pizzanova Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Just curious to know what you think of your boyfriend/girlfriend's opposite sex friends in general. I have a lot of guy friends, and some have girlfriends. Most of the time the girlfriends blend in with our group of friends, so I end up being friends with them (so they don't view me as a threat to their relationship AT ALL..as far as I know). But I often wonder if there's an unspoken rule when it comes to this. There's one guy in particular who I'm close with, and I talk to him more often than his guy friends. But I've been curtailing how often I call him and how much attention I give him when we see each other socially, because I feel bad for his girlfriend. She's really nice, but I know that if I had a boyfriend who was close to a girl, he wouldnt hear the end of it. I'd hope that I'm not stirring up any resentment in her...
Merin Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Hmmm.. Well honestly My BF doesn't have any close female friends.. BUT if he did have.. I guess it would be all okay with me as long as she didn't think for a minute she was going to be anything more with him then friends.
ollydolly Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Just be yourself - if someone's girlfriend doesn't like it, she'll have to find the guts to communciate with you about it.
Author pizzanova Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 Originally posted by ollydolly Just be yourself - if someone's girlfriend doesn't like it, she'll have to find the guts to communciate with you about it. True..but I just hope that never happens to me, cuz my intentions are good (and I HATE confrontations)...I'm not out to spoil anyone's relationship
ollydolly Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I wouldn't like it happening to me either but I'd rather them say something than seethe underneath - and bitch to the boyfriend about it. I have a friend (aquaintance - wotever) who turned up at my boyfriend's house on his birthday with a bottle of wine (she is a single mum) - my b/f and I were having troubles at the time and I had moved into an apartment up the road, things were a bit strained but we were trying to hold it together from another angle. My b/f (wisely) turned her down and sent her up to me instead. When she told me she had just been to his place to have a "drink" with him on his birthday, I was really uncomfortable about it - they barely knew eachother! I said outright to her that I didn't like it one bit. She was offended, of course, and gave me the "just friends" line bla bla bla. Things between her and I have been pretty tense since but too bad. She was called on her inappropriateness and didn't like it. She was a woman who had a **** load of friends - but I know for a fact was starved of decent male company. But because she conducts herself in a skanky fashion, she only had skanky guys around her to choose from. There is a way to do things and a way not to. A girl's (even struggling) paradise is sacred to her and in that context she is queen. When I am around other women's men I give the women the same royal courtesy and if I want time with her man, I'll ask her permission or at least ask if she minds. If she is honest enough to say that she does mind, I respect her for it and she doesn't have to give me a reason. But because she has been given the basic courtesy she deserves, she usually won't have a problem sharing her man with me in friendship. My friend, on the other hand, barged on in assuming that because she was my friend, she automatically was entitled to share wine with my man without me even being in the picture. I have always held her at arm's length because of that. She knows why.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Olly has some good points- My BF has two female friends that he went to college with. The two women are not friends with each other. They all went through relationship woes and divorces that they helped each other with. He's told me point blank that the two women were the only thing besides his son that kept him going after his wife left him for another man. They have history. Neither of these women are married right now, but they are not calling him on a daily or even weekly basis. They check in every couple of months and catch up. I wouldn't have a problem with him having dinner with them or anything like that. They know about me and know it's serious with us. He has this other friend that used to call him quite a bit. She called and invited him to a Christmas party and he declined because he was busy with me. Then she called and asked him to go out with her and her best friend and her boyfriend at New Years. He told her that he didn't think it was a good idea. He wanted to make sure that she knew that they were only friends and he told her that he didn't think it would look respectful to me to hang out on what would look like to others as a double date. He told her he wouldn't want me to get the wrong idea about their relationship. She hasn't called back. To me, it's different if there has never been any romantic involvement on either end. I wouldn't have a problem with him hanging out with the first two but with the last two- he said he got a funny feeling when she asked him that she was trying to change their relationship and he was uncomfortable- so I probably wouldn't want him to go with her somewhere.
laRubiaBonita Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 i am jealous of my bf's girl friends. they are from his work, are mostly attractive, and he goes places with the group of work folks that he would not go with me, like hanging out at a bar....he normally would hate that. supposedly they are in relationships. But i get sick of hearing about their stupid work problems from him, about them and usually cause these girls are sub-par employees, which he also admits.
MadDog Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita i am jealous of my bf's girl friends. they are from his work, are mostly attractive, and he goes places with the group of work folks that he would not go with me, like hanging out at a bar....he normally would hate that. supposedly they are in relationships. But i get sick of hearing about their stupid work problems from him, about them and usually cause these girls are sub-par employees, which he also admits. Our of curiousity, what relevance does it have whether his friends are attractive or not?
ollydolly Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 Originally posted by MadDog Our of curiousity, what relevance does it have whether his friends are attractive or not? Um... because men are usually attracted to women who are attractive. And (most) women don't like it when their men are attracted to other attractive women besides ourselves, we are very sensitive creatures you know - and we get our feelings hurt very easily, oh, and we are just as competitve as men, scary huh? Sorry Pizza - just had to.
