Author PrettyEmily77 Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 Good points MP, but another possible reason for looking for signs of trouble is just simply seeing no signs of trouble. For a lot of people, that makes them feel nervous simply bc general experience has taught them that things are rarely all rainbows and fluffy clouds. (Not necessarily personal romantic failure experiences.) I think we can all find a million things that Emily could conceivably be concerned about in almost any situation, but to me, the most important thing here is that there are no obvious warning signs ("he treats me nice but he said he'd kill me if I ever saw anyone else," "he said he wants to get serious after he completes his International Space Station mission next fall," etc.), and so she should be encouraged to simply enjoy the experience first and foremost, imo. Thanks for that, Jen! Yes, life did teach me about rainbows and fluffy clouds being the stuff of dreams and I'm just not used to being so happy. Looking for the positives is what I shall be doing, and even if I fall flat on my face, at least I will have had a lovely three weeks! 1
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 Sweetie, people on rebound do not know they are and if you mention something they will deny it with all of their being. Just be aware it's a possibility and keep grounded. I would wait to meet his children, what's the rush? Children should be introduce after a good 3 months dating. Thanks for the advice, Gaeta, I really appreciate it. No plans have been made for me to meet them yet, it just got mentioned in passing. Neither are ready to make that step anyway, but we'll see how things go.
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 One day at a time and try to enjoy yourself!! 2
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 One day at a time and try to enjoy yourself!! Thanks RR! I know it's still very new but I can't help walking around with a big smile on my face
Vercetti Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 The kids are duh clearly old enough to have say where they go, 12 is the age where children are allowed influance in such. Rebound. It's a risk but what isn't. The only person that said I was rebounding with my current wife...was a bloody ex that wanted to sabotage the relationship. If you two are on the same page would be silly to think he is looking to simply fill a void with someone that disrespected him, he probably wants the opposite. Maybe the reason he seemed to deal with the divorce so mature...the relationship ended long before hammer came down. I was pragmatic with mine and thankful the mental traps were gone, it was a lawsuit played against a delusional foe; the only goal was speed and I was successful. His ex wasted enough of his time. He knows the end results of a failed relationship extremely well, yet is starting a new one potentially. Be flattered you mean more to him then 16 years of stupid bitch. His kids and knowing himself better are the only positives got out of former marriage. If really want to know where he stands. Don't ask details of marriage, ask him...what did he learn. Might just be learned wanted to be with someone like you.
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 The kids are duh clearly old enough to have say where they go, 12 is the age where children are allowed influance in such. Rebound. It's a risk but what isn't. The only person that said I was rebounding with my current wife...was a bloody ex that wanted to sabotage the relationship. If you two are on the same page would be silly to think he is looking to simply fill a void with someone that disrespected him, he probably wants the opposite. Maybe the reason he seemed to deal with the divorce so mature...the relationship ended long before hammer came down. I was pragmatic with mine and thankful the mental traps were gone, it was a lawsuit played against a delusional foe; the only goal was speed and I was successful. His ex wasted enough of his time. He knows the end results of a failed relationship extremely well, yet is starting a new one potentially. Be flattered you mean more to him then 16 years of stupid bitch. His kids and knowing himself better are the only positives got out of former marriage. If really want to know where he stands. Don't ask details of marriage, ask him...what did he learn. Might just be learned wanted to be with someone like you. I can think of worse things . Thanks Vercetti!
Vercetti Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 Do know I could be 100% wrong, I'm projecting a great deal of my experience. Yet reading over your forth date where he stated doesn't do casual flings. That says much and you already know what. He is making sure greater intimacy isn't wasted, that when the line is crossed being exclusive is understood. What happens after that, who knows...only seems a stab at a relationship is coming. 1
todreaminblue Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 I think if you dont see any problems...you shouldnt look for them and just enjoy the problem free times...problems will crop up later you can worry then...for now...enjoy yourself...and relax...face problems when they exist to be known....smilin.....best wishes...deb 2
bentleychic Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 His sons choosing to live with him could be a red flag because kids usually choose to live with whoever is letting them get away with murder. So you could be walking into a home where the kids rule the household. I would want to see that up close and personal before committing to anything. This is as far as I got so far. lol My kids choose to be with me b/c their dad is an abusive @$$. So the above is definitely not necessarily always or often the case. As to the rest of your post, I say take it slow, don't force things and see what happens. I started dating someone that sounded similar. Perfect guy, pretty much. And he really was, but ultimately, we weren't the perfect romantic match. No reason other than we really just never clicked. I wish we would have b/c he was pretty awesome. lol We're still great friends, but there's still no click. 2
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 This is as far as I got so far. lol My kids choose to be with me b/c their dad is an abusive @$$. So the above is definitely not necessarily always or often the case. As to the rest of your post, I say take it slow, don't force things and see what happens. I started dating someone that sounded similar. Perfect guy, pretty much. And he really was, but ultimately, we weren't the perfect romantic match. No reason other than we really just never clicked. I wish we would have b/c he was pretty awesome. lol We're still great friends, but there's still no click. Haha that's not from me (the OP) but from another poster! I have no idea what kind of a father he is as yet, just that he seems a really good guy, that his kids chose to live with him and that there is a definite spark. Not planning on meeting his kids just yet (it's only been 3 weeks!!) but having the most genuine fun / happy feelings I've had in a long while and looking forward to seeing where it goes . 1
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted April 26, 2015 Author Posted April 26, 2015 Do know I could be 100% wrong, I'm projecting a great deal of my experience. Yet reading over your forth date where he stated doesn't do casual flings. That says much and you already know what. He is making sure greater intimacy isn't wasted, that when the line is crossed being exclusive is understood. What happens after that, who knows...only seems a stab at a relationship is coming. Yes that's exactly the feeling I get re. greater intimacy, and we are completely on the same page for that.
