Gary S Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 Wait........... You only had 2 dates? - ----------------------------------lol! 1
frankiesaysrelax Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 Well that is hardly fair. Could you ever imagine yourself marrying someone after ONE date? I certainly cannot. It's absolute madness. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone, so soon. I also wouldn't discount him as 'the one' purely on this. He did say 'don't freak out' which indicates he knows its too soon. I don't think he is ready to get down on one knee. He did not ask for marriage after one date. Did he pull out the ring and get on one knee? He stated his goals and intentions and it's likely he did it because he feels comfortable getting his goals out early on. Maybe he waited in other relationships and it blew up in his face. You never know. Talking is the only way to resolve it and if you decide not to give him a chance because of what a bunch of 40+ life-long single people say on an internet forum, you're gonna have a bad time...mkay?
Author Elle1975 Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 Wait........... You only had 2 dates? Yes. Granted, I'm not a stranger. I know his cousin probably talked about me, and like I said, I talked to him on a few occasions during family/friends gatherings.
Author Elle1975 Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 Well that is hardly fair. Could you ever imagine yourself marrying someone after ONE date? I certainly cannot. It's absolute madness. It's a lot of pressure to put on someone, so soon. I also wouldn't discount him as 'the one' purely on this. He did say 'don't freak out' which indicates he knows its too soon. I don't think he is ready to get down on one knee. True, he did say don't freak out. I can imagine someone telling me "Ellie, don't freak out, but there's shark behind you" That's how I felt when he said it lol I'm going to chill too. 1
Gaeta Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 Yes. Granted, I'm not a stranger. I know his cousin probably talked about me, and like I said, I talked to him on a few occasions during family/friends gatherings. I think I was mislead by the BF in the title. I was under the impression you had been dating at least for a few weeks, a couple of months. So, you had 2 dates and you are gf-bf? How did that come about? He knows of you and vice versa but it's not long enough to be saying things like that. Is he coming out of a relationship by any chance?
guest569 Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 He did not ask for marriage after one date. Did he pull out the ring and get on one knee? He stated his goals and intentions and it's likely he did it because he feels comfortable getting his goals out early on. Maybe he waited in other relationships and it blew up in his face. You never know. Talking is the only way to resolve it and if you decide not to give him a chance because of what a bunch of 40+ life-long single people say on an internet forum, you're gonna have a bad time...mkay? 'Work through your problems' well, Elle has been on 2 dates with someone and has no obligation to work through anything. What I asked was whether you can see yourself marrying someone after 1 date, which is what he did. Mentioned he could see them moving in together and talked about marriage down the road. That is FAST. Are you denying that? Relax indeed. 2
Author Elle1975 Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 I think I was mislead by the BF in the title. I was under the impression you had been dating at least for a few weeks, a couple of months. So, you had 2 dates and you are gf-bf? How did that come about? He knows of you and vice versa but it's not long enough to be saying things like that. Is he coming out of a relationship by any chance? He's coming out of a rebound (what I see as a rebound, even though he says he doesn't do rebounds). Before that he was with someone for a year, and ended things. He's 47 btw.
Gaeta Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 He's coming out of a rebound (what I see as a rebound, even though he says he doesn't do rebounds). Before that he was with someone for a year, and ended things. He's 47 btw. So at 47 does he have a collection of short term relationships or he has been married or had a long term relationship at some point?
Author Elle1975 Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 He was married twice. Once very young, and a second time after that.
Gaeta Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 He was married twice. Once very young, and a second time after that. But were they long relationships? See if at 47 he never had a long term relationship I wouldn't put all my money on this guy. Even though he is a good guy and a lot of people can vouch for him, that does not make him relationship material. It would also explain why he gets so emotionally involved so fast, he runs on adrenaline, he enjoys the rush of a new relationship and doesn't wait to develop deeper feelings.
