Is my boyfriend being cheap?

[Taramere]

We split bills on everything, even on the Valentine's day. He just occasionaly bought me desserts or flowers. We are both students with scholarships and I'm not expecting him to pay for everything. But I do want to feel special and appreciated once in a while, especially on my birthday.

 

Does that have to involve a gift? I think that somebody going to the effort of cooking you a nice candlelit dinner - birthday cake included - is the really nice part of a good birthday, and that a gift is more just a little "it's your birthday" gesture than anything else. That's something that is manageable for a student on a scholarship.

 

I would be inclined to wait and see what happens on your birthday, and to be open to the possibility of him treating you in other ways (that involve a bit of thought and effort on his part). If he doesn't go to any sort of effort, and it's basically a case of "here's a cheap mug I picked up while I was at the supermarket" then yes....I'd say he's cheap. Cheap in the "doesn't invest thought and time into the relationship" rather than the "doesn't spend money on me."

 

The latter is not necessarily a big deal unless you find it difficult to measure the worth people put on you in any terms other than expensive gifts. The former is always a huge deal.

[writergal]

Yes, buying him toilet paper is cheap and thoughtful. But that mug is just cheap. Did he suggest you buying him toilet paper? Did you ask in advance? If not, why do you think I should drop suggestions about my gifts? Isn't it the surprise that counts?

 

The thing is, you don't know that the mug your boyfriend bought on Amazon is for you. Did you confront him about the mug after you saw it? Did he tell you it was for your birthday or that the mug is only part of your birthday gift? You haven't even had your birthday yet, so how do you know all he's giving you is just that mug?

 

No, my boyfriend at the time didn't know I was going to surprise him while he was away on a trip. But we had exchanged keys to our apts., so it was natural that I would want to surprise him, by replenishing his apt. with those inexpensive, practical items.

 

I think you should just let your boyfriend surprise you with gifts. I think you should drop your suggestions with him for gifts to buy you, unless you give him a SPECIFIC gift that you want. Let your boyfriend surprise you to keep the romance alive in your new relationship. Harping on him about a mug six months into the relationship isn't going to make him excited to ever shop for presents for you again.

[Haydn]

Get him embossed toilet paper. Works every time.

[Diezel]

I got a mug from someone special once... still my favorite mug.

And it's not even anything special, it just says "Like a Boss". It was our inside joke from everything (Yes, I know it's from SNL)... but the thought put into finding it for me and giving it to me meant a lot.

 

Maybe it's because I was taught to appreciate the smaller things in life.

Maybe it's because I used to be poor.

Maybe it's because I've come to appreciate company rather than the gifts that company can give me.

Maybe it's because for me, birthdays are more a celebration of the people who are in my life, rather than what they can do for me and what they can get for me.

 

Maybe I'm just alone in this line of thinking.

[Art_Critic]

I've bought more than one mug for my wife.. every Christmas she gets one .. no kidding.. but she asks for it

 

Although the best mug I ever got her had a picture of our son on it crawling in the park kids gym.. it was cute..

 

I guess the best thing that can come form this is more open communication for both of you guys...

 

Good Luck

[Pennyapple]

The thing is, you don't know that the mug your boyfriend bought on Amazon is for you. Did you confront him about the mug after you saw it? Did he tell you it was for your birthday or that the mug is only part of your birthday gift? You haven't even had your birthday yet, so how do you know all he's giving you is just that mug?

 

No, my boyfriend at the time didn't know I was going to surprise him while he was away on a trip. But we had exchanged keys to our apts., so it was natural that I would want to surprise him, by replenishing his apt. with those inexpensive, practical items.

 

I think you should just let your boyfriend surprise you with gifts. I think you should drop your suggestions with him for gifts to buy you, unless you give him a SPECIFIC gift that you want. Let your boyfriend surprise you to keep the romance alive in your new relationship. Harping on him about a mug six months into the relationship isn't going to make him excited to ever shop for presents for you again.

 

Oh yes I like surprises, the nice ones not the bad ones.

Six months in a relationship I think I have every right not to settle for a cheap and unthoughtful gift. If that's enough to stop him giving me birthday gifts, then he is not worth dating at all.

[writergal]

I got a mug from someone special once... still my favorite mug.

And it's not even anything special, it just says "Like a Boss". It was our inside joke from everything (Yes, I know it's from SNL)... but the thought put into finding it for me and giving it to me meant a lot.

 

Maybe it's because I was taught to appreciate the smaller things in life.

Maybe it's because I used to be poor.

Maybe it's because I've come to appreciate company rather than the gifts that company can give me.

