simon_uk Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 If they were feeling neglected and said I love you, I will always love you but I am not in love with you. Then why would they come back? I am not pinning my hopes on this happening but after 4 weeks would they not just let it go? I have had a lot of advice from people on this site and a lot of people say NC is the way to go and if you really want her back you have to just move on and not contact her. But my question is. Why would she want to come back? I have got lots of good qualities and I am a genuinely good guy, she even said to me after we split, your heart is in the right place, you just need a bit of work. But would this be worth it? Simon
quankanne Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 depends on what you want from the relationship, and whether you are willing to "grow" in direction she feels that you lack. And whether this personal growth expected of you is actually for your benefit or hers! are you not meeting up to her standards on certain issues or simply not meeting up to your own potential? One is saying, "I am ashamed to bring him around my friends because, well, he's just not like us," while the other is "dude, I love you, but your dependence on alcohol/crack/pot/anger/hatred is holding you back from being the person I know you are, and in turn, that causes me to question whether I can remain in a relationship where we are so at odds over the issue." sometimes, especially in the latter case, it's just hard to walk away from someone even though you realize that the relationship has hit a dead end. Because the love you feel for them still causes you to worry about them or be concerned about their welfare, even though you understand this love is not strong enough to keep you in a relationship with someone having those kinds of problems.
Author simon_uk Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 Yes I am ready and willing to grow. the difficult part is convincing her or more importantly showing her this. How do I go about that if she is not contacting me? I feel like I have blown this monumentally and really dont want to lose it. But what can I do and like I said why would she want to come back if she has no faith? We dont see each other at all so I it is impossible to grow in front of her. So depressed!!!!!
NTB Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 she is not calling for a reason and if your going to change then just do it and she will realize it ........you can't point out change to people they have to see it themselves...... just my 2 cents
Author simon_uk Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 Exactly! That is my point really. There is no way for her to see it!
NTB Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 you can't change overnite man if you change it will take time and who knows what will happen from here till then you might meet some one else she might realize your efforts so many things can happen but if your going to change do it for you not for a girl i did the whole "you need to change" for a girl and it did nothing for our relationship instead i found myself not liking this girl as much as before and it ended on a sour note maybe she might not see the complete change but she will see your efforts
quankanne Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 simon, don't focus so much on the fact that she's not there or that she doesn't know about your personal growth, just do it for yourself. at some point, she – like others – will someday see the fruits of your labors .... Until then, do these things for you, not because she will or won't see the progress as it occurs.
Bubbles Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Women have ways of finding things out........never underestimate the sneaky, sneaky! Are you aware of the areas that she would like to see you change? Are you in agreement that these things should change to make YOUR life a better one? I am asking about YOUR life - not hers! If a person makes changes in their life it should always be for ones own self first.....if the change is a postive one then it will affect the people around you all on it's own.....you don't need to advertise - word will get around! bubbles
Author simon_uk Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 Hi, my problem is I am scared of getting hurt. We once had a converstaion about maybe I am a CP, but I have come to the conclusion that I am not. I am scared of being hurt, so I take my time, I dont want to rush into anything. Especially as when we met I had just been really badly hurt and she had just left a marriage. I am the only one who could drive so it was basically we see each other when It suits me. Initially, ie before christmas she was in sympathetic with the amount of travelling I was doing but not so recently. She told me so, she wanted to see me more and i was going to fizzle myslef out like her ex did. Anyhow I guess I did fizzle out as far as she was concerned. I am not a very affectionate person, by that I mean I am a good, sensitive, unselfish lover, but perhaps I take the little things for granted, ie pats on the bottom, words of reassurance, hugs and cuddles. I have identified this as being a part of me from childhood as I have a tiny family, mum, sister, cousin and grandparebts I see maybe once a year. We have never been a family to hug and kiss, so maybe it stems from here. I am not selfish, I just assume, incorrectly that because I dont need hugs and cuddles that much, then everybody is like that. You see my ex has far more problems than you could imagine, sleazy job, drinking problems, anti depressnats, mood swings, a very very mean best friend (who I think was partly responsible for her decision) an destranged mother and a schizophrenic sister. She has no intention of getting a real job and she didnt make any effort to pass her driving test so maybe, once in a while she would come and see me. YOu see, so I believe that I am not completely to blame and maybe, she isnt completely blaming me. But she says it hasnt worked. I think that is more down to the fact that she hasnt had her own way than anything else. I want to make an effort to build on this relationship and make it work because there was a time not too long ago, maybe two months when she loved me like I have never been loved. I always felt the same but as much as I told her she never really believed it. The same as she never believes her mum really loves her. (Her mum did kick her out at 15 though so that is understandable) but you see, her mum is doing anything she can to make it upto her and no matter how much love she gives it is never enough. I had a conversation with her mum two months ago and we both agreed, she wants so much love it is hard to give!!!! I want to be there for her, I want to save her from a life that can only go down and I want to give her all of the love I have for her. But letting her know this or showing her is impossible. I think what finally convinced her is that she overheard me talking to my jeweller friend beofre christmas about a ring for her, but I had decided to wait ubtil her 30th this Thursday. She told me she overheard the conversation after we split up and she was devestated because she thought she was getting it at Christmas. If only she would have been patient!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If love can die in those ten or twelve weeks since christmas then I have to believe that she never truly loved me for two years or that she is lying about not being in Love with me. I dont know which. I dont know whether to fight or give in! And by the way I did drop a letter off for her at her mums that she may have already ahd or she may get today explaining my thoughts, regrets and feelings, no begging, no pleading. I have had no reply but I am still going to post a card for her birthday. Nothing romantic just an acknowledgment. Then no more contact Ever! Thanks for listening SImon
flowergirl Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Simon: From what you say in your post, this girl sounds like someone who's better left alone. She sounds very dysfunctional and incapable of being in a stable relationship. Suck, but I guess we sometimes have to learn the hard way.
