PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 The older gentleman I have been seeing noncommitedly (is that a word?) for the past six months asked to schedule in some time together, but I'd already filled up my week with other events and declined his propositions. Went on a "date" with a new younger guy recently, had a blast, and now I see my situation in a whole new light. I am not interested in pursuing new younger guy, but spending time with him made me realize how much I give give give to the older gentleman and how draining it can be; not only that, he made me panic all the time over stupid things. With new younger guy, I didn't have to lift a finger!! He treated me like royalty and could actually walk more than ten steps without going "OW!!" I'm not quite sure how to handle things with the older gentleman. I've recently found myself rolling my eyes when I receive a text from him…(yes, the same guy whose texts would elicit three backflips, the moonwalk ending with the splits.) These feelings have newly surfaced and I feel a bit lost and surprised at myself. Since we aren't committed, I guess one option is just to keep turning down his invites. And if he asks me why, then I can explain. Until he asks, I will ride it out and am allowed do whatever the hell I want in the meantime, right? Or could this be a passing phase? I still care a lot about him and I feel like a big fat douche declining his invites, esp. because of his condition, but what else can I do??? Thoughts? 1
fitnessfan365 Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 Pumpkin, I think the reason why you're not interested in younger guy is because he put you up on a pedestal. You need a guy who won't kiss your ass and that will challenge you a bit. However I am GLAD to hear that you're finally coming to your senses on how bad that situation was. I'm hoping you can find a younger guy that you can be active with who can also stimulate you mentally and push your buttons.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 Pumpkin, I think the reason why you're not interested in younger guy is because he put you up on a pedestal. You need a guy who won't kiss your ass and that will challenge you a bit. No, that's not it at all. I would def. go out with him again, but I am not physically attracted. He is fun. And when I said he treated me like royalty, I meant he actually held the umbrella. Something current old boyfriend can't do. My standards have sunk so low dating an invalid.
preraph Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 Send your old guy to me. We can limp around together. Hah. This older guy has to know this was coming eventually. Start dating other guys. You can just say you have other plans. Then if he asks, tell him, you're dating around. 2
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 No, that's not it at all. I would def. go out with him again, but I am not physically attracted. He is fun. And when I said he treated me like royalty, I meant he actually held the umbrella. Something current old boyfriend can't do. My standards have sunk so low dating an invalid. Dating an INVALID??? Wow. That's just so....MEAN! You KNEW he was older. You KNEW he had health and physical issues. You even wrote posts and created threads about his health issues; but because you 'cared' about him and because he treated you 'right', you continued dating him. WHY??? Why would you continue to date someone who has health issues and who doesn't have the sexual stamina and physical agility that you truly desire? IMO, you're stringing 'old boyfriend' along until....Idk. Until you find someone better? Until you keep on rejecting his invites to the point that he finally breaks up with you?? Why don't you just break up with this "OLD INVALID" so he can find another woman who is a better fit for him? And so you can date someone who can walk a few steps without saying, "Ow!" and who can have sex with you for hours and hours without getting all tired? This 'old boyfriend' clearly isn't a match for you - WHY haven't you broken up with him yet?? ...because you 'care' about him? . 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 oh, man…I'm not losing interest because of his health. I rather like him being frail and unable to walk far. (harder to pick up chicks) I'm just wearing thin with the whole noncommited/casual thing…panicking and worrying so much stuff that only GFs or wives should worry about, and I'm not even a GF. So why? When we are together, he is kind to me, but I am taking care of him for the most part. When I was on the date with new guy, *I* was being taken care of. Quite a change I wasn't expecting. It was refreshing.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 Dating an INVALID??? Wow. That's just so....MEAN! You KNEW he was older. You KNEW he had health and physical issues. You even wrote posts and created threads about his health issues; but because you 'cared' about him and because he treated you 'right', you continued dating him. WHY??? Why would you continue to date someone who has health issues and who doesn't have the sexual stamina and physical agility that you truly desire? IMO, you're stringing 'old boyfriend' along until....Idk. Until you find someone better? Until you keep on rejecting his invites to the point that he finally breaks up with you?? Why don't you just break up with this "OLD INVALID" so he can find another woman who is a better fit for him? And so you can date someone who can walk a few steps without saying, "Ow!" and who can have sex with you for hours and hours without getting all tired? This 'old boyfriend' clearly isn't a match for you - WHY haven't you broken up with him yet?? ...because you 'care' about him? . I think he is stringing me along until he rehabilitates and finds someone better. After all, I am not the one who said "Sweetie, it's none of my business if you chose to date others." So who is stringing who along?
writergal Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 Sounds like this relationship has run its course for you Pumpkin. Best to cut the older boyfriend loose now, especially since he told you from the beginning that he wanted you to date other men and to be happy. If you two were meant to be together for the long term, his recuperation from his surgery wouldn't bother you as it does now. So, that's a clear sign that you need to conclude this relationship (despite the great sex you two had), so that you can ready yourself for a man who is a better fit for you. I wouldn't string him along until someone else comes along. That would be wrong for you both. 2
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 You know, I'm with you. I'm not sure why you put yourself through this, with the older guy. Not because he's not well, but because he's just not committing on top of you giving way more than him. Could sound mean, but I love myself more than I love any man and I would definitely not put up with this. It's good you're dating around and I hope you find someone else soon. When you're ready to move on, I would just tell him. When I wanted to stop dating someone, I just told them. If you want to just keep him around for sex and attention in the meantime, I think you'd be using each other so go ahead. If you want to let him go, just let him go cold turkey and say so. 4
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 You know, I'm with you. I'm not sure why you put yourself through this, with the older guy. Not because he's not well, but because he's just not committing on top of you giving way more than him. Could sound mean, but I love myself more than I love any man and I would definitely not put up with this. It's good you're dating around and I hope you find someone else soon. When you're ready to move on, I would just tell him. When I wanted to stop dating someone, I just told them. If you want to just keep him around for sex and attention in the meantime, I think you'd be using each other so go ahead. If you want to let him go, just let him go cold turkey and say so. You pretty much said the exact thing all my friends have advised. I think he's kept me at a distance for so long, I've grown detached myself. (one/two dates a week, never bringing up relationship, keeping OLD active…) I'm just about done, I think. Injuries or none. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 I think I have stuck around so long because of his ailments. Why? I don't know. Soft spot, I guess, and he knows it. If he was ambulatory and messing with me this way, there is no way I would have stuck around this long.
