Is my boyfriend being cheap?

[anna121]

And they are both in college. That puts everything about the OP's situation into perspective.

 

I think being in college explains being frugal, but not the lack of care. Again, I don't know what the story is behind the mug - it could be really sweet - but I find it hard to believe that many (even college age) guys would seriously think that picking a (ordinary) mug as a birthday gift would be a good idea.

[anna121]

Oh man, I just did a quick search on Amazon, and as I said many of the mugs are absolutely beautiful! Creative and original!

 

And NOT cheap either! Many were in excess of $200!

 

OP, you totally jumped the gun here.

 

She claims it was $8.

[katiegrl]

She claims it was $8.

 

Oh there were some awesome mugs for $8.00 too!!! :bunny:

[writergal]

The jpegs I posted of those mugs from Amazon were listed under $10 each.

[Pennyapple]

Haha.. That was just off the top of my head if I was in the position of the OP's boyfriend being basically broke. I mean showing up early to wash and wax a car, giving her a wake up call, and then singing happy birthday with a single favorite cupcake of hers as I present the car wouldn't even break a bum's bank. But the effort and originality would make her feel like a queen.

 

I'd also take her shopping for lingerie (it'd be a gift for me too. ), and cook her something she loves. Then after dinner settled, I'd give her a full body massage (as a personal trainer I am an expert in anatomy) as part of foreplay with all the sexual needs being focused on her. That is how you celebrate your woman's birthday.

 

AWWW that's soo sweet!!!

[Pennyapple]

I would LOVE it if someone detailed my car! OMG.

Among all the thoughtful gifts mentioned in this thread, I'd say this is the best haha

[fitnessfan365]

Among all the thoughtful gifts mentioned in this thread, I'd say this is the best haha

 

Why thank you.

 

But it was just something off the top of my head. You just need to be creative and put effort in. That's why it cracks me up when guys complain about money, etc.. However, effort and creativity trumps an expensive dinner every time.

[Jessie1231]

Why thank you.

 

But it was just something off the top of my head. You just need to be creative and put effort in. That's why it cracks me up when guys complain about money, etc.. However, effort and creativity trumps an expensive dinner every time.

 

Maybe her boyfriend was planning something like this or better! No one knows because her birthday hadn't even happened yet. There was just preemptive complaining about the gift she thinks she's getting.

[SoftViolin]

OK, well I'll weigh in too

 

To me, with just the information presented here, it does not seem that OP is being unreasonable. She may have overreacted on hearing that mug is her present, and perhaps there were missed opportunities there to "suggest" the gift she'd like, but... I am also of the opinion that suggesting gifts ruins the surprise and makes it feel less special.

 

Having said that, absence of suggestions (OR the fact that she declined receiving a much more expensive gift) does not justify an uncreative gift. That is the bigger issue here - it's not the value of the gift (yes, I agree, a mug can be a thoughtful and creative gift for some couples, but OP doesn't seem to think that is the case here), it's the lack of any thought or care put into a present for a birthday (of a woman he's been seeing for not that short of a period) that this gift demonstrates.

 

Yes, perhaps he is planning something else for her birthday, perhaps there will be a romantic present, or another surprise. But the tone in which the original post was written suggests to me that the money spending issue is something that has been on OP's mind for a while. Money can be tight for a lot of us, a lot of couples do go dutch, but that aside, there should still be attention and thoughtfulness that goes both ways in a relationship, and it can be expressed without any money being spent.

 

FitnessFan gave a ton of fantastic suggestions on creative dates and ways to show attention. So, maybe OP's case is just a guy who doesn't know how to choose/give gifts, and if he is otherwise caring and attentive and does surprise you occasionally with something nice, it is indeed not that big of a deal. To me though, a man who claims to "want" to buy Tiffany jewelry, but who later openly advertises, instead of concealing even if that was the case, that the mug he bought was for her birthday, seems to perhaps not have been cut from the most generous or attentive cloth...

[writergal]

OK, well I'll weigh in too

 

To me, with just the information presented here, it does not seem that OP is being unreasonable. She may have overreacted on hearing that mug is her present, and perhaps there were missed opportunities there to "suggest" the gift she'd like, but... I am also of the opinion that suggesting gifts ruins the surprise and makes it feel less special.

