I feel very hurt and sad, etc. but then for some reason during the course of the day, I again become convinced that it's not over.

 

Why is it not sinking in? Have I gone completely mad?!

[Ruby65]

Oh, sweetie -- there's nothing wrong with you!

 

The first week or so is so hard, please give yourself a break. However you manage to get through it at this point, give yourself a huge amount of credit for just making it through.

 

The first response to this kind of shock/loss is usually Denial. This is just human nature. It takes a while to sink in that it's really happening.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

[TunaCat]

It's only been a week. Please go easy on yourself this week. You and your heart have had a giant upheaval and it takes time to heal.

 

The 5 stages of grief are applicable in the breakup of a relationship.

 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

You are still in the denial stage. Now these stages won't stay linear. You'll probably bounce around for a little while like I did.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. You are human just like the rest of us.

[C0nfused1980]

Thanks! I went through the guide too - I guess this is normal. I don't know - there's so much hanging in the balance as well... we haven't gone NC yet. I know I am going to get a lot of outraged responses to that, but please not yet.

 

This may sound pathetic but here's what's going on:

 

I was supposed to go and see him in a couple of weeks. I am stuck with the ticket and for reasons I cannot disclose here, I have to make the trip regardless except now I have nothing to do for the first part of the trip which is a good few days in a strange and not very touristy or even very safe country. I have asked friends if they can come with me but unfortunately, they can't as it is a very expensive trip as well. If I could just avoid going altogether, I really would but it's really not an option.

 

When this happened, I asked him if we should still meet up as planned whether to work things out or say goodbye. He said he thinks it is a bad idea but I should let him know if I am left stranded. I honestly checked all options and I am basically stranded so I let him know. I am now waiting for him to let me know if he can make it so - no NC.

 

Besides the holiday conversation, he has also randomly contacted me twice and we have just had a normal conversation no reference to the break up or the trip.

 

At times, he has made it so clear that it is over - and at times, his actions/words suggest maybe not. And then there's this trip.. Would he be considering joining me as planned if he was truly done with the whole thing? On the other hand, the fact that he hasn't confirmed he is coming and is thinking about it surely suggests that he doesn't really give a hoot either way? I am going crazy over analyzing, trying to understand what is happening, why he is contacting me at all for random chats, why he is (or isn't) joining me on this trip, why he is just not clearly saying it is over back off, and so much more..

[C0nfused1980]

Still going completely mad - somewhere between kicking my own butt and trying to get myself together and desperately waiting for him to get back to me about this trip and hoping I can get him back.

 

Reading all kinds of things into our recent conversations like a crazy person - I must have come up with fifty different analyses by now. Judging myself honestly.

 

I keep telling myself I am a loving, good looking (maybe this sounds arrogant but honestly I'd be stupid to not know this), educated, intelligent woman with a great career and lots to offer and I will be perfectly fine and will find someone better when the time is right. Then a little voice inside my head says, "But I want him!"

 

Sorry - just venting - but thoughts would be highly appreciated. Don't be too harsh please though, I can't take that yet!

[joseb]

 

I was supposed to go and see him in a couple of weeks. I am stuck with the ticket and for reasons I cannot disclose here, I have to make the trip regardless except now I have nothing to do for the first part of the trip which is a good few days in a strange and not very touristy or even very safe country.

 

There are always ways out - if it's just the money then maybe just let it go.

Usually we make excuses for why we can't change plans - I suspect you just hope you will convince him to change if you go?

 

You are in denial. It's typical. IT hurts, I understand the pain.

But the sooner you start with NC the quicker you will move on.

How long were you two together?

Edited April 27, 2015 by joseb

[C0nfused1980]

Believe me when I say there is no way out - if it was just money, I'd happily let it go at least for now as it's just added pressure and pain (I suspect for both of us).

 

That said, I will not lie; I absolutely hope to patch things up with him if he does join me but I think I'm just giving myself false hope saying that. I wish his words/actions were a bit more clear and concrete at this point. It seems I don't have the strength to completely cut him off yet and need him to do it once and for all. How pathetic is that?