Author Elle1975 Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 But were they long relationships? See if at 47 he never had a long term relationship I wouldn't put all my money on this guy. Even though he is a good guy and a lot of people can vouch for him, that does not make him relationship material. It would also explain why he gets so emotionally involved so fast, he runs on adrenaline, he enjoys the rush of a new relationship and doesn't wait to develop deeper feelings. You mean beside his 2 marriages? Mmh I don't know his dating history that well, beside the last official gf and the rebound. He mentioned being heartbroken after his divorce, and single for years. I can understand that though, since she cheated.
katiegrl Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 2nd date huh. It does happen a lot, it's not uncommon. Just have a conversation, put up boundaries... you can say the word "no", right?! See if you can date him for awhile to see where it goes. I guess if he won;t slow down and it turns you off too much, you'll walk. Hey look at the bright side... **at least you don't have to worry about rejection if he's the one coming on strong.*** Perhaps you can see the advantage of this. Not necessarily. Guys who come "on" that fast are notorious for turning "off" just as fast!! I wouldn't trust a guy like that ... he doesn't even know you for chrissakes! He loves the "idea" of you.....he's in love with a fantasy. As soon as reality hits, he's off and running to his next fantasy. No need to "discuss" this with him, just dump him...he's bad news.
Gary S Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 Not necessarily. Guys who come "on" that fast are notorious for turning "off" just as fast!! . - That's entirely possible! Op, how do you know he's on the rebound? How long was his "long" relationship before the latest 1 year one, and how long did that longer relationship last? I might be able to give you some good information.
joseb Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 You mean beside his 2 marriages? How long were his marriages?
guest569 Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 Not necessarily. Guys who come "on" that fast are notorious for turning "off" just as fast!! That's been my experience too, I'm wary of these fast movers.
Gaeta Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 You mean beside his 2 marriages? Mmh I don't know his dating history that well, beside the last official gf and the rebound. He mentioned being heartbroken after his divorce, and single for years. I can understand that though, since she cheated. How long were his marriages?
Mjm1014 Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 Op I was going to write you and say "you must not be that into him" then I scrolled down and saw he said that on a second date...all I can say is LOL!!! In all seriousness I would freak out too...
GemmaUK Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 I would talk to him and also gauge a few other things - which is particularly hard when you are only two dates in!! Things I would be looking for are: How does he speak of his ex's? Does he call them names or say they were all crazy/psycho/evil. As in, no matter what happened then he takes his share of responsibility for the relationship break down? Does he take responsibility for other bad things that happened in his life? If he lost a job or something does he take responsibility for his own actions that led to that? Is he jealous at all? Is he possessive? Does he seem to think that all of your time/free time should be you talking to him/texting him? If I were to see 2 or 3 of those things then I would run! Those are all early warning signs of a controller/manipulator/abuser and major red flags when you have a combination of a few of them. If you have all of these signs then end it now. It will only get worse. Listen to your gut, don't ignore it. Act on it. 1
elaine567 Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 I have a feeling because he knows you, he already has made his mind up where he sees this going and has forgotten that he doesn't really know you in the dating sense. He may have had a crush on you for years and is just getting a bit carried away... OR he maybe he is just generally saying stuff about how he sees relationships progressing and is not assuming THIS relationship will go that way. In the same way another man may say "I just want to take things really slow", or "I am just looking for something casual". He is maybe saying he simply doesn't want to mess around and he wants the whole hog. He may just be laying out his stall, as he doesn't want to waste time with someone who just wants a friend or a FWB. At 47, he probably knows exactly what he wants and at 40 you probably do too, so what is the point of coasting along, if you don't really want what he wants eventually. OR more deviously, he sees you at 40 as somewhat desperate for love, and he knows the carrot of "serious" may swing it for him.
Author Elle1975 Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 First one was just a few years. The second one I'd say 8 years? Like I said, I know of his marriages, but didn't ask how long. I should have (I will). I do want to get married, settle down, etc.. but not in a desperate kind of way. I am independent. I have friends, a life, etc.. I finally am in a point in my life where I feel balanced. I'd like to add a special someone, but not to be the center of my life in a needy kind of way. I'll talk to him. I think he deserves a chance to hear what's going through my mind, rather than just dismiss him and run. He knows what he wants, yes. He has friends, a very good situation, and he wants someone in his life. I just wish he hadn't put so much pressure so early on by mentioning a future with me specifically.