 

Having said that, absence of suggestions (OR the fact that she declined receiving a much more expensive gift) does not justify an uncreative gift. That is the bigger issue here - it's not the value of the gift (yes, I agree, a mug can be a thoughtful and creative gift for some couples, but OP doesn't seem to think that is the case here), it's the lack of any thought or care put into a present for a birthday (of a woman he's been seeing for not that short of a period) that this gift demonstrates.

 

Yes, perhaps he is planning something else for her birthday, perhaps there will be a romantic present, or another surprise. But the tone in which the original post was written suggests to me that the money spending issue is something that has been on OP's mind for a while. Money can be tight for a lot of us, a lot of couples do go dutch, but that aside, there should still be attention and thoughtfulness that goes both ways in a relationship, and it can be expressed without any money being spent.

 

FitnessFan gave a ton of fantastic suggestions on creative dates and ways to show attention. So, maybe OP's case is just a guy who doesn't know how to choose/give gifts, and if he is otherwise caring and attentive and does surprise you occasionally with something nice, it is indeed not that big of a deal. To me though, a man who claims to "want" to buy Tiffany jewelry, but who later openly advertises, instead of concealing even if that was the case, that the mug he bought was for her birthday, seems to perhaps not have been cut from the most generous or attentive cloth...

 

FF doesn't seem to realize that the OP's boyfriend is in college like she is. When you're in college, good luck affording anything expensive for your gf/bf. Unless you're working full-time while you attend college, your budget is already pretty limited.

 

Also, the OP is pre-emptively complaining about her bday gift before she even got it. She saw that her boyfriend ordered a mug on their shared Amazon account, got mad and told him it was a crappy gift, and admits that she was rude to her boyfriend and yet still feels entitled to be mad at her boyfriend because he bought her a mug. I would say the OP hasn't exactly been attentive or generous to her boyfriend. I mean, he bought her a gift before her birthday. She found out then yelled at him about it and acknowledges she was rude to him, yet in the same breathe, tries to justify her anger because she doesn't like mugs as gifts. I mean, wow.

[SoftViolin]

FF doesn't seem to realize that the OP's boyfriend is in college like she is. When you're in college, good luck affording anything expensive for your gf/bf. Unless you're working full-time while you attend college, your budget is already pretty limited.

 

Also, the OP is pre-emptively complaining about her bday gift before she even got it. She saw that her boyfriend ordered a mug on their shared Amazon account, got mad and told him it was a crappy gift, and admits that she was rude to her boyfriend and yet still feels entitled to be mad at her boyfriend because he bought her a mug. I would say the OP hasn't exactly been attentive or generous to her boyfriend. I mean, he bought her a gift before her birthday. She found out then yelled at him about it and acknowledges she was rude to him, yet in the same breathe, tries to justify her anger because she doesn't like mugs as gifts. I mean, wow.

 

Oh, c'mon. She is just describing the situation asking for feedback. Obviously there are some underlying issues that are causing her to start this thread that cannot be adequately expressed in a short post. No need to be quite so harsh on her. She might have jumped the gun being upset over a mug, but again we don't know what's going on there and she (knowing her bf) seems to be confident that's the present. And yes, we don't know if she is a generous and attentive partner, but we don't know otherwise either. I didn't read her post as her being angry, just disappointed and wanting to share.

 

About the FitnessFan's suggestions - I was referring to the ones he gave that were creative and yet very inexpensive. And that's what I meant as well - you don't really need to spend a lot of money to make a person feel special and appreciated. A surprise can be very cheap and yet feel fantastic, but a large chunk of it is indeed in the surprise part too, not in the "hey honey, I used a joint amazon account to buy you a birthday mug"

[Pennyapple]

FF doesn't seem to realize that the OP's boyfriend is in college like she is. When you're in college, good luck affording anything expensive for your gf/bf. Unless you're working full-time while you attend college, your budget is already pretty limited.