fred123 Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 i wanna know something- as a girl that you are how do you know that he doesn't just like you as a friend? i do what he does with girls i like but I'm just a friend. until you have sex with him you don't know if he likes you as a friend or more 1
jen1447 Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 There are a lot of rungs on the ladder between friendship and sex. Friends don't generally talk on the phone all day, etc. 2
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted April 27, 2015 Author Posted April 27, 2015 i wanna know something- as a girl that you are how do you know that he doesn't just like you as a friend? i do what he does with girls i like but I'm just a friend. until you have sex with him you don't know if he likes you as a friend or more His body language, the way he looks at me, he gave me a couple of nice compliments, when we were cooking together yesterday there was a lot of touching and the tension was off the charts. Not ready to act on it just yet though, purely because something long-term is what I'm looking for with him and he says that's what he wants too so we're taking it one thing at a time in that regard - no pressure, just letting it flow naturally until it feels completely right.
Popsicle Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 Just enjoy the goodness. Be overexcited. It's a good thing. I wish I had a guy like you described to be overly excited about. 2
elaine567 Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 My big concern here is not about the man himself. He may turn out to be great and his cheating wife was a idiot, or he may turn out to be useless and his cheating wife was at the end of her tether. He may have moved on completely or he may hanker after his ex for the rest of time. Who knows? That is the risk everyone takes in new relationships. You pays your money and you takes your choice. But stepping into a ready made teenage family, with all the hassle teenage years can bring to any relationship, is something that needs thought about before getting in too deep. His wife may melt away into the shadows or may be a constant force in the boys lives eventually. Just now the kids are sore and "hate" their mother, they may not always be sore. They may "love" a new "mother" figure, but they may not. Whatever happens the kids I guess will be his priority. You are not just dating an individual here, is what I am trying to say. 1
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted April 27, 2015 Author Posted April 27, 2015 My big concern here is not about the man himself. He may turn out to be great and his cheating wife was a idiot, or he may turn out to be useless and his cheating wife was at the end of her tether. He may have moved on completely or he may hanker after his ex for the rest of time. Who knows? That is the risk everyone takes in new relationships. You pays your money and you takes your choice. But stepping into a ready made teenage family, with all the hassle teenage years can bring to any relationship, is something that needs thought about before getting in too deep. His wife may melt away into the shadows or may be a constant force in the boys lives eventually. Just now the kids are sore and "hate" their mother, they may not always be sore. They may "love" a new "mother" figure, but they may not. Whatever happens the kids I guess will be his priority. You are not just dating an individual here, is what I am trying to say. Thanks, elaine. That's a very good point and if I'm honest, that's what's worrying me the most even if I don't see it as a red flag. I already know his kids will always come first, and that's as it should be; at least he has the decency not to throw it in my face every other minute. I never really thought of myself as a 'step-mum' figure, especially as I'm not even a mother and have no experience with teenagers at all! I have a niece and she is adorable and I love spending time with her but she's only 3, so not a teenager yet! We haven't really talked about his kids or his ex much but I know she doesn't live too far and still has some kind of input in the kids' life; again, as it should be. That's something we will have to discuss as we get to know each other better but yeah, the role he wants me to have in his kids' life and how or even if they're going to take to me could bring issues, I'm aware of that; I'd try my best to fit in and find my place in whatever set-up they already have and see if it all gels I guess, but I don't really want to stop seeing him just because he has teenagers and I hope they'll be okay with their father having someone new in all their lives.
elaine567 Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 Thanks, elaine. That's a very good point and if I'm honest, that's what's worrying me the most even if I don't see it as a red flag. I don't think it should be seen as a red flag either. Life is complicated, many people have dependants and responsibilities and it can work out very well. However, it cannot be seen as a sweep under the carpet issue or glossed over, and I am glad it is foremost in your mind here. As you have already agreed this is leading to "serious". Do you want your own kids? Does he want more kids? I know this is all new, but those things need discussed pretty soon, else a lot of time can be wasted and hearts can be broken over assumptions.
Author PrettyEmily77 Posted April 27, 2015 Author Posted April 27, 2015 As you have already agreed this is leading to "serious". Do you want your own kids? Does he want more kids? I know this is all new, but those things need discussed pretty soon, else a lot of time can be wasted and hearts can be broken over assumptions. Also a good point. We broached the subject yesterday because he wanted to know why I have no kids at my age (I'm 38), which I understand because I'm being asked a lot. I told him the truth, which is that I wanted to focus on my career first, and when I was in a better position to have kids I was in a relationship for 6 years with someone who didn't want any. I also told him I had an abortion when I was younger (worst thing I've ever had to do, I still think about it from time to time and still feel very guilty about it). I thought he'd run a mile but I explained the circumstances and he seemed very understanding and empathetic, and it didn't put him off, which is a relief. I told him all this had made me think that being a mother was not meant to be for me, but that it's not completely out of the question. He just said he'd always wanted a girl and something about nothing ever being too late, so I guess that leaves the door open to possibilities should we get to that stage but yeah, it's way too early to be thinking about these things - just getting excited about Wednesday's date for now!
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