Can some girls give me some insight?

[Auz]

Here is one for the girls: Im just wondering if any of you have been through this situation and can explain to me what my gf is going through/thinking. And whats the best way of me approaching her. Like I previously said, i do believe we can have a future (I have age on my side so i see the potential) but I do know she needs to feel that for herself.

 

The situation:

As ive mentioned before, my gf is 20 and im 27. We were together 1.5yrs, no arguments, sorted all problems by talking, everything was fine. No cheating, no lies, no issues, no fights, same values. She just came back from being overseas for 2.5months during which we spoke twice a week, plenty of the I miss you smses+postcards etc.

 

Basically she has come home now and says something doesnt feel right which she cant explain. and she wanted a break to make sure she is with me for the right reasons. Its been almost 2 months now. She is confused by her own feelings, and it takes a bit for her to open up about what could cause it - even to her own friends, so Im hoping someone else can shed some light for me

 

After talking with me a few times, she has said:

She loves and cares for me alot.

She promised there was nothing wrong with our relationship

She isnt seeing anyone else, and doesnt want to be going out with anyone at all.

She's not the kind of girl that will 'lust' after another guy - shes quite conservative

She has high expectations of a guy and noone comes as near to them as I do.

She cant properly explain why she feels different - I believe she's just at that age where she isnt sure if this is what she wants, and shes afraid of commiting me when she herself isnt sure.

She wants to be single for a while - she doesnt feel the need of a guy for security like most girls - she said it could be 6months..a year..2 years? she cant say

She did say if i meet someone that Im interested in, that I should go out with them, but is she saying this as she feels guilty for maybe giving me hope, even though she'd love for us to go out again later? She said us going out again isnt out of the question

She does want us to be good friends - I see her at least 1-3/week so this is unavoidable.. I havent called her for 4 days, and she called me for a chat - I was asleep though so didnt get the message - now been another 2 days.

 

Im not really after any answers - just maybe some insight into what shes going through - so that I can better deal with the situation - maybe some girl that went through a similar thing can shed some light on what she's feeling.

 

Im doing a semi-NC to minimise our interaction as suggested earlier, but I feel very rude if i dont have a reason not to speak to her. I know she asked for the break with good intentions, rather than dragging on the uncertainty and I respect her for that

 

Any comments are good:)

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

What what she overseas doing? Was she in the military. If your relationship was as perfect as you say it was than I'm sorry hunny but it sounds like she met someone overseas. Even though she said that she won't lust over another guy. People cannot control feelings. She's also not going to tell you that she met someone knew so she fills your head with sweet things so you feel better. I know this is not something you want to hear. She says she still cares for you and all that. I would continue NC. Even semi is a start. Hang in there sweetheart. If you were Happy before them you will be happy after them.

[Illusion24]

Honestly, I feel she's just not "in" love with you anymore...

 

Those are the same words I spoke to my ex and as much as it shocks me to see someone else going through the same thing, it's the truth...I fell out of love with him. I told him things were different, but it wasn't a thing it was me...Maybe the time away made her realize theirs something in her life that she still wants to fulfill but not with you...

 

She did say if i meet someone that I'm interested in, that I should go out with them, but is she saying this as she feels guilty for maybe giving me hope, even though she'd love for us to go out again later? She said us going out again isn't out of the question

 

Yes it is, she's just giving false hope so you can move on. If you have hope it keeps you going and doesn't knock you down so fast. I'm sorry if I'm coming across aggressive or meaningful but those aren't my intentions. I just want you to know that, by her words which is exactly how I felt, it's not you or the relationship, it's where she is in her life and the fact that she's craving her independence...Think about, can you picture her with someone else?? Well, by that statement she made above she can see with someone else...It's crossed her mind that maybe theirs someone else out there for you...and it's not her.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is move on...If she comes back it's faith and you're meant to be, if not you'll realize she just doesn't feel the same way for you.

[Auz]

Originally posted by IhavenoFREAKINclue

I'm sorry hunny but it sounds like she met someone overseas.

 

 

Nah I can guarantee she didn't - she was traveling with her sister the whole time visiting family, who I am on good terms with, and her sis also guaranteed that there was no other guy. She's also very conservative and cautious. I think she just doesnt want to commit to something she isnt sure about, due to her age. I think NeverSayNever got it right, when she says its just where she is in her life. Sucks to be me.

 

And yeah, maybe i was Happy before her...but I was 100 times happier with her..so the Happy after her is still a hell of a drop.

 

N'fricken'C here i come....

[LoveAlways]

Well she certainly sounds confused. I kinda know exactly where she's coming from as I've been in a similar experience to her. Taking that the way you describe her as not wanting this independence to be with other people but simply for herself then she's just confused. As most girls her age she doesn't know where she is at this point in her life and a relationship doesn't help in this specific self-discovery because its restrictive - it sorta prevents you from being able to fully open your mind because its always set on the relationship. Claustrophia

 

So maybe she just needs that space of mind but is also having trouble letting you go because she really values you in her life. I think it's really good of her to tell you her feelings and not just go cheat on you or do something mad to "find herself".