writergal Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 oh, man…I'm not losing interest because of his health. I rather like him being frail and unable to walk far. (harder to pick up chicks) I'm just wearing thin with the whole noncommited/casual thing…panicking and worrying so much stuff that only GFs or wives should worry about, and I'm not even a GF. So why? When we are together, he is kind to me, but I am taking care of him for the most part. When I was on the date with new guy, *I* was being taken care of. Quite a change I wasn't expecting. It was refreshing. I think he is stringing me along until he rehabilitates and finds someone better. After all, I am not the one who said "Sweetie, it's none of my business if you chose to date others." So who is stringing who along? These two other posts. I agree with your friends' observations. He kept you at arm's length emotionally for the whole relationship, so you acclimated to that by becoming emotionally detached to him as a result. Basically, he was emotionally unavailable to you from the start, yet he wants the perks of a relationship without actually having to be in one. He likes having you around to play nursemaid, but again, he still doesn't offer you what you've hoped for all along: a committed relationship where he's emotionally available. 1
Gaeta Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 You do realize you are comparing a ONE date with a 6 months relationship right?
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 These two other posts. I agree with your friends' observations. He kept you at arm's length emotionally for the whole relationship, so you acclimated to that by becoming emotionally detached to him as a result. Basically, he was emotionally unavailable to you from the start, yet he wants the perks of a relationship without actually having to be in one. He likes having you around to play nursemaid, but again, he still doesn't offer you what you've hoped for all along: a committed relationship where he's emotionally available. What a beautifully written post. OMG what do you think he's going to say when I tell him? I'm scared he's going to throw his crutch at me. (that was a joke, of course.) I might not even say anything. Why? We aren't a couple. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 You do realize you are comparing a ONE date with a 6 months relationship right? Yes, and that is horrible. It means this one date showed more balanced interaction than the entire six months did. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 Yes, and that is horrible. It means this one date showed more balanced interaction than the entire six months did. Then again, it was your choice to be in that situation.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 Then again, it was your choice to be in that situation. Of course. And it's my choice to take myself out. 1
writergal Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 What a beautifully written post. OMG what do you think he's going to say when I tell him? I'm scared he's going to throw his crutch at me. (that was a joke, of course.) I might not even say anything. Why? We aren't a couple. Ha. Well, face to face, text message, haiku, email, phone call, or singing telegram. You at least have plenty of choices for your breakup if and when you're ready to pull the plug.
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 I might not even say anything. Why? We aren't a couple. Well you don't "have" to say anything, but you have been having an intimate relationship and been all emotionally involved for a half a year!!! I'd HOPE you would say something!!! Glad you're done with it tho it was a dead end!! 4
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 Well you don't "have" to say anything, but you have been having an intimate relationship and been all emotionally involved for a half a year!!! I'd HOPE you would say something!!! Glad you're done with it tho it was a dead end!! I will say something if he asks why I've been MIA. I'm not going to volunteer anything just yet because I'm not 100 percent sure if this is a passing phase or how I will feel tomorrow. I still care about him and might even love him. He's just so self-centered and I am drained putting his needs first, even before my own safety. And all this without being a true GF. I can tell you it has nothing to do with wanting to pursue new guy. I don't want to pursue him, but will hang out because he was fun and nice. He just showed me what it was like to spend an evening with someone who cared for my needs once.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 I might just "sit" with these feelings for a little bit until I'm comfortable with the idea. I don't want to be unfair to him but I also don't want to say the wrong thing prematurely. How do you think he will react? I need to be prepared.
Gaeta Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 I don't think you will leave him. You care too much about him being a successful doctor and the whole flafla surrounding it. I think you will stay with him till he is the one telling you good bye.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 (edited) I don't think you will leave him. You care too much about him being a successful doctor and the whole flafla surrounding it. I think you will stay with him till he is the one telling you good bye. I know myself. When I start feeling my efforts are unreciprocated, I snap and become indifferent and the motivation to try any longer isn't there. And what flafla? Oh, you mean sitting at home and adjusting pillows and icing and recuperating and looking for the remote control and lugging all of my Mauviel to his house?? Yeah! That flafla…I'll really miss it. Edited April 26, 2015 by PumpkinLumpkin 1
Gaeta Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 I know myself. When I start feeling my efforts are unreciprocated, I snap and become indifferent and the motivation to try any longer isn't there. And what flafla? Oh, you mean sitting at home and adjusting pillows and icing and recuperating and looking for the remote control and lugging all of my Mauviel to his house?? Yeah! That flafla…I'll really miss it. He has not been reciprocating for 6 months and you're still there aren't you. 2
elaine567 Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 I think he is stringing me along until he rehabilitates and finds someone better. After all, I am not the one who said "Sweetie, it's none of my business if you chose to date others." So who is stringing who along? Yes, but he said that months and months ago in November 2014 after one month of dating, that could hardly be seen as an indication of the state of play now. Yet, you seem to keep maintaining your right to go date others, by holding that against him.
Recommended Posts