Maybe it's because for me, birthdays are more a celebration of the people who are in my life, rather than what they can do for me and what they can get for me.

 

Maybe I'm just alone in this line of thinking.

 

My sister gave me a mug with my favorite photograph of her children on it (I took the photograph). I will use that mug even if I drop it and have to superglue the handle back on.

 

You're not alone in your line of thinking either.

[writergal]

Oh yes I like surprises, the nice ones not the bad ones.

Six months in a relationship I think I have every right not to settle for a cheap and unthoughtful gift. If that's enough to stop him giving me birthday gifts, then he is not worth dating at all.

 

Ah but you didn't answer my question. Did you directly ask your boyfriend if the mug he bought on Amazon was for your birthday? Or are you just making the assumption that it is?

 

If your boyfriend gives you a white mug with nothing on it, like a photograph of the two of you together printed on it, or there's no sentiment attached to it via a shared experience, or it doesn't represent an inside joke between you about something you two experienced together and it's just a mug, then that mug would qualify as a bad gift.

 

Again, did you ask your boyfriend if that mug is your birthday present? You aren't really clear about that.

[Vercetti]

Reading more of the OP posts. Stay quiet with your boyfriend on this or will get stuck in a catch 22. Even if your birthday is sour, don't make him feel bad. Here is the catch 22. In the future do you want him to do things for you out of kindness of heart...or just buy you crap so you STFU and don't bitch? Really gonna get pissy with someone that pays half the bills? Just play cards different next time.....you have a entire year of pointing out things like when go shopping with him of dropping clues of favorite things and even leading by example when his birthday rolls around.

 

Personally, I hid my wife's engagement ring in a Starbucks mug in a Starbucks bag with napkins over the top.....she got off work and told her we needed to go too dinner. Guys can be tricky, if we give you something know you don't really like...it's gonna make the thing you do seem all the better when pull it out of thin air with a OH BTW. Sometimes we even get things late. Just really, your boyfriend was thoughtful already had a idea and plan...forgive him if he took your get me something cheap seriously.

[Pennyapple]

Ah but you didn't answer my question. Did you directly ask your boyfriend if the mug he bought on Amazon was for your birthday? Or are you just making the assumption that it is?

 

If your boyfriend gives you a white mug with nothing on it, like a photograph of the two of you together printed on it, or there's no sentiment attached to it via a shared experience, or it doesn't represent an inside joke between you about something you two experienced together and it's just a mug, then that mug would qualify as a bad gift.

 

Again, did you ask your boyfriend if that mug is your birthday present? You aren't really clear about that.

 

I answered in another quote that we used the same Amazon prime account. I saw the order and asked him why he bought a mug.

[Pennyapple]

Ah but you didn't answer my question. Did you directly ask your boyfriend if the mug he bought on Amazon was for your birthday? Or are you just making the assumption that it is?

 

If your boyfriend gives you a white mug with nothing on it, like a photograph of the two of you together printed on it, or there's no sentiment attached to it via a shared experience, or it doesn't represent an inside joke between you about something you two experienced together and it's just a mug, then that mug would qualify as a bad gift.

 

Again, did you ask your boyfriend if that mug is your birthday present? You aren't really clear about that.

 

No there is no pattern on it. It's just a mug with pattern. If it were a cute picture mug I wouldn't have posted here complaining about the unthoughtfulness.

[Pennyapple]

No there is no pattern on it. It's just a mug with pattern. If it were a cute picture mug I wouldn't have posted here complaining about the unthoughtfulness.

I meant there is no picture on it.

[PogoStick]

I dated a girl who ended up with a handful of cavities when she went to the dentist (which she had avoided a few years out of fear). So I bought her an electric toothbrush

 

What I love about the story is that she wasn't upset. Instead she said she was happy because it meant I was thinking about her!

 

That attitude is so precious in my opinion. I can do without girls with gifting expectation.

Edited April 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[writergal]

I meant there is no picture on it.

 

How did your boyfriend respond to you when you asked him about the mug? He said he would shop for another gift that you liked, but you didn't write whether or not you gave him a more specific gift request. Did you? Did you tell him "buy me [this item] instead?" How did you resolve the situation?

 

You admit that you were rude to him about it? Why? What's more important? An expensive birthday gift, or a boyfriend who loves you?

[smackie9]

Everything is being blown out of the water here....it's just a gift. Have a nice birthday, eat cake, open gifts and enjoy the company of those who come around to celebrate with you.

[losangelena]

I get that you both are students, but if my BF asked if I wanted a piece of Tiffany jewelry for my b-day, I would make him put his money where his mouth is.

