Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 when I met him I was single and very happy and independent. I wasnt ready to meet anyone. He persued me. He was the first to say I love you. I never once pressured him to spend time with me. I never even thought about moving in together as I knew he had alot going on and I didnt feel we were at that stage in our relationship yet. He walked away, yet like a fool I was willing to hear him out. I got up, met him early like he asked as he was so nervous. I did my hair, got all dressed up like the fool I am only to let him stand there and make me feel like I was wrong! Wrong for wanting a serious relationship to be serious, wrong for thinking that someday in the distant future two people may have a life together. The way he said..id be expecting marriage in three years and he might not be ready so he didnt want to waste my life!
Satu Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 when I met him I was single and very happy and independent. I wasnt ready to meet anyone. He persued me. He was the first to say I love you. I never once pressured him to spend time with me. I never even thought about moving in together as I knew he had alot going on and I didnt feel we were at that stage in our relationship yet. He walked away, yet like a fool I was willing to hear him out. I got up, met him early like he asked as he was so nervous. I did my hair, got all dressed up like the fool I am only to let him stand there and make me feel like I was wrong! Wrong for wanting a serious relationship to be serious, wrong for thinking that someday in the distant future two people may have a life together. The way he said..id be expecting marriage in three years and he might not be ready so he didnt want to waste my life! The bottom line is that you got involved with someone who was essentially unavailable. That might strike you as an odd thing to say, but it's true. Go to Natalie Lue's Blog and read everything.
Itspointless Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 The bottom line is that you got involved with someone who was essentially unavailable. That might strike you as an odd thing to say, but it's true. Go to Natalie Lue's Blog and read everything. On a personal note, I am not a big fan of that website, to much hate going on there towards man. Unavailability is not something that only is found with men. hollypolly, do that test I linked to
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 The bottom line is that you got involved with someone who was essentially unavailable. That might strike you as an odd thing to say, but it's true. Go to Natalie Lue's Blog and read everything. Thank you for the link. I will read the blog and try make sense of it. Your right he is unavailable. I just wish he made the clear from the start and didnt put so much work into winning my heart and hiding how he truely felt. He has broken my heart
Satu Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Thank you for the link. I will read the blog and try make sense of it. Your right he is unavailable. I just wish he made the clear from the start and didnt put so much work into winning my heart and hiding how he truely felt. He has broken my heart Broken hearts can be mended. Believe me, I know.
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 On a personal note, I am not a big fan of that website, to much hate going on there towards man. Unavailability is not something that only is found with men. hollypolly, do that test I linked to I did that test and I was half afraid of what itd say. It says my score is low and Im not codependant but I think i might be. I do tend to put others before myself 1
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Broken hearts can be mended. Believe me, I know. Yeah I know. I just wonder how much one heart can take. I see so many bitter people and It scares me. I dont want this to scar me and ruin my future relationships. 1
Satu Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Yeah I know. I just wonder how much one heart can take. I see so many bitter people and It scares me. *I dont want this to scar me and ruin my future relationships. *That really doesn't have to happen. If you take good care of yourself, pay attention to you feelings, and are willing to learn from the experience, you'll be fine. It takes a little time, but its doable. 1
Itspointless Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I did that test and I was half afraid of what itd say. It says my score is low and Im not codependant but I think i might be. I do tend to put others before myself Do you understand the quadrants? Because low can mean very avoidant or low on self-esteem. My guess is that you are anxious, just as I am. None of the quadrants are bad perse. It is not about having a disorder, just the way we react to our primary attachment-figures. This results in a certain dynamic when coupled. 1
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) Do you understand the quadrants? Because low can mean very avoidant or low on self-esteem. My guess is that you are anxious, just as I am. None of the quadrants are bad perse. It is not about having a disorder, just the way we react to our primary attachment-figures. This results in a certain dynamic when coupled. I got low on avoidance. What does this mean? My overall score was that im secure. Edited April 28, 2015 by hollypolly
Itspointless Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I got low on avoidance. What does this mean? Being low on avoidance is a good thing. Your ex probably is high on avoidance. But you also have to look how you score on anxiety. Is your end result in left above quadrant or on the right one? http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P6wQIw_hAnI/TijlwCQna9I/AAAAAAAACSg/d0oSH0UnWJs/s320/Slide1.jpg edit: well being secure is good news
Itspointless Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I think this is an easy read about the quadrants and styles: https://cezarspace.wordpress.com/2014/02/07/attachment-styles-when-love-is-traded/
Holmes85 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 My ex dumped me after eight months together last month. It was a stupid fight that escalated and he dumped me over the phone. We were so happy, very much in love and life was good to us. He was going to counselling due to his severe anxiety which controls him so much. I tried to help him as best I could. He was afraid that in a few years Id expect marriage and it terrified him so he bolted. I went NC and after alot of texts and calls saying how sorry he was and how much he loves me and wants to fix it I gave in and met him a few days ago. He wrote me a letter pouring his heart out as to how happy he was and how great it was and he would try to fix it but while we chatted he started rambling on about marriage again and I saw the fear in his eyes. I told him it was far too soon to think of all that and could he not just live in the now. He said he was afraid that id ask him to move in (he lives with his parents) and even that terrified him. He said he prayed to his uncle asking him to help him fix it all. He never made a single effort to fix it. He cried and held me as he said goodbye. It kills me because his fears of what might be sabotaged what was such a good thing. My heart is truely broken. I know i need to burn this letter he gave me but I cant. hollypolly, Your Ex Boyfriend has used pathetic excuses to bail out of the relationship. He had his fun with you, the honeymoon period is over, now he's looking elsewhere. You are looking way too much on what he's saying and less on what he's doing, his actions are speaking louder than his words. If I were you, I would remove him from everywhere and take as much time as you need to heal, avoid contact with him, get your head together by getting out of this emotional state, once you start thinking logically you would not even want this kind of a "man" again.
