hollypolly Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) My heart is broken. I met my now ex boyfriend 8 months ago when I wasnt looking for love and he was just perfect in every way. I didnt feel ready to be with anyone but after three months of dating casually he won we over. He told me he loved me and I felt very loved. He called me several times a day. My family loved him. We went away together in January and had a blast. we had a small arguement at xmas as he wanted me to go with him and his family to celebrate new years but I always spend it with mine. He was angry over it and broke up with my saying it wasnt normal to fight and he didnt want that in life. within an hour it was fixed and he came over and spent new years with me. he told me that at 27 im his first gf. He admitted that he felt all over the place and needed help and i encouraged him to get it. He started cbt and his therapist confirmed that its normal for a couple to fight. Things were great again. Then we had a couple (literally) of small arguements which blew up into mountains with him refusing to speak to me and storming out. We never lived together or didnt even speak of any of that. We sorted them out. i saw him about three times a week and I was ok with that as hes very busy at work and lives at home and under pressure to help out there. I started to worry when he told me that he doesnt want me getting ideas of marriage in my head. My friends are all married or engaged. I told him that we werent long enough together yet and i wouldnt expect it for a couple of years. Last weekend I was taken to his family event and paraded around being intoduced to every member of his family by him n he told me he loved me and i changed his life for the better. He was proud of me and I felt it. Everyone commented at how proud he looked in a photo. He told me a few days later he was coming over that night and at the last minute cancelled and I was annoyed as it was the only day off we had together for the next three weeks. It turned into a huge row and he wouldnt speak to me expect for a cool few texts one of which i was asked to go to a family dinner the next day. I had made plans as I thought he was working and it didnt go down well. the row escalated n he ignored me as i cried myself to sleep for the second night in a row. I text him telling him i wanted to fix it but he ignored me so i told him that if he wasnt gonna speak to me there was nothing i could do and i wished him well. He called me n told me that he didnt want to settle down and if i expected that in a couple years we would I was wrong and he didnt have time for me and that when we fight he feels like crap n he cant cope with it. It was over. I got some cold texts and missed calls from him over the next three days saying he needed to speak to me which i ignored. Then he melted my heart with a text saying he was devastated and loved me so much and please talk to him. I gave in only to have him call and coldly tell me that hes too busy in work and doesnt want to settle down. I cant stop crying. Why introduce me to the entire extended family? Why the frantic messages after he ended it only to say the same hurtful things? I know I somehow scared him off but I dont know how. Im tormented. Edited April 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs, update title and merge similar threads
Karin2rinkashi Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) This guys sounds like he is confused as ****.... He is introducing you around because he still likes you and probably wants to show you that you are special, maybe even sees marriage for a few seconds. But then it seems like he gets scared and tries to push you away. Intentional/Unintentional, idk... but, i think you need to have a talk with him. Let him know that you are done going through this hot and cold mess. You don't want that.... and if he is confused then he better take time and sort his **** out. Honestly, you don't want to waste your time with someone who is so confused about their life... and they are almost hitting 30. Time to think hard about it.... and make some decisions. Edited April 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote
Light Breeze Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 You're his first girlfriend at 27? Well, if he was without any romantic commitment for that long, then chances are he's going to hold on to his independence within an inch of his life. Honestly, I think he just got scared. I've seen this so many times before. Implement NC, heal, improve yourself, and live a damn good life. You don't need a commitment phobe if your aim is a serious relationship.