 

OP, what did y'all do for Christmas (or equivalent holiday) as far as gifts were concerned? I ask because, as great as it would be if all men were as thoughtful as FitnessFan, most of the time, they're not. My BF didn't even get me anything for Christmas when we'd been together for about four months, nor Valentine's Day. He felt bad both times that I had gotten him something. He did get late gifts for me for both those holidays, but for one of them, I had to explicitly tell him what I wanted, but hey, now I have a set of free weights that I never would have been able to afford on my own. My dad was the same way with my mom, always.

 

My point is, gift-giving and gift-getting are not priority for everyone. Furthermore, intuitive, thoughtful gift giving is not everyone's forte. As unromantic as it is, it sounds like you're either going to explain to your BF, in detail, how important thoughtful gifts are to you, or get used to him getting you crappy gifts if you're not willing to explicitly point out what you want him to get you.

 

Maybe this is a dealbreaker for you, and that's something to think about too. If I were you, I'd focus on the ways your BF does show his care for you.

[katiegrl]

I got a mug from someone special once... still my favorite mug.

And it's not even anything special, it just says "Like a Boss". It was our inside joke from everything (Yes, I know it's from SNL)... but the thought put into finding it for me and giving it to me meant a lot.

 

Maybe it's because I was taught to appreciate the smaller things in life.

Maybe it's because I used to be poor.

Maybe it's because I've come to appreciate company rather than the gifts that company can give me.

Maybe it's because for me, birthdays are more a celebration of the people who are in my life, rather than what they can do for me and what they can get for me.

 

Maybe I'm just alone in this line of thinking.

 

No you are not alone Diezel, I feel the exact same way!

 

Personally I would have loved the mug; not only because of who gave it, but because, hell some mugs are just awesome anyway! Some are designed with elaborate artwork that are almost too beautiful to even drink from!

 

But drink from it I would, and would think of my boyfriend every time did!

 

I agree with the others who said, damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

 

And I don't feel special because of the things my boyfriend *buys* me. I feel special by the things he *does* for me, all the little things he does that show me he cares.

 

Like browsing Amazon and looking for that *perfect* mug that he knows I would like.

 

No it is not a lot of money, but so what? It is the thought and sentiment behind the gift that counts, at least for me. I would have loved that mug, and would have kept it forever!

 

Later, when we become rich, he can buy me expensive jewelry, and we can look back at the time when money was tight and he bought me the mug. And I would still have that mug!

 

OP, why don't you wait until he at least gives it to you before announcing your displeasure and disappointment. Who knows, you may love it too!

 

Like I said, some mugs are just awesome, like a piece of artwork!

Edited April 25, 2015 by katiegrl

[Phoe]

The problem with "suggestions" though is that ruins any type of surprise. I mean where's the fun in knowing what you're going to get?

 

The way that I see it, is that people usually buy themselves what they want most of the time. So I'd rather plan activities. Like getting her a free massage, getting tickets to her favorite musician, cooking her something she loves to eat but would be too lazy to make, etc.. Also, it's a lot of fun to take a woman shopping for a sexy outfit or lingerie on occasions. It makes her feel desired by turning her man on, and it's fun to sneak into the dressing room to show her.

 

Well, sometimes suggestions really help when someone feels stumped. I'm a pretty practical person, and also really dislike having money spent on me, so if I can offer a suggestion that not only will be fun for me, but easy on someone's wallet, it's a win win.

 

For example, when my birthday and christmas come around, my parents know there's nothing I particularly want or need, so they offer to pay my truck bill during those months. Cool! Nobody had to worry about a gift, and a necessity of mine got taken care of. That's a win.

 

Last year for my birthday my ex was stumped. I told him to get us tickets to an Angels baseball game. So he did, and we went, and I had a great day. It didn't need to be a surprise!

 

So, while the element of surprise can be fun, definitely, it doesn't have to be a necessity. Gifts can be something of a useful and practical nature or an experience,and totally not a surprise, and still be greatly appreciated.

[anna121]

It's hard to know without seeing the mug. Maybe if it was from Etsy but Amazon?

 

I think he's a bit clueless and $8 is cheap IF it is spent on something generic with no particular meaning. But it is always, always rude to say you don't like a gift. I did that once to a boyfriend who gave me skates for Christmas, one of those cheap netted stockings filled with gross candy, and two Cherry Blossoms wrapped up as jokes. The memory makes me cringe now.

 

Some people can be trained in the gift department. My H wasn't great at it at first but now he is amazing. He buys me designer clothes when he goes on business trips and they are freaking nice!

 

If he wasn't great at it, I would balance it out against the other stuff he brought to the relationship. I happen to love presents, so it would be a trade-off, but it might well be worth it.

