Satu Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 He is a child emotionally. Unless you want to be his second mother, there's nothing there for you. 1
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 I might be very wrong but I feel he did love me very much and he was happy. He told me so and I honestly felt it. I just dont understand how someone can walk away from something that makes them happy because its easier than facing your fears.
Ruby65 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 He enjoys you and the closeness and the sex, but he's not willing to leave his comfort zone to make a life with you. You deserve better. 1
Itspointless Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Hi hollypolly, what worries me about his fears is not that he has them, but that he let them run their course despite knowing that he would hurt you while doing it. If he can do this once, than unfortunately he can do this many times. That is a truth I personally found very hard to acknowledge, but that unfortunately is what it is. 1
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 I know. Thats the part that hurts so much. I put my heart and soul into this. He wrote this letter telling me how hard life has been since we split up and how much he loves me and thinks of me the minute he opens his eyes in the morning. He said he wanted to fix it and make it right as it was too soon to walk away.....yet when he spoke to me after I read it he said none if it.
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Hi hollypolly, what worries me about his fears is not that he has them, but that he let them run their course despite knowing that he would hurt you while doing it. If he can do this once, than unfortunately he can do this many times. That is a truth I personally found very hard to acknowledge, but that unfortunately is what it is. I think everyone has fears in relationships and I had my own too. Ive never met anyone in my life whos anxiety rules there life so much. He has no close friends, moved position at work to avoid the 'drama' of working with his colleagues and thinks that a couple fighting at times is 'no way to live'. I know that he is heartbroken as I am. He did this, not me. Once again his head has taken over. I will move on in time and heal I hope but I worry so much about him. He couldnt cope with life when it was uncomplicated. Now he is hurting and has walked away when I know he was happy. Im afraid for him and how this will all effect him
Ruby65 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I know. Thats the part that hurts so much. I put my heart and soul into this. He wrote this letter telling me how hard life has been since we split up and how much he loves me and thinks of me the minute he opens his eyes in the morning. He said he wanted to fix it and make it right as it was too soon to walk away.....yet when he spoke to me after I read it he said none if it. How tragic. I hope his mother made him waffles that morning to help him cope! Seriously, you need to take a broader perspective here and look at who he is and what he's doing. He's being lazy and selfish -- and he'd rather lose you than give up his cushy life situation. 1
Satu Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 *I worry so much about him. He couldnt cope with life when it was uncomplicated. Now he is hurting and has walked away when I know he was happy. Im afraid for him and how this will all effect him *This kind of thinking suggests possible Codependence.
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 How tragic. I hope his mother made him waffles that morning to help him cope! Seriously, you need to take a broader perspective here and look at who he is and what he's doing. He's being lazy and selfish -- and he'd rather lose you than give up his cushy life situation. I agree in that not once did he consider me. When I realised he had convinced me to meet him so that he could feel better about it all and not to fix it like hed said, I told him it was unfair to me and not once did he consider how it all effected me. I dont have ill feeling towards him only huge concern. Life is beyond a challenge for him and he is not coping at all. I encouraged him a few months ago to get help and he is still going since we broke up but I feel it has gotten so much worse
Itspointless Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I think everyone has fears in relationships and I had my own too. Ive never met anyone in my life whos anxiety rules there life so much. He has no close friends, moved position at work to avoid the 'drama' of working with his colleagues and thinks that a couple fighting at times is 'no way to live'. I know that he is heartbroken as I am. He did this, not me. Once again his head has taken over. I will move on in time and heal I hope but I worry so much about him. He couldnt cope with life when it was uncomplicated. Now he is hurting and has walked away when I know he was happy. Im afraid for him and how this will all effect him To be honest, this sounds like some sort of anxiety disorder. You on the other hand seem to be enrolled in a role where you seem to be taking care of him. Its a good thing to be caring, but you have to wonder why you choose him as your boyfriend. I think it might be enlightening for you to learn more about adult attachment-styles. 1
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 *This kind of thinking suggests possible Codependence. Codependence as in me depending on him or him on me?
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 To be honest, this sounds like some sort of anxiety disorder. You on the other hand seem to be enrolled in a role where you seem to be taking care of him. Its a good thing to be caring, but you have to wonder why you choose him as your boyfriend. I think it might be enlightening for you to learn more about adult attachment-styles. We were together five months before I became aware of any of this. He kept it quite well hidden from me and he told me on new years eve and I got quite scared if im honest. I only realised how serious it was in the last month of our relationship and had shared my concerns with friends and my sister.
Satu Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Codependence as in me depending on him or him on me? Your preoccupation with his mental state and behaviour indicates that you *may* be Codependent. 1
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Your preoccupation with his mental state and behaviour indicates that you *may* be Codependent. I love him and I dont want anything bad to happen to him. He doesnt want this relationship and I accept that. I want to move on with my life in time. I just worry about him after seeing how all over the place he was a few days ago.