lumberjac Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 it sounds like he is emotionally unavailable. you were his first gf at the age of 27 so I wouldn't be surprise if he's still looking/learning what he want in a partner. You said you only met him 8 months ago, with 3 months of dating, so thats 5 months of relationship. and 5 months is a bit too early to talk about long term commitment future like a marriage. you, or him or both sides, might have mistaken intensity for intimacy. Compromises were made in this relationship and after 5 months, the honeymoon period has passed, he see the reality and realised you wanted more than what he is intended to give so he is now pushing you away. I think you should focus on yourself right now, leave him alone, he is confused and he needs time to figure out what he wants. 1
mightycpa Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 You're his first GF at 27? There's lots of things wrong with that. First, he doesn't know how to have a GF or a relationship. He hasn't made all of the mistakes he should have already made by now. He's making them with you. Second, he is used to doing what he wants, when he wants. That adds to your woes, because he's not going to put up with a lot of the drama he generates by not knowing how to have a girlfriend. Third, his inability to connect on that level with another person in something like 10 - 12 years will tell you something about his personality. Unless he lived in isolation during all this time, it is almost inconceivable that a normal, well-adjusted person would not have some kind of love interest experience. It could be a million things, but I guarantee, it is something about him. Tiptoe away while you have this chance, before you get sucked in for another couple years until he has his first permanent breakup. Let him have that experience now, with you. He needs to catch up to his age group.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 it sounds like he is emotionally unavailable. you were his first gf at the age of 27 so I wouldn't be surprise if he's still looking/learning what he want in a partner. You said you only met him 8 months ago, with 3 months of dating, so thats 5 months of relationship. and 5 months is a bit too early to talk about long term commitment future like a marriage. you, or him or both sides, might have mistaken intensity for intimacy. Compromises were made in this relationship and after 5 months, the honeymoon period has passed, he see the reality and realised you wanted more than what he is intended to give so he is now pushing you away. I think you should focus on yourself right now, leave him alone, he is confused and he needs time to figure out what he wants. Yep, yep, this...I thought "emotionally unavailable" right away. The hot and cold, being too busy for a relationship. All that. I'd suggest that you head over to "Baggage Reclaim", this great blog. She talks about emotionally unavailable men and how you can best understand what happened in your relationship, and what to do now. My ex was the same, and I was crazy with blaming myself and trying to figure out what I should've done differently until I headed there. It'll help you too.
Author hollypolly Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 Thanks guys. I was half afraid that everyone would tell me I did alot wrong when I posted. Its been a very rough week but I feel stronger today and I know ive to let go now and move on as difficult as it is. I dont feel like going anywhere as I cant face people asking what happened. He had met all of my family as we recently had a bereavement and they all loved him. I still cant stop going over and over it in my head. We never discussed moving in together let alone getting married and I told him only a few weeks ago that it was at least a couple years away. All he heard was 2 years....and said if i expected it in two years I was wrong. I hadnt even remembered the conversation but it seemed to stick in his head. I tried make him see how stupid this was but it was too late. Hed made up his mind and despite how happy we made each other he prefered to walk away. It hurts but I hope that some day ill find someone who loves me enough to not walk away for no good reason. Thanks for everything
Strength in Healing Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I don't think it'll be too hard to find someone above this guy. He's a joke without a punchline. 2
coryreply Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I'm sorry Holly. I know how painful it is to go through this kind of emotional roller coaster with someone. Hang in there. Given that he's still living at home, I wonder what his parent's relationship is like. I'm also wondering about his ability to relate to others. Is he an only child?
spiderowl Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 I don't know why he did what he did but he's very volatile and has problems with intimacy and commitment. This might improve as he grows older but it looks to me like these rows could easily turn violent as he's swinging one way and then the next. Unless you like continual drama, you might be best to detach yourself from this guy, no matter how hard it seems, because you are facing more and more of this. Is that the kind of future you want?
Author hollypolly Posted March 25, 2015 Author Posted March 25, 2015 I wasnt with him long enough to get to know the family dynamics. His parents dont spend much time as a couple together and his dad works alot. My ex seemed to have huge respect for his dad but very little for his mother. He seemed bitter at times towards her but does love her. Hes got older and younger siblings but seems to resent his brother for having a life away from the home. I know one day ill be glad it happened. I will see this out and I wont turn back. I got cheated on by a previous ex so I cant help but wonder where im finding these guys
Author hollypolly Posted March 27, 2015 Author Posted March 27, 2015 Its been a week now today with NC. I have lost 7ib and i feel like crap but ive stopped crying. I dont know where it all went so wrong. My family reckon he ran scared and ill never hear from him again. It hurts to hear that i can be just thrown away after bombarding me with declarations of love and ten phonecalls a day but I know its for the best. I feel like ive failed and hate facing people. If he wanted out he got out when he ended it so what was all the texts and missed calls about begging me to talk to him only to be so cold when i replied? Why am I being blamed 100% for our three fights? He told me I made him feel like ****! That hurt alot. Ive been the best I could be for him. I went to every party and night out. He always proudly told me that his friends, work colleaugues and family loved me. It just sucks.