 

How is he in other ways? Thoughtful? Caring? Lets you know how much you mean to him?

[writergal]

I get that you both are students, but if my BF asked if I wanted a piece of Tiffany jewelry for my b-day, I would make him put his money where his mouth is.

 

OP, what did y'all do for Christmas (or equivalent holiday) as far as gifts were concerned? I ask because, as great as it would be if all men were as thoughtful as FitnessFan, most of the time, they're not. My BF didn't even get me anything for Christmas when we'd been together for about four months, nor Valentine's Day. He felt bad both times that I had gotten him something. He did get late gifts for me for both those holidays, but for one of them, I had to explicitly tell him what I wanted, but hey, now I have a set of free weights that I never would have been able to afford on my own. My dad was the same way with my mom, always.

 

My point is, gift-giving and gift-getting are not priority for everyone. Furthermore, intuitive, thoughtful gift giving is not everyone's forte. As unromantic as it is, it sounds like you're either going to explain to your BF, in detail, how important thoughtful gifts are to you, or get used to him getting you crappy gifts if you're not willing to explicitly point out what you want him to get you.

 

Maybe this is a dealbreaker for you, and that's something to think about too. If I were you, I'd focus on the ways your BF does show his care for you.

 

Wait. The OP and her boyfriend are college students? I must have missed that when I read her posts. That changes everything. You are both students. You share your living expenses. Already your lifestyle is frugal due to your student-status. Was he joking when he offered to buy you an expensive piece of Tiffany jewelry? How could he afford that? And why would you turn it down?

 

My whole perspective on the OP is that as a college student, she has no right to pout about a mug for a birthday gift in that respect. Plus, her boyfriend offered to buy her another gift and yet she's still mad at him. OP, I think you need to see your situation more realistically. You are both poor (assuming you are poor, maybe not, maybe you are both well off) college students. Why would you whine about him buying you a mug ahead of time for your birthday before you know what the whole surprise he had in store for you was?

[anna121]

I would LOVE it if someone detailed my car! OMG.

[writergal]

It's hard to know without seeing the mug. Maybe if it was from Etsy but Amazon?

 

I think he's a bit clueless and $8 is cheap IF it is spent on something generic with no particular meaning. But it is always, always rude to say you don't like a gift. I did that once to a boyfriend who gave me skates for Christmas, one of those cheap netted stockings filled with gross candy, and two Cherry Blossoms wrapped up as jokes. The memory makes me cringe now.

 

Some people can be trained in the gift department. My H wasn't great at it at first but now he is amazing. He buys me designer clothes when he goes on business trips and they are freaking nice!

 

If he wasn't great at it, I would balance it out against the other stuff he brought to the relationship. I happen to love presents, so it would be a trade-off, but it might well be worth it.

 

How is he in other ways? Thoughtful? Caring? Lets you know how much you mean to him?

 

And they are both in college. That puts everything about the OP's situation into perspective. If they were both in their 30s or older and he bought her a mug and nothing else, then I would wonder why kind of man he was, what kind of job he had. But being a college student already means living with a limited budget. So the mug makes total sense to me as a birthday gift, plus it was bought ahead of the OP's birthday so we nor the OP don't know what else her boyfriend had in store for her birthday as it hasn't happened yet.

 

And I agree with you that it is always rude to tell a boyfriend (or gift giver) that you don't like the gift they gave you.

[katiegrl]

Oh man, I just did a quick search on Amazon, and as I said many of the mugs are absolutely beautiful! Creative and original!

 

And NOT cheap either! Many were in excess of $200!

 

OP, you totally jumped the gun here.

[writergal]

There's some funny mugs on Amazon that are under $200.

 

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/81O%2BOsJ80OL._SL1500_.jpg

 

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/81rEh3SMtfL._SL1500_.jpg

 

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41vDyk8zWcL.jpg

[fitnessfan365]

I would LOVE it if someone detailed my car! OMG.

 

Haha.. That was just off the top of my head if I was in the position of the OP's boyfriend being basically broke. I mean showing up early to wash and wax a car, giving her a wake up call, and then singing happy birthday with a single favorite cupcake of hers as I present the car wouldn't even break a bum's bank. But the effort and originality would make her feel like a queen.

 

I'd also take her shopping for lingerie (it'd be a gift for me too. ), and cook her something she loves. Then after dinner settled, I'd give her a full body massage (as a personal trainer I am an expert in anatomy) as part of foreplay with all the sexual needs being focused on her. That is how you celebrate your woman's birthday.

Edited April 25, 2015 by fitnessfan365