Hello everyone. I'm wondering how you all feel about Age Difference?

[JoshRall]

My girlfriend and I have yet to be judged about the age difference. Everyone has been quite supportive.

 

I really wanted to come somewhere large and populated like this site and see what the objective consensus would be.

 

I am 39m and she is 20f

 

 

So here we go..

[whichwayisup]

How long have you two been together? Is she working or in college?

 

If you both are okay with the age difference and you two love one another genuinely, you treat her well and respect her (same goes vice versa), your lives mesh well together and you're happy, why not?

 

Though with that said, if her parents are against it and there are issues (maybe you don't work or aren't grounded, or aren't great a guy) then for sure it will be harder for you two to be together. Or if your family doesn't like her, same thing.

 

Have you been married before? Do you have children? If no kids, do you want kids some day?

[JoshRall]

How long have you two been together? Is she working or in college?

 

If you both are okay with the age difference and you two love one another genuinely, you treat her well and respect her (same goes vice versa), your lives mesh well together and you're happy, why not?

 

Though with that said, if her parents are against it and there are issues (maybe you don't work or aren't grounded, or aren't great a guy) then for sure it will be harder for you two to be together. Or if your family doesn't like her, same thing.

 

Have you been married before? Do you have children? If no kids, do you want kids some day?

 

 

I loved that response. And I will certainly address everything. We've been together nearly a year. She's working, not in college. But we haven't ruled out college for her.

 

I absolutely do love and respect her. As she does me. We actually 'met' online initially. It wasn't a dating site, it's an information library where I had a couple of papers. She contacted me through there with some amazing questions. We got to talking regularly, and to be honest I pictured her age to be around 30.

 

It was after we had really begun to enjoy our conversations a great deal that we exchanged ages and photos, then met.

 

As far as us meshing well and being compatible. That was one of the first things we found out about each other, the amazing scope of topics that we both enjoyed. She is very intelligent and has a beautiful mind. I still can't believe she's 20.

 

Before meeting her, I had decided that I wasn't going to get involved with anyone again until I found a special one. Well there she was. Neither of us have an issue with our age difference. To be honest I never think about it when we're spending time together. It just feels natural.

 

Her parents aren't in the picture at all and haven't been for quite a while. And from what I've heard I really don't ever imagine meeting them. But if that happens, I will be there.

 

Yes I treat her very well. I've always been that kind of guy. I could do no different if I wanted to.

 

I went to college and I have been successfully self-employed for almost 15 years now.

 

And my parents have no issue at all as long as we're happy.

 

I will admit though that I struggled with this for a while at first. Having met her personality and mind first, I was astonished. I say I struggled, I think more accurately, I felt that I should be struggling with it. In the end I decided that it didn't matter at all as long as her and I were both comfortable with it. So I accepted that we could very well be judged quite often. And it hasn't happened yet.

 

She doesn't really look older than 20. And I maybe look a handful of years younger than 39. So there's an obvious difference.

 

Thank you very much for your reply. I've been wanting an outside perspective to weigh in on this. Not because I doubt what we're doing or the morality, I have simply been so curious.

 

I have been married before. I have no kids. As of yet, she says she does not desire kids. I've never pictured it myself. I'm not sure if I would want any.

 

Josh

[avintagegirl]

If its working, then more power to you. How many relationships with no real age gap difference can say that?

 

My only concern would be what happens in 10 years when she may want kids - things do change and you are fantasizing of retirement in a few years? To me its those kind of life questions that make these relationships hard. You cant know in a decade what you will want and what sense does it make to limit happiness now for a reality you might not face?

 

As long as the two of you communicate well, and it sounds like you do, go for it.

[leavesonautumn]

I think it's really dependent on the people in the relationship. I've seen it work but from my own experience it didn't. My ex and I didn't have as much of an age difference as you and your girlfriend, I was 21 and he was 30 when we met. It never seemed to be an issue until about a year before we broke up when I was 26 and he was 35. What I noticed was that he had peaked in maturity while I still had a lot of growth. I just outgrew him. However, that had a lot to do with him as a person and not age - no goals, not looking to improve himself, didn't really like relationships etc, while I was just getting started with life and figuring it out.

 

If you have similar goals and the relationship just feels right then don't question it, just enjoy it. It may end and it may not, no one can say for sure in any relationship if it'll work out but I believe if you are happy then just go along with it

[JoshRall]

Thanks everyone for posting. I really appreciate the additional insight.

 

Here after a little while I will be able to show this thread to her. She knew I was going to do this, she just isn't concerned about it. Concerned may be too strong a word. I think curious is most like it.