Author hollypolly Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 Its been two weeks now since the breakup and ive kept NC. I hope my experience and this log can help me and maybe help others too. Keeping NC is painful but its the right thing to do. Its the one control I have in this situation and its helping me to accept that its over. Ive gone from ten phonecalls and dozens of texts from him a day to nothing and its an adjustment. I feel lonely and I still find myself going over it all in my head.....if only Id gone to that dinner, if id just pretended it was ok that he didnt want to bother seeing me...but I have to be true to myself as I think we all deserve to be happy. Its difficult to think that someone who loved you and was so close to you can just drop you with no regrets but thats life. I find myself on the verge on my 30th birthday and fearing that I will never find lasting Love. Ive given myself (warts and all) to a man I thought loved me only to be coldly rejected. I know this guy has his own problems and he wasnt ready for me so he let me go. That doesnt make it easy on me but It was much fairer to me than wasting years of my life. I hope that one day I will look back on this and be glad it happened. I think i may have being willing to put up with more than I should have in this relationship if he didnt walk away as I seem to always put others needs before my own and he and everyone else tells me this. I need to work on some self-love for a while and hope that there are good things waiting for me. To those of you who are reading this and broken-hearted, stay strong, look after yourself and trust that one day you will find what your heart desires.
xinaxxsdertf Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 hang in there holly. im not going to judge your ex because by the sounds of it, he was actually a good guy? just has some horrible commitment issues that sadly cannot be fixed by anyone but himself. He couldve just laughed or shaken the marriage thing off but it obviously stuck in his head and he panicked. Its good you have stuck with NC, im currently in NC at the moment. one HUGE warning i can give you, dont break the NC. do not contact him on one of your bad days. I did it, over and over... Unlike you I was weak, everytime I missed my ex, i reached out to her. Now we have been broken up for a month and a half and im still crying over her. and im only on day 6 NC atm too. Everytime you reach out to them, you have to start no contact again, and it keeps delaying the pain my pain has been delayed my distractions so badly that 2 days ago, i sat in a room by myself, listened to this new song I heard which is about missing somebody.. i sat there, listened to it and just cried. a month and a half later i finally let out some tears.. so now im in the struggle of having to be in the early stages of NC and also being at that stage where you havent seen them in so flippin long that you miss them. sorry for the long rant but hang in there. stick to NC and heal. everyone always says 'heal' but until i see myself healing, i still dont understand it lol. just got to deal with the pain front on and eventually it will have less of an affect on you i guess
SethDamien Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 (edited) I had a hard time reading after you said you had a fight because he wanted you to spend Xmas with his family instead of yours. WHAT? At 27, hes a child! immature, IMO. sorry to be blunt, but he doesn't deserve anyone with that selfishness of his. He cancels the only date you could muster for weeks? and you got mad for it? Well you have some right to be sad, but definitely not worth the aggravation. You cant see each other? big deal, you can still contact him! He needs his space and you should respect that. If you love each other, 3 weeks is a really small time frame to be spending forever with him. Getting mad WAS the mistake. not him cancelling your plans. That's my two cents. PS. give it time, if his reasons for leaving was that vain, im sure he'll come around. Edited March 30, 2015 by SethDamien
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 I guess when he introduced you to everyone in his family, he will either have had the "She is a lovely girl why don't you settle down?" and he panicked, or "She is not good enough for you son, get rid." It seems you were happily plodding along and it is him that has manufactured problems here, but I guess at 27 & only one gf, he wants to go off and have sex with other women and settling down was probably not a sensible option for him anyway. Long term this simply wasn't going to work and he probably realises that. Better split now than 5 years down the line when you then definitely want marriage and he is still putting it off. With all his other "issues" that I can see, I think you dodged a bullet.
Author hollypolly Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 Thanks SethDamien. Ouch!! I do deeply regret getting mad to be honest. It wasnt the only date i could muster. It was our only day off together for three weeks but we still made an effort to see each other at least twice a week but we both work long hours and it was just a couple hours and he would stay over. He always picked the days and I never put pressure on him as I too like my space. On my weekend off i spent the weekend attending his family events as it meant alot to him. I was asked to keep my evening free as he wanted to spend time with me and i organised my day around it so i was disapointed that he wasnt coming over and i was only told last minute as he was too tired. We had no grand date planned, just curling up together and watching a movie before heading to bed. When i said i was disapointed it lead to a huge row. I could never say anything negative without it leading to him getting mad and ignoring me. The next day I got a cold text asking me to attend a family event but id made plans as he said he was working and it added fuel to the fire. I was ignored again and dumped the next day.We were together 8 months and the three arguements came as a result of me having an opinion. I do deeply regret saying a word about it and i beat myself up over it every day but i am human and I feel disapointment and I never meant for my saying that to turn in to this.