 

So respect where she is coming from - perhaps the quarterlife crisis

 

I think you should see the positive in this confusion. She's not dead sure she wants you out of her life forever but you backing away might just help her clarify these very issues and then you'll be able to see how much she really loves you.

[CurlyIam]

Being away puts things into perspective. It makes you see a lot of things you weren't aware of, it breaks the routine you were used to.

 

 

Maybe she loves you, maybe she realised she was only used to you. I have no idea.

 

What I can say is that taking a break is a bad sign. There's nothing new to discover. She already knows everything. I think you should pressure her into finding out the truth: she either wants to break up with you or not. She either loves you or not.

 

 

There's another thing: some people think that after 2 years, there's an inevitable low - like every couple's trial period. Some don't take the pressure and break up. I have certainly experienced it and I was the same age as your gf.

 

 

Stop this silly game and confront her with the real world. She's not on a trip anymore. And she has no right to put you on a string. I say confront her, make her talk and find out the source of her doubts. I am sure there is something making her doubt. And then see what makes both of you happy.

 

 

 

Just don't stall it, you're hurting yourself by playing this game.

[Ty]

Same thing happened with me and my ex.. Just back off, do your own thing, give her space. She's the same age as my ex. When she calls, and she will just talk and act happier than you've ever been. I was devastated when we broke up.. but i came to realize maybe time apart was what I needed too. Now she wants to call me all the time and gives hints about eventually wanting to be with me. Thing is I don't even know if I want her back now.. but we'll see when and if that time comes.

Anyway, if you want her back, if she loves you as much as you say she does, which is the same way I felt. Then give her the space and time to figure out things alone, and do your own thing in the meantime.. NC unless she calls you. If its meant to happen, and she really loves you.. she will be back in no time.

Good luck

[RecordProducer]

I have to say this: she is not in love with you. No girl that is in love would break up or bear to not see the man she loves. Being away from you probably made her realize that she can do well without you and doesn't need you (emotionally).

You might re-build the relationship in the future, but it's time for you to start thinking of her as an EX-GF and accept the break-up. Even if she comes back to you, the fact taht she is not in love will remain.

I am sorry. Wish things work out for you two or good luck with your future partners!

[Ty]

Oh please.. the girl is 20.. she doesn't know what she wants.. giving her time and space may very well make her realize the grass isn't greener on the other side. The girl just needs time to figure out who she is and grow up a bit... doesn't mean she doesn't love him

[Clone]

Ty i agee with you

 

20..hah im 23 and still have alot to learn about myself and love..took me along time to realise how much i loved my ex..i would say a good 3 years before i ealised how much i loved her and cared about her. 1.5 years and she is only 20. Man give her time. Alot to learn but on the other hand one thing if u do want her back is to start moving on. The moment she sees you looking happy and that u dont need her is the moment she will either 1. realise she does want u or 2. realise she doesnt need you. Try to act as happy as possible and even possibly scanning the scene alittle.

[lovehurts23]

Sounds very similar to what i'm going through at the moment. The first few days were very strange, couldn't stop crying and was wondering what i had done to make her say she needed 'space'. After the initial shock, i needed to talk to someone, so i found talking to my mother helped. She was suprised and thinks my Gf is making a big mistake. I agreed to give my gf her space but found it very hard not knowing where i stand. Too many mixed signals were coming from her. She said she needed to 'get away' and move somewhere else (she has mentioned a number of places-so this is why i feel that its not down to another person on the scene and that she needs to find out what it's like 'out there'). She can't seem to commit. I said that the initial space has also done a favour for me too, so that i have had time to realise what i want with my life also. I said maybe we could go for a drink and sort this out? she agreed but suggested a meal instead(not because she wanted me to pay, (because we both payed)). She was still unsure about everything, so i said i've made up my mind, but its obvious you still need more time to thinkabout things, but as long as i'm not going to be put 'on hold' for ever! We came to an agreement that 2weeks should be enough for her to get her head straight(i did say i was willing to give her more time if she needed-but 2weeks was enough to find out). We agreed to give it another go in 2 weeks with a night out together to see if it's going to work. We both agreed that we could trust eachother not to be unfaithful during our space. I told her it was a HUGE weight off my shoulders now because i'm able to get on with my life without the worry of not knowing where i stand. At the end of the meal, we ended up having the most romantic kiss i have ever felt with her. straight after i said 'that was really nice wasnt it' and she said 'yeh it was'. Then she said 'people can see us!'. we both got a lift home(separate houses).

 

The next day she called and we went over what happened etc. she sounded happy with the situation. So i said, ok well i guess i wont hear from you til 2weeks then. She then said she might contact me before i see her in 2weeks to see how i'm doing. We ended the conversation nicely(but no i love you/i miss you etc). After the call, i sent a txt msg saying that i'm glad we sorted evrything out, and hope she keeps the promise to give it another go, and that she has my promise. And said i'll see her soon unless she txts or calls or whatever.

 

views on this anyone? Way to act toward her when we go out etc? I think NC is the best til i see her next, i'm pretty confident i can do it.

 

Auz, Maybe you could do What i have done. Try to come to some agreement. My gf said: what if she finds that she's making a mistake by letting me go and realises that i am the one and was stupid to push me away?.... My dad gave me some good advice and said to give her the benefit of the doubt and give her the space.