 

Also, the OP is pre-emptively complaining about her bday gift before she even got it. She saw that her boyfriend ordered a mug on their shared Amazon account, got mad and told him it was a crappy gift, and admits that she was rude to her boyfriend and yet still feels entitled to be mad at her boyfriend because he bought her a mug. I would say the OP hasn't exactly been attentive or generous to her boyfriend. I mean, he bought her a gift before her birthday. She found out then yelled at him about it and acknowledges she was rude to him, yet in the same breathe, tries to justify her anger because she doesn't like mugs as gifts. I mean, wow.

 

When did I say I yelled to him?? Why do you assume I'm not generous with my boyfriend?? Why do you assume I'm not attentive to my boyfriend??

Now you are getting very personal by blaming me for stuff you are imagining. Maybe you just enjoy imagining the bad sides of people and then bashing them to feel good about yourself?? I posted here for advice not for judgement, if that's where you get pleasure from.

[writergal]

Oh, c'mon. She is just describing the situation asking for feedback. Obviously there are some underlying issues that are causing her to start this thread that cannot be adequately expressed in a short post. No need to be quite so harsh on her. She might have jumped the gun being upset over a mug, but again we don't know what's going on there and she (knowing her bf) seems to be confident that's the present. And yes, we don't know if she is a generous and attentive partner, but we don't know otherwise either. I didn't read her post as her being angry, just disappointed and wanting to share.

 

About the FitnessFan's suggestions - I was referring to the ones he gave that were creative and yet very inexpensive. And that's what I meant as well - you don't really need to spend a lot of money to make a person feel special and appreciated. A surprise can be very cheap and yet feel fantastic, but a large chunk of it is indeed in the surprise part too, not in the "hey honey, I used a joint amazon account to buy you a birthday mug"

 

True, true. We don't know what's going on there with the OP and her boyfriend. It just seems very superficial to me to be this upset over a silly mug, especially since they are both living together (i.e. the reference to sharing living expenses) and are in college.

 

Just seems misguided to me, to get in such a tizzy pre-emptively over what could be part of a larger birthday present. I mean, what about the fact that her poor boyfriend agreed to buy her a different bday gift. And she's still disappointed and think he's a cheap boyfriend? She's not focusing on the fact that her boyfriend did what she asked him to (buy her an inexpensive gift). To get mad at him, for doing what she told him to do, seems really childish to me. Sorry OP. It's how I see your situation. I am trying to be open minded, but it's hard knowing that you don't value your boyfriend's efforts to please you and instead focus on the fact that he bought you a mug.

 

I just don't see the OP's boyfriend as being a cheapskate here.

[SpiralOut]

I am wondering OP, do you know if your bf was planning anything else for your birthday, like taking you out for dinner?

[fitnessfan365]

FF doesn't seem to realize that the OP's boyfriend is in college like she is. When you're in college, good luck affording anything expensive for your gf/bf. Unless you're working full-time while you attend college, your budget is already pretty limited.

 

So washing and waxing a car for free and spending $5 on a cupcake would break a budget?

 

The other things I mentioned have to do with what I'd do on top of that since I'm financially independent. But even then, a single piece of lingerie and cooking dinner isn't that expensive. However, as I noted before, if I was financially limited like the OP's boyfriend, I would just do the car treatment and cupcake.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

I didn't read the whole thread, but what worked with my ex, we had extensive Amazon wishlists ranging from $20 to $15,000. We could pick and chose what we wanted to get for each other.

 

We had a house together at the time and a lot of our gifts went toward the house, so essentially a gift for him was a gift for me too.

[writergal]

My birthday is coming, and he said he wanted to give me a piece of Tiffany jewelry. I didn't want him to spend tons of money so I told him not to and asked him to get something less expensive instead.

 

Today I accidentally found out he bought me a cheap mug (seriously a mug) instead. I was so disappointed and I told him I don't like the gift. He said he will keep searching for something else then. I feel if he really wanted to give me a nice gift, he wouldn't mention it beforehand.

 

We split bills on everything, even on the Valentine's day. He just occasionaly bought me desserts or flowers. We are both students with scholarships and I'm not expecting him to pay for everything. But I do want to feel special and appreciated once in a while, especially on my birthday.

 

You are both students on scholarships, so you already don't have a lot of loose change to spend, especially since you share bills.