 

That said, I wasn't expecting all of the great questions and further insight into the matter. That's a huge bonus.

 

We've talked about the, 'what happens in 10 - 20 years'. It seemed while neither of us could see us going our separate ways, I wanted to make sure we were being realistic. in 20 years I'll be nearly 60 and she'll be 40. I've tried to make it clear that I do not expect her to stay with me forever, but that I will take all that I can get. I love that she can't currently see us parting ways eventually, I do. But, i will have to see how things are at those stages. Right now I won't be holding her back. But that won't be the case in the future.

 

Kids, I wasn't going to mention this but we're fairly anonymous anyway. She, right now, does not want kids at all. She has BPD and not only does she not want to pass that along but she doesn't feel that she would be a good mother. This is how she feels now. And she is incredibly level-headed. I think she is also the mature one out of us two. But, we'll see how she's feeling in 5 - 10 years.

 

We communicate well, that's for certain. I was very happy when I knew that she felt the same way regarding that.

 

I appreciate all of the encouragement and food for thought.

[badpenny]

The only times when it may be an issue is in the early years (as a 17-year-old, you would never have lookead at someone aged 7.... I mean gross stuff aside (that wasn't the intention of my comment) the age difference would simply be ridiculous.

And yet, once upon a time, there you both were...

 

The other time is at the other end of the spectrum.

 

My mother and father had 11 years separating them, and in the end, as my father was well into his 80's (they had 57 years together) she became 'less' of a wife and 'more' of a Carer.

 

She did this ceaselessly, with love, consideration and total willingness, no problem there. but nevertheless, there was a subtle subliminal shift in their togetherness....

 

I am 5 years older than my husband, and was 7 years younger than my ex-H.

 

Age is just a number...

my parents met when my mother was 17, and my dad 28. They married 26 days before her 21st birthday.

My father died in 2010.

Long, eventful, with the standard ups-and-downs any relationship, regardless of age, experiences.

 

Be kind to each other.

Retain and develop that respect, never break each others' trust and continue to communicate effectively.

 

And laugh.

A lot.

And often.

 

The sex, the physical, the intimacy, that changes, goes up and down (no pun intended!) and will in turns, surge and fade...

 

That doesn't matter half as much as anyone really thinks it might.

What matters is not physical arousal, but intellectual stimulation, interest and enjoyment of one another's company.

Be one, no matter what the age. But never forget you're individuals.

[whichwayisup]

You're very welcome.

 

Life is short so don't worry about the what if's 10-20 years from now. Stay in the now and enjoy .

 

Just be open about kids, she's young and no way near ready to have a child, but she could change her mind as she gets older and her body tells her it's time.

[hotpotato]

I'm cool with it. I was dating a 36 year old man when i was 20.

Now I wouldn't date him because he's mid 40s and turning into an old man. That's the downside for the younger partner. That would be the downside of it. Other than that, it was fine, and sometimes it was fun to joke about the age difference.

[todreaminblue]

I think maturity is far more important than the age factor......relationships take more maturity than physical age..people mature at different ages and i believe its unique to the individuals....and the dynamic together is also important...if your couple dynamic together is good and you have many things in common .....more power to you both.........i wish you well....deb

[No Limit]

I don't have a problem with it per se, what I'm more "eew" about is something like 15 year old girl + 40 something guy.

But I wouldn't think it was a relationship to last to be honest.

[autumnnight]

I wouldn't worry about the biased opinions of anyone who practices laughable pop psychology or feels the need to concern themselves with YOUR relationship. Are the two of you happy? If so, don't worry about the judgment of skeptics or jaded shrews

[Price2Play]

She has BPD and not only does she not want to pass that along but she doesn't feel that she would be a good mother.

 

20 & BPD. That would be concerning but hey man go for it if you think you can handle it. I personal wouldn't take any woman under 25 serious for dating but hey that just me.

 

Good luck man!

[Popsicle]

The concern I have is do you currently live in the same city?

[Robert Z]

Twenty years isn't that big of a difference; not the norm but not highly unusual either. The big threat to you is that she will eventually leave you for a younger man. But I don't know if the odds of success are really any worse than in any relationship.

 

 

And don't buy into this maturity business. That plays a role. But even if on very different planes of maturity, kindred spirits can still connect. I've been spending with a woman 30 years younger than me for the last three years. And while the difference in our ages obviously shows, it's what's inside that really matters. We can still spend countless hours laughing the night away and enjoying ourselves. Age makes very little difference. So I think relationships like this can work as well as any other; at least for a time.

[elaine567]

To clarify

BPD = Bipolar Disorder or BPD = Borderline Personality Disorder

Is that professionally diagnosed?

Is she receiving treatment?