Is my boyfriend being cheap?

[Els]

People getting hung up on the price of the mug. But her main complaint was the lack of effort. I mean I'd be EMBARRASED to give a woman in my life a mug for her birthday. Now once again people will bring up him being a college student on a lower budget. But as I've pointed out, I could come up with a $5 method of making her feel special in that instance. That's why I honestly don't think it's the money.

 

However since she hasn't had her birthday yet, maybe he'll make up for it by putting effort into what he plans for them to do.

 

I don't think it's about the money either - it's about the lack of communication. If it mattered that much to the OP what she got - she wants a gift within a certain budget range, or a certain type of gift, or whatever - then she should talk to him about it. Surprises are good, but the recipient should then be open-minded enough to enjoy a range of surprises. Expecting someone to 'surprise you' and hit the exact right nail on the head with zero communication on your part is just... wrong.

 

I personally think it would have been better for the OP to just accept the jewelry rather than turn it down with no further suggestions and then get pissed at her boyfriend for the second gift he chooses.

[Maleficent]

So washing and waxing a car for free and spending $5 on a cupcake would break a budget?

 

The other things I mentioned have to do with what I'd do on top of that since I'm financially independent. But even then, a single piece of lingerie and cooking dinner isn't that expensive. However, as I noted before, if I was financially limited like the OP's boyfriend, I would just do the car treatment and cupcake.

 

Everyone assumes that OP's boyfriend is broke. But if I was first going to buy her a 200$ piece of jewelry, me thinks he's not so broke...

[fitnessfan365]

Everyone assumes that OP's boyfriend is broke. But if I was first going to buy her a 200$ piece of jewelry, me thinks he's not so broke...

 

1) It's not an assumption. The OP has said as much. Both she and her boyfriend are college students that have limited resources. That's why they always split checks, etc..

 

2) I honestly believe that he was never planning on buying jewelry in the first place. He simply wanted to make himself look good IMO. Since she's been conditioned with always splitting checks and watching money in their relationship, he knew she'd say not to spend the money. But that's why it's so funny. If you're going to claim that you're buying jewelry, and know you're going less expensive, at least choose a middle ground. A mug is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum..LOL It would be like me telling a woman I'm going to cook her an amazing meal, and then I have McDonald's waiting for her when she shows up at my place.

 

But once again, I don't think it's the money spent as much the lack of effort. A mug is like he's saying he could care less about her birthday. However, since her birthday hasn't happened yet, maybe he'll make up for the crappy mug by planning some creative, thoughtful things to do. At least I hope he does.

Edited April 26, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[losangelena]

I don't actually think that OP's boyfriend suggested Tiffany jewelry with the intention of not getting it. That's borderline cruel. It could very well be that he doesn't understand how much Tiffany jewelry actually costs. He could also think that that's just what you buy a woman for her birthday—therefore making the offer of expensive jewelry about as thoughtful as that mug.

 

However, I maintain the opinion I laid out in my first post on this thread—that there are many men, even ones who make good boyfriends and husbands, who are just bad gift givers, who are frankly not thoughtful in that regard. That's why I asked OP what they'd done for Christmas and Valentine's, because he might just be bad at gifts.

 

OP has to decide if that's something she's willing to broach with her BF (honey, thoughtful gifts are important to me, please make an effort in this area), or be okay with explicitly telling him what she wants, or be willing to settle in this area. The choice here is hers. Yeah, it'd be great if her BF was a naturally thoughtful gift giver, but like many aspects of a working relationship, it's one of those unromantic things that sometimes just needs to be talked about.

[veggirl]

Did you ask him if that was the ONLY THING he was getting you? How do you know he didn't order a mug and plan to fill it w/ a gc to your fave coffee shop? Or include a bag of nice coffee or something?

 

If he shows his love in other ways and you typically feel appreciated and loved then you need to chill out. We all have missteps. Geesh.

[katiegrl]

I don't actually think that OP's boyfriend suggested Tiffany jewelry with the intention of not getting it. That's borderline cruel. It could very well be that he doesn't understand how much Tiffany jewelry actually costs. He could also think that that's just what you buy a woman for her birthday—therefore making the offer of expensive jewelry about as thoughtful as that mug.

 

However, I maintain the opinion I laid out in my first post on this thread—that there are many men, even ones who make good boyfriends and husbands, who are just bad gift givers, who are frankly not thoughtful in that regard. That's why I asked OP what they'd done for Christmas and Valentine's, because he might just be bad at gifts.

 

OP has to decide if that's something she's willing to broach with her BF (honey, thoughtful gifts are important to me, please make an effort in this area), or be okay with explicitly telling him what she wants, or be willing to settle in this area. The choice here is hers. Yeah, it'd be great if her BF was a naturally thoughtful gift giver, but like many aspects of a working relationship, it's one of those unromantic things that sometimes just needs to be talked about.