Els Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 If he talked about it in an abstract manner - that he's a marriage kind of guy, or he likes children, or whatever... I'd say eh, fine. Probably a little over the top for the 2nd date but I wouldn't necessarily say you should bail. But he 'plans to move in with you in a few months time'... on the 2nd date!!! That's ridiculously excessive. I would seriously question the mental stability of someone who's making plans to move in when they barely know you. Talk to him about this by all means if you want to, but be cautious and listen to your gut. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 Hello, I am dating a man that I have known for a few years. I like him, but thing is, he's going WAY too fast. Not with the sex, we haven't been there, but with the feelings. A few days ago, he told me not to freak out, and started telling me how he'd see us moving in together in a few months, talked about marriage down the road, and so on. I totally freaked out. Totally. Now I don't know what to do. I wonder if he always go so fast in all of his relationships. I wonder if he sees me as someone who's going to take care of him (in a motherly way). I am not sure how to handle it. I want to run so bad. Thing is, he's a nice guy, I don't want to hurt him, and I would like to give our story a go. I just feel like he ruined it by going way too fast. Thought? Why freak out? He was honest and upfront with you and you've known him for a few years. He may have been having these feelings for you for a long time. So, he may really not be moving too fast for himself anyway. I'd say that since you've known him for a few years and now dating him and aren't feeling strong enough feelings by now, you aren't going to catch up to him. I might think he was moving too fast if he'd said this after a few dates or so and not having known you previously. If you're feeling like you want to run, you should end it. It would serve no purpose to keep dating him and ending it later. It may hurt him even more and cause him to feel led on. Be honest with him in the fact that you're not on the same page and move on.
Author Elle1975 Posted April 25, 2015 Author Posted April 25, 2015 Red, he doesn't know me really. We saw each a few times at gatherings, but nothing one on one. Sure, he has an idea of who I am in general - don't smoke, a few likes, etc.. but cant say that he knows me very well. Think of us as acquaintances who progressed to dating. Sure, he could have a crush I don't know about, I'll give you that. I am asking how to handle it because I do like the guy, but I dated an abusive controlling bf before, and this is typical behavior, the "too hot, too fast". I do hope I am wrong. I am seeing him again probably Sunday, so I will let you know what happened. I appreciate the different points of view. It will help me make an informed decision, also based on how I feel about the whole thing after we discuss it.
frankiesaysrelax Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 You are freaking out over something he said on a 2nd date. Girlfriend, IT"S NOT THAT SERIOUS. Granted, I'm not sure if the tone was serious or joking around. You were informed by many people to just talk to him about it and you're still on the fence and trying to figure out a way to react that puts the control in your hands. So, you're both over 40 and have never been able to make a relationship last. Coming from a real man's perspective: After hearing about his past, this guy's 3rd marriage won't work either. You're not exactly a blossoming spring flower either. I think your best bet is still to talk to him about it but if what you are insisting on is keeping control, you can by telling him his past makes you hesitant to think about sharing a household but you will continue to seeing him with the following conditions: A B C you decide the terms and then give him the final word on whether or not he can do that.
frankiesaysrelax Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 (edited) but I dated an abusive controlling bf before, and this is typical behavior, the "too hot, too fast". That is nonsense. That is just in your mind. What is his sign? Maybe you are resenting him because he is so open and you so closed off that you aren't even willing to discuss the terms you want in a relationship. Anybody can turn out to be abusive. You said yourself you barely know the man. You also have plenty of ways to find out if his previous relationships ended because of that. It actually sounds like your mind is already made up. you took what he said way too seriously and now you're freaking out and don't know how to react. You sound like you don't want to see him anymore but are looking for an excuse to make yourself feel better about not giving it a chance. You are over 40. It's time to grow up, get your feelings in check and handle yourself like an adult - not a teenager. If you want to see him, keep doing it and establish the boundaries. If you don't, don't but don't try to make yourself feel better about it by applying traits to him that you don't know. Your past relationship also may have left you with trust issues. Edited April 25, 2015 by frankiesaysrelax
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