iwishiknewthen Posted April 25, 2005 Posted April 25, 2005 simon No Contact is all about timing. sometimes you have to try doing something and sometimes you are left (after trying with no choice BUT no contact) it does 2 things, 1) gives you reprieve from rejection and time to think things thru and 2) gives her a sense of you respecting yourself and her wishes. why would she come back? ..who knows? could be many reasons. she steps back and sees the grass might not be greener on the other side. time makes her grow up..maybe she finds God and regrets the way she left it and hurt you. sees her shortcoming too. thinks back on your good points. i know this all seems like a stretch. it does to me too at times. but there are many stories of people getting back together even after they were married to each other and divorced they re marry each other again. it may be the exception not the rule but it does exist. i am not saying to hope needlessly. we need to exercise common sense too. but the question was ...why would they come back? it seems harder if they got engaged (as in my case he did) or if they got married. but if shes still single and is alive... there is still some hope. but of course we all have to live in the meantime and much as we can happily and healthy. i know its so so hard when you feel lost without the one you love. its hard to even see life as good anymore. but so we dont become vegetables, we need to try try try to push on. it is easy to become a vegetable when the heart is grieving so much. geeze sometimes i just walk around in a daze. honestly i feel guilty give any advise here when some days i muddle thru. but i am getting stronger and we have to have faith that something will give somewhere...someday. i wonder if they will come back too. what is the incentive when love apparently died and there is no contact? i really get where you are coming from on that level. its what brought me to this post. i wanted the answers myself. but then i thought about it and there are various reason why they might. but we cant get stuck hoping too much but its not bad to have some hope. i think the best thing to do is give it a time limit. say i will try this...for such and such a time. then i will try that for such and such a time. "that" is probably the no contact stage. then you wait and give that a few months, etc. but vow to (this is my saying...LIVE while you wait and DONT wait to live) i try to practice this daily. believe me i am a mess but, i know i have to keep going because i am stuck on this planet and i am getting older and i have to try to be as happy as possible or i will snap lol. meantime i grieve the loss of my soul-mate inside. this is the worst thing i ever went thru. but i have to think one day at a time. why might they come back to us. because we are worthy. we were good catches hehe some of us....... they did see something in us before. who knows? but thats my answer to your great question. i have read some books for different situations and perhaps you might find one useful for your situation...who knows... some have really helped me. if i didnt let my emotions mess up the strategy these books/idea offered at the time, i might have gotten my man back. so when you adopt one of these methods you have to be true to them AND BE Consistent. if that can be done. chances are none of this stuff will work though if we let our emotions run a muck... so consistency and time limits are important. it helps us to get past being stuck. because being stuck is the worst. i think the partners we once had to to feel the relationship we once had is worth preserving. it had basic core values that we shared. if it went awry we are committed to fixing it..working on it. and we need to know what is the primary need of the other. i know this involves communication. and with no contact how do we do thaT? ok ok i am working on thinking about that. in the meantime i feel these books below offer some tips. they just might be worth perusing next time you are in a book store have have a cup of coffee or tea in the uk? pick the one that fits your situation now... 1) How To Get Your Lover Back- by Blase Harris, M.D. (successful strategies for starting over and making it better than it was before) my opinion. good book~!!!!! you have to be strong but this strategy makes sense. this writers words spoke to me in the beginning of the book. he really knew the pain of losing someone and his someone back and she is now his wife : ) thank Goodness for happy endings!!! lord we need more of them. 2) How to Heal a Painful Relationship --- Bill ferguson step by step how to heal relationship written by a divorce lawyer who wanted to help people avoid divorce. end conflict forgive, let go resolve issues restore love my opinion this has good passages in it. i didnt need the entire book. it would have been better while we were together. i wish i read it then when i saw signs of trouble. and when we all look back and think hard..we can sometimes see the little signs. if you want someone back or want someone speak your heart and that can relate to that, i would say #1 book is better. 3) Men are from Mars Woman are from Venus- john Gray a practical guild for improving communication and getting what you want in your relationship. my opinion-- this is good for anyone married or dating or whatever. men do have different primary needs than woman and vs versa. it great for insight and i wish my mom gave this book to me when before i married . 4) relationship rescue- phillip mcgraw a 7 step strategy for connecting with your partner my opinion...hey just because hes on tv a lot and you are a man and may think hes cheeky, trust me this book is good!! but it does involve co-operation whereas the #1) book doesnt. the number one book doesnt need the resisting persons co-operation ) its good to get tips from these books.. nothing for any of us to be ashamed of.
Author simon_uk Posted April 25, 2005 Author Posted April 25, 2005 Thanks for your post it was very interesting. I can handle NC if I am honest, it kills me but I can cope. I can also manage if she doesnt want to be with me anymore, it sucks but I will cope. What I cant handle is her sending em aromantic song down the phone, telling me she loves me and needs me. Then when I respond two days later she tells me she was drunk and she shouldnt have done it. then telling me I am spoiling her birthday, shouting at me and being very irrational. Then later she sends me a text saying shame it took you two days to react. Now she says I thought we could have been friends but........................WTF does she expect me to do??? What does she want from me and why is she making me feel bad??? I never hurt her intentionally. So I took things for granted now and again big deal! Everybody does that now and again! Even her who is obviously holier than holy!
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