 

>>I don't actually think that OP's boyfriend suggested Tiffany jewelry with the intention of not getting it.<<

----

 

^^Completely agree with this. Doing that is just stupid as she easily could have accepted, and then what? Big risk he's taking there... so don't think so.

 

Whoever suggested that was most likely projecting as that is something HE would be inclined to do. Before he learned it's just a plain dumb thing to do!

 

And as LA said, cruel also, especially if she were to accept and then he announces "Oops, just kidding"!

 

Dumb.

Edited April 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[writergal]

Did you ask him if that was the ONLY THING he was getting you? How do you know he didn't order a mug and plan to fill it w/ a gc to your fave coffee shop? Or include a bag of nice coffee or something?

 

If he shows his love in other ways and you typically feel appreciated and loved then you need to chill out. We all have missteps. Geesh.

 

^This. I've been trying to find this information out myself. I bet anything the OP's boyfriend bought the mug with the intention of filling it with coffee or candy, or as an extra to an espresso machine or something more. I just don't believe for a second that the OP's boyfriend only bought her the mug and nothing else.

 

It's a good lesson on communication for the OP if she chooses to learn from the situation and acknowledge her role of not being more specific with her boyfriend about what she wants/doesn't want for a birthday gift.

[fitnessfan365]

>>I don't actually think that OP's boyfriend suggested Tiffany jewelry with the intention of not getting it.<<

----

 

^^Completely agree with this. Doing that is just stupid as she easily could have accepted, and then what? Big risk he's taking there... so don't think so.

 

Whoever suggested that was most likely projecting as that is something HE would be inclined to do. Before he learned it's just a plain dumb thing to do!

 

And as LA said, cruel also, especially if she were to accept and then he announces "Oops, just kidding"!

 

Dumb.

 

Haha.. I'd never have to do that because I'm financially independent. But it's like the episode of The Simpsons where Homer buys Marge a bowling ball he likes. Since she doesn't bowl, he assumes she'll reject the ball and he'll get to keep it for himself. That's why it's funny when she actually takes up bowling..LOL

 

However, look at this way Katie. Their whole relationship has been about watching the money they spend. They always split checks and pinch pennies. They even went half-sies on Valentine's Day. So he knows that his girlfriend wouldn't feel comfortable with him spending that kind of money. Plus, one key element of gift giving is the surprise factor. Who announces to someone what they're buying them for their birthday? I mean if he really was going to buy her jewelry, wouldn't he want it to be a surprise? The only reason why he'd make an announcement about it, is so that she could tell him not to letting him off the hook. Yet he still comes out looking "good" because he wanted to buy her jewelry. It's a form of manipulation.

 

It is interesting how he kept the mug a secret though isn't it? Almost as if that's what he always had planned to give her. I'd be curious what the purchase date on the mug is. If it's before he mentioned the jewelry, he's busted. haha

Edited April 26, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[katiegrl]

Haha.. I'd never have to do that because I'm financially independent.

 

But it's like the episode of The Simpsons where Homer buys Marge a bowling ball he likes. Since she doesn't bowl, he assumes she'll reject the ball and he'll get to keep it for himself. That's why it's funny when she actually takes up bowling..LOL

 

However, look at this way Katie. Their whole relationship has been about watching the money they spend. They always split checks and pinch pennies. They even went half-sies on Valentine's Day. So he knows that his girlfriend wouldn't feel comfortable with him spending that kind of money. I mean if he really was going to buy her jewelry, wouldn't he want it to be a surprise? The only reason why he'd make an announcement about it, is so that she could tell him not to letting him off the hook.

 

Plus, who says they're going to buy jewelry and then buys an $8 mug instead? Makes no sense.

 

Unless you are clairvoyant, you have NO idea what his motivation was in telling her what he did. Or what he was thinking.

 

Everyone is DIFFERENT, please learn that. Just because that is what YOU would be thinking, does not mean that is how everyone thinks.

 

IMO, what makes no sense is him telling her he plans on buying the jewelry, when he had no intention of doing so.

 

They have not been dating that long whereby he would know with 100% certainty that she would say no. Unless he is a mind reader, like you.

Edited April 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[fitnessfan365]

Unless you are clairvoyant, you have NO idea what his motivation was in telling her what he did. Or what he was thinking.

 

Everyone is DIFFERENT, please learn that. Just because that is what YOU would be thinking, does not mean that is how everyone thinks.

 

IMO, what makes no sense is him telling her he plans on buying the jewelry, when he had no intention of doing do.

 

They have not been dating that long whereby he would know with 100% certainty that she would say no. Unless he is a mind reader, like you.

 

Oh come on Katie. You've been just as guilty of presuming with strong opinions as me. Now granted, you're right that no one knows for sure and I'm definitely not a mind reader. But sometimes you can use simple deductions and common sense to draw a reasonable conclusion.