 

So his buying you desserts and flowers occasionally doesn't make you feel special? Being your boyfriend for 6 months, doesn't mean anything to you?

 

It was a sweet gesture that your boyfriend offered to buy you an expensive Tiffany jewelry piece. What did you specifically ask him to buy you that was less expensive? If you leave it open-ended like that, of course your boyfriend will buy you something less expensive. Did he ask you what you would like?

 

I am not that material and certainly DON'T want him to spend $200 on a jewelry. But who would want a $8 mug for birthday? Something less expensive may refer to something creative but doesn't cost that much, I believe there is a lot of space in between $8 and $200? The mug is not romantic or thoughtful at all. The only merit to it is the low price. We've been dating for half a year, and this is the first time we spend my birthday together. I know I was rude by telling him I don't like it, but I was too disappointed.

 

If you are not materialistic, and don't want your boyfriend to spend $200 on jewelry, and didn't specifically tell your boyfriend what gift you'd like instead of the Tiffany jewelry, that isn't your boyfriend's fault.

 

I think you assume the $8 mug isn't romantic because it's a mug. What about the fact that it comes from your boyfriend? Maybe he was going to give you something else to go with the mug. And this mug was bought before your birthday.

 

You admit that you were rude to tell your boyfriend that you didn't like his gift. How do you expect him to feel after hearing that, when you didn't tell him what you wanted in the first place, but left the decision for your gift, up to him? Think about your boyfriend's feelings for a change. Fine, you're disappointed that your college boyfriend whose budget is limited like yours, didn't buy you an expensive birthday gift. But...you did tell him not to do that when he offered. So, you need to own that.

 

It is my birthday gift. We used the same Amazon prime account and I asked him why he bought a mug. That's how I found out accidentally. As I have mentioned, it's not romantic or thoughtful. And he didn't say anything about how it's special.

 

 

But you didn't say how he reacted when you brought up the fact that you saw the mug he ordered. What did you mean, he didn't say anything about it's specialness? If the mug is part of a larger present, why would he ruin the surprise if the mug was?

 

Yes, buying him toilet paper is cheap and thoughtful. But that mug is just cheap. Did he suggest you buying him toilet paper? Did you ask in advance? If not, why do you think I should drop suggestions about my gifts? Isn't it the surprise that counts?

 

But you didn't make a suggestion for a gift. According to you, you told your boyfriend not to buy you Tiffany jewelry that he said he wanted to buy for you. You said that you told your boyfriend just to buy you something inexpensive, but you didn't tell your boyfriend specifically what to buy you. And I think that is where you made the mistake. Relationships take two people. I think you are blaming your boyfriend when you helped create this situation by not being more specific about what you like or don't like as far as birthday gifts. If you don't tell your boyfriend "don't buy me a cheap $8 mug," then how will he know not to buy you that? No one can read your mind.

 

Oh yes I like surprises, the nice ones not the bad ones. Six months in a relationship I think I have every right not to settle for a cheap and unthoughtful gift. If that's enough to stop him giving me birthday gifts, then he is not worth dating at all.

 

If you like surprises, that's fine. Everyone likes surprises. And you do have a right not to settle for a cheap or unthoughtful gift. But you've already said that you told your boyfriend you hated the mug, so he agreed to buy you something else. And then you jump to the conclusion that your boyfriend is a cheapskate, despite the fact that he's a college student like you, living on a very limited budget. Despite the fact that he offered to buy you an expensive gift, which you rejected, then you get mad when he buys you a gift he thinks that you'll like. And you don't think that comes across as you being ungrateful?

 

I answered in another quote that we used the same Amazon prime account. I saw the order and asked him why he bought a mug.

 

Yes. You asked him. But you never answered my question as to how he reacted.

 

No there is no pattern on it. It's just a mug with pattern. If it were a cute picture mug I wouldn't have posted here complaining about the unthoughtfulness.

 

Just a mug?

 

I meant there is no picture on it.

 

Ah. So, a solid color mug. Got it.

 

When did I say I yelled to him?? Why do you assume I'm not generous with my boyfriend?? Why do you assume I'm not attentive to my boyfriend??