SethDamien Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 Expectations often lead to disappointment. I get it, you organized your day in order to meet him, but he bailed out because he was 'tired'. It was bad enough he made you expect, but don't ever fall for it. whats done is done though. I know because i always fought with my ex-ex because i was too 'expecting'. I always got angry whenever she bails out or cancels plans. I realized my mistake only now. Listen to what others are saying. He has issues that he needs to fix on his own. 27 and you're his first? he has a lot to learn about relationships, and if you want to be the practice dummy (figuratively of course) and constantly be bogged down by his ineptitude, then by all means, go.
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 I could never say anything negative without it leading to him getting mad and ignoring me. ...We were together 8 months and the three arguements came as a result of me having an opinion. This is the start of the "walking on eggshells" part of emotional abuse. After a few times of him getting mad and stonewalling you, you then learn pretty quick that your opinion (if it is different from his), causes ructions, so you walk away from the relationship OR you stop voicing your opinion; you change your opinion to something you know will be agreeable to him,. You do this because you are a nice person and you do not want to cause arguments and you do not want him to get mad and stop speaking to you. Eventually as the abuse escalates, even if you agree completely with him, he will still get mad and stonewall you out of the blue, and that is when you start going crazy...
Author hollypolly Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 I was definetly walking on eggshells. I had only said it to a friend that I was afraid of the consequences of saying anything wrong as he couldnt handle it. Hes not a bad guy and all in all treated me well but I was just the wrong girl for him. I have let him go and I wont go back. I am gonna focus on building up my self-esteem. All of your support is invaluable and I thank you all so much
Author hollypolly Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 I was contacted by my ex today....again. He said he hopes Im ok and wanted to give my stuff back which I wanted one thing in particular so I replied. He proceeded to tell me how great I am and how awful this all was. I asked him not to text again and just post my stuff and let me move on. I was not nasty about it. I got a reply basically pointing out the one thing i said wrong in the arguement leading to the break-up and made me feel like crap. I replied explaining myself and feeling really crappy. Then i realised how stupid I was being so I told him how crappy it felt to be made feel cheap as if I was trying to trap him into marrying me when Id never even spoke of it and how breaking up with me over the phone was hurtful. I told him hes cruel and manipulative and I was done talking. He replied a very annoyed text and I left it at that. I feel really crap now. Even though its all through, and he is being nasty, thats not who I am and I dont like hurting people. please someone slap me!!!
Author hollypolly Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 I was contacted by my ex today....again. He said he hopes Im ok and wanted to give my stuff back which I wanted one thing in particular so I replied. He proceeded to tell me how great I am and how awful this all was. I asked him not to text again and just post my stuff and let me move on. I was not nasty about it. I got a reply basically pointing out the one thing i said wrong in the arguement leading to the break-up and made me feel like crap. I replied explaining myself and feeling really crappy. Then i realised how stupid I was being so I told him how crappy it felt to be made feel cheap as if I was trying to trap him into marrying me when Id never even spoke of it and how breaking up with me over the phone was hurtful. I told him hes cruel and manipulative and I was done talking. He replied a very annoyed text and I left it at that. I feel really crap now. Even though its all true and he is being nasty, thats not who I am and I dont like hurting people. please someone slap me!!!
Satu Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 You need to block him. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 please someone slap me!!! **Slap** Did he agree to post your thing to you? If so then no need to contact him ever again. If not, and it's something sentimental or valuable, then let him know in a totally business-like manner that you'd like your thing back. Don't get drawn into an argument, stick to the one topic of getting your thing back and ignore every other word he says. If he hasn't sent it and you can live without it then write it off and move on.
Author hollypolly Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 He said he would drop or post it over. I asked for it to be posted. I can live without it but I hope he does return it but if he doesn't then I wont follow it up. Im terrified that there will be a note or something in it. He dumped me over a phonecall and ive gotten a few messages since that day. Some nice ones and some not so nice. Just fed up of this emotional rollercoster.
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