The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread

[jimbo]

My brother in law has been my sis & family provider since they married 30y ago. I think it comes down to how a man feels about it. It doesn't seem to bother him in the least. I don't think they ever even talked about it. Why does it bother some men so much and doesn't bother others, I wonder? Is it due to how much money they have, or is it something else?

 

If it's something else ("I'm not her ATM") - I see it as lack of generosity and I'd prefer not to be with a man like this. No matter how much money my partner has, I'd probably still work as I need intellectual stimulation. But I'd personally avoid a stingy partner.

 

That is certainly fine for you, your sister and BIL. Relationships 30 + years ago are a bit different than now. However, if a guy dating a women and pays for everything, what's in it for him? What does she bring to the table? Is he paying for your time and company? Has society brought relationships down to where a man has to prove himself with spending $$$?

 

I highly doubt when your BIL and sister were dating, a date costed him $50 - $100 bucks. In addition, your BIL and sister are married. That's a bit different than the first three months of dating. I believe a few pages back I went into this as well. Marriage is different than dating. If two people are married and they jointly agree on certain roles, that's fine. However, I am talking about first dating, not LTRs or marriages yet. Completely different game. It's apples and oranges.

[jay1983]

You provided one possible reason yourself. Some men don't want to be with a stingy partner.

 

Turned that right back around.

[jimbo]

You provided one possible reason yourself. Some men don't want to be with a stingy partner.

 

Agreed. If both people work, I do not see the problem of switching off or splitting expenses for activities. Doesn't have to be equal, just that both people have skin in the game. Again, it is fine that a woman (or man) has their partner pay for everything; it's just not very doable in a HCOL area. The partner receiving all the free events and food should realize this and chip in.

 

I actually offered her to come with me to an event a month ago in AC. I told her I am staying at the Holiday Inn. She actually said, I will not stay at a Holiday Inn. I said, why? When I go on vacation, it's only the best of the best hotels. I was bewildered to say the least. I even said, my treat.

[lovephule]

I partially agree. However, if a man pays for 100% of the outings, and the woman pays for zero.. What is the man getting out of this arrangement? A kiss and a thanks babe?

 

I must be missing something. Please do not get this misconstrued as two people who are significant others or married. Then, as I explained to this one, everything goes into one main pot, and each would have the same size blow money fund. Therefore, this wouldn't be an issue. During dating this is an issue.

 

Sometimes you're betting for value, sometimes you're betting for information.

 

The men I have known that deeply enjoy paying are not dating randoms who happen to look good. If you (general you) have to ask wiinfm, then your selection process needs tweaking.

 

This assumes that one is dating with the intent of finding a life partner. If the primary objective is to bang hot chicks first, then bemoan their lack of long-term suitability, weeell...

[some_username1]

Turned that right back around.

 

A perfect example of how solipsistic some women are these days.

 

With total respect to EdgyGirl she judges men on standards it seems she does not hold herself to. A man can be stingy for not paying for dates, but a woman can't? It amazes me that people can lack such self awareness.

 

It all comes down to demanding more from a partner than you bring to the table yourself and that is not a good look for either gender.

[carhill]

That reality underscores the accepted hypocritical and discriminatory nature of mating. The only relevant consequences are a denial of association. For some, that's nothing, ergo....

 

Heard often over the decades ....'Thanks for paying for dinner, carhill, that was nice'

[Maggie4]

I didn't read the whole thread. I read the OP and I think it shouldn't matter how much money she makes. That's not relevant. If it is relevant to you, and you'd feel ok paying if she's destitute, then you'd be treating poor women better than rich ones. That wouldn't be right.

[Grey40]

People make way too big a deal about this stuff. Paying is the gentleman thing to do, just don’t it EVERY single time. A women that likes and respects you will also offer to pay usually on the second date if not on the first anyways. Ones that don’t sometimes are looking for a free meal and that’s it. So just tread lightly.

[SunnySide0418]

What happened to men being men and paying for dates?

How can you feel like a man letting your girl pay??? I don't get it.

[jimbo]

If the primary objective is to bang hot chicks first, then bemoan their lack of long-term suitability, weeell...

 

Guess you've not read my posts, as this doesn't pertain to me.

[jimbo]

What happened to men being men and paying for dates?

How can you feel like a man letting your girl pay??? I don't get it.

 

Since when does the size of a person's wallet determine if he's a man or not? Last time I checked, women are human too and earn a living. So you feel, if both people earn the same amount of money, then man should pay every single time?

 

Wow.

[jimbo]

People make way too big a deal about this stuff. Paying is the gentleman thing to do, just don’t it EVERY single time. A women that likes and respects you will also offer to pay usually on the second date if not on the first anyways. Ones that don’t sometimes are looking for a free meal and that’s it. So just tread lightly.

 

That was all I was saying. I have no problem switching off or paying for the dinner, she pays for drinks or the event (or vice-versa).

 

Nobody likes to feel like they've been taken advantage of. There are millions of women that will go out with men just for the free drinks and meal. I know and I've experienced it myself many of times.

 

It should be somewhat fair. Doesn't have to be 50/50, but somewhat fair. Makes little sense for a man to pay for all the dates, all the travel, all the events, all the hotel stays, etc.

 

I do not understand how some women expect equality, but do not support equality when the shoe is on the other foot. There is a word for that... It's called a hypocrite.