[joseb]

Oh, and by the way:

you are a loving, good looking, educated, intelligent woman with a great career and lots to offer and you will be perfectly fine and will find someone better when the time is right

[C0nfused1980]

Haha, thank you for that. Now if only that little voice would shut up and let me believe this...

[joseb]

It seems I don't have the strength to completely cut him off yet and need him to do it once and for all. How pathetic is that?

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not pathetic, it's very understandable.

I have walked in your shoes and also felt pathetic.

Hopefully you can find the strength.

[C0nfused1980]

Thank you - truly. I really hope so too. He's supposed to get back to me this week and I think he will say he cannot join me. I think that's what I need to hear to cut ties once and for all and start to let go.

[C0nfused1980]

Hey guys,

 

Some of you may have read my story here before. Basically had a great relationship with my ex for a couple of years with some rough patches. Things got bad when he moved away and the very long distance and time difference got the best of us. We got into a big fight and broke up. I wanted to patch up afterwards but he didn't. He wanted to be friends and I had a trip booked with him so we stayed in touch. He had also told me when we meet up we would see how things go which gave me a lot of hope (stupid stupid stupid!!).

 

Yesterday, he told me he cannot make it for the most part of the trip due to 'work commitments' and may or may not make it for the last few days but I shouldn't count on it or plan around it. I told him I would go on my own as I cannot wait around like that. He had no issues with that it seems.

 

I also told him I cannot be friends with him as I still wanted to work things out and he led me on thinking this was an option. He said he never promised anything though he would like to see where things go but for now, he is not there yet and things may change in the future. I guess he's basically putting me on the back burner for whatever reason.

 

I ultimately told him this is not good enough for me and I am going to need a lot of time to get over everything fully and then maybe we can be friends but absolutely not till then. I also asked him to not contact me unless he wants to work things out. And so begins the NC period.

 

I actually would love to be able to get over him and have him in my life as a friend. I know he does care about me and does love me but he's letting his ego and the hurt get the best of him but well, that's something for him to work out and I cannot wait around for that to happen so my focus now will be trying to really let it go.

 

I do still feel that he's throwing away something that can be amazing but I cannot force him to see that. He seemed very upset that I don't want to keep in touch for the time being but I guess that's just too bad! I hate this - hate losing him like this, hate the fact that we never got to say goodbye in person and the fact that he seems to be so okay with letting it all go. I don't get it - it's killing me but it doesn't seem to be the same way for him.

 

I am going to have to be strong now and remain NC until my feelings for him are gone however long that takes. I am still hoping he will get in touch with me and want to work it out. Ouch - will this hope die away with time?

 

Sorry I guess I am venting here but really need all the support I can find now. This is going to be a very tough journey - despite his faults and our relationship flaws, this guy was the love of my life. I actually do hope we can salvage our friendship (we were best friends before we dated). Has anyone ever managed to do this? I'm not really friends with any of my exes as such. I am sort of in touch with an ex of 10 years ago but no one else so I don't know how this will work out. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated!

[badpenny]

Every love we have is the love of our life

At that moment.

There IS no-one else, so how could they NOT be?

 

There WILL be someone new. But be patient, love your own company and look at the advantages of being free and single.

While they may not seem obvious right now, aspects of this development are very liberating.

 

You are your own boss. You control you and everything about yourself.

Immerse yourself in that, and revel in it.

 

You may well be thinking "Oh, yeah...sure!" and I grant you, you may not believe it. And yes, I appreciate it's easier said than done, but it's true....

[C0nfused1980]

Also - this is bothering me because I am not generally a spiteful person. Last night during this conversation, I was so angry at him callously ditching me in a foreign not so safe country I've never been to before (in my mind this is how it was anyway and I absolutely cannot get out of the trip) - I did tell him something along the lines of 'you have absolutely screwed me over with this and I will not sugar coat it for you. I do love you but what you did with this trip is terrible and I didn't expect this from you'.

 

Turns out I was wrong about not being able to get out of the trip - my company and I worked it out - I guess I was subconsciously hanging on to it because I wanted to see him.

 

Should I apologize and let him know? I know I probably made him feel really low and I regret it..