 

Now you are getting very personal by blaming me for stuff you are imagining. Maybe you just enjoy imagining the bad sides of people and then bashing them to feel good about yourself?? I posted here for advice not for judgement, if that's where you get pleasure from.

 

Ok. You didn't say that you yelled at your boyfriend. I guess I just assumed that you did yell at him, based on the way you posted about your situation. I assume that you are not attentive to your boyfriend because you are upset about a mug that he bought you, that you agreed you were rude about when you told him you hated it, when he agreed to buy you something else.

 

Well, I'm just expressing my opinion. I don't take pleasure from posting my opinion. I guess I'm very direct with my thoughts. I know what it feels like to receive a gift you don't like from a boyfriend. I posted about the book I got for my birthday from a former boyfriend, who knew I wanted a different book but didn't make the effort to buy it. He bought me a book he liked. We already had problems in the relationship, so him buying me a book he likes that I didn't like, helped me decide he wasn't a good boyfriend. But if that had been the only problem in our relationship, it wouldn't have upset me as much as you were about your boyfriend buying you a mug. So while it doesn't seem like I empathize with your situation. I do. But I also think the bigger picture is what's important here. Forget about the mug and look at the bigger picture here, which is the quality of the relationship that you have with your boyfriend.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Do they really have stuff at Tiffany's that costs $200???:confused: Anyway I hope you have a happy birthday OP no matter what present you get!!

[writergal]

Do they really have stuff at Tiffany's that costs $200???:confused: Anyway I hope you have a happy birthday OP no matter what present you get!!

 

Looks like it. $250 and under Tiffany's website.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

Do they really have stuff at Tiffany's that costs $200???:confused: Anyway I hope you have a happy birthday OP no matter what present you get!!

 

George Peppard got Audrey Hepburn's Cracker Jacks ring engraved there for under $20.

 

 

(What movie is this from? Anyone? Anyone?)

[Els]

Why are you expecting him to read your mind?

 

If it really matters to you WHAT you get, then suggest it when he asks. If you don't want to do that, then graciously accept whatever gift he chooses. If being cheap was a concern to you then why turn down the jewelry?

 

I mean, geez. One thing is too expensive, the other is too cheap... if I'd been your bf I wouldn't bother getting you ANY present the next time.

[fitnessfan365]

People getting hung up on the price of the mug. But her main complaint was the lack of effort. I mean I'd be EMBARRASED to give a woman in my life a mug for her birthday. Now once again people will bring up him being a college student on a lower budget. But as I've pointed out, I could come up with a $5 method of making her feel special in that instance. That's why I honestly don't think it's the money.

 

However since she hasn't had her birthday yet, maybe he'll make up for it by putting effort into what he plans for them to do.

[lollipopspot]

I agree with fitnessfan - there is a rather obvious middle ground between the too expensive gift and something a grade schooler would give their teacher for Christmas. There's such a thing as a not very expensive, yet thoughtful gift! Maybe sit down with the boyfriend and explain the kind of thing you were hoping for. Maybe he just doesn't get it. I don't know much about this, but gifts are probably one of your "love languages" as they say.

[Leigh 87]

Hahahahahahaha

 

An Irish guy who I was casually dating early this year spent 200 on a necklace two weeks after meeting me LOL

 

Gifting is important to me. It's my love language. I don't date men who split the bill. I prefer traditional men. In turn, I insist on treating them at least 3/10 times.

 

I don't need to be lavished with experience jewellery regularly though. But yeah splitting the check and getting cheap mugs for birthdays doesn't sit well with me.

[fitnessfan365]

Hahahahahahaha

 

An Irish guy who I was casually dating early this year spent 200 on a necklace two weeks after meeting me LOL

 

Gifting is important to me. It's my love language. I don't date men who split the bill. I prefer traditional men. In turn, I insist on treating them at least 3/10 times.

 

I don't need to be lavished with experience jewellery regularly though. But yeah splitting the check and getting cheap mugs for birthdays doesn't sit well with me.

 

A feminine woman that appreciates traditional gender roles but who is also generous enough not to make it one sided. If you were US based Leigh, you know that I'd have your number already.