[jimbo]

I didn't read the whole thread. I read the OP and I think it shouldn't matter how much money she makes. That's not relevant. If it is relevant to you, and you'd feel ok paying if she's destitute, then you'd be treating poor women better than rich ones. That wouldn't be right.

 

You should read the whole thread. It gives more insight. However, I treat all the same. Whether a person makes a million dollars a year or 1 dollar a year, they are treated the same. Not looking for a meal ticket, but on the other hand , not looking to be used as one either.

[elaine567]

Part of the problem is that on OLD many men are actually pitching above their weight.

They are wining and dining multiple women frequently, due to how OLD works and basically they cannot afford it.

Instead of being realistic and dating a suitable woman in their own demographic, they are trying to impress "hotties" with money.

When the women they date turn around and want more and more, they start getting annoyed, and frustrated, as they know they have almost reached their financial limit.

Suddenly it is all about those horrible women "everywhere" who will not pay their share...

 

Women who will not pay their share are not "everywhere", but they are pretty common when specifically selected...

[Shining One]

Women who will not pay their share are not "everywhere", but they are pretty common when specifically selected...

I've asked this question in the past, but perhaps you know the answer. How does one prescreen for this? What do you look for on a woman's OLD profile? I already know that one should filter out women who label themselves as "traditional", but that alone is not enough.

[jimbo]

Part of the problem is that on OLD many men are actually pitching above their weight.

They are wining and dining multiple women frequently, due to how OLD works and basically they cannot afford it.

Instead of being realistic and dating a suitable woman in their own demographic, they are trying to impress "hotties" with money.

When the women they date turn around and want more and more, they start getting annoyed, and frustrated, as they know they have almost reached their financial limit.

Suddenly it is all about those horrible women "everywhere" who will not pay their share...

 

Never did that, so I cannot comment. Again, it's not a money issue. It is about common decency and respect.

 

If you were dating a guy you really liked, head over heels for, but there is only one issue, you are paying for everything. When you get a bite to eat, you pay for both of you. He tells you, hey babe, I'll get the next one, but never does. You go on trips, but he doesn't chip in. You'd rather stay at a mid-tier hotel, but he will only stay at 5 star hotels. Again, refuses to pay a penny of the hotel stay.

 

You wouldn't feel the slightest bit used or taken advantage of or resentful?

 

Not sure why this is so hard to comprehend. When two people are in a relationship, union or marriage, they are a team. The above-mentioned situation is not a team mentality, it is an entitlement mentality.

 

Just to be clear elaine567, I am not saying you are, I am just using the above-mentioned as an example.

[jimbo]

Also, this is not just limited to "hotties" as Elaine put it, it's gone through to many types of women. I've seen this entitlement from all ranges. I am not Don Juan, nor do I judge women on just their looks. Yes, I have to be attracted to them, however, if we have nothing in common, it's a mute point.

[jay1983]

I've asked this question in the past, but perhaps you know the answer. How does one prescreen for this? What do you look for on a woman's OLD profile? I already know that one should filter out women who label themselves as "traditional", but that alone is not enough.

 

The really hot ones. They've been catered to their whole life by men trying to lock them down. they've gotten used to it.

 

It's not just dating, it's just about any venue or setting. When I used to run a studio, some of the requests I got just weren't doable. You tell em no and they don't understand the meaning. It's like they've never been told no in their life.

[elaine567]

 

Just to be clear elaine567, I am not saying you are, I am just using the above-mentioned as an example.

 

Stupidly... I have always been one of the "pay my share" group, I believe in equality...

Maybe I just need to sit back and lap up all the goodies instead...

[jimbo]

Stupidly... I have always been one of the "pay my share" group, I believe in equality...

Maybe I just need to sit back and lap up all the goodies instead...

 

I did state, excluding you...

[jimbo]

The really hot ones. They've been catered to their whole life by men trying to lock them down. they've gotten used to it.

 

It's not just dating, it's just about any venue or setting. When I used to run a studio, some of the requests I got just weren't doable. You tell em no and they don't understand the meaning. It's like they've never been told no in their life.

 

You know what they say... A fool and his money are soon parted. Hence, why I never make money the reason to date me. Yea, I may have a nice home and such, however, are you dating me or are you dating my resources? That is the question. I keep each date low key and affordable for both.

[lovephule]

Guess you've not read my posts, as this doesn't pertain to me.

 

Oh, I have read your posts-- at least those in this thread. The sentence you quoted makes sense for the context in which it was written. I'll revisit the concept and add a dimension: there are men who pay all the time, every time and think they are getting the better end of the deal. In many cases, they are.

[Shining One]

there are men who pay all the time, every time and think they are getting the better end of the deal. In many cases, they are.

Can you provide a detailed example? As someone who has never experienced this, I want to know what it looks like.

[Shining One]

Stupidly... I have always been one of the "pay my share" group, I believe in equality...

While some will disagree with me, I don't think it's stupid to choose an honorable path as you have done.

[Ruby Slippers]

What happened to men being men and paying for dates?

How can you feel like a man letting your girl pay??? I don't get it.

The amazing power of social engineering.

 

I fell for it myself in my 20s, when I insisted on splitting all dating costs. Eventually I grew out of the brainwashing and let nature take its course.