[dangerbang]

Also - this is bothering me because I am not generally a spiteful person. Last night during this conversation, I was so angry at him callously ditching me in a foreign not so safe country I've never been to before (in my mind this is how it was anyway and I absolutely cannot get out of the trip) - I did tell him something along the lines of 'you have absolutely screwed me over with this and I will not sugar coat it for you. I do love you but what you did with this trip is terrible and I didn't expect this from you'.

 

Turns out I was wrong about not being able to get out of the trip - my company and I worked it out - I guess I was subconsciously hanging on to it because I wanted to see him.

 

Should I apologize and let him know? I know I probably made him feel really low and I regret it..

 

He'll get over it. People say awful things in the heat of the moment during break ups. Don't contact him again.

[backandforth]

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds like, deep down, you know that NC is the only way to go. It's the right decision, but implementing it is so damn hard. He may try to push your buttons if he's upset about your decision but you've gotta hold out.

 

In your mind you have to tell yourself it's completely over and walk away. If he truly wants you, he'll fight for you (and not by sending you half-hearted "I miss you" messages). Until that time, he's a ghost.

 

I'm in much the same boat. Very long distance relationship, I moved overseas to be with her, it lasted just over a year (after one year of long-distance). We loved each other deeply but couldn't make it work. She wanted to stay friends but I just couldn't do it. Feelings were far too strong. Been NC for a month and a half. I miss her every day.

 

I know how much this hurts, believe me.

[C0nfused1980]

He'll get over it. People say awful things in the heat of the moment during break ups. Don't contact him again.

 

Thanks for your reply. My only concern is the fact that I honestly am hoping eventually we will be good friends - I don't want him to feel resentful because of this. But maybe you are right and he will get over it. I sure hope so!

[C0nfused1980]

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds like, deep down, you know that NC is the only way to go. It's the right decision, but implementing it is so damn hard. He may try to push your buttons if he's upset about your decision but you've gotta hold out.

 

In your mind you have to tell yourself it's completely over and walk away. If he truly wants you, he'll fight for you (and not by sending you half-hearted "I miss you" messages). Until that time, he's a ghost.

 

I'm in much the same boat. Very long distance relationship, I moved overseas to be with her, it lasted just over a year (after one year of long-distance). We loved each other deeply but couldn't make it work. She wanted to stay friends but I just couldn't do it. Feelings were far too strong. Been NC for a month and a half. I miss her every day.

 

I know how much this hurts, believe me.

 

Thanks backandforth. I read your story - I'm so sorry you're going through this as well - for lack of better words, it just really sucks!! The way you described how you feel is pretty much me right now. I know that I will move on and I will probably meet other people but not one of my exes has ever made me feel the way this man does and I am scared that I will never have that kind of love again. I know he will always be very special to me regardless of what's happened and what happens in the future.

 

I know it's terrible for me to hope - it will probably not happen - but the thing is I know how much he cares about me and he much he does love me. That makes me think maybe, just maybe he will eventually come around. However, I have made it clear that unless he wants to work it out, there will be no more contact for now so I guess at least I'm trying to save myself from the breadcrumb situation.

 

Do you think you will ever be friends with your ex? Has she reached out to you at all? For me, I really hope that if there is no relationship in our future, at least the friendship can eventually be salvaged. He just means too much to me as a friend on top of everything else for me to be able to write him out of my life for good.

[dangerbang]

I am scared that I will never have that kind of love again. I know he will always be very special to me regardless of what's happened and what happens in the future.

 

He just wont be. They never are. We've all had similar exes and eventually you just don't care about them. Why would you, they dumped you!

 

I know it's terrible for me to hope - it will probably not happen - but the thing is I know how much he cares about me and he much he does love me. That makes me think maybe, just maybe he will eventually come around.

 

We all think that at the start. Sure he cares about you, but not enough to be with you. It wasn't fulfilling enough for him obviously. They never come around. And why would you be with someone who left you? They'd only do it again.

 

Do you think you will ever be friends with your ex? Has she reached out to you at all? For me, I really hope that if there is no relationship in our future, at least the friendship can eventually be salvaged. He just means too much to me as a friend on top of everything else for me to be able to write him out of my life for good.

 

Being friends with an ex is a ridiculous notion. Put your feelings aside and think about it logically. Do you want to hear about his current squeeze while you look at him lovingly?