MadDog Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 Originally posted by ollydolly Um... because men are usually attracted to women who are attractive. And (most) women don't like it when their men are attracted to other attractive women besides ourselves, we are very sensitive creatures you know - and we get our feelings hurt very easily, oh, and we are just as competitve as men, scary huh? Sorry Pizza - just had to. So according to you ladies, your boyfriends can only have ugly friends? Sounds like a little insecurity to me. . .
ollydolly Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 Originally posted by MadDog So according to you ladies, your boyfriends can only have ugly friends? Sounds like a little insecurity to me. . . If we didn't have insecurities we would not be human - and yes, ugly is better than beautiful when it comes to females your fella is hanging out with!
sarah12 Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 If we didn't have insecurities we would not be human - and yes, ugly is better than beautiful when it comes to females your fella is hanging out with! Are you serious? I've never had a problem with female friends of boyfriends. I guess this is why our guy friends' girlfriends all hate us beacuse we are all attractive AND successful/smart women. It's unfortunate that the guys' girlfriends fail to realize that they problem usually lies within each of their relationships, rather than with the female friends. Although I agree that friendships of the opposite sex should only go so far, I don't think that girlfriends/boyfriends should be jealous if there was trust in the relationship. I also agree with whoever said that they tried to befriend the girlfriends so that the girlfriend would be assured that she wasn't after her man. However in my case, the girlfriends never come out, either because the guys never invite them or they choose not to come. A question to the guys, why do our guy friends hardly ever mention their girlfriends, it's almost as if their girlfriends don't exist???
Marshbear Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 A question to the guys, why do our guy friends hardly ever mention their girlfriends, it's almost as if their girlfriends don't exist??? I can't speak for all guys but I would say that if a guy is a friend he doesn't talk about relationships with is friends. He usually only talks about relationships with his GF. So if a guy friend of yours wants to talk about relationships with you he might be interested in you as a GF....
Mz. Pixie Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 Yeah, guys don't really dish to their buds about relationships............and if they are hanging out with their buds they usually don't want their gf's tagging along. Sarah, are you trying to say that we're insecure because you're so much more attractive and intelligent than we are?? I hardly think that's the case. Everyone has some type of insecurities deep down inside- whether it's about the size of your nose or the fact that you're teeth are TOO perfect- unless your ego is unbelievable. Bottom line, I think it's disrespectful when a guy wants to hang with a girl he's either had a relationship with or who wants to have a relationship with him. Why should he if he has a gf- unless he wants a ego boost?
faux Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 My girlfriend has a few guy friends; they're all pretty nice people. Aside from that, I don't really think much about any of it.
billybadass36 Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 My fiancee has some guy friends. Two of them she had past relationships with (like a LONG time ago). We don't see them often, and she doesn't talk to them much. Going to one of these ex's show tomorrow night. He's a singer in a band (yippee). It'll be my first time meeting the guy. He's got a long term girlfriend and a baby, so I'm totally not threatened, but I'm sort of in "strut my stuff" mode because I want my fiancee to be sure she's done much, MUCH better with me than him. Anyway: to answer the OP's query - it sucks but people (even those in relationships) have friends. Sometimes those friends are of the opposite sex. Because by and large persons of one sex are attracted to persons of the opposite sex. If everyone's grown up about the situation, it can be just fine. I don't have many female friends, but if I did and if my gal wasn't comfortable with it, I'd make damn sure I didn't do anything to make her feel uneasy about it b/c she comes first.
HokeyReligions Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Even way back when we were dating it never bothered me. If he left me for one of them I would have been heartbroken, but well shut of him and with no regrets. If one of them ever made a play for him I trust him to stop it and distance himself from the woman. He knows what is right and what is wrong in a relationship, as do I. We also trust each other. I am not jealous of the women friends he has now either and he is not jealous of my male friends. When we were dating I was working with my SIL and mom at a small company. My SIL had been there a while and she knew the people. There was one really slutty woman - the receptionist, who was an absolute whore (drugs, beatings, prostitution--she had a pimp, etc.) and when hubby and I were dating I said he was going to come up to the office to pick me up for lunch. My SIL was alarmed and suggested that I tell him NOT to come up there because Charey (the receptionist) would try to seduce him because she tries that with every man. My response was -- if she succeeds she can have him -- I don't want anyone who would treat me that way.
sarah12 Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Sarah, are you trying to say that we're insecure because you're so much more attractive and intelligent than we are?? I'm saying that girls in general get insecure easily and much more so when they know that a girl is attractive or intelligent, however I don't think you would be insecure if there is trust in your relationship with your SO. A lot of the time, people like to blame problems in their own relationship on a third party without looking into their own relationship and seeing that there probably are some issues within it if your SO isn't keeping you happy. HR said it best: Even way back when we were dating it never bothered me. If he left me for one of them I would have been heartbroken, but well shut of him and with no regrets. If one of them ever made a play for him I trust him to stop it and distance himself from the woman. He knows what is right and what is wrong in a relationship, as do I. We also trust each other. I am not jealous of the women friends he has now either and he is not jealous of my male friends. This is exactly my view on the issue - you couldn't have said it better.
lindya Posted April 21, 2005 Posted April 21, 2005 Occasionally you will get the "secretly or not so secretly in love with him" friend who's either blatantly hostile, or latches onto you in an attempt to find out what particular quality you have that most attracts the guy. That way they can either emulate the quality or set about down-grading it in his eyes. Sometimes, though, a guy's female friends can turn out to be the best thing about him.
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