Satu Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 If we consider you for a moment, you might be best to just go No Contact, and move on. I don't think you'll want to, but it is an option. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.
Itspointless Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I love him and I dont want anything bad to happen to him. He doesnt want this relationship and I accept that. I want to move on with my life in time. I just worry about him after seeing how all over the place he was a few days ago. Try this test: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships This can be so enlightening. and yes of-course you are worried, but at this moment it needs to be about you, not him. 1
Ruby65 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 He's been an awful boyfriend. He's treated you badly. That your primary concern is *his* emotional state..... indicates co-dependency, or maybe just denial. Sometimes we cling to the people who dump us, wrongly thinking this loyalty will get us back into the relationship. 2
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 Ive gone no contact. I cant and wont make him be with me if he doesnt want to be for whatever reason. I love him but I know what I want in life and thats not it. Im not sure how to go about all this. I regret meeting him as I feel its set me back alot. He has made me feel like I somehow made him feel pressured yet I never even spoke of moving in together. I dont know what to even learn from this experience. 1
Itspointless Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Ive gone no contact. I cant and wont make him be with me if he doesnt want to be for whatever reason. I love him but I know what I want in life and thats not it. Im not sure how to go about all this. I regret meeting him as I feel its set me back alot. He has made me feel like I somehow made him feel pressured yet I never even spoke of moving in together. I dont know what to even learn from this experience. That is why I suggest reading and learning about attachment-styles. Perhaps it gives you answers about you both. 1
Satu Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Ive gone no contact. I cant and wont make him be with me if he doesnt want to be for whatever reason. I love him but I know what I want in life and thats not it. Im not sure how to go about all this. I regret meeting him as I feel its set me back alot. He has made me feel like I somehow made him feel pressured yet I never even spoke of moving in together. *I dont know what to even learn from this experience. *One thing to learn is that you are always responsible for your own wellbeing, but not always for that of somebody else. Pay attention to yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your needs, things that make you feel good, your hopes, your fears, your dreams. Be there, with yourself. 1
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 I am in complete shock at all this. When he dumped me last month I felt sad then angry at what an ass he is. I was doing ok. Then i met him and its set me back. I cant actually believe this is happening. Im in total shock. When he said he wanted to fix it...ill be honest I felt it made more sense to me. He had recognised he was an ass and done the wrong thing. I read his letter on the day we met and it confirmed it all. Then he still ended up walking away but making me feel like I was wrong. It has messed with my head and my heart. All he ralked about was himself and tried to say he was thinking of me in all this and didnt want to waste my life on him. 1
Ruby65 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I am in complete shock at all this. When he dumped me last month I felt sad then angry at what an ass he is. I was doing ok. Then i met him and its set me back. I cant actually believe this is happening. Im in total shock. When he said he wanted to fix it...ill be honest I felt it made more sense to me. He had recognised he was an ass and done the wrong thing. I read his letter on the day we met and it confirmed it all. Then he still ended up walking away but making me feel like I was wrong. Yes... because he is an ass. It takes time to work through the denial, but you'll get there. Most important is that you give yourself some time without contact. That means, not contacting him anymore and making sure he can't contact you. Block him everywhere, online and off. You need to start working toward acceptance. Acceptance of who and what he really is, and what he's really done. You deserve better. He's a baby. Let him go. 1
Author hollypolly Posted April 28, 2015 Author Posted April 28, 2015 I am so disapointed in myself. I had a bad feeling about meeting him and I let him convince me by telling me how great we were together and how much we could learn from all this and how happy we could be. I got up, dressed up nice and showed up only to have him go through a list of reasons we cant be together. God I can actually feel a bit of anger coming now!! You guys are good! 1
Itspointless Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 I am in complete shock at all this. When he dumped me last month I felt sad then angry at what an ass he is. I was doing ok. Then i met him and its set me back. I cant actually believe this is happening. Im in total shock. When he said he wanted to fix it...ill be honest I felt it made more sense to me. He had recognised he was an ass and done the wrong thing. I read his letter on the day we met and it confirmed it all. Then he still ended up walking away but making me feel like I was wrong. It has messed with my head and my heart. All he ralked about was himself and tried to say he was thinking of me in all this and didnt want to waste my life on him. If it is a consolation, I know what it feels like when someone runs away because of fears. She also left me worrying as she had an illness (one of the stressors). It was as if the earth turned upside down, when she told me. The person I thought I knew wasn't there any-more, only the sister of Spock. 1
Satu Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) I am so disapointed in myself. I had a bad feeling about meeting him and I let him convince me by telling me how great we were together and how much we could learn from all this and how happy we could be. I got up, dressed up nice and showed up only to have him go through a list of reasons we cant be together. God I can actually feel a bit of anger coming now!! *You guys are good! You're right, we are It's good that you are now focussing on yourself and what you are feeling. You matter. Edited April 28, 2015 by Satu
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