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) Being low on avoidance is a good thing. Your ex probably is high on avoidance. But you also have to look how you score on anxiety. Is your end result in left above quadrant or on the right one? http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P6wQIw_hAnI/TijlwCQna9I/AAAAAAAACSg/d0oSH0UnWJs/s320/Slide1.jpg edit: well being secure is good news Its in the left upper one but i feel im more in the right upper one personally Edited April 28, 2015 by hollypolly
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 hollypolly, Your Ex Boyfriend has used pathetic excuses to bail out of the relationship. He had his fun with you, the honeymoon period is over, now he's looking elsewhere. You are looking way too much on what he's saying and less on what he's doing, his actions are speaking louder than his words. If I were you, I would remove him from everywhere and take as much time as you need to heal, avoid contact with him, get your head together by getting out of this emotional state, once you start thinking logically you would not even want this kind of a "man" again. I cut all contact a month ago when he dumoed me and let him go. He came back and begged for forgiveness and to fix it. Hes in a really bad place in his life and I may be deluded but I believe he was happy and he really loved me.
Itspointless Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Its in the left upper one but i feel im more in the right upper one personally Well that could be a temporary result due to you boyfriends avoidance. In that case it is a sign that this relationship is not a healthy one for you.
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Thanks guys. Feel like a crazy person right now and emotions go from crying to blaming myself to feeling like a fool. I know it will pass and I know deep down this was on a ticket to know-where
Cinnamonstix Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 I'm going to broach this to the general "you", not just the OP. Your attachment style can change depending on your partner. Partner's who provide a safe haven for us can make us more secure. Thus, it's important to see how the dynamic of your relationship makes you feel and act insecure. Most of the time it's not just your issue. 1
Author hollypolly Posted April 29, 2015 Author Posted April 29, 2015 Well that could be a temporary result due to you boyfriends avoidance. In that case it is a sign that this relationship is not a healthy one for you. Ive been looking at articles about codependency and this is me in a nutshell. I put everyone before myself and play to role of carer. I am a people pleaser and try to help everyone going through a hard time. Thank you so much for your suggestion. I can try to work on all of this now and try live a healthier life and look after myself more.
Itspointless Posted April 29, 2015 Posted April 29, 2015 (edited) Thanks guys. Feel like a crazy person right now and emotions go from crying to blaming myself to feeling like a fool. I know it will pass and I know deep down this was on a ticket to know-where Don't be so hard on yourself, our attachments cut deep when a primary attachment pushes us away. In our brain it resembles the situation of abandonment by our mothers when we were very little. Attachment is not only psychological, it also is chemical, so be kind to yourself and try to have patience. Having patience with yourself is one of the hardest things though Ive been looking at articles about codependency and this is me in a nutshell. I put everyone before myself and play to role of carer. I am a people pleaser and try to help everyone going through a hard time. Thank you so much for your suggestion. I can try to work on all of this now and try live a healthier life and look after myself more. Yes you can, remember knowledge is power! It might be a good idea to work on this with a therapist or a coach as you definitely are not alone being like that. And you are welcome, I just try to pass on what I have learned myself. It is so easy to confuse caring about with caring for. The credit also goes to Satu here for mentioning this particular term, a term with a very interesting origin! Edited April 29, 2015 by Itspointless
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