 

He spends their entire relationship crying poor and always making her split the bill with him. Even on V-Day. Yet out of nowhere he suddenly announces he's buying her jewelry he can't afford? Now obviously there are gold diggers who would say "Yes buy me the jewelry" knowing full well he couldn't afford it. But, any woman that genuinely cares about her man knowing he has limited financial means, won't want him spending that type of money on her. The fact that the OP has always been understanding and willing to split all the checks, shows that she cares and sympathizes. That's why I think it's a pretty safe bet that he knows she'd say not to.

 

So as I said before, if he legitimately wanted to buy her jewelry, he would have kept it a surprise in my opinion. Telling her, when he most likely knows she wouldn't like him spending that much money, comes off like manipulation to me. But as I've said, this is simple deduction and a conclusion I've come up with. It isn't fact and I never claimed it was. Just pointing out some things that seem off.

Edited April 26, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[losangelena]

Yeah, I don't know why the assumption is that he manipulated her by asking her she wanted jewelry with no intention of giving it to her. There's no reason to think the worst of the guy. Again, not every guy is as thoughtful about gifts as you are, FF. He sounds a bit thick-headed, not nefarious.

[fitnessfan365]

Yeah, I don't know why the assumption is that he manipulated her by asking her she wanted jewelry with no intention of giving it to her. There's no reason to think the worst of the guy. Again, not every guy is as thoughtful about gifts as you are, FF. He sounds a bit thick-headed, not nefarious.

 

Well as I said. I agree with you and Katie that no one can know for sure. These are just deductions I'm making.

 

But if a woman cares enough to split every bill to help a guy out financially she won't feel comfortable with him spending a lot of money on her. I think that it's safe to say that any decent women in that situation that's not a gold digger would react the same way. So I doubt it's much of a leap for the BF to make that assumption. But as I said, my main suspicion is why he'd announce it to her. Gifts are meant to be a surprise. The only reason I could see him doing that would be for her to let him off the hook and still come off looking good in the process. Then again, I am a bit of a skeptical cynic..LOL

[losangelena]

I see where you're coming from, but again, if he KNEW he couldn't afford expensive jewelry, why even ask in the first place? That doesn't make him look good. What if she had said, oh that would be lovely? Then he's screwed if he never intended to do it.

 

Not every college student is broke all the time. Maybe he was going to put it on the credit card. Him saying he was going to spend that money was perhaps a way to see if that was something she was interested in. Months ago, before Christmas, my boyfriend asked if I'd ever get a FitBit, and I said not really, because at the time, that's not something I would have spent my money on. Little did I realize that he was fishing for gift ideas. If I'd known that's why he was asking, I would have answered differently. In lieu of the FitBit, he got me nothing, which probably wasn't the best move, but some guys would probably rather do nothing than do something wrong. Why he's going with a mug is anyone's guess. I wish the OP would hop back on and shed some more light on the situation.

[losangelena]

Also, we don't know how they came to spilt everything up, money-wise. Did they have a conversation about it? Does OP contribute half of everything because she knows his financial situation and just assumes he wants it that way? Does he ever say he'll pay but she insists on splitting? My BF has a job, but has gone through various stages of cash flow since we've been together. In those times when money is tighter, I'm happy to contribute more than my share, but if he says he wants to treat me, I don't argue with him. I let him.

 

OP says she wants to be treated once in a while. Maybe he was trying to do that with the jewelry.

[Versacehottie]

He's full of crap in my opinion. Since you two have limited budgets and usually split the bill, he knows that you'd say not to buy Tiffany jewelry. So I think he said it to make himself look better knowing that he'd never have to in the first place. My guess? He had the mug all along.

 

But if he was going to say "Tiffany jewelry" he should have at least picked something better than what you'd win for a free fill up in comparison. Why not take you lingerie shopping and make you feel desired, followed by cooking you one of your favorite meals, etc.. Something creative like that.

 

As a whole, I actually think that you sound like a decent woman. You're not demanding and you're understanding of the situation. All you ask is that he treat you like a lady and appreciate you once and awhile.

 

I was gonna say that the whole tiffany jewelry thing was a bluff. A lingerie thing from victorias secret is about $60--that seems appropriate enough for a person on a tight budget and dating 6 months. I think the main objection is a mug is what co-workers give each other when they are forced to do the christmas exchange with virtual strangers and acquaintances--not from your bf!!! It's not necessarily the cost of the mug! I can think of sexy and thoughtful gifts that cost $8-20 or nothing for that matter. It's the lack of effort on his part. Some people just truly suck at giving gifts. But if he's purchased it in that far advance and spoke to you about as well, he MAY just be being cheap. I feel like if you have a feeling that he is being cheap or lazy, it's based on prior incidences.

 

Most importantly, how do you move forward? If he is just clueless for real, he is probably very confused. Also to find the gift in advance and complain about it, is not exactly good behavior on your part. I just think some genuine, honest conversation with how you feel calmly AFTER gift was given (but not immediately) would have been better.

 

I'm torn because a gift is just a what a person offers up--we really have no right to critique and dictate what it is. Take note and have feelings about, of course, is normal and